Wedding Thank You Cards

Stop attempting to mold this young women into who you think she should be. It is what it is. You are her (very young I might add) step mother. If she has bad manners, so be it. But she has 11 more months before she is considered ill mannered. Accept her for who she is, and you will be less frustrated.

She sounds completely overwhelmed and (perhaps) depressed. Major life changes...baby, marriage...still living at home?? Job change....

The thank you's are MINOR. She has a year...leave her alone. Try to resist micro managing her. Babysit. give her some space, peace, and support. Sounds like she really needs it.

Good luck.

I need to chime in. It seems to me that late (and late is even up for debate) thank you cards are just a symptom of a larger problem. It sounds like she is struggling, whether it be with depression or adjusting to married life. Take some time with her to see if you can get her to open up. She needs some help.

Do people really ask, "Where's my thank-you card?" Those who do should be directed to her, because that is her responsibility and not yours. In fact, it would be terribly rude of you to send them out on her behalf. Take the ball out of your court. If YOU want to thank YOUR friends for their support, then you can, but that's from you and not your daughter.

This might sound extreme, but she actually has up to one year to get them out. She could whip out 15 notes, but what would she say so soon? Quite honestly, I prefer to get a thank-you that tells me how my gift was used/spent, instead of just "Thanks for the gift."

When your 80-year-old grandma asks you about the cards, tell her that only your daughter can answer to that.

Traditionally, she has a year to do this. She should get it done. But, it's not your responsibility. It's hers. If she never does it, it's not your fault. It's hers. If Grandma doesn't like it, agree and change the subject. It's not your problem, or it shouldn't be.

Well my mother-in-law is a wedding coordinator and an etiquette queen and says that the rules of etiquette say you have one year to get those cards out. I know that seems long, but like I said that is her business:) I think that a month is very early to worry about it, it is a big deal to get married. I think I did mine around 5 or 6 months after, which I will say was a bit long I thought, I just had a full plate at the time! Now as far as all the other stuff goes, I say give her a break and see how she handles everything. Her life may seem to be falling apart a little bit in some areas but she is a new wife and I am guessing first time mommy and it takes some growing up and maturity to handle it all. She can only get her experience and maturity by living life and dealing with whatever consequences come her way, don't rescue her, let her prove to herself and you she can handle it:) I know that is what has helped me the most! Have a great day:)

The thank you cards are not your responsibility, they are hers to do. Give her time, once everything calms down she will hopefully write them, if not, there is really nothing you can do. Maybe I am wrong, but I thought the proper ettique was you got a year to get them done. If she doesn't do them, then it will reflect bad on her not you.

I would be more concerned about the state of mind and health of your daughter than getting the thank you notes in the mail.
She sounds depressed and/or overwhelmed and those issues only she knows. It could be something very small--but--big to her.

It is not your responsibility to rescue her by doing the cards.

Blessings to you in handling this with loving hands and open heart.

Well, as step-mom (as I am myself) sometimes when you "harp" (though it's only in an effort to help) it gets misread. Whether she is your biological child or not, it's best to stay out of it. She's grown enough to have babies and get married, she needs to be responsible. You and I both know that we can teach our children the right thing to do and not to do, but they all have minds of their own. Surely she will get around to it.

As for waiting.....I wouldn't if I were her. She can open the account and then change her name on the account after she gets her name changed. I just remarried almost two years ago. And, the marriage certificate is not enough to put the account in her "married" name.....Besides, people don't like checks "hanging" in their register.....they want to clear it up....

Good luck....I know it's hard.....but, bite your tongue.... and when people ask, give them her number and tell them how much she would love to hear from them.....and they can ask about their check that hasn't cleared.

I believe that you have a year to write wedding thank you'd. This seems excessive, but I wouldn't worry too much that it has just been a month. Whether or not she writes thank yous is on her, not you. It takes a while to get your bearings after a huge life change and with the baby, marriage, and job loss, that's a lot to adjust to. She's an adult now... If someone asks about the checks, I would just say, "thank you forgiving them such a generous gift! I'll let her know you were wondering if she was going to cash it." and then do that... That's really all you can do. You don't want to damage your relationship with her over this and you constantly reminding her may be causing her to subconsciously rebel and not do it. About the checks, they were a gift to her... Her call when she cashes them. If she loses out on some of the funds, that's a lesson learned. For those who gave checks, it's a risk they take that they might not be cashed for awhile. The checkwriters should contact her directle if they want them cashed right away. Hope this provides some perspective...

