We Want a Christmas to remember....it May Be Impossible

Have two seperate gatherings. One with the drama queen, FIRST. Tell her it is her special time ALONE with her mom, take them out to dinner. Be in public so she won't be so willing to show her a66. Tell her because of hectic schedules of the other sister this is how it must be.
If she asks why she can't come when the other sibling get together is tell her this year you are doing things different. You want each daughter to have one on one time with the mom.
Be proactive. Stay in control and don't let her get the get the upper hand.
Good luck!!
D.

You take her away for Christmas. You take her to a city, country, state, town whatever that she always wanted to visit for the holiday and leave everyone else out of it.

You can't control other people. It would seem this is the family she has, if the stress is too much then she needs to accept no family gatherings.

If there is an environment where they behave have Christmas there. My ex's family were pieces of work but they always behaved in public so in times of stress we celebrated in restaurants, ya know?

If this is your sick fiancee's wish, then do so with boundaries. Talk to your fiancee and tell her that for her sake you'll invite the daughter but for everybody else's sake, if she acts up, she's going to be asked to leave. Call the cops on HER if she tries to pick a fight or won't leave or gets physical. Maybe between now and then work with your fiancee on how to not get upset over her daughter. I'm sure that part of her wants the daughter she deserves to have, but you don't always get the right people in your family.

I would also consider a Christmas Eve celebration with just part of the family, maybe to allow the grandkids to do something special since it sounds like the problem daughter doesn't have any.

I also like the public occasion idea, but if your fiancee is not up to it (my friend could not go out when he was undergoing treatment) then that's not really an option.

My uncle's own sister had to be banned from his funeral because she nearly pulled over the casket with her histrionics at the viewing. Sometimes you just can't have them all around.

Ew. Tell her she is not invited. She stresses out her sick mother too much, and you do not want that this Christmas. She is way old enough to be able to understand that her actions have consequences.

D.,
This is not a rant. it's just really short and truncated because I have an infant son who is going to wake really soon.

Stop looking for perfection. Look to have 2 hours, maybe 3, where the family is together and agreed not to argue.

Get to Al-Anon. Get as many family members to at least one meeting, preferably 6-8 as close together. Nearly impossible? What would you do for this Christmas?

Hire an outside person to be a referee. No, really. Not kidding. Or invite a family friend who is respected by all sides. Maybe a parish pastor? Someone who will step in to say - hey, this doesn't belong here. Leave it for tomorrow. Today is a memory-making day. Someone to defuse a situation before it gets out of hand. someone neutral.

Also, forestall any efforts at raising voices by having EVERYONE go down to a whisper at the first sign of trouble (a voice rising very slowly is usually it!) Any loudness on one person's part will immediately be noticeable. Whether they can return to themselves to respond appropriately is a different matter.

What you are dealing with is DRY DRUNK. Drunk without the benefit or excuse of alcohol. problem still there, but unmedicated with beverage of choice. And truly, alcohol or drugs become MEDICINE to the person using them to escape PAIN. And she obviously has a lot. it is not her FAULT - but it is viewed that way. it is her pain, and her lack of understanding of how to deal with it appropriately that gets her in trouble. Blame is not to be put on her, but WORK is required on both sides to make life manageable.

Acknowledge her statements briefly, without emotion, and with understanding. One minute at a time you are trying to get through this holiday to make a memory for YOU and YOUR FAMILY, not just your fiancé. One minute at a time SHE is trying to make it through without a drink.

I can't tell you to marry the girl, and her sister can't rule your life.

Stop striving for VERY NICE and settle for some work. Because living with alcoholism in the family IS WORK and it is work for the whole family. The person doesn't choose alcoholism, and you don't choose family. Well, when you get married you do. ; )

Good luck! And I hope some of this resonates with you. But really, get to a meeting. And don't do something silly like try to get to one far away from where you live. Because EVERYONE ELSE DOES THAT FIRST, and they're all anonymous anyway.

M.

I would ask her not to come better yet say mom not up to it and get on a plane somewhere alone enjoy as you know life is to short put her in her place she is not a kid dont let her in ask rest of family for help

My only thought is to have staggered visits. It sounds like, realistically, you're not going to get a "one big happy family" moment this year, but if you can see the daughter who's troubled for a short period of time, away from her siblings, that might make it easier. If possible, you might want to schedule a winter walk with her -- sometimes the pressure of being in public makes people less prone to act out.

I haven't read all the responses below, but the "dry drunk" thing makes sense.

Another thought is to take all your kindness and warmth and direct it toward helping people recover after this one troubled daughter leaves -- it sounds like she's just not at a moment where she can appreciate that in the spirit in which it's intended.

Take care, and Happy Holidays. Whatever happens, it will be much better than it would have been otherwise, thanks to your good efforts.

Mira

It sounds like your fiance's daughter is mentally ill. Setting boundaries is therefore going to be really tough, since you are not dealing with a rational person who will see and understand those boundaries. I understand your fiance's desire to have everyone together with no drama, but it sounds like that is not possible. I love the idea of separate events in public if possible, if not at home. You have Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day to chose from. I can understand if you fiance's heart is breaking, having a mentally ill child must be devistating. But wishing is not going to make it any better, so set up a realisitic plan that protects her as best you can.