I am a bridesmaid this weekend in a high school friend's wedding. I believe she is the last of my friend's to get married. Typical wedding - you have the expense of dress, shoes, undergarments, hair, shower gift, bachelorette party, etc... The entire cost probably around $400-$500. When I got married 6 years ago, I told my entire bridal party not to give me a wedding gift, because their purchase of the dress and other expenses were much appreciated. I believe they all listened, and for the girls who didn't, I gave them their monetary gift back in their thank you. I have adopted a similiar practice when I am a bridesmaid. I usually will give the couple a nice card with a note thanking them for having me be part of their special day. I told my coworker this the other day, and she was shocked. Am I not being appropriate? Especially during this tough economy, I am really watching our expenses, and didn't budget to give another monetary gift. Plus, I didn't give to my other friends when I was in their weddings, and they are also bridesmaids at this wedding. Is it all about the gifts these days???
I completely understand about the expense. My best friend is getting married in Vegas in July, and she just told me about it a few weeks ago. After spending $400 on a plane ticket, $100 on the dress, and the added expense of food and travel, I'm not going to have any money left for a gift. If it's a good friend, she won't be petty about wanting a gift from you when you've done so much for her already.
I would talk to the other bridesmaids and see what the others are doing. If you are the only one who takes this stance, sorry, but if this person is a good friend, they are, hopefully, going to be in your life for a long time and you will want to get this right. Just because you chose the stance of "no gifts at your wedding", doesn't mean that it is understood that your friend will be following the same tradition. Nor should you think less of her, if she doesn't.
Yes, it's an incredible expense when you are in a wedding party. Hopefully the bride is sensitive to the expense that she is putting everyone through. But.... you accepted that responsibility when you accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid. I'm sure this is a hot topic amongst the bridesmaids and everyone wants to get it right. Even the Maid-of-honor may have more insight about this.
At the very least, a personal gift (i.e. framed picture or small collage of the two of you, small hard cover photo album that can be assembled by a place like Wolf Camera, gourmet/personal basket, special bottle of wine (check with Mainstreet Liquors for suggestions) , etc....should be given to the happy couple.
Good luck to you.
It is all about the gifts. Just like parents who throw a great big party for the child turning a year old and when they are not happy with the gifts people give their baby, they want to return the items for the money. It is all about the gifts in any event, wedding or birthday.
You know what you can afford and what you can't. If she is a close enough friend to ask you to be a brides maid, just give her a card and write a nice note wishing her the best.
Recently my cousins daughter graduated from high school i have never seem her daughter face to face, just pictures and cards. Money is very tight at our house and I sent her a beautiful card and said I wish I could have sent more than a card but money is so tight at our house. She sent a lovely card back saying that she appreciates our prays and a gift was not necessary. I think it would be OK to just give a card.
S.
I agree with some of the other posts, it shouldn't be all about the gift (but for some people it is). I think you've done enough spending the amount of money that you have. That said, I think that you could give her a small little "brag book" to hold photos to show friends before her wedding pictures come in, or a little book from the bookstore - like recipes, love poems, etc. ANYTHING small would be great. I think you could note in the card that it meant a lot to you to be in her wedding and that you hope she appreciates this ADDITIONAL token for a successful and happy marriage.
Traditional etiquette specifies that every invited attendee/couple of a wedding ceremony sends a gift. This includes a guest that spends thousands of dollars traveling across the globe to attend the wedding, as well as the members of the wedding party. Further, an etiquette traditionalist would be *shocked* at the thought of giving a wedding gift at a shower...a shower is a separate event and separate gifts of affection are required!
Of course, these rules supersede today's abominable, modern custom of requiring a bridesmaid to purchase and wear the same, silly expensive dress selected by the bride. Etiquette dictates that the wedding attendants, as well as all guests, wear something appropriate for the formality of the occasion.
Further, the rule of a guest "paying" for their reception dinner via their gift is crude. Any sincere gift is a lovely and acceptable gesture, and should be embraced by the newlyweds as a token of love.
Your practice of letting your attendants know you did not want a gift was gracious and lovely. *Technically*, I don't think traditional etiquette approves of you returning the monetary gifts, but I think it is wonderful, nonetheless!
Unfortunately, I do not have any advice for you. I just wanted to let you know the traditional rules of etiquette. I doubt this helps you, but I send you my very best wishes!
Was she one of the girls in your wedding? If so she may remember that she didn't get you an present.
You could always do something more personal. Like cookies of the month club for their first year (if you like to bake), or a favorite book on marriage, etc.
Something little might mean a lot!
Some are all about the gifts. If you are giving a shower gift, are you expected to give a wedding gift? Wow. I always thought the shower was the place to give a wedding gift. I don't see anything wrong with giving them a card congratulating them and thanking them for including you. Especially since you are not doing it to be cheap or anything.
It does seem like it's all about gifts sometimes!
I would say that if you are in the wedding that you should still do something if the bride has not specifically told you not to.
My maid of honor did a cross-stitch and framed it for me. I made a photo collage when I was the MOH in my friend's wedding. I also did a scrapbook for another friend I stood up for. I'm sure those personal gifts mean more than any kind of monetary gift. My friends enjoyed the pictures of us growing up together the most in the photo collage and the scrapbook. Even if you only framed a small photo of the two of you, that would be a great gift!
That's my suggestion!
I think you should do what's best for your family. If you didn't budget extra $, just give the card like you've done in the past. A true friend will understand. Times are tough now for everyone! Don't worry about other people's thoughts.
I think the expenses of being a bridemaid are more then enough, you can still do something small, but if she is connected to the rest of your friends who you only gave a card to, that may put you in a sticky situation. To be honest, I would keep it just the way you were doing it. Just give the card, put a nice thank you in there, and be done with it. If you are a bridesmaid, I would assume you and the bride are very close, and unless your wealthy, she probably doesn't expent anything extra from you anyways.
