Was It Harder to Let Go with Your Last Child?

I raised two stepkids who are now 29 and 27. And I have a 9 year-old daughter. I have been much more aware of every age and stage with my daughter. I have felt sad at some endings, but each new age has also been more fun in other ways. I am glad that I am so aware how fast time goes and they grow up, from watching the first grow up and move away. I appreciate everything about my daughter.

BTW - there is no rush to move her into her crib. And it is OK to hold her all the time. She's only a month old!

Maybe I'm just not the standard mom :) I found letting go much easier with my last child. My youngest was sleeping in her own room almost 2 months earlier than my oldest was She was moved out of a crib earlier. I guess I just wasn't as protective either because I'd been through the process before. My second is definitely more rambuctious than my first and she is a daredevel to say the least. I find my self not really worrying about it as much. I do get sad sometimes because I know she is my last and she's growing up much faster than I would like so I do have to stop and give her a few extra long hugs.

Why do you have to let go? She's only a month old. Enjoy it! Keep her in the bassinet in your room if you want to. Hold her all the time if you want to. Those things are GOOD for her!!

It doesn't matter if she doesn't receive the exact same treatment as the last child.

I don't think it's a "deeper" bond, and you don't need to put labels on it anyway. You love your children! You're in love with your baby! As long as you keep on giving your oldest child enough attention, go ahead and follow your heart with your little one.

Have fun. They grow too fast.

Probably not to the extent that you seem to be experiencing it, but yes. With our first, I was much more excited for him to do new things and "grow up". I was ready for him to be walking and running and talking when he was only 3 months old (or so I thought, lol). I just was in a hurry to see him grow and change.

With our 2nd, I knew she would be our last (or at least that was and is our plan) and it was a little sad to see her hit some of the milestones because I knew I wouldn't have a newborn again. I knew I wouldn't have paci's to pick up ever again. I knew there would be no more rocking in the rocking chair when she was done. Etc.

With the first is it all about the anticipation of what is to come and please hurry up and get here. With the "last" it was more about savoring all the sweet moments before they are gone, because I realized how fleeting they are.
It isn't just you.

Well, I didn't 'cry buckets' but, yes, I was very keenly aware of 'this'll be the last time I see a first step, or that look on their face first time they eat solid food, or first day of preschool, or this year, first day of HIGH SCHOOL'.

So I tried to savor it. I was NEVER looking towards the next stage of development like I did with the first one. Or even the second one (both boys).

Things is, she's FANTASTIC, at almost 15, and I'm enjoying her every milestone as much as I'm sad that it'll be the last time I go through this milestone.

So yeah, I hear ya. It's sad, but it's progress too, you know? When she graduates in three years and goes off to college, it will be the MOTHER of all paychecks! Full circle.

You can do what I do and just get a new puppy every five years or so!

:)

Ditto to everything Theresa said, except mine are 14 and 10. I was a little weepier with #2 but I tried to relish every minute. It also taught me to not sweat the small stuff. When they were babies, with #1 when she would cry I was very attentive. With #2 by the time I had a minute to tend to her tears she had already stopped crying...bonus!

After reading your actual post, I guess I'm in a different boat all together.
My first baby is now 25 and has a child of her own.
My second, and obviously last child, is 16 years old.
I think God knew what he was doing by giving me kids so far apart. It was really hard on me when my daughter moved out on her own because I wasn't ready not to have a kid in the house. Now that my son is 16, it seems weird to think of him going out in the world and not having a kid at home. I think in that regard, I really treasure our time together.

I've done a good job as a mother. I've raised two amazing kids. And I do believe the saying that there are two things we give our kids, one is roots and the other is wings.

I had to have a hysterectomy when my son was a year old. I did go through a period of being sad that I couldn't have more children. However, I was told from the time I was a teenager that I would NEVER have children, and I just focused on the fact that I got two. TWO miracles. How blessed!

I do think hormones might have something to so with how you're feeling on top of the realization you won't have more kids. Your baby is only a month old. She's so new. Treasure every day and moment and know that it IS hard to see our children grow, but it's also very rewarding. I remember with both of my babies feeling like I never wanted them to get bigger, I wanted them to stay new and precious. But then comes the first true giggle and the first time they kiss you back and the first time they say Mama.
It's all a glorious transition after another.

It facinates me how much babies change and grow in the first year.
They are such awesome little creatures.

