Wats Wrong with Me

If he let you be homeless AND cheated, LEAVE. There is no correction to be made to my statement, there is no defending him. He does not love you.

Good Morning B., There is some truth to what all the mom's have told you, I'm not going you tell you to leave him, but what I am going to tell you, is stop playing wife until you area wife, I don't understand why young women let a man touch them, and have sex with them, with out a marriage and call it love. Or why a woman believe a man can love you without respecting you. A man is showing disrespect every time he sleeps with a woman who is not his wife. Tell him if you love me, you'll marry me, if he does not want to marry you, you have your answer. You both are living imorally before your daughters, what kind of example do you want to set for your girls. You called him your fiance, a fiance is not someone you already have a family with, it's someone who is courting you, someone who put a ring on your finger, it's someone who is sitting down and planning a wedding and a life with you. I may sound old fashion, but there is no security in having a family with a man who's not your husband, and now he may be a family with yet another woman who is not his wife. Sweetie if this is love to you, you need to sit down with your mother or grandmother, or someone who is in a real love family relationship. Sorry if I came across judgemental, but if my daughter was in this situation this is what I would tell her, and more. My husband and I raised our daughter to not let no man touch her til her wedding night, If he trully loves and respects her he will wait. J. L.

B., you sound like a woman who grew up in a pretty difficult family situation, and you just don't know what "normal" looks like. Perhaps you were neglected and abused by parents who also didn't know what "normal" looks like.

Please look into local family and mental health services. Make a commitment to take care of yourself, or you will pass the same need for drama and chaos on to your beautiful children.

Even if you choose to stay with this man, and I can't see how that will possibly work, learn how to take care of yourself. Take care not to have more babies until you can do some healing and growing up. You have some choice in breaking the cycle so your children have a better chance at finding healthy relationships as they grow up.

i know what your going through. I am 38 years old now with three beautiful kids and an amazing, loving, hard-working, supportive husband. But once-upon-a-time, I was a young, scared, naive young woman who was blinded by love. My first husband who I married at 18 cheated on me as well with a nurse at his job in a hospital. I was so in love with him, I could not and would not see his faults. He kept apologizing and makin it up to me and wining and dining me and I just kept falling for it only to turn around and do the same thing over and over again. I became pregnant with his baby at the age of 21 and I voluntarily behind his back had an abortion without his knowledge or consent. I felt i had to since he would not change and started physically abusing me even when I was preggars with his baby. Somehow, someway, I found the strength to leave him one day. I packed up and moved on. It hurt like hell but it was the best thing I ever did. It allowed me to open new doors to opportunities I didn't even know existed until I gave myself a chance to see what was out there besides him and man did i discover an awesome world!! I don't regret what I did not havin his baby cuz he would have left me a single mama anyway. My second husband I married after i graduated college with my undergrad at the age of 28. He loved me as it should be from the very beginning and he is loyal and faithful to his children and wife in every sense of the word. He is completely opposite of what i had in my first husband and that's NOT a coincidence. I looked for a different guy, one that cared more for me than i did for him at least at first. No dumb love-at-first-sight. We were friends for a year before becoming initimate and dating 5 years before marrying and our love and marriage are as solid as a rock. I thank God every day for the chance to escape that horrible, dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship i had with my first hub! My second hubby and i welcomed our first baby when I was 30 and he was 31. We are over the moon with three beautiful babies now who he takes care of very well. I haven't worked outside our home for 8 years now thanks to him wanting to keep me home with our little ones. I don't know if u can trust your man again. Sometimes they have to loose something really precious to realize what they really had ya know? Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute your close your hand ans squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some it it but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect, trust and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost
Kaleel Jamison

Your title says it all!
"Whats wrong with me?"
You're settling for a relationship that isn't meeting you or your children's needs. Nor is it meeting his needs or he wouldn't be stepping out on you.
Find the strength to move on in life, forgive sure, but don't stay.