I feel your pain! I've had the same issues with my daughter, but I think it was just after baby showers. For a long time I felt embarrassed that she didn't thank my friend or family member. I had to figure that if it really bothered them they may not ever get her another present and that would be her consequence. I just had to keep trying to stay out of her responsibility. I've always been overly responsible (like where others should be) anyway.

Recently I had a 50th birthday party for my sister and I figured she would be slow to send thank yous. I decided right away to send out notes of thanks for attending with photos I took of the guest at the party. It was appropriate since I wanted to send them the photo anyway. She finally got some thank yous out, but not to all, as I didn't get one. :-)

Things have really changed from yesteryear. When I think about all the times I've entertained and requested an RSVP and didn't get it, it's upsetting. Even for both of my children's weddings, people didn't RSVP! How do you plan and prepare if you don't know how many may come, 30 or 80? Of course, there are last minute problems but guests should tell the hostess whether to expect them or not. It's just common courtesy. I recently hosted a baby shower and put "Regrets only" with 3 phone numbers they could choose to call. I planned to have lots of guests and bought supplies and food accordingly. But about 18 people chose not to call or attend!

A couple in my family recently celebrated 50 years of marriage. The RSVPs were required for entrance into a military base reception hall and the food would cost the couple whether the guest attended or not and no food could be taken home. Some people added uninvited guests when they RSVPed, even one said 6 others were coming! And many others didn't even show after their food was paid for.

I know many are stressed and depressed but come on, have some courtesy!

Sorry, S.. I got off your subject but it's the same type of thing. I pray you can live the serenity prayer on this one.

No offense, but this is not your problem and is not a reflection on you. Stay out of it, return the thank you cards you bought to the store, and if your 80 year old grandma asks about it, tell her to ask the bride. You're not doing the bride and her new husband any favors by treating them like they are still 5 years old. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to face the consequences of being thought poorly of if they fail to send out thank you cards.

As Dear Abby would say - a late thank you note is better than no thank you note.

However, on a totally different subject - has your step-daughter seen a dr lately? Sounds as if she could be battling depression on some level. Something to consider.

Don't do it for her. You can talk to her one last time and let her know that one of the givers asked about it because they were about to cancel the check, assuming that it had been lost. Maybe if she thinks the gifts may disappear if she does not acknowledge them, she will go ahead and do it.

As far as the job goes, as long as you are not supporting her financially while she is out of work, she needs to find her own way with that. It can be really hard to watch but sometimes you have to let them fall on their face before they learn, we had to do that with my 23 yr old stepdaughter. She's grown up A LOT in the past year because we stopped swooping in to save the day. She is better for it. Hang in there!

As far as the thank you notes, it's not your responsibility. As far as not cashing the checks because of the name change, she just might find that the money won't be there anymore with some of them. People's financial situations change suddenly and abruptly these days, some don't balance their checkbooks, etc. Another thing, i don't like when people hold on to checks that long. I want it through my account so its not out there in limbo, and i have to keep checking if its gone through. Yes, i know the money is gone once i have written the check, but i still don't like them to be held more than a few weeks.

Things have changed, but older folks(usually the ones with the $)expect them. My dad is 70 and he gave 2 checks last year for graduation to 2 cousins. When i told him about 4 months later that one was pregnant, he said "Well that doesn't surprise me, i never did get a thank you note for that $100 My first thought was "What does that have to do with anything?" but i didn't say anything. I didn't even feel like having that conversation, but i am sure that he somehow equated it with being irresponsible. I'm not saying its right, but obviously it bothered him about the note.

Besides people like to know that you got money and it didn't get misplaced, go missing, whatever.

Ditto, Heather.

It is frustrating, but not your problem. Let it go. She is a grown married woman. Sounds like she is depressed. Which is not unusual right after a wedding... Her husband should take over the thank you note situation and make sure his wife goes to the doctor.

I think Thank You's should be sent as soon as the gift has been opened, but I'm a true stickler for Thank You notes & letters. It is inappropriate for you to send a Thank You on her behalf. Some say you have a year to send them, but I disagree. Thank you notes should be sent within two weeks of receipt. Unless they were on a honeymoon when the gift arrived. In either case, a month is a bit long. I would just simply state the rules of correct behavior & leave it at that. As for the checks, again, I disagree with her behavior, but she is a grown woman & needs to handle both the checks & thank you notes herself. Apologize to your friends & family, tell her what you think, and then let it go. You can always suggest people call her to ask if she received their check, etc... maybe that will prompt her to go to the bank & let people know she received & appreciated the gifts. Otherwise, you've done all you can.

