Weaning from Breastfeeding at 12 Months

Hi, Allison.

You've had a lot of great advice! As one poster noted, most of the comments encourage you to continue nursing. So I would ask you this: Do you really want him to wean? Or do you expect that babies should wean at about one year, and so that's your goal?

IF you really want him to wean, you've received some great ideas already - distractions, more cuddling, creating your own book, etc.

IF, however, you have an expectation that babies wean at a year and/or that society expects this, consider nursing longer. Your son seems to really need that contact from you, at least for now. As you can see from the comments so far, many mothers nurse children past the one-year mark (including me - I am tandem nursing my four year old and seven month old). World-wide, the average age of weaning is a bit over four years old; the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding to the age of two.

In making your decision, it might also help to think of you and your son as a nursing couple - you both need to be happy and that means weighing your needs and his and balancing them as best you can.

Best wishes!

Without a doubt, your little one is not ready to wean yet. I commend you for going a full year, and challenge you to break on through to the other side...break on through to the other side...break on through to the other side. [Gotta love the Doors] The other side being, of course, nursing into the 2nd year.

It is definitely an emotional need in addition to a nutritional one; all kids are different, and while your 4 yo sounds like he was fine with the timing of his weaning, it sounds like this one most definitely is not. Now, I'm not sure if you're burned out on it or not, but I would continue nursing. It isn't worth the fighting and distress. Even though he may not remember it, it is a very upsetting time for your son. He doesn't understand weaning: he's not ready for it, so it isn't even a blip on the radar of his mind. I would go easy on him and continue to nurse, for as long as he needs it. Many little ones taper off when they're ready...

That being said, if you're at your wits end - you could slowly taper down to the most important times for him. Waking up, going to sleep, for comfort after a scare or injury. Compromise: give him what he needs, but go easy on yourself as well (if you need it). But shoot...if you're still happy with it, I would just sit back and enjoy the ride. Nursing after the first year is just fine: don't let cultural stereotypes convince you otherwise. There are a lot of people partaking in that cup, and reaping the rewards: continuing emotional bonds, comfort, and nutrition for their wee one.

Good luck! www.kellymom.com is a great nursing site, if you haven't already delved into it. =)

Good for you! I know it is hard to nurse beyond the stated one year, but it's the best thing you can do for your child.

Having said that, I was amused by the two hour limit because it sounds like you have your son on a Fixed Interval schedule, which was my favorite graph when I was in college. (I found a website with a picture so you can see what I am talking about. http://www.csulb.edu/labs/lee/instru14.gif)

What happens is that your son actually will start to get more fussy as you get toward your 2-hour limit. The graph makes sort of a scallop curve with a gradual increase as you reach the two hour peak. The point is that this is the hardest schedule to distinguish. Just when you think it's over, the unwanted behavior will rear its ugly head.

Having said that, My oldest son nursed to 3 1/2 years and my youngest to 2 1/2. I had to force the oldest, but the youngest weaned himself. They are only 19 months apart, so there was almost 2 years of tandem nursing. Now, hindsight--my oldest has just recently been diagnosed with Sensory Integration issues, so there was no way that he was going to stop on his own. But nursing him was probably one of the best things I could have done for him.

It's a tough call. It's hard to know in the moment what is the right thing for your kids in the future, but that's what we have to do as parents. Good luck. I know it's hard.

This may not be exactly what you had hoped to hear, but it is good solid advice and works; you only, have to believe it and take authority in it.

The advice I am giving you comes from a Dr.'s point of view and actually in regards to another age group, but with similarities of "taking control".

First ask yourself what has been "significantly" different in breast feeding this child versus your previous. Discern when the fits began. What stems the need for nursing instead of pacifiers, etc.? If you have asked yourself these things already, and clearly have no good answer, then ask yourself why you are willing to give in and suffer the pain in breast feeding to accomodate what is clearly taking "advantage" of the situation. I know it must hurt terribly with the teeth, so do not put yourself through that.

Your child knows you love him. No matter what is going on, if you have checked all of the reasons, possible, for the necessant crying and fits, and to no avail, nothing will appease him, let your Dr. check for underlying problems, that you cannot determine. He should be more than willing to help. However, if by simply breast feeding, the crying comes to a halt, every time, this is a RED FLAG. You must stop giving in.

Have you tried replacing the "need" by diverting his attention, such as, reading a book to him (to calm and soothe him), or turn on a funny cartoon ( to change the mood), or playfully tickling or wrestling (to get over the anxiety, which last about 6 seconds, truly)? Hey when it comes to our child, we want to do everything we can; we just don't want to create problems for them when they get older.

