Wanting to Move

I am divorced/remarried. I divorced with one child and if I had life to do all over again I would AVOID divorce in every way I possibly could. It is awful!

You say that you feel trapped now, wait till you get divorced and end up with a clause that says you cannot move out of a specific school district/city/county etc. My decree says I cannot move outside of Dallas County.

Lessons I have learned - Marriage is an active choice it is NOT just the wedding. It's an active choice. Everyday you wake up and decide that you want to be married to your spouse. AND everyday, you make active choices to make it a good marriage or a bad one.

Some days it's easy - some days not so much! It's a commitment though. You committed to being married to your husband, and you committed to raising your children together. Whoever said "children bounce back - or children are resiliant" when it comes to divorce wasn't a child. Divorce is hell on children.

I know that you and your husband are "unhappy" in your marriage right now. It will pass and greater good will come from it. Without sorrow you can not appreciate joy.

This next statment is probably going to make me very unpopular - but here it goes.... You gave up the right to make choices based solely on yourself the moment you got pregnant. Now it's about the kids.

My suggestion: you send the kids to grandma's for the weekend and you sit down with your husband and tell him. "I married you because I love you. I am not feeling that so much anymore. That is not acceptable to me. I want to love you so much, I can't help but smile everytime I think about you. I want to fall so deeply in love that I tingle all the way to my toes when you look at me. We were there once before - let's get there again. We are worth it and our kids are worth it."

My prayers are with you!

Well I 3rd that on not throwing the towel in. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy. My husband and I once thought about divorce and it was the hardest thing for us to even think about. We went to counseling, we had a weekend to ourselves without the kids, and then we both went to therapy by ourselves. I have to say, therapy really helped for me. I was able to bring out things in me that had a big impact on my marriage. I've learned to honor my vows and realize that it's not going to be easy, and we're going to have rough times. But I'd rather go through those rough times with him rather than do it alone.

My heart goes out to you and just hang in there.

YOU can move anywhere you want to, but the kids stay where they are now. If you can't possibly imagine moving away without your kids, then how do you expect your husband to imagine being without the kids?

Divorce sucks, divorce with kids is truly horrible. You need some support... friends, church, activities, etc, etc. I love my family dearly, but when I got divorced, I didn't move back home. I knew I was the one who had made the mistake, it was my responsibility to get through it. My family supported me every step of the way, but they did it from 300 miles away and I am STRONGER now for it.

For the sake of your kids, save your marriage. If you don't... for the sake of your kids, PLEASE don't move them away from their daddy!!!

You are in a situation that has no easy solutions whatsoever. You will likely not be happy with what I have to say, either. The moment you become a mother, your needs take a back seat to those babies. Not to say you don't take care of yourself physically and spiritually, but moving those children away from their father will do nothing but alienate him, regardless of the visitation arrangement (which, BTW, always looks good on paper but never works in practice.) What happens when your children have school programs or scout camp or other important things--their dad should be there to share in it. My only suggestion to you is, if you are determined to end the marriage and you have truly sought all the help you can (trying a different counselor, marriage retreat, etc)work on building relationships here so you can have a strong support system in place here. You will need it, no doubt. There are many area churches with divorce recovery/single parent groups where you will find a lot of love and support. Your family in KS can come visit, and you can visit them, but they are not a substitute for their father's regular interaction and love. Finally, just pray for wisdom, and listen to what the Lord has to say. God doesn't condemn divorce because He doesn't want us to be happy...sometimes the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

M., M., darling;
Once you have children, YOU are not the-star-of-the-show any longer. Every choice you make must be in the very best interest of the children. These choices will effect them the rest of their lives. Our children learn from our deeds and actions. Look to your maker for advise and you will be guided through this difficult time of life.

M., your kids need their dad. While you might eventually find another man for you, they will always miss their dad. You need to reach deep down and find in you the courage to fight to save your marriage and your family. You can do it. Yes, you can.

