What Are Your Daily Duties in Your Marriage?

In my home, all duties are shared. I am the primary wage-earner.
Everyone who walks on the floor and shits in the toilet mops and scrubs bathrooms.
Everyone who eats cooks and washes dishes.
Everyone who wears clothing does laundry.
We don't have any kids, but if we did, I would expect him to do half the diapering, bathing, soothing, etc.

Umm, I don't have "duties". And neither should you!

Once you get all of your responses, maybe tonight, show him your post and the responses you get. It may be eye opening for him to see that people don't tend to live like that. Know your worth M.. You are worth more.

I am sorry to tell you that I feel for you and my note will probably make you feel better but it is what it is. Been in your situation until a few weeks ago. Baby is now almost a year. I pushed back big time in my marriage. Husband did almost nothing physically or financially, not even the bills and attitude stank. Push back didn't work. I separated from my husband almost 2 months ago. I have a good job and can financially support myself and my little one so that help made a break possible. Work it out if you can. Know your options if you cannot or will not. The emotional relief of the past weeks has been excellent.

Very good answer Tracy C, Krista P.
ADDED: "Catherine C. Excellent answer. I've never learned to read my wife's mind either!"

I have high expectations of my wife.

My wife is my tool. I am my wife's tool. I use her to do the things she does better than I do. She uses me to do the things I do better than she does. I do the grocery shopping because I have the patience to do it well and shop for the best deals and not just grab the first thing I come to. She sews on the buttons and mends the clothes. She took owership of that before we were even married. The first BIG purchase we made as a married couple was a top of the line sears sewing machine. Now its a 38 year old "antique". She wants a quilting sewing machine now and I am saving up for that. Hopefully I can find a used one. (any suggestions?)

I'm a chauvinistic husband and gentleman. I give my wife flowers at least once per month and usually two or three times. I open her car door and offer my hand for assistance in and out. I open doors for her when we go someplace. When we go to a restaurant, I ask her what she would like and order it for her when the waiter or waitress comes around. I try and find at least one thing each week that I can complement her for. I thank her for doing the dishes, washing the clothes and for looking so beautiful and other things she does.

She used to demand that she do the cooking. So I let her do the cooking. Then she started going back to school to get her degree and doing all that was too much for her so she asked for some help. I called a family counsel and each of our 5 oldest kids were given a choice as to which day they wanted to cook dinner. I took Sunday and my wife chose Saturday. Now I cook well enough I have won some cooking contests.

In the congegation We went to in Little Rock, the ladies used to slam the men and say men couldn't handle staying home and taking care of the kids and housework, etc. It used to really frost me. My wife hadn't been home to see her parents in several years so I saved my lunch money and bought her an airline ticket (surprise birthday present) so she could fly home for Thanksgiving. I watched seven of our 8 kids from the friday before Thanksgiving to the Monday after Thanksgiving, 10 days. I did the shopping with the kids. I smoked the turkey, made the butterhorns, mashed potatoes, smokey giblet gravy, pecan pie, pumpkin pie and everything else. I was on vacation, but still had to return my business phone calls. I handled it easily. No big deal. It was much easier to be a stay-at-home-dad, than to do the job I did for a living.

It all has to do with how you handle the tasks you have to do. I don't keep track of how much I do vrs how much my wife does. That's a road map to failure.

Good luck to you and yours.

Well your "duties" pretty much sound exactly like mine, although I don't have a job to go back to, but I do most of what you described all the time too. I think it's fairly normal for any parent at home to be responsible for the majority of the work, whether or not it's "fair" is an entirely different conversation.

Anyway, I will say this, my husband is extremely easy going and understanding about all of this. He knows that our kids come first and that most of my day is spent tending to them. I do cook dinner every night during the week (almost always) but sometimes laundry gets left in the dryer or the floors aren't that clean, but he very rarely complains and for that I'm very thankful!!! He will also pitch in if I ask him to do something specific.

Does your husband come home for lunch or do you just make his lunch for him to take? I was a bit confused about that part of the post. Either way, honestly, I'd tell him that lunch is going to be either a cold cut sandwich or leftovers from the dinner the night before. I mean actually cooking a lunch seems a bit extreme to me, unless it's mac and cheese, but even that I wouldn't do every day! He may not like it, but if he doesn't he can make himself something.

