What Am I Doing Wrong????? - Brick,NJ

I went through the exact same thing my 1st child in the end I had to end up letting her cry it out. And at 9 months I finally got her to sleep through the night. My son who is now 7 months old is finally sleeping through the night but I ended doing the crying it out.......sorry to tell you that. It started at 5 months he would go to bed at 7pm and wake up at least 7 times between 9pm - 3am. We tried everything and a bottle is not what he wanted. So at 6 1/2 months we said lets just try CIO for three days and see where it goes............we are now all getting a good night sleep.

Good luck.

Hi E.,
You are not doing anything wrong! Our culture is skewed in the direction of making babies independent, so it is very confusing to find the right methods for you and your child.
YES, you can get your baby to sleep well without "crying it out". The prevailing psychological theory of that method is that the child finally falls asleep because he is exhausted from trying to get his nighttime needs met, and just gives up believing his needs will ever be met. Please check out Dr. Sears, "The Baby Sleep Book", and www.askdrsears.com My four-year-old, adopted at 12-months of age woke up 12 times a night at first. I have never resorted to CIO, as I followed Dr. Sears philosophy, and responded to the call toward "nighttime parenting". He sleeps through the night now, and is very secure, well-attached and known as one of the happiest kids in town! Now that I am recovering from the sleep deprivation (I'm 48 years old!), I can see how totally worth it for him the Sears method was/is. Actually, it was worth it to me as well since we have a close, trusting and affectionate relationship. A child whose needs are met does not need to act out (mis-behave), so parenting is already far easier than I see for many other parents of 4-yr-olds. He communicates with and listens to me because he knows his needs will be met.
On another level, I am a psychotherapist that practices Rosen Method Bodywork, and I have seen many adult clients regress during therapy to the time when their parents let them CIO, or took their nursing/or bottle away before they were ready. And even 40 -60 years later, it is a trauma that is still held in their body. The abandonment, fear and powerlessness CIO creates stays with many people throughout their lives (until they get the right therapy). It is worth it to invest the time now, as your child will be much healthier emotionally as an adult, and your relationship with your child will be closer and more peaceful. Love, J.

I have NEVER let my babies cry it out and they have all slept wonderfully from the start. Any kinks I had along the way resolved themselves before they became a real issue and I believe there are a few reasons for that. #1 I followed their lead. I am big on instinctual parenting. Babies know what they need and so do we if we just stop listening to everyone's bad parenting advice and all the so called experts. If your baby needs to be nursed to sleep, nurse him. If he needs to be swaddled, swaddle him. You know deep down what works for him...trust your instincts and go with it! He'll be a happier baby and you'll be a happier Mom. It will also teach you (when you see how well it works) to trust yourself more and give you the confidence to follow his lead. When he's ready to not be swaddled or nursed to sleep, you'll know that too. #2 We co-slept. I know this isnt (and shouldnt) be an option for everyone, but it made our lives bliss and I loved every second of it. It kept my baby close so I could respond to his needs in a quick and gentle way and he was soothed back to sleep within minutes with minimal disturbance.