Here is the fulfilling of the wonderful advice. You may not enjoy (or tolerate) much of the crying, but it will behoove you to know, that in order to overcome, you must endure. After doing all you can, make sure every avenue is covered, by leaving "many" pacifiers, or teething objects, cloths and such in the area with him, and close the door! Put on an ear piece if you have to, but do no give in. The GOOD NEWS is that he will not go hungry, because when he "needs" the food, he will take a bottle. He is too young to think that he has a choice when it comes to "necessity".

This is what I have been told about my own with complications of eating, in general. She was 5, and trying in the same manner to eat what she wanted and refusing the other. It was not healthy, nor wise. The same is true for you.

Best wishes and I pray you will take this message to heart and know, I do not judge, I am a mere mortal mother who has been there and knows that you are special too!

I haven't read other responses and haven't been in your situation - all three of my kids weaned so easily it hurt my feelings! I do remember talking to my kids about it, though. Specifically, I said "We're all out of milk" with a sympathetic shrug. I still have a mental picture of my youngest looking at me for a minute like, "Hmm, this is new information." But then he accepted it and went on.

So try looking him in the eyes and discussing the issue with him. Maybe he'll decide he'd like a new more mature relationship with you. Can't hurt ;).

Hi Allison,
Do you have to stop nursing in order to work? The waking up at night has got to be difficult. My first son, I gave him teething tablets that seemed to really help him. I can't remember what they were called...got them at a health food store, little bottle..pink and blue label. Sorry, just ask at a health food store. You need sleep!!! You might the nursing will go on forever, but from my experience, it didn't. Three boys, they let me know when they were ready to move on.

alison, yeah its amazing how god created us to nurse our babies, then we take it away from them in this fast paced world, but in most cases children wean themselves pretty easily, its a compliment that he likes you , and feels comforted by you, there is nothing wrong in breastfeading longer, if he needs it, i know how hard it is to want to be free of it, and yet to let it go, i would say first of all if you are going to say no, and change it to a yes, you are better off just saying yes and not getting the whole battle thingy going, i found it hard to make myself do this, but its worth it, make your yes mean yes and your no mean no, if you do this your child wont push you to your limit, they say find your battles and stick to them, if its important enough for you to have him quit, then you wont be giving in to him later, he has learned you have a limit, but before you answer him, think will i change my answer later, if i do then just go straight to the yes, its ok to let him feed, and be comforted in the only way he knows how and is imbred in him, if you strongly feel he cant have it, then stick to your no , a child needs boundaries, and if they cant find that boundary its frustrating to them, if you are a mom who will change that boundary, then the problem is with you not him, be a strong mom, and stick to your answers, your child will be happier knowing he has boundaries and he will learn at no cost can he cross it, even a two hour fit, so the answer is with you, if you will give in and change your boundary,then you first need to convince yourself where the boundary is, then take that stand, its ok you can do it, we all face many issues like this!! proud of mom of 3 happy breast fed babies, its ok to give them what they need, especially so young, unless it crosses your boundaries, D. s

I totally understand that you are ready to get your body back and agree that one year is plenty to nurse. I nursed all three of mine. My oldest for four months, my second for 7, and my youngest for 9 months until she started biting me and drawing blood. I couldn't do it anymore after that because I tensed up just thinking about her biting me again. And if you can't relax of course your milk will not come down anyway. The other responces you have got are good, but they all recommend you keep going. I think if you are ready to be done than be done. Don't feel bad about it. You said that your son will take bottles from others. I suggest if it is possible to plan a girls weekend. Get away for a couple days and let your husband bottle feed him. When you get back hopefully he will have gotten used to being without it and it will be easier to offer him the bottle or sippy cup yourself. And do not pump while you are gone. Just let it dry out. You'll then close the door on that chapter and it will be easier for you to say no and stick to it. It is a hard adjustment for both of you, but he will not remember it if he does throw a fit. Kids are pretty resiliant:) Good luck to you, sweetie!

I guess the first thing that I'd consider is why wean now when he seems to really need to nurse. Nursing is so much more than just nutrition, but comfort for little ones. My five older kids have weaned with minimal prompting between 14 months and about two. My sixth child, an 18 month old, seems to really need to nurse still. When he cuddles and reaches his little hand up for a kiss during nursing, I realize how special this time is for him. It can be such a tough time with getting molars, new independence with mobility and language, but it can be so tough emotionally, too. Even though sometimes it seems like it lasts forever, these times when they really need us go so fast. My oldest son turns 13 tomorrow, and I think back to when I first held him a mere 6# 6oz 13 years ago tomorrow.