Hang in there. You have so many wonderful things ahead.
And yes....when you get to my age, letting go of the second is harder.

Best wishes and congratulations on your baby.

hee!
i'm sorry, i'm not really laughing at you, but with my younger turning 21 in 2 days, i assumed this was about an empty nest!
stop crying, poor hormonal mama. you're still flooded with post-partum angst. keep the baby in your room for a while longer (or do a family bed!)
it'll be okay!
:) khairete
S.

YES! My youngest will turn 5 in three months and I've been having mini panic attacks recently about him going to kindergarten next fall. He goes to preschool now 1/2 days, and we have so much fun together each afternoon. I am going to miss our time, but I know I have to let go. It's hard because he's my "baby".

With my daughter, she was just so darn independent and ready for everything. She was easy to transition at almost every stage of development. (hopefully easy into the teens - my fingers are crossed) My son still loves for me to be involved with everything, and I think that is part of what makes it harder for me. Also, realizing that this is the last time I will go through all of these stages with my child (as I'm done with having more kids), it is even more final. I want to keep him little forever!

The clothes thing is ridiculous too - I am having to start dressing him more like a boy and less like a sweet baby. And I hate boy clothes - why do they have to look like skater boys or mini-executives???? UGH! My husband told me that the cute appliquéd shirts and shorts will have to go or he'll be teased next year at school. I'm dying a slow death here.

Everything with my son was done MUCH slower than with my daughter. Bassinet to crib, crib to bed, etc... I guess I'm holding onto that "baby" as long as I can.

Don't have any suggestions to offer, and I don't think it's that you have a deeper bond - it's just that you subliminally know that these "times" are limited. You are not alone in your feelings. I think we're normal! for feeling this way?!?! ;)

Hi, K.:

I would suggest getting some professional help.
All the best.
D.

For me, by the time my 2nd came (3 years later) I was much more relaxed and able to enjoy it more, even though it was a stressful time in my life. Therefore I didn't push him quite as hard to do new things.

To this day it's hard for me to let my youngest "grow up" the way I did my first. He's 14 now, and it doesn't feel the same as when my oldest was 14.

I'm very bonded with both . . . it's just part of the whole birth order thing, imho.

I am much more like AriaMom. My boys are 7 and 14, and I have not wanted to keep him little. He's done many things sooner than my oldest did, probably because he has a much older brother around to help him along.

I do get a little sad occassionally when I think about how quickly time goes by, but I get more emotional when I think about my oldest entering high school next year, and how soon he will be leaving for college.

The important thing is that it doesn't matter how all of us experience things; you have a right to your emotions. I doubt you have a deeper bond with your second child, especially so soon. You may be experiencing hormonal issues, or maybe not. Either way, allow yourself to feel the way you do, and do whatever you want concerning moving her into her crib. There's no rule about when you have to move her (unless she's growing out of the bassinet).

Congratulations on your new baby!

You know K., it's weird but I have seen this a lot with second-time moms! I only have one so I don't have firsthand experience, but what you are describing seems common.

Here's my theory, based on my own experience: I was a nervous new mom, as most of us are. Bringing home your first baby changes your life more significantly than perhaps anything ever before has, or after. There is so much to learn, to worry about, to adjust to, to be amazed by. In some ways for me, this "shell-shock" partly blocked me from enjoying the first few months as much as I could have, relaxing and really listening to my maternal instincts. (I'm not sure it could have or should have been any different, and I'm not saying that I wasn't maternal, I was just insecure about it.)

I often wonder if a second child would be easier because I would be so much more relaxed and confident. Although my friends are quick to remind me that you are so tired and overwhelmed trying to care for a toddler and a baby, that this is a fantasy! But to some extent I think I would be much less nervous and plus all one's prior experience as a mom, one is less prone to just do what people say you are supposed to do. When you are a first-time mom and feel like you have no idea what you're doing, you don't question what the doctors tell you. I had every intention of keeping my son in a bassinet and never occurred to me that he'd sleep with me (in my prenatal class this was clearly a big no-no!) If things had gone differently he surely would've been a crib-baby.

Now that I've already had the experience of being a mom, I can confidently say that I wouldn't dream of ever letting a vulnerable little newborn sleep alone, out of my sight, who wants nothing but the security and nurturing of his mother whenever he/she is awake. How could it possibly be natural for a baby this young to be all alone? They want skin to skin contact, want to smell you, want your warmth and the sound of your voice. Trust me, the more of this they get, the more secure and happy they are when they are older. I think all women know this truth on an instinctive level. But our society (ALL societies) teach us to do and accept counter-intuitive things. For us, we live in a society of convenience....and it is inconvenient, on some levels, to have a child dependent upon its parents for sleep.