And now for our story, which is purely anecdotal. We co-slept from day one. Around 7 months he began showing signs of wanting to sleep independently...he would toss and turn in our bed. So we began laying him down in his pack-n-play in our room after being nursed to sleep. When he woke for his first feeding I would bring him back to bed and he would nurse and fall back to sleep until morning (or the next feeding). In time he began sleeping through the night until morning. He was still sleeping in our room at this point and still being nursed to sleep. After this, I nursed him and tried laying him in his crib in his room to see how it went. He slept through without a problem, he was clearly ready. Then a few more months down the road (he was about 14-15 months at this point) he began showing signs that he wanted to fall asleep on his own. He didnt want to be nursed. I noticed he crawled up on the couch around bedtime and was tossing and turning trying to get comfy. I figured I'd give it a shot, so I tucked him in his crib awake, and left the room. That kid fell asleep in the exact position I left him in. He is now just over 2 and every bedtime AND nap results in his falling asleep on his own in the exact position I leave him in, all tucked in. He doesnt even stand up or sit up to play. I firmly believe it was because I followed his lead and didnt push him to do something he wasnt ready for. If a baby cries when laid down, I believe they are signaling to you they cannot fall asleep on their own yet. To force them to by making them cry, I find cruel. Babies can only communicate to us through crying. It is our job to respond to their needs and help them become independent. They become so by feeling secure and safe and doing things on their time. Not every baby is capable of falling asleep and staying asleep without help, or within a certain time frame. If you read Dr. William Sears Nighttime Parenting book, it explains a baby's sleep pattern better than I can and why they are incapable of sleeping the way adults do and how its unrealistic to expect them to. Just trust your gut, he knows what he needs and you can provide that! If you need anything else, let me know. Good luck!

Hi E.! We tried CIO with my daughter and it just didn't work. Maybe I wasn't consistent enough with it but it KILLED me to hear her cry. I wanted for her to sleep through the night in her crib so badly because that's what babies are supposed to do right? Well once I realized that there are many ways to raise a baby (no one better than the other in most aspects) I decided to explore co-sleeping. Of course my husband was consulted on this as well and had no problem with it. My daughter immediately starting sleeping at least 10 hours every night, without interruption! Now she is almost 1 and we all co-sleep peacefully! I have been greatly criticized for this by a few people but you know what, I don't care! I guess my point is whether it's CIO, co-sleeping, or some other method, do what's right for you and your family and don't worry about being "wrong". Soon enough our little ones will grow up and be absolutely appalled by the idea of sleeping with their parents anyway! Good Luck!

I feel that at 5 months when they cry like that throughout the night it is for a good reason; hunger, comfort, etc. I never did the CIO method until 10 months old.

He could be going through a growth spurt and is really hungry. Or does he have a cold or other virus? Teething can also be a culprit even at 5 months.

Whatever it is I think he really needs you. You aren't doing anything wrong. You're just trying to figure it all out like the rest of us do.

Every baby is different and require different needs. Being a mom is really about trial and error and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other.

I wish you all a restful night!

A.

Hi E.--Don't be too hard on yourself! You aren't the only one out there who thinks she may be mucking it up; and anyway with all the differing bits of advice out there it is so confusing, at least to me as a first time Mom of a 5 months old (almost 6mo). In any event, my babe is having a struggle w/ sleep as well. He is not a great napper and it almost seems like his sleep cycles are 30-45 minutes--driving me insane from exhaustion. I finally got the Weissbluth book, and I have to say it is a nice method that gets you somewhere between Dr. Sears and the ol' CIO. I tried it and within 24 hours of being more militant about naps and putting him down BEFORE he shows tired signs, there was improvement. I now believe he was sleep deprived as well. I'm not a CIO fan myself, as I've noticed that the more I let him cry the more stimulated he gets. Weissbluth's approach is even-keeled and sensitive. I'm not perfect with it, but it sets up some benchmark's for me and seems to help him. Best of luck to you and just know that you are not alone!! K

Hi E.,
My daughter just turned 6 months and we have been dealing with the same thing. Up until 2 weeks ago she never had a nap in her crib and it would take nearly 2 hours to get her to sleep at night. And like you I am a 2nd time Mom and hoped we wouldn't have the same sleep issues, but sure enough... Anyway after being up at night every 1-2 hours I finally got desperate because Mommy wasn't getting enough sleep and patience was very thin. I went out and bought WEisbluth's book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - jsut like I did with my 4 yr old. I started with an earlier bedtime, 6-6:30 (she was going to bed around 7:30) and now she goes down like butter on toast. She has cried out on occasion but it will only last for a few minutes and she will be able to get herself back to sleep. I do nurse her to sleep, which the book does stress is just fine. She still wakes up at night but only 2-3 times and I will go to her and nurse her. She usually sleeps until 6:30. The other thing I started to do was putting her down in the morning for her nap. This usually happens 1-1 1/2 hours after she wakes up and again, she usually goes down without any issue and we nap for approx one hour and wake up happy. This was a huge accomplishement! The rest of the day her naps are either in her car seat or in my Ergo carrier. Eventually I will try and get her to nap in her crib but at the moment I can't bear to hear her cry for the hour.