I'm sorry, but this is her responsibility and her failure if she doesn't get them out. If anyone thinks it reflects negatively on you if you step daughter doesn't send out thank you cards, then it's their problem. If you want to help facilitate the card writing offer to babysitter so she can have an hour to write out the cards. People find time to do what's important to them, but with a 16 month old, she probably has difficulty find quiet time to think. I agree with the previous poster, if you want to thank your friends and family for being supportive of your step daughter, then do so, but that's not the same thing has her thanking them for their present. I hope you don't get too stressed about this, even if she never sends them out it's her decision not to do so.

Now that she is married, your relationship is changing and change is hard. Give her love, support and encouragement. Give advice only when she asks for it. If she asks for help, then help her if you can. If anyone asks about uncashed checks, give them her phone number. Sending thank you cards is proper, but it is not the end of world if it doesn't get done. Enjoy being a Grandma and allow yourself to let go of the responsibility of taking care of your daughter.
Blessings,
K.

Leave it alone. She's a grown up and next time she needs something those who gave so generously will think twice. She'll learn it's better not to burn bridges.

I can understand you wanting to push, but Ms. Emily Post says that wedding thank yous can be sent anytime in the year after the wedding takes place. This has been the rule for a LONG time, not changed recently, so even your 80 year old grandmother should understand that. Yes, she needs to send them out. But you nagging (and I'm sorry to use that word, but that's what the constant asking/begging/pleading/remdinding feels like to a young woman) isn't going to help her get them out sooner. And no, I don't think you can do them for her. She needs to do them.

As for the checks...yes, she really should cash those, though I can understand her wanting to wait and open an account.

Hi S.....I'd stay out of this. Your step-daughter is a grown woman and needs to handle this on her own, her way. If she never sends the thank-you's out, she'll have to suffer any consequences. Considering you say she only has 10-15 to send out, my opinion is that they're sent out in a timely manner, but again, that's her choice to make. I wouldn't send them on her behalf...it's not your responsibility to do so. She has to grow up sometime! :O)

When Grandma asks, hand her the phone to call the step-daughter!

As for quitting her job, perhaps she's decided to be a stay at home mom for awhile? Certainly nothing wrong with that choice if it's affordable. Continue to support & love her, but let her find & lead her own path.

I'm going to be blunt here. Stay out of it and bite your tongue. It's not your concern or your life. It's her life and you cannot tell her how to run it. You're crossing the line by trying to take things into your own hands. You've already said your peace. Leave it at that. Harping on it is just going to add more to her stress and it sounds as if she needs comfort not nagging. If you or others don't like it that the cards haven't gone out yet then that's your problem, not hers. Everyone is not cut from the same cookie cutter. She will get them out when she can. My daughter's MIL tries to run her and my SIL's life by telling them what to do and how to do it and it's an incredible amount of unnecessary and unwanted pressure to have to deal with. If she's already having emotional issues, sharing your anxiety over something like this is only making her feel worse. I know it's hard to cut the apron strings but you have to let her live her own life, by her own rules. Good luck to you both.

you should just let it be. it is her responsibility now, she needs to grow up some. i know that they are important to you but that may not be a priority to her. they were their gifts. but i do think she should go ahead and cash them, people may be waiting for them to clear the bank...but stand back and let her take the heat, if grandma asks again just tell her to ask her..so maybe she will get the picture.

I would say that you have done all you can and should just probably let it go at this point. Your step daughter may be overwhelmed with everything going on in her life and this may not be a priority at this time. Do not feel like it is a reflection on you and your husband. You have been nice to offer your help and to buy the cards and address them. But I think that is all you can do without crossing the line. If anyone asks about the gifts all you can do is respond that, yes, the gifts have been received and are greatly appreciated and leave it at that. I know this puts you in an awkward position, but like you said, you cannot physically make her write the notes. She will do it on her timetable. Again, you have been very helpful but she, or her husband, has to do the rest.

I think she is having some issues with baby, job, marriage, growing up...everything all at the same time.
Not all 23 year olds are grown up and capable of seeing consequences. If it were me, I would give her a little space and tell her to let you know if she needs help with anything.

You need to take a quiet, supportive role and know that what she does is not a reflection on you or your husband.
My sister was 25 when she got married the first time. She never sent out thank yous....she never sends Christmas cards, or birthday cards to anyone. She got into financial trouble once, we helped her, she never thanked us....we will not help her again.
She is self-centered even though she was NOT raised that way. But we still love her b/c she is family. When grandma asks next time, you could tell her that you can't control the situation, but you still love them. And leave it at that.

As hard as it might be, it's best to abide by boundaries and let your step-daughter send out the thank-you cards. You have done more than enough with addressing the envelopes and reminding her. She is an adult - perhaps a bit ungrateful and lacking in manners - so it's her responsibility. Have you asked husband if he could help with the thank-you cards?