I do understand a few things about Eastern Eurpoean cultures, so I hear you on that. Were you also raised in that culture or married into it? The mother thing, well I would just let it go as much as possible. Be cordial to her and don't say anything back to her right now. MILs in general can be critical but I know her type and it will do no good to get upset with her, sadly.

Your husband does need some time alone with the baby to understand so advice to go out for a while is good. Also, make sure you have a supportive group of mom friends that can help you with talk about things and switch off baby sitting during the day. However, in the end, if you truly feel your marriage could be in jeapordy then you need to seek counseling.

I have seen on here that several of the ladies say to leave him with your duties for the day and I agree, it will give him perspective! I too am a stay at home mom. As far as being critisized, tell your husband that you don't go to his job and tell him how to do his work, so don't come home telling you how to do your job! You're the boss you make the decisions, if he does not like the healthy food you and your child eat then he needs to stop at a fast food joint on his way home or suck it up, end of that problem...When my husband is really hungry he calls home to see if i have cooked or intent to, if i say no then he knows what to do! As far as your MIL I dont know if she works but if she doesnt then she needs to help care for the baby too! The baby can spend time with her during the week and if she does work then on the weekend! BAM! there's your break and time to treat hubby like a baby! lol...You have to to stand up for yourself and be strong you're not alone lots of us women go through what you are going through it does not mean divorce or having him do 50/50 of the work, its about respect! in our house we understand there is no such thing as 50/50 in a marriage, its about both of us being 100% committed to each other! Have a very serious talk with your husband, take baby to MIL and have a sit down with him and lay EVERYTHING out on the table!

I told my ex that if he wanted to eat, he'd have to do it himself.

My husband now will [in a joking manner] make a comment about me not making dinner... I tell him if he hangs out with the kids, I'll make dinner. Or if he'll go grocery shopping for me, I'll cook more.

And of course... I've been a single mom... I do NOT fear that. I'm also quite bluntly honest. I'd tell him to shove his attitude where the sun doesn't shine.

Just a thought... if your husband is coming home from work and looking to find his wife (different than the mother of his child) and he can't find her becuase she's always on "baby duty" and then on the "net", he's pretty frustrated too.

What are you doing during the naps? Seriously. Ask yourself that question. I am not a SAHM, but my friends who are make themselves weekly schedules. Certain things get cleaned on certain days. Laundry is done daily and cooking is done during afternoon naps. You need to get yourself into a routine and stick to it.

In our marriage, we both work. In fact, I make significantly more than my husband and work longer hours. He has the primary responsibility for our children until I get home. I do the cooking (happen to enjoy it) and he does the repairs/maintenance things on our home. We have a housekeeper. This works for us, but we had to talk about it and find a balance.

Bottom line, start making time for eachother or your marriage will not work. You cannot be a mommy all of the time. You also need to be his wife (the woman he married). Stay up a little later, get more done during the day, let a few things slide... if you want the marriage to work you have to be willing to flex too!

I told my husband early on "I don't work for you and if I did, you couldn't afford me"! I don't have duties. I have a family. Hubby traveled alot and when he came home on the weekend he was daddy and I was on vacation! hahahahaha! NOT!!! We have a partnership.

I cook one meal, dinner. If there is someone who doesn't like what I prepared, tough cookies! That's dinner!!

MIL- well if her "beloved son" isn't getting enough done for him perhaps she would like the big baby back! I think your husband said something to her so she would talk to you. I would just tell her that you aren't going to discuss this with her.

You have your hands full. I suggest marital counseling.

I haven't read your other responses but I'm going to guess that your husband has never taken care of his child for any length of time. People who have never taken care of a baby have no idea what it's like to take care of a baby. They have no idea that you can't go to the bathroom for 2 minutes when you need to if the baby needs you which is pretty much all the time at this age. My husband was always very supportive of my staying home with our daughter. Because he spent longer periods of time with her from the minute she was born, he understood what it was like to do nothing else but take care of her for the entire day/night. He understood that sometimes nothing else got done. He was always appreciative of any meal I prepared (or a sandwich on the days I just didn't have time). Find something else to do for the entire day/evening next weekend. Do not allow him to call his mother to rescue him. He will only understand what your day is like if he experiences it himself.