Like you I would rather get her sleeping better now rather than later.

I look forward to your update - would love to hear how you make out

Good luck!

I let my two boys cry it out, both at around 4 months old, and it worked. I would still go in and pat them on the back every few minutes, and whisper to them to relax, then I would leave the room, and keep doing this, but at longer intervals eventually. With my older son it worked after 3 nights, and he's still a great sleeper. My younger one it also worked (but I can't remember the details) and he is generally also a good sleeper. I agree it's better to do it sooner rather than later, and they say that babies as old as yours doesn't need to eat at night (unless exclusively breast fed). Good luck!

Hi E.,
I am going through the exact same thing and was told I'm not doing anything wrong so I'll let you know your not doing anything wrong. Some babies I guess just aren't good sleepers. My son is 8 months now and it sounds almost identical. He was sleeping and napping well and then all of a sudden around 5 or 6 months changed to waking up every hour starting at 9pm and napping only 20 minutes during the day. I can't do crying it out. I can't bear listening to him scream when I know he wants me. I recently tried to review what is causing him to wake up. I think teething, acid reflux, and just background noise. I found my cd player can repeat all so we got white noise cd's to help soothe him. If the heat came on he would wake up. That seems to help. I put a night light on. I put a pillow under his mattress to elevate his head a little. I also finally found a blanket he likes and swaddle him. Now he will sleep 3hrs at a time. He also is easier to put back to sleep. It is an improvement. I don't have the answer either but your not alone and your not doing anything wrong. I totally understand what your going through. Hang in there!

One thing new mothers are never taught, it seems, is that baby's sleep patterns are very different than adults. Baby sleep patterns do not evolve into anything similiar to what we think is normal until closer to 2 years of age.

That being said, I did not use CIO. I am on my third baby. My first woke every hour and half until her second birthday. I am not exaggerating!! All of a sudden, right after her birthday, it was like someone waved a magic wand and she started to sleep thru the night.

My second was a great sleeper until he was 5 months old. I don't know what happened, I didn't change anything about his routine, he just stopped sleeping for more than 45 minutes at a time, for quite a while. He is now going on 4 and sleeps thru the night unless he's not feeling well.

My third just turned a year and occasionally sleeps thru the night (and he's a breastfed baby). Not every night, but he's a totally different story than the first two!

I figure this is such a short time in their lives, a little sleep deprivation on my part to save them from nighttime fears is worth it. Eventually they won't need us at night anymore, I'd rather be there for them while they do.

p.s. All my babies were breastfed, the last one is still nursing.

While I do believe in careful "CIO" methods, I also think that your son is at that at magic age...he's almost ready (or maybe already is?) to not be swaddled, because he's learning to roll over. And with rolling over, and other cool developmental milestones, there come many nights of awful sleep! My son started sleeping great (finally!) around 4 months, and then BAM two weeks later he got two teeth, started rolling over 10x a night onto his belly (and SCREAMING), etc. It was not a fun a few weeks. :)

But it was a short stage. I didn't sleep much, it's true. Rolling a baby over every 20 minutes is rough. But in the end, he started sleeping on his belly (with our doc's blessing) and thus we were rewarded with 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep! Until the next major milestone...
It's never ending!

Whether or not you allow your baby to cry has to take into the following:

-do YOU feel ready to let him cry?

-how long are you comfortable with him crying?

-what level of crying are you comfortable with? (I rarely let my son scream, but fussing is ok with me.)