Hi Allison,

This sounds a lot like my son. The first thing I need to say is to not give in. This is teaching him that if he throws a fit long enough and loud enough that he will eventually get his way. I will tell you what I did.
My son is currently 20 mo old and I just weaned him completely. He has not nursed in just over 2 weeks. I took him off of mid-night feedings I think when he was about 16 mo old. It was 3-4 nights of nothing but screaming and fussing for a good 3-4 hours before he would exhaust himself and finally fall asleep. He was the same as yours, could go hours screaming. My husband and I haven't gone out for an evening by ourselves since he was about 5 mo old because of this reason! Anyhow, I just stuck to my guns and he eventually was ok with it. Though he would still wake around 1-2 am in the morning and get into bed with us. Then in Feb., he was 19 mo, I decided to stop the day time feedings, which was only 2 at this time. This time wasn't as hard. He screamed and cried for 1/2 - 1 hour before finally going to sleep. He will eventually realize that if he wants something to drink, he needs to drink from a cup. My son has just started to gain some weight since I've stopped nursing because he is hungry and the nursing was supplementing him. He is small but nothing that we have ever had to worry about. He only weighs 23 lbs.

Your son is being stubborn and already knows what to do to get you to give in. My son doesn't have a favorite blanket or nuk or toy either, just me for comfort. I still lay with him to go to sleep and take naps. That will be changed at a later date. But for now I am fine with it and so is he. He is getting a little more independent with sleeping so we will make the transition when he is a little older to sleeping on his own, or with me by his side. But we know longer nurse which is the good thing. He is actually sleeping now 7-8 hours at night. NICE!! If you want to talk about it more, just let me know. Sorry this was so long.

Allison,

You are not the first or last this has happened to. While I don't know you or your baby boy, I know this for sure: He's just not ready to stop nursing.

I acknowledge that your first son stopped on his own easily, but that cliche that all children are different rings true and you will see this throughout their lives.

I say stick with it a bit longer and try again in 2-3 months. What better comfort is there than the comfort of a mother's loving touch?

He sounds like a very spirited child (see the Baby Whisperer for child personality tests and how to parent by personality). That determination is something I had a hard time with, too. I'm just now learning the difference between hurt and harm. I had them confused for at least the first 30 months of parenting. I thought if she cried or threw an angry fit that she was being harmed, when actually, she was just hurting. I had such a hard time letting her be sad or angry that now she has a hard time losing anything or not getting her way. I wish I had had understood this in infancy (I would've dealt with it then), so I wouldn't be trying to help her learn it as a preschooler. If my dilemma resonates with you, try reading Boundaries with Kids by Cloud/Townsend.

I remember how hard that was for me! I have several children and breastfed all of them. Be patient and give him time to adjust. It is hard when we have to take away their comfort. Keep trying. Eventually he will get tired of the fight. And don't feel bad about giving in when you have had enough. Your comfort is crucial too. This is part of a mother's burden because we would rather nurture than deprive our children, and timing is important. I believe your son will have a breakthrough soon. Maybe there is a "big boy" dialogue you can start with him in another area for instance if he puts his toy in the toy box you say big boy and give a reward. Soon you could start to bring the big boy dialogue to breastfeeding and he may be able to associate it with the reward for putting the toy away. He's pretty small still but they are smart and language associations might work.

Hey Allison! I don't know a whole lot about breastfeeding, cause I'm in the same boat you are right now (starting to wean my 12 month old!), but maybe your son isn't ready to wean yet! Maybe you should go back to the way things were for about a week and then reasses. Also, we just got an Adiri Natural Nurser bottle and it's the only bottle my breastfed daughter will take. You can find them at http://www.adiri.com/. Maybe you son would go for this too. My daughter has actually asked for this instead of nursing (yay!). And my last thought, maybe try to force him to get more connected with something other than nursing. I know it's hard, cause my daughter is the EXACT same way, but I have been trying to put a blankie between her and I while I nurse to try and get the positive feelings of nursing to be connected to the blanket too.

Anyway, I hope this helps! You probably already knew everything I suggested, but if nothing else, know that you're not alone! :o)

I've nursed 4 children. I would say don't push it. It's stressful on both of you. Watch for his cues that he is ready to give it up & it will go much easier. All of my kids weaned themselves; no stress at all! But they have to be emotionally ready.