We both pitch in and do what need to be done, but there are certain things each of us have chosen to take ownership of. He will always do the floors, most of the laundry, cook occasionally, give the kids a bath, and always takes the trash out and cleans out the car. I always dust, straighen up, cook, grocery shop, deal with sitters and anything school related.

I think one major factor here is the cultural differance. If this man is from a culture where women are tools, that is how he saw his mother and grandmother and all his aunts, cousins, sisters, neighbors treated. It's all he knows. To a certain degree, you knew that going in. Now the reality has set in that he is not as westernized as you might've thought.

In every contract there is a division of labor and a set of expectations. You both have a right to have expectations of the other and should be able to negotitate them. On the one hand, his meals seem to be his top priority. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to meet his expectations on that. Call his mom and ask how to prepare his favorite foods, do your research and really cook your tail off. Your expectation is that he be a hands on helpful dad. I believe once you are fulfilling his percieved need, you will be in a better position to ask him to meet your need. If he doesn't THEN you can go on strike. Stop feeding him those wonderful meals and when he asks why, tell him, you dont meet my needs, why should I meet yours. If you help with baby, I cook more. You have to do some great cooking and get him attached to it before you can play that card though.

I know I sound like I am from 1950, but I watched these subtle forms of dissent growing up from the women in my family. They didn't stomp around making declarations or talking about thier rights. They just quietly pulled the strings in the home and made it all seem like it was dads idea to begin with.

i dont mean to sound harsh but as a stay at home mom you should be doing most of the stuff around the house. your husband should help with the baby to give you a break and help clean up the dishes but he is working all day to. I work a full time job, have 2 kids a dog and a fish and i also do everything. my husband helps with the kids but we both work fulltime, however i still do ALL the laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, baths, bedtimes, everything. my husband takes care of the yard, etc but i usually help with that to. i wish he would help more also because it is exhausting but let me tell ya if i was at home all day i would have no problem doing most everything. i do all that during the week plust t-ball, swimming lessons, preschool, and i teach sunday school. i feel very unapreciated sometimes and it does affect things, but we just keep going. i have just learned to accept the way things are. i love my husband and he helps at times just not as much as i would like. but we make it work. maybe you could talk to your husband explain how you are feeling, listen to his feelings and see if you can set something up where he helps you with dishes, and keeping the house picked up and try to comprimise. you either have to do that or learn to deal with doing it all because its not going to change when you do go back to work. good luck, i hope you find something that works for the both of you.

Any chance of a girls' getaway weekend?
Sounds like a man that needs a reality check! And two days with a O. year old would give him that, to be sure.
He's being ridiculous.
Are you a wife and mother or a servant?

He clearly doesn't spend enough time with his child to know how hard a SAHM works and that's sad! My husband is very hands on, so I'm very fortunate. He treats me like gold which is how you should be treated. If he wanted a slave he should have hired one, not married one. I'd list off all the chores you do from laundry (add details such as swaping and folding), cleaning bathrooms, bedrooms, vacuuming, dusting, how long baby takes to eat their meal, how long it takes for your grocery store runs, general errands etc... I mean LIST IT ALLLLLL OUT. Then show him and ask him where in the world he sees "free time for M."? Oh, that's right, there is NONE! Then ask him if he could please find a task on your list he could take over to help around the house and with your FAMILY. As far as your MIL goes, if you have caller id, stop answering her calls, problem solved. I wish you much luck and to find the happiness you deserve. We all know that a happy mommy=happy family. When mom's not happy, no one is happy. Hugs to you!