-does your child actually like to be soothed, when he's sleepy? My son used to scream when he was tired, whether or not I held him. I didn't realize, at the time, that I was making it worse by keeping him up in my arms.

-is your child getting enough sleep during the day?

and the big one:
-do you feel that your son is actually ready? Some are ready earlier than others? My son was huge, and ready by about 5 months or so. But some babies just aren't ready until later. (You're right though- if you wait too long, they are too smart and stubborn to go down easily! Way longer crying!)

Maybe stop trying so hard to do the "right thing based on other people" and just do what you feel is right. Your son obviously needs something right now and thats affecting his sleep - I dont' think he's intentionally not sleeping well just to be difficult or because you are doing something wrong. (maybe if he was older but not now - LOL!) I too am dealing with sleep issues with my 21 month old (now I DO think he is intentionally not sleeping at times to be difficult! again LOL) - he goes through periods of great sleep, then something simple will throw him out of his routine. I've learned there are a million reasons but one thing I try not to do is let him cry it out. He sleeps through the night most of the time, he will wake periodically but he goes right back (so do most adults I know though so I try not to dwell on why my toddler isn't sleeping through the night). My problem is getting him to settle down at night and go to bed - he totally fights it and unfortunatley my husband and I work and by the time we both get home at night so its kind of late then its hard to get him into bed by the time I WANT him in...anyway this isn't about me - sorry -I let him cry for a little while when all else fails and when its just getting to late - I feel like that teaches him when enough is enough and yes it tires him out some but doesn't leave him stranded alone. I usually don't let him cry for more than 10 minutes and I go to him - then he falls right to sleep - but to let him cry it out entirely just has always seemed cruel to me - esepcially at such a yong age. Just my opinion. Also - I try not to listen to what other people say about their children when they are talking about how "perfect" they are b/c then you start to judge yourself and wonder what you are doing wrong. I think focusing on those types of thoughts prohibits us from following our motherly instinct. I honestly think MOST of us are all in the same position fighting the same problems and its not all perfect - so just put the thoughts of other peoples perfect sleeping children out of your mind. I remember certain time frames where my sons sleeping habits really changed and 6 months was one of them - its like they reach a certain developmental stage and things change drastically...all my friends with kids had similar experiences all around the same timeframes too...6 months, 9 months, when he started crawling/walking..NOW b/c I feel as if he's really progressed developmentally in the last several weeks - etc...there WILL be a day when your son will not need/want you at night - so try not to look at all this so negatively. Do whatever it takes to be there for your son I think he needs you - you'll get sleep again. : )

I would definitely stop swaddling as this can affect his motor development. He needs to be able to move around freely in his sleep. This could very well be what is waking him up. Or it could be teething, or the fact that he is now aware of his environment. Whatever it is, I think all babies start waking up again around this age but then once they learn how to fall asleep on their own, it passes. Don't worry so much. Keep breastfeeding him before bed. This helps them get sleepy and it's completely normal for a baby to fall asleep breastfeeding. Breast milk and even the act of breastfeeding is soothing and releases hormones that relax you and the baby, so it is designed by nature to help the baby fall asleep. Just don't rock him for half an hour to put him to bed. Keep the bedtime routine short and you will have more success. Definitely start putting him to bed at 6:30 or 7 now if you haven't already. During the day, he should go back to sleep within 2 hours of waking. Do you have Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child? I like the sleep schedule that this book describes and it has worked for my son. He is still too young for the cry it out method so I would not let him cry but all the other information in the book is good. Also, do you have the book Baby 411? It's a general reference book written by a pediatrician and a mom and I feel it's superior to the what to expect book. The chapter on sleep is really good. It basically describes all the sleeping methods out there and grades them according to how well they work. It gives you the best tips from all the books and the authors' own experiences and it really helped me get my son sleeping through the night. Another thing is to differentiate between babbling a little bit or whining and truly crying. If you go in at every noise he will come to expect it. And sometimes babies make noise in their sleep or are still half asleep when they cry. So if you go in and pick him up, he will wake fully. Also be sure he is getting enough exposure to bright sunlight during the day and that you keep the lights off when he wakes up at night. If you have to have a light to change him, make it a tiny nightlight. Don't talk to him or anything when he wakes at night. You could also just pick two times when he wakes up to feed him- say 11 and 4 and the rest of the times he wakes up just pat his back, rock him a little bit (5 minutes or less) or offer him a bottle of water. Good luck and don't worry so much! You are a good mom!