I know this is hard, you have invested so much time with him and have 2 children with him. I was in a bad relationship when I was younger and kept asking what was wrong with me that I couldn't get him to make me a priority. But loving friends kept telling me over and over it wasn't me, it was him. I felt like leaving him was abandoning him. And he was angry when I told him that I needed to step away - he told me he was going to cause me more trouble than I had ever seen if I ever tried to talk to him again. But then he had his friends try to reach me, check in with me, etc. I used the time I no longer needed to deal with him to open myself up to something better, went on a couple dates, and met my wonderful husband. But I couldn't have done that without realizing it wasn't me - it was him who was troubled. And yes, he tried to get back with me, asked me to break up with my future husband, sent me a dozen roses for my birthday a month before my wedding, begged me to see him (alone) and I told him only if my fiancee could join us, etc. If I hadn't decided to put myself first, maybe I would have gone back to him and said "oh, he wants me," but that would have been to make him happy, not me. What made me happy was staying with my future husband. All of us are basically saying the same thing: put yourself and your babies, first, Mama, and all other good things will follow. You aren't being selfish, you are respecting yourself by making you and your girls #1.

Get out of this troubled relationship, it's not something you want your daughters to grow up around. Like the other moms suggested, seek help so that you can be there for your family and be able to support them on your own.

Lots of great resources out there, especially for single moms.

From the point of view of fixing or continuing this relationship, unless this was a one night stand, then the real problem with the cheating is not the physical act of sex. It’s the continuous pattern of lying that is the largest barrier for the two of you to get over. Many people look at cheating as if it is one act, when in fact it’s usually hundreds of acts of betrayal. How many times a day did he lie to you about this in some way? Every time he thought of her, talked to her, spent time with her, while not telling you about it is in every way a lie. Conservatively let’s say he only did this 10 times a day for a month. That’s at least 300 lies. Now think about someone else in your life, if they lied to you 300 times could you just forgive and more importantly forget? With someone like that you would have to reconstruct your entire relationship from the ground up in order to build any trust with that person and form a significant relationship with them. If you think he is willing to go that far and you had a therapist who was willing to work with your lack of funds, then you might give it a go.

When it was just him and you, you could go along with what ever he was doing. But now you have 2 daughters and they need you to step up and be there for them and raise them. They didn't ask to be born. They are a gift given to you to love and care for. It would be nice if their father realized this, too, but since he isn't - you need to be the parent and that means being more responsible than allowing yourself to remain in a dysfunctional relationship. Realize your feelings for him are one sided. Loving you means not having sex with other women (never assume he's only cheating with one - it's a pretty good bet it's more than one - this may be the only other one that's currently pregnant). You deserve better than him. Leave him to his other women. Make sure you file for child support from him. Get some public assistance to help you while you get on your feet, get an education and a job so you can look after your family. Men would only be a distraction right now. When you get to the point where you don't need a man and you are self sufficient, the perfect man will arrive who will appreciate your strength and self respect and will be the right partner for you. Pull yourself together and good luck.

Hi B., I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through almost the same thing. As much as I would love to tell you that this is a 1time thing, I need to tell you that you need to find out more information about the relationship between him and this other woman. If it was a 1time only "oops" that may be ok to forgive, but if he had a relationship or if this has happened more than once; then you need to say goodbye. I forgave and forgave and finally ended up calling it quits but not before having to have surgery for a disease he gave me. I was fortunate that this was curable but I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't gotten out then. I can't tell you how many times I heard the "it won't happen again" promise and to be honest my heart aches for where you are now. It is hard to consider leaving, it is harder to actually leave, but if he did it once he _will do it again. Please Please understand I am not being negative, but I am sharing my experience and wish you nothing but well. I had 2 boys when I left that relationship and I know just what questions went through my mind, so can only imagine what emotions, questions, and answers are going through yours. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk, have questions, or just need a shoulder. I know you don't know me but I am here if you need me.Best wishes, a big hug, and God bless.
A.

Girl you have got to let him go. You are a magnificent woman with a world of potential within you. Life is meant to be so much more beautiful than you are allowing it to be. This is coming from someone who has been to Hell and back. I found heaven within myself, not in anyone else. There many resources available to single mothers, you don't need to rely on a man is isn't committed to you and your daughters.

This is a great pain that no heart should bear- to love some one and have them betray you so badly. With being homeless, (which is also a betrayal, for in the Bible the husband is commanded to 'lay down his life for his wife the way Christ layed down his life for the church' (beleivers). and then to betray his 'promise' to be faithful only to you - by sleeping with someone else. I know you are not married yet, but you get the picture of what God expects from a husband. He expects him to lay aside his own life, desires, wants and needs, to fulfill his calling to God and to his wife.