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have found in my marriage that when I need help, I just have to make my husband do it. It's not that he doesn't want to, but he can't read my mind, and I have to make sure he understands. For instance, when I'm cooking dinner and one of the kids needs help with something, I will call over to my husband (who is watching TV), "Honey, Izzy needs help with her math homework. I'm sending her over to you for help." And off Izzy goes to daddy for help. (Notice that I didn't ask him IF he could help - I just let him know he's going to be helping her!) So the next time your baby needs something while you're cooking, tell your husband that the baby needs something, and make him deal with the situation. Like Dr. Phil says, you teach people how to treat you. You need to teach your husband how to help you, and teach him how to be an involved father with his son. He may not understand this, and may not really know what it is you're asking him to do. Be specific. It's one thing to say, "I need you to watch the baby for an hour when I'm making dinner." Well then you're making dinner, and the baby is hanging on your leg crying, and your husband thinks to himself, "Well, she's dealing with the baby. I don't need to do anything." This is when you bring the baby to him and say, "Okay, here you go! I'm going to go make dinner and you two can play together! Have fun!" And then leave and go make dinner. Do not allow your husband to wiggle his way out of this. Be consistent and firm. When he tries to bring the baby to you to be changed, for instance, just say, "Oh, the diapers and wipes are on the changing table in the nursery. Thanks for changing his diaper, honey!"

Do you see where I'm going with this? Just insist, over and over, that he helps you. Eventually he will get it. My husband is great now. He plays with the kids, he can cook a good meal, I can leave for a weekend with friends or travel on business and know that he and the kids will have a wonderful time. You just have to teach your husband how to do this, and do not back down. Marriage is an equal partnership. Some things you will be better at, and some things he will be better at, but the division of labor should be fairly equal so that you don't feel like you're a servant in your own home. This is not something that will magically occur, though. You need to make it happen! Good luck!

yea, I hate jerky husbands.

BUT, I'm sorry.....I have no intention to hurt your feelings.....BUT I have an inhome daycare. I care for 4 children - a newborn, 2 2yo boys, & a 4yo girl. I do daily preKG projects with the 4yo. I teach basic concepts to the boys. I care diligently for the newborn.

& I care for my 15yo son....drive him to school before the kids come in. I pick him up from school at 10pm on Band nights....or at midnite from competitions. I clean, I pay bills & handle all finances, I do all of the laundry. I prepare dinner 5 out of 7 nights of the week! I prepare lunch for myself & the daycare kids. I bake for fundraisers, do family scrapbook projects, read voraciously, & am on this danged computer.....regularly! Nonstop action pretty much 18 out of 24 hours daily. & I'm not complaining! I LOVE my life!! It's rewarding, it's a joy.....& I know that I'm making others happy & content. Oh, all this ++ perimenopause combined with monthly PMS.....omg....how's that for a full life? :)

Soooo, again, no ill will intended.....simply, please find a way to redirect your day & I think you'll be much happier. & your marriage will show it.

It sounds like you need a BIG discussion about equitable distribution of labor. DH and I both work full time. We discussed this before having our son - we have split his care 50:50 since he was born. We take turns making his breakfast and lunch, brushing his teeth, getting him dressed, playing with him, taking him to daycare, etc. When he was an infant, we took turns getting up in the middle of the night. We both cook, I do most of the laundry, DH always emptied the dishwasher (I hate doing it), he mows the lawn a bit more than I do, we have a cleaning lady every other week who does the vacuuming, dusting and bathrooms. It sounds like your husband is way out of line in his expectations.

I would not hesitate to tell my MIL that if she is so worried about his meals, she can cook them herself. Your husband also needs to get a handle on what "family" means. It does not mean that he is the master and you the slave and he gets to pick and choose what he does and you are obligated to do the rest. My husband does all the laundry, takes out the garbage, and does the mopping. He is also a great help with our granddaughter. He does do the dishes a couple of times per week and tries to cook occasionally. He never comments if I neglect to do a chore or two - he knows that the dust or whatever is not going anywhere and that there is more to life than cooking and cleaning. We are in our fifties - maybe the more relaxed attitude comes with age! Anyway, I think your husband needs to get a grip and his mother needs to mind her own business. I will say, however, that I took a 6 month maternity leave when I had my baby. I was a single mother so I had to do it all and I was able to do it all because I wasn't working. If you manage your time right, you should be able to accomplish a significant amount of stuff each day. Write out a schedule; it will make things a lot easier. When things are organized in your head, they fall into place much easier!