As far as the cup issue, perhaps try something different, rather than a sippy cup.
I would guess that he wants the comfort time with you, and he sees nursing as that time. Perhaps if you were to pre-empt these episodes before he has a chance to throw a fit, it may help. Try having snuggle time where you're doing something else besides nursing, like reading a book or singing songs. It may just be that he sees nursing as a way to have your undivided attention?

Good for you for nursing both your boys so long. I nursed all 3 of my kids, the last one the longest, at 21 mos. Obviously your ds is not ready to wean, so why make everyone miserable and force it? I would let him keep nursing, it is great for you, for him, and for your relationship. As long as both you and he are fine with it, I would continue. BUT, if you do decide to force wean him, you need to be consistant. Even at one yr old, he is smart enough to know you will eventually give in if he cries and throws a fit. IF you decide to wean, you need to be done and not give in to his cries. If it were me, I would keep nursing. You are doing a great job so far, why quit now?
S., mom of 3 and daycare provider

Some suggestions / questions. What do you put in the sippy cup? It could be that he is partial to the breast milk and if you are still producing, just start pumping your milk and put it in the sippy cup. Or, maybe it is just the position. Try giving him the sippy cup but still hold him as if you were nursting him. Or, it may be that he, too, will wean himself in the next month. My sister had similar problems with her first too; was a pro by the time the third one came along. All I know is YOU HAVE TO STAY STRONG!!!!! No matter what. My middle niece was attached to sucking her thumb and because my sister was not strong on breaking her of the habbit; Taya now has a big gap in the front of her mouth; still sucks her thumb; and will need to have surgery once all her teeth come in - she just turned 8 in March.

If you do continue to try to wean, be consistent. And you may want to try using a regular cup. My daughter didn't care for the sip cups for certain drinks and was able to go to a small regular cup quickly. And try with a bit of water first if you're concerned about spilling.
Also, it may be that he feels a lack of connection without the nursing, so be sure to hold him more.

Allison: might he be responsive to a story book? When my daughter was night time weaning, I made a very simple book with construction paper, pen and stapled it together. I showed mommy and daddy sleeping and baby sleeping too. Then I drew a picture of two breasts sleeping too. It was obvious what they were but very simply drawn (I'm not much of an artist). The words were something like, "It's night time. Baby sleeps. Mommy and daddy sleep too. Everyone sleeps." I think I might have included something about when we wake up we eat. our daughter slept with us at the time,so it was not easy to wean her, but the book seemed to work well. She was about 15 months at the time. After we cut out the night time nursing, it was much easier to wean for the daytime. Good luck.

I apologize in advance for this rambling answer - read the last sentence if you don't want to read it all...

Your son gets his needs for love and comfort met in the arms of his Mommy while he nurses. How can a cold hard lump of plastic or a piece of cloth compete with that? I think it's beautiful for a child to be attached to people rather than objects. All four of mine were like that. And yes, it is not always convenient. I remember being upstairs nursing a two year old to sleep and feeling like I was missing out on the gathering of friends we had downstairs - many times! But that time does pass quickly and one day you have a child who is too busy to stop for more than a quick hug. I would try to relish these moments. One year old is awfully young.

Look at it from his point of view - you have developed a great nursing relationship and now you want to cut him off. A child that age doesn't understand why - you are withdrawing the breast, but along with that you are taking his security, his well- being, his "all is right with the world" feeling. Nursing can help a toddler deal with a lot of the frustrations in his life. Leaving him to cry jeopardizes the trust that he has. That results in a greater amount of clinginess and neediness because now he isn't sure if his needs will be met or not. It is important to repair that damaged trust. Some will say that being held and comforted is not a need, that he is manipulating you, but I say intimacy IS a human need.

Read something by Elizabeth Pantley - she gives humane tips on how to wean without trauma. Good luck, you are not alone!

This may sound wierd, but you might try putting something like lemon or lime juice around your nipples before feeding, this may "encourage" him to stop on his own. If he's not responding to taking a sippy-cup or bottle, you may want to avoid them altogether if is able drink from a regular cup.

Allison,

Good for you for such a commitment to nursing. You should be proud, that is an accomplishment.

My son is 16 months this week, and is still nursing. I had planned to start weaning a bit before now, but the timing hasn't been right. I think it is important to think about the other things going on before adding a new thing on top. If the molars are coming in, it might be worth waiting until they are in before trying to wean. Thats been my plan... my little guy has finally gotten his last one in on the top so we are working on cutting off all the night nursing.