Dear Emmma,

You didn't say if you were just nursing or is he having any solids yet? Maybe he is hungry and is ready to start solids early. Also as you said he falls asleep nursing, when a baby falls asleep a certain way nursing, rocking, using a pacifier, etc. when they come out of a sound sleep they do not know how to put themselves back to sleep. I would try an earlier bedtime, nurse him, and put him in his crib awake. Put some music on and let him fall asleep on his own. He may cry a little but he will learn how to put himself to sleep. When he wakes during the night he will know how to get back to sleep independently. He could also be teething which is very painful and can disturb sleep as well. If you doctor allows it I would give Tylenol for pain. I did the cry it out method for both of my kids and believe it in completely, however I waited until my daughter was 1 and it was horrible but it worked. I was so sleep deprived I could not function anymore and was desperate. I know cry it out is not for everyone but it did work for me and if done properly it's over by night four. Good luck and I hope you get some sleep soon!!!

Hi E.,

If you're working on a degree in counseling, you probably already know this (but you may be too tired to remember it...): do not take everything onto yourself! I just worry about moms who ask, "what am I doing wrong?" ... because it's all too easy to start blaming ourselves.

When our kids (3.5 and 7 months) wouldn't sleep (wait... the 7 month old still struggles!) I read every book, argued with my husband even when we agreed what to do, let the pediatrician insult me, and have even run into some very judgmental moms on mamasource. Part of the reality here is that you MUST love yourself, and give you and the baby time to figure each other out. There isn't any ONE right thing to do; you haven't missed something. When things work and you can get some sleep, I doubt you'll feel bad for not finding the exact combination earlier -- you'll feel elated that you and the baby got some sleep!

So, remember... you are a good, loving person and mother. You'll get through this and whether you use CIO or something else, your baby will grow up beautiful.

i would not do CIO with a 5 month old. that said, CIO saved my sanity although i applied it when my girls turned 2. i know, late huh. if i had to do it over again i'd do it at 12 months old. ah his age he still needs to feed quite often. so give it time.

HI E.
Doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong!!!
However don't compare your children, it is not a good habit.
Not all children require the same amount of sleep. None are the average child, you read about in books.
As for CIO, never worked at my house. They would have thrown up or had diarreah, and I would be in a worse mess.
My story: 5 months we thought our 4 yo was getting new baby out of crib and putting him in this bed. We scolded, we threatened, and he really wasn't a kid to lie but we were sure he was for about 3 weeks, then we decided to watch. OK I am a slow learner, but we watched our baby shimmy up one side of the crib, crawl over, and down the other to crawl into his brother's bed. Talk about shock, we never read about that in a book, but we put him in the other twin bed at 6 months because I thought it was safer. He never fell out. By 10 months he had no naps, and by 19 months he was sleeping 2 hours in 24. MD said he was fine. I was not, I was exhausted. Nothing changed him, the rules changed as he was able to obey them, but I guess he only required 2 hours in 24 because today he still sleeps 2 hours in 24 and is thankful his 5 month old is not following in his footsteps.
God bless you
K. -- SAHM married 38 years -- old enough to be your mom with boys 37 coach, 32 lawyer married with son, and twin girls 18 in college after homeschooling.

teething may be the issue. you're not doing anything wrong. babies, as people, go through stages. take dome deep breaths and don't, whatever you do, don't let the baby sleep with you.