More instruction from God is for fathers to "bring up thier children in the instruction of the Lord". it is no minor matter.
This man is failing in EVERY area. If you go ahead with a marriage, it would be a house built upon sand.

I hope you will think hard about this, and just wait. You know, the Lord your God can be your husband. He can comfort, he can be your joy, and he can answer prayers. Seek him. Look for a church and start attending, alone if need be. Find people who will support you through this hard time. Ask them to pray for you and for him. I would not marry him unless he finds the Lord and get's his priorities straight, which would be getting his life out of the pit of hell.

Wow, well I would have to say that I would have to leave him. I think that the foundation of long term relationships is security and trust. Once either of those are broken, in my opinion, the whole relationship is broken. Especially since there's a possibility you're going to have a constant reminder (the baby) of what he did. One of the greatest thing about being married is the comfortableness and stability. If you don't have that, then the marriage is going to be rough.

Take your girls and run. If you have no family, go to a shelter. This is not a healthy situation for you or your children. It will be extremely difficult, but you will get back on your feet.

B., my heart goes out to you. You are a very strong person.
I know that good people make mistakes. He confessed to you instead of continuing to keep it from you and have you find out a different way. However, if he let you and your kids continue to be homeless for that long to spite you (that is what I get from your comment) that is a sign he puts himself before you.
YOu have to look inside yourself for the answer. If you trust him not to do it again, give him another chance. MOST men don't change, but some honestly do make a one time mistake.
I think you do need help. Christian counseling or something. talk to a preacher.
Good luck to you.

If someone REALLY loves you, then they don't cheat!!

I am going to talk to you like your mother (I am a seasoned mom and have grown children and new grand babies) . . . It sounds like you need your mom. Get in touch with your family. Head home if you can and put your life together. Now that's positive! You have 2 beautiful girls to think about. I may sound tough, but you have a huge responsibility. They are the most important people in your life, not him. Think about it.

B.,
Youve had alot of responses, but i just wanted to give you some support. You already have the love of your life (your daughters). Do what is best for them. Take the advice of some of the women and get some gov. help (plenty out there for single mom's). Housing, food, job placement. You need to be strong and get out of this relationship. You don't only have to live not knowing if he will do it again but if the other girl is prego. you will have to deal with her too. (talk about too much drama) been there done that and would never ever do that again.

You sound like a strong person. You've gone through alot. You really don't need someone to keep you down. There was no reason for you and your daughters to be homeless. He sounds like he is selfish. He only cares about his needs.

I know it is easier said then done, but I do hope you find the strength and get out of this relationship. Your daughters need you. You deserve more, you deserve to be happy. Your girls deserve to be happy!!

Good luck and if you need someone to talk to you could email me anytime. I am a good listener. Maybe not a good speller but good listener.

If you were homeless for 18 months, where were your children during this time? You don't mention anything about that. Do you need this man for financial support to keep your childen off of the street?

It sounds to me as if your cheating husband is just one of your problems and that what you really need to do is focus on yourself and getting your life in a place where you can take care of your kids. If he is cheating, let him go. Sounds like he doesn't do much to protect your family anyway, another woman or not. Focus on being a good mother, not on this man. Your kids need you more than he does.

I don't know your whole situation so it's hard say
but from what you've said on here it sounds like
the guy doesn't really handle things very well. If
you guys have already been through hell in
the three short years you've been together and
now he's cheating on you it doesn't seem like
your future will be that great either. I would really consider
my future and if this is the type of life I want for me
and my children or if I think I deserve better.

Updated

from what you've said on here it sounds like
the guy doesn't really handle things very well. If
you guys have already been through hell in
the three short years you've been together and
now he's cheating on you it doesn't seem like
your future will be that great either. I would really consider
my future and if this is the type of life I want for me
and my children or if I think I deserve better. So I would
definitely leave you deserve better!! Nothing is wrong
with you you Just picked the wrong man and need to use
better judgement in the future.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Get some help. Certainly there are shelters that can help you. Work on your education. That will instill confidence and help you and your two daughters.

Remember, NO MAN can make a woman....only YOU can do that for yourself and your children.