In a nushell, my father is a narcissist. He has always been that way -- but when you are a little kid you don't know what it is -- you just do what you are asked and will do anything to avoid unpleasantness. Our Mom died when we were young, so we never had other adult back-up. It was my sister, brother and I.....and him.
There were some bumps when we went off to college....mostly because he couldn't control us anymore and we began to see what was out there. In our defense, my siblings and I have always been good people. We have only wanted to be happy and live our lives in peace surrounded by people we love and care about. We tried to include him. But it wasn't on his terms and he didn't like that.
My father dislikes my DH because he is not white. Boo-hoo. My father hates my brother's wife because.....she is his wife. No other reason, really. My sister is in a relationship...but my father is unaware unless he's been stalking her.....which he has done to me in the past, incidentally.
When my brother announced his engagement several years ago, our Dad blew up. I wasn't there to witness his adult tantrum but I can only imagine what it was like based on what I grew up with. My brother was also working for our Dad at the time. My brother was so hurt that he left the family business and moved away. He is happy now and married. But, he struggles with the utter rejection every day. I think my brohter's wife is lovely. She is a good person.
As a result of that situation, my sister and I cut off communication with our Dad. When one of us hurts, the other 2 hurt just as bad. Despite bumps in the past, my sister and I were both in neutral places with our Dad -- but seeing what he did to our brother was too much to allow him to remain a part of our lives.
Last year my sister moved and also got a new job. She did not provide this info. to our Dad for obvious reasons. Yesterday she received a package in the mail at her place of work, while I received one at my home. My sistser was livid. She hasn't opened the box yet. I opened mine...which was more of the same junk I recieve every now and then from him: old clothes that were my Mom's (she died in 1979) and bits and pieces of stuff I left behind when I moved out such as note cards, old id cards, even stuffed animals in one box.
Does my sister have any rights? Has she been stalked -- whether it be physically or through Google?
I turn 40 this year and have been a parent for 10 years, married for 12. This behavior from my Dad has to end. I have already made it clear to him through email that there will be no communication between us until he opens his arms to my brother. Sending stuff to us is not the right way. We want words and actions. I don't know if he will ever admit fault over his bad behavior since he is narcisstic. What else can I do to get through to him? My siblings and I have tried many times in the past to reconciliate with him but it always backfires. I just can't do it anymore. What should my sister do? What are her rights?
Just put it in the trash.
Don't send him emails, block emails from him.
He's fishing for a response - any response - kind of a 'made you react to me' thing.
Don't give it to him.
Since there is nothing threatening about his trying to contact any of you I don't think you'll have much luck in getting a restraining order against him.
There really isn't anything she can do but move again. He hasn't broken any laws by sending her legal items. You can't prove he stalked her.
It's not stalking, IMHO.
I think the best course of action is to mark both boxes "Return to Sender."
Ship it back to him and let him think you never got it because he doesn't have the correct information. Do that with EVERY item you get from him. Eventually, he'll get the idea.
But don't bother communicating with him. That will just fuel the fire.
Sending a gift is not stalking. If he has been following her, threatening her, ect, that is stalking. I have no opinion on your relationship with your father or how to handle it, but the fact is an address or place of work can be easily found online without "stalking". I would just leave it alone, ignore it if that is what you want. If she really wants to disappear she needs to change her name.
Stalking is not someone finding out your address and mailing you things they think you might want. So no, your sister is not being stalked. She would need to have a restraining order against your father in order for it to be anything more than just a bad parent-child relationship. Sorry.
It sounds like there's a lot of history there and that we certainly don't have the whole story.
But she's livid because he mailed her something? (You too?)
No other communication? Just a box?
Based on that information, I think you're overreacting. What are her rights? You can't prevent someone from mailing you something unless you have a restraining order. So there are no rights to go by right now. He hasn't done anything legally wrong.
If you want to change that, you'll need to involve the courts.
She and you should just ignore the boxes. You can refuse the shipment or return to sender, if you really want. But then you'd be engaging him.
Hello,
This is a tough one. I cannot say for sure if this is grounds for stalking or not. Has your sister ever asked him not to contact her? Does she have a restraing order? In the event there was a restraining order, than of course your sister could say he broke the terms of the order.
I think its tough what you guys have been through, but I think a beautiful part is that you and your siblings are close.
Don't open packages or mail that you get from him. Just mark it "Return To Sender" and put it back in the mail. If he uses UPS or FedEx you can refuse the package and direct them to send it back to him. Finding out where you live and then mailing something just because you haven't shared the information isn't stalking. Yes, it's unwanted contact, but unless he's sending something harmful or dangerous it's not illegal. Your father sounds like an abusive dickhole control freak who is trying to re-establish contact with his children. Unfortunately that's not illegal unless she has a restraining order against him.
His behavior would have to fit the legal definition of stalking in her state. Don't throw around the term stalking so loosely.