Hi E.. My second child was a way worse sleeper than my first, but she's a deeper sleeper so I count my blessings...For me, 5 months was too early to do CIO, though I did it with both my kids in the end. With my son, we didn't deal with his sleep problems until too late (like you said), around 9-10 months. So CIO was VERY hard and awful but it worked like a charm in 3 days. With my daughter, we had her on a better schedule to begin with, using the Weissbluth book as our guide (my sleep bible - after many other books and methods, this one was the trick for me). We let her do her first round of cry-it-out at 6 months and she did great (2 nights and she caught on). But she still woke up a ridiculous amount at night to nurse.

I would definitely try the ultra early bedtime (6pm) for a week and see what evolves. For us, we got desperate at 8 months for sleep and I tried a bottle of formula at bedtime, instead of nursing, and for the first time EVER, our daughter slept more than 2 hours (she slept 10 hours) without waking. So, as it turned out, she needed more to sustain her. I was sad because I loved nursing her to sleep, but I also needed sleep very badly. We were able to keep nursing in the mornings until she weaned herself. She started sleeping through the night (12 hour stretch) at 9.5 months and we just had to CIO again with her (after a trip) but it only took one night and now she's back to a great schedule and routine (she's 10.5 months).

I found with my second child that the main object is not to wake up my first child (they are 13.5 months apart), who is a very light sleeper and has a tendency to start the day anywhere between 3:30 and 5:30 a.m., if he's woken. So we had to fix these problems at the same time or we were going to have a deprivation cycle on our hands. Good luck!

First, I know how desperately you want your sleep. Second, all those people whose babies "sleep perfectly through the night" are LYING. Oh sure, maybe they have some good nights where they do, sounds like you've had some good nights too. I imagine they either don't hear their baby crying the other times or they just let them cry. I spent the night at a friend's house whose 16 month old supposedly slept thought the night. My 20 month old and I were sleeping the floor upstairs when we were woken by him wailing and screaming which went on for an hour. When I mentioned it to the parents the next morning they admitted to not really hearing him cry anymore. He still cried, they just became desensitized.

I agree with Julie Z that you should think about reading The Baby Sleep Book. It became my life saver and what I took away from it was this; It is much easier for me to change my perspective and attitude about how my baby "should" sleep than to try to get my baby not to be a baby. My husband and I chose to co-sleep with our daughter. She started out tucked under my arm and needed to nurse with each waking. Gradually she graduated to a side car crib (like a co-sleeper) and at almost 2 tears old, she sleeps there still. Now either me or my husband lie next to her for to fall asleep at night. We used to have to stay until she was asleep but just recently she said, "bye bye" to me and I left the room for her to fall asleep by herself for the first time. No tears. Yes this took some time and attention on our part but I fel like I am reaping the benefits now. She has a good relationship with nighttime and sleep. She is not afraid of it because I never let her cry. Sleep is not a linear process. There are good nights and not so good nights. Their sleep is affected by growth spurts, teething, and brain development.

You may decide that CIO is what works best for you but I strongly encourage you to wait until your baby is at least 1 year. Until then a baby's wants are a baby's needs. Crying is the only way your son has to communicate his needs. When his needs are not met, he learns that his needs don't matter and that he shouldn't trust that he will be cared for. That's a harsh lesson to learn at 5 months.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. The only advice I would give is some that I received from my pediatrician with my first daughter - If they've slept through the night once, they can do it again. They won't starve, and they will learn eventually! It always took my daughter three nights of just crying through it to get her to sleep through the night again. (she would go down without a fuss, and would then wake up to eat...but only sometimes.)

That said, Mama Knows Best. If you know your little guy is teething, sick, or going through a growth spurt, by all means - feed him!

Good luck. Truly. I have a two year old daughter and a three week old son. I feel your pain!!! My two year old didn't sleep through the night TRULY consistently until I took away her whole-milk bottles at her second birthday. We let her "re-set" (ie - cry it out) every two months or so. She would sleep through the night great and then something would upset the balance and we'd have to start all over again.