Hi S.,
Sounds like your talking about a little girl still under your wing.Shes a grown woman and if she chooses not to send out these thank-you card its on her.As much as you don't want to look bad its not your duty any more to tell her what she should or should have done.
So yes eazzzz your mind and learn to stay out of her buisness.Put your focus into your husband and your grandchildren.

I dont meant to sound rude when I say this but all these things are her problem. If your friends ask say you did the best you could shes a grown woman its up to her! Does she realize that some checks are void after 90 days. Again this is her problem and you should stay out of it like you thought. BTW It took me four months to write thankyou notes, we either included how we spent money or how we planned to do it. We had 140 ty to write. If she never writes them forgive her and move on. Good luck.

She is an adult - she needs to take responsibility for it. Sounds like the past month has been rough for her - quitting her job has probably increased her stress. All you can do is offer to help mail them. Maybe offer to watch her 16 month old so she can sit down and write uninterrupted. When she chooses to cash and deposit her checks is her business. (Although I agree with you she should do it right away, so none of the checks bounce!) There are going to be alot of times you disagree with how your daughter chooses to do things - nagging her will only make her not want to do it your way. Look for ways to encourage her - cook her a meal or baby sit so she can have a night out with her husband. I wouldn't mention the thank you cards again. If grandma asks, tell her to ask your daughter about it. Maybe if grandma asks, she'll get embarrassed enough to do it. Try to let it go and focus on encouraging and loving your daughter.

Hi S.-

I agree with everyone else that this is her responsibility. But I will add that I didn't have any thank you notes mailed in the first month after my wedding and I didn't have any children at the time. Now, it was over 10 years ago and I had about 200 to write, but I'm just sure I did not have any done after only 1 month! I remember very clearly setting a goal for myself to have them all out by 6 months and I actually did it by 4 months. As someone else said, the rules of etiquette give her up to 1 year to send thank you's.

Best of luck,
K.

I don't think you are expecting too much. I think I would write them myself and sign her name. I would tell her that I was doing it first. Maybe that will give her more incentive to do them, but if not she won't send out ones later and they will all be wondering why they got two. There's a huge possibility that some of these people may be invited to a baby shower or kids bday in the future, you may want to tell your daughter you won't be comfortable inviting these people if she can't thank them properly for the gifts they give. Just a thought...good luck.

She can deposit those checks under any name, and she HAS to get them in the bank before they expire and so people can balance their accounts. I would sit down with her and do it together. Just firmly say that you'll help her, here is the stuff to do it, and do it.

Don't do it for her and don't cover for her either. My in-laws did that for my sister-in-law for years and all they did was enable her. if someone asks, I would says, "Well. I bought her all the material. She hasn't done it yet. Why not call her?" I am sure most people won't - how is going to call and say, "Hey. I haven't received my thank you card for the $200 I sent you." because it is an unspoken rule that you just send the cards.

I would ask her how she would feel if she gave a check to (pick someone) and never heard from them. Lay the guilt on a bit thick if you have to. How about her husband? Why not get him to write them too? She is now married, it is not just her job is it?

I don't think you can force her to write them like you did when she was younger, but you can certainly tell her that seeing you helped her buy them etc. that you expect her to respect you and her father and write them.

Hi S.,
I would stay out of it! You raised her well, she knows what to do. She has a plan so let her continue as she is grown & a mother herself. If you were to send out the thank yous it would be embarrasing for her and will probably cause resentment. And respond to your 80 year old grandma by simply telling her the plan. She has every intention on sending out the cards but she is waiting for her certificate and plans to cash the checks soon. Take up for her and you will feel better for it. I hope this helps. You raised her with good morals, I'm sure you will see as time goes on. She is still young and learning how to be an adult takes time.

You have told her now it is time for you to leave her alone.
It is her life. Sounds like she will probably screw up on several different areas. Thank you notes are probably the least of the problems. You have to let her fail. As hard as that is...

Mom, I think you have already done all you can, she is an adult. She needs to take care of her own situation.
You are a sweet mom to worry for her but all you can do is advise her and it will eventually sink in.

I think it would be good for you just to be there for her, and let her know how how good of a mother she is and all. Sometimes just a helping hand is all it takes. Now if she does not get the thank you cards done then help her fill them out or something.

L.

Congrats on the wedding! She sounds very overwhelmed. I feel for her also. She does have a responsibility to say thanks for her gifts regardless. I like the idea of sending out the cards for her also. I would tell her in advance. I would also try to talk to her from the givers' point of view. The givers need to know that their gift was received and not lost or something. They also need to know that the gifts were appreciated, especially during these times.