My older son weaned like a dream at 15-16 months. If I had tried with my younger, I am sure it would have been a nightmare. I think he is getting ready to wean now, so I'll be starting that in April.

Something else to remember, if you give in after a 1/2 hour, he will remember that and it will take at least a 1/2 an hour before he gives in next time. Once you start, you need to be able to stick with it, or you will both be tired and frustrated. I found that distraction worked well when weaning my older son. I'd put him in the stroller and go for a walk instead of nursing in the morning... or have lunch out and then put him in the car for a drive to let him fall asleep for nap instead of nursing then...

Good luck
J.
SAHM to Charlie (3-24-05) and Joey (12-4-06)

My main advice is decide what is best for you and your family. My son is 18 months and still nursing - that's our choice. I worked full time when he was 4-9 months - I'm a teacher so summer was off and now I'm on leave. It is tough not to get sleep.

With night time waking, could your husband go in? My son does better when it isn't me and the "source of goodness." :) I no longer night nurse - cold turkey at one year and not an issue thankully. Those teeth are tough - do you have something to give him for the pain? That might help too. We did a dose of Tylenol at bed on days we knew he was having trouble. Choose what works or you.

Sippy cups. We were lucky that Kaz liked what we gave him. Have you tried a cup with a straw or something more like a water bottle? Something like the Sigg water bottle. Maybe it just a matter of finding the "right" cup, like some babies don't like particular bottles or nipples. Maybe he'd like to help pick it out - control?

Whatever you decide don't give in. Kids are smart and know if you will eventually cave. I night nursed my son once around 16 months during a teething bout. He woke again the next night - and I caved and nursed. Consequently he woke the next night. It was a tough night but I said no and offered water. No more night waking after that (ok, on occassion, but no milk).

Good luck. I know how hard it is too hear them cry. Just breaks your heart. I you wean now feel good about all the good things you've given yourself and your son. Less than 50% of moms make it to 6 months, let alone past a year and WORKING! Good for you.

thats really hard. I nursed my boys for quite a while. this may be my last and he's almost two and I'm still nursing him. Its hard when your in public and they want to nurse all the time. My little guy seems to need reasurance when were around alot of people. Also wants to nurse at nap and bed time and after. My guy never took a pacifier either,I'm pretty much it. He will take a sippy cup though and he does fine when I am not around. I say if he's not biting and your o.k with it,dont fight it. He can nurse for another year,theres nothing wrong with it. Have you tried teething tablets at night? My little ones had the hardest time with those molers too. If you are determined to quit nursing they say you should do it gradually...cut out mornings first and eventually evening time. Its o.k if he wants a bottle...start with that untill he's ready for a sippy cup. Its o.k to confort them...like you said he doesnt have a pacifier or anything....your it. Their only little for a little while....enjoy him! I'm sure you do,very much. They are so fun! I also have a four year old and a 13 year old boy. Good luck!

All of my children weaned themselves at around 12-13 months of age. They just lost interest at that point. However, my youngest is 20 months and still loves to nurse about twice a day. For some reason, she just wanted to nurse longer.

I am thinking that since your son is getting molars right now, maybe the nursing is extra comforting to him. You might wait until they are in to try to wean him.

HE's trying to tell you that he's not ready, so just lay off for a couple weeks, then try again. getting molars, starting to walk, learning to talk, its a whole new world for him, and nursing is his comfort.

You should be able to cut out the daytime sessions one at a time by keeping him busy, Even getting out of the house for a couple days. Go to the mall, go somewhere to play, and keep him busy aroun those nursing times. It'll only take a couple days for him to get out of the habit of the daytime nursings.

Plus right now he's getting soem very valuable nutrients, fats, and antibodies. ITs still very much flu season and every germ you come in contact with, your body will produce an antibody adn pass that along to your son to keep him healthy! Plus the fats in breastmilk are what is supporting his huge brain growth, and you can't match that with any cows milk or formula.

I'd skip the bottle too. Take him to hte store nad let him pick out a sippy! THey have Thomas, spiderman, all kinds of fun ones. TAlk it up, and if he throws it, don't give it back, but keep it available all day with water in it. Just have a cupsitting where he can get it, on the coffee table, end table, whatever, just make it available all day for him.

But again, he's not ready, so pushing it will onl ycause stress on the two of you. Being 'busy' during the day will help him to wean from the daytime nursings, but those morning and bedtime ones can be very important to a young one. My boys nursed well past a year (my youngest to almost 2) at bedtime.