I know that if I ever had another baby (probably won't happen, but...) I would surely try to right everything I had done wrong with my son. He used to cry and cry and wanted to be held ALL the time, mostly by me. I struggled with this. For the first few months after he was born, in was in alot of pain from the birth and i was over-working myself, so I took a long time to heal. This made it painful for me to carry him around all the time. I still did carry, hold, and touch him constantly, but I resented it sometimes and would get frustrated. I was exhausted. I felt sorry for myself. Babies pick up on that! O well - I wasn't perfect! But if I had another baby with the same temprament, I would accept his/her need without the resentment, and make more of a "baby-wearing" effort. I imagine that we'd both be happier. That is just one example of what I mean.

I think you are just instinctively wanting to be as nurturing and connected as possible to your new baby (congrats, btw!!!) because this is the most natural, harmonious way to be. Stop fighting your instincts, do what feels right for you and your child! Don't let guilt cloud your intuition. All children have different sets of needs and also motherhood is always a little different each time around. There is no need to let go!!!!! Hold her as closely and as long as you want to, your love will not hurt her, only benefit her in every way. I wish you the best of luck!!!!

hormones! Yes!

I'm on the other end: I'm rejoicing that we're moving forward & letting go. My sons are 15 & 24. My older son moved out to attend college, came back major surgery, & now is preparing to go back to school. Hooray! About danged time. Can I help you pack, Son? LOL

His room was transformed into my craft/scrapbook room the weekend he left. (I knew that if/when he moved back in, he would use the guest room which has a private bath.)

My younger son is reaching benchmark, after benchmark. Today is a road rally which we've been going to for years. Earlier this week, I realized that this would be the last time I drive to the event! Next year, my son will go with friends & he'll be doing the driving. Yippee!

None of this bothers me. I love that they are growing, reaching, & moving on. I love that they have plans for their futures. I love that some part of my parenting is working......& that I've been able to raise confident sons. :)

I only have one child so I have to honestly say no, I have not experienced this myself, but I would suspect some of it at least is your hormones being all wonky right now. You could even have some degree of PPD. My husband has 2 boys from his first marriage and I know from talking with his ex that she had different approach and attitude with the second vs. the first, but part of that could have been son #2 was born 3 weeks early and was very tiny (but healthy!), so she felt more protective toward him. He was also more "high needs" compared to his brother, colicky, emotional, etc. so I don't how how much of that was his personality that he was born with and how much was his mother tending to coddle him more. Even as they got older, she always referred to him as "her baby" (and he was only 13 months younger than his older brother!). And the thing is, they weren't necessarily done having kids so he could have ended up being the middle child if they had had more kids and had not gotten divorced. Now the boys are 17 and 18 and she is having a hard time letting BOTH of them go!

I would say that what you are experiencing is very normal, but don't let it affect you to such a degree that you hinder your younger child's development or hold her back in any way. If you feel that it is really difficult for you to do and allow "normal" things, then maybe you should talk to your doctor about the possibility of PPD or something else.

I have two daughters, the oldest is 2 and my youngest is 7 months. I cried too thinking of putting the baby in her crib, I loved having her near me and being able to cuddle with her the second she needed me. My oldest is very independent and has moved on to being a daddy's girl, she still needs me just not as much. Your bond with each will be different and catered to each. They are so small but love so big. I feel like with my youngest I am just as hormonal as I was with the first but her needs and personality are different so my reactions are different. We aren't sure if she will be the last but seeing her grow makes me just as sad to see the milestones come and go. My mom asked me the other day if I was willing to give away some of her baby clothes to a family friend and I felt kind of bad cause I snapped and said she's still a baby i'm not ready,lol. She's now in 9 month clothes but i'm holding on to her newborn stuff cause yes I admit it i'm not ready to let go. Just hang in there momma you'll get through this, it does get easier as the hormones fade. Congrats!!!!!!!

I thought this was about going to college and I was going to say it got easier since the first handled it so well. Bassinet, clothes, never was an issue with the last who wasn't the last or the last who was.

The most I remember was every now and then noticing the were growing fast.