You said you have a "well paid job" so I'm confused on if you work outside the home or if you are a full time SAHM? Regardless, there needs to be a balance. Some women are MADE to be SAHM's. Some simply are not and are better working outside the home full time. Regardless of what that woman decides to do, her spouse needs to support her. Even SAHM's need help with the house and kids. My husband and I have things that we each are responsible for. He does ALL of the laundry, washes/drys and each of us puts our own away (our kids are older) but he usually does mine too. He sweeps the floors and I mop them (we don't have any carpet). I do 90% of the cooking but I cook VERY easy recipes so they don't take a lot of time. I do all the dishes, putting them in the dish washer and one of the kids puts them away. I dust maybe once every 3 months. I don't care if there is dust on my shelves and neither does anyone else. We clean the bathrooms as needed. If your husband is not willing to do some of these things then you need to figure out how to make it managable on your own. Like find really quick and easy recipes. Put the baby in the play pen for awhile to do dinner or cleaning or whatever needs to be done. Oganize and get rid of the clutter and accept that the house doesn't have to be perfect every minute. And talk to your husband and see if he is willing to take over just a couple things to free you up. Tell him its simple, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"...and if he's smart, he'll know that includes HIM! Good luck!!!

Your *duties* are not out of the ordinary. However if you feel that they are too much for you then your husband needs to listen to you. He sounds like he is demanding & degrading you & that's where I would draw the line. Can you get a cleaner every couple weeks or even once a month?

I am a sarcastic person. I would tell him exactly how I felt about whatever is bothering me. So if you just couldn't find the time to do make dinner, I would say "yeah I'm hungry too, so what you gonna make us" or "i left some take out menus on the counter for you, so pick a place". Or if it's about cleaning say "I decided that my plate is full so I am giving you the choice of taking over the dishes or giving the baby a bath, which one do you want to do".

Something else you could say is 'our marriage is falling apart because I am overwhelmed & you won't listen to me, so you can step up or pay up, you know the 20% for child support". Remind him 'It's cheaper to keep'er", meaning keeping wife happy in the marriage is cheaper than getting a divorce.

I had 3 kids all 3 & under & managed my entire house by myself. My husband was working a good majority so I didn't have an option. I killed myself doing everything but I did it. BUT my problem is that I am a clean freak & my husband could care less if the house was cleaned. I really wish that I would have hired a cleaner to come at least once a month.

I wore myself out & had to tell my husband to step up. I gave him the option of giving all 3 kids a bath or cleaning the kitchen after dinner, he chose the kitchen which was what I wanted. So I made an extra big mess in the kitchen for him to clean up while I gave all 3 kids a bath. Well I got done 1st & he was still cleaning, so I asked him if he wanted to trade & he said yes, lol. So from then on I cleaned as I cooked so my mess would be way less & I could have 15 minutes to relax.

Tell your husband what is bothering you & listen to what he wants too. Then come to a compromise. As for MIL tell her to help out instead of fermenting problems, ask her for her advice maybe she will then see that you are trying to be a good wife to her son & a good mother to her grandson.

sounds like your DH needs to pitch in more period! Unfortnately, as a SAHM mom that you are for now really the obligations of the home do fall on your shoulders because you are not at work right now. However, when your DH comes home from work, keeping your son busy so you can cook is helpful. Also, please be sure that you are putting activities on the calendar with the girls so he knows you will be gone. you need a break and if you are not asking then you won't get it.

Both my husband and I work fulltime and have three kiddos. Our typical day is:
I have to be to work before the kids are up. My DH get's them ready for school and daycare and is off. I get off work earlier so I go pick up the kiddos and go home and cook dinner. DH get's home and we eat. I tend to be the one to bathe the kids so while I'm doing that DH is cleaning up the kitchen while I give the baths. Then I help finish homework with my daughter and prep her lunch while DH throws a load of laundry in the washer and keeps the boys occupied.

I have a long list of things I do for myself and my family, but I don't consider them my duties. My husband also has his share of contributing. Both of us work and we have 2 kids. It takes both parents to raise kids and maintain a household, and I'm sorry that your husband doesn't get this, but being a stay at home mother is the hardest job out there.

I'd say to try counseling to give you support and give him some perspective. If he won't go, I'd go anyway. You will get a chance to decide what you need in your marriage and your life and can take it from there. Personally if my husband treated me this way, I'd tell him to suck it.

Ok, if your husband is unwilling to help, then you have to hire someone. It can be a 5th grader that plays with him after school and you pay a dollar an hour, but you need help.