No, that isn't stalking. He hasn't done anything illegal unless there is a restraining order where no contact even through mail is included. I remember your old posts, and you only have contact with him every few years. Receiving a box of old mementos and items of your deceased moms every now and then isn't stalking or harassment. If she doesn't want the box she can "return to sender". Also, you shouldn't have left your stuff at his house when you decided to alienate him from you, now he's stuck with his kid's garbage, what else is he supposed to do with it?
For her backstory on her dad if anyone is interested in her history:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/8253390687484182529
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6535951587750379521
In any case, you seem to get offended/ freaked out by LOTS of people by knowing the history of many of your past questions. I hope you and your family can learn to let go of all of this fear and anger eventually.
I don't think that would qualify as stalking or harassment.
And I agree with B.--once again he's using an action to produce a reaction....even a negative O.. (Like a bad kid!)
Either refuse the shipment(s) or accept the things if you'd like to keep them....but no further communication until he tries, at east, to reach out as a grown up. And apologizing to your brother would be a great place for him to start. But from what you've described, I wouldn't hold my breath.
I would do nothing. Seriously. Stop talking to him, even if it's to say you don't want to hear from him. Just stop responding. If he wants to keep sending things, let him. By responding, you are giving him attention. Just let it go and move on with your life.
It's not really going to be that simple to not let him get to you, so it's obviously something you and your sister and brother are going to be talking to each other about. Nothing wrong with that. Just talk to each other and not to your father. You've already let him know what constitutes a healthy relationship with him. If he finally decides to reach out to you or your brother or sister in a healthy way, that's when you can respond. Until then, just don't give him the satisfaction. Don't join in his childish little game.
Stay close with your brother and sister. Those sibling relationships can be so amazing! I can't imagine what I would do without mine.
Everyone has rights it is just your sister's rights have not been violated.
Just write refuse return to sender and move on with your lives.
You cannot change anyone else. I urge you to find a way to let go of the wish to have your father be a reasonable person. Counseling can help you do that.
Your sister received a package. She can do what she wants with it. Open it or not. Keep it or throw it in the trash. Maybe burn it as a way to feel some relief.
This is definitely not stalking. You cannot change your father. You can only change how you react to his awkward and painful attempts to remain in your lives.
You've had much pain in your life. The quickest way to get past that is to accept that you cannot change the past or your father. Counseling will help you deal with the pain.
She hasn't legally been stalked, in my opinion. Stalking requires repetition. If your father were to send an unwanted package every other day, that would rise to the level of harassment and be considered stalking. Anyone can look up your sister's address and job location. That isn't illegal nor is sending a gift.
If your sister feels threatened by your dad, she might be able to get a restraining order. They might not issue it if he lives in a different area and the only communication has been one piece of mail. The only thing you guys can do it to continue to ignore him and file harassment charges if he starts to truly harass you.
Best of luck.
I am sorry that your Dad is this way. I understand. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and like you, I didn't realize it until I had grown and moved out of the house. I also never realized how much my father was able to keep my mother more stable until he died 8 years ago and there was no one to talk sense into her.
Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her and she hasn't spoken to me in about 7 years - no holidays, birthdays - she has only held/seen her granddaughter one time. It took me quite sometime to get over the rejection, manipulation, lies and just plain meanness that having a narcissistic parent truly causes. Some times it still haunts me.
If I received anything from her, it would send me reeling, I would feel like she was stalking me too. I really liked the suggestion of not opening the box and writing 'return to sender' on it, then popping it back in the mail. I can imagine the true rage that it would cause my mother if I did something like that. I would show that she didn't control me at all and I would almost want to be there to see the look on her face. I might also take a photo of the box, just to prove that it was sent if I ever needed to.
It isn't stalking unless she has a restraining order in place. And his behavior is not going to end. Your and your sibling's reaction to his behavior is the only thing you change or control.
If you don't want him in your life, don't accept or acknowledge the packages.
You should seek some counseling for support, but also, you need to realize that his sending you these packages is the only way he has, right now, to reach out to you. He could see it as some way of making amends, or a way to open the door for conversation. He's grasping at straws and it's up to you and your siblings to determine how you'll let him in.
It's very sweet that you're standing behind your brother, but you equally have the right to have a relationship with your father, regardless of how he treats your siblings. You can tell your father that you think he's wrong for treating your brother that way and still keep communication open, if you wish...
Your father is mentally ill. He has never moved on or developed into a full adult. He's in his 60's at least since you say you are 40 years old. My rule is that by age 40 you should be over the traumas of growing up. Go to therapy yourself. Your father is beyond your control. In some states you can take over his affairs and order psychological care for him but that is not easy to prove. Maybe he's a hoarder or loaded with anxiety and fears. Or he could be severely depressed. No matter what you must have gotten a great deal from your mother before she died when you were about 7 years old. All three of you did. You are strong, have made your own lives with good people.
You have a family consisting of your mother's three children and your spouses and your children. Keep going and don't look back.