Give it time. That's the last thing you want to hear I know. But when I was pregnant I had a whole different mind set. Let everything get back to normal and keep your head here for now. I'm not saying stay forever or go now, just wait for now.God Bless. B.

Texas courts like many other courts have gone to a shared custody situation. They take the stand of the best interest of the child. They can restrict you to live within a 100 miles of your spouse so that it ensures that a shared custody situation can be reached. There is a standard visitation rule in Texas that allows the non custodial spouse more than just every other weekend. If you were to leave before the case were filed just to try to circumvent the ruling then you could end up loosing custody and the children could be awarded to your spouse as the primary custodian. The rules have become more and more enforced on this issue to ensure that the children have a relationship with both parents. Willingness to pay is a small consideration. You can petition to move if it is a fair and reasonable request for employment but you have to show that you are not able to get equal employment in the Texas area. Having family support is not a considering factor for a move.

M.,

My advice is not regarding any laws but strictly from my experience as a divorce child. My parents seperated when I was 5 and they lived in the same area for many years. We lived with our dad but my mom could have us anytime she wanted. Slowly over the years my mother moved further away and we saw her less and less. I am not close to my mom as an adult and have struggled with why but it basically comes down to not seeig her. My brother and I also both went in lived with our mom when we hit teenagers because we felt we never saw her. I went back after a year but my brother stayed.

My husband and I had trouble for over a year and really didn't think we would make it but we did and our relationship is now stronger. But when I thought I would leave, I knew I would not go back to Kentucky because I believe kids need both parents and I missed out on that. It would bother me that my mom was not at games, dances, prom, etc. to see me.

M.,
I understand your feelings. I was single for several years and I've now been remarried for over eight years. To keep it short and simple, this marriage is in trouble too. I have been staying for the kids and it is not always the "right" thing to do. Yes, I know..."the grass is always greener".
Some don't understand that two people can be so wrong for each other and you all, including the children, end up miserable. How dare so many tell you that you have to stay. I even saw one post chastise you for a comment that she misread.
I would agree that you need to "get your ducks in a row". Perhaps, try a separation here locally. Responders are correct in that Texas will not let you finalize a divorce while you're pregnant. Do you not believe he would help you if you stayed? If he just lets you leave the state, then most would have to question his devotion to his children. If he isn't happy, he might be relieved that you begin the divorce process.
Financially, it could be very tough being single with three children. Daycare is expensive. Take some time to prepare and stay calm.
If you want, email me and I'll be open minded.

Good Luck!

Wow! I am completely appauled by the number of moms on here who have said...'Stay together for the kids', that is just not right. If you saty with your husband for another 18 miserable years since you are both unhappy that is the MOST unhealthly thing for your kids. You did not give a lot of information as to the problems with the marriage. So an objective opinion if hard to give. I am the youngest of 3 girls all of which have divorced and remarried, I am the only one who did not have kids involved. The other 2 did, and WITH the support of family CLOSE BY THEM, it helped those kids stay surrounded by loving caring people. The fathers were still involved with the kids. The kids have turned out pretty darn good. Going on to be stoing parents themselves. But you have to ask...How would they have been if the bio parents stayed together.
The constraints of divorce are and can be very hard to adjust to, but if you and your husband 100% agree on it, and if you talk with him and make him understand how hard it wuold be for you to remain here with out family and there are not problems then move back home. Word of advice....Stress to all of those involved to NEVER talk bad about the dad, it will be hard for the kids especailly when they get into school. If you maust stay put in texas until after the divorce is final maybe you can work it out with your husband where you stay in the family home, and he goes to an apartment, but is still able to visit the kids. Also I am sure the attorney has told yo in Texas you can not file until the baby is born. So why not live seperately until then? You may be surprised, this may help. I know it will be expensive maintaining 2 household, but it might changes things with all parties.
you need to be strong for your kids, if you leave their dad you are not be selfish, you are doing what needs to be done for them to have a healthy life, physically, mentally, and emotionally!
Good luck ~ keep me posted

First of all, I will NOT tell you whether you should try to save your marriage or not. Only you know how much work you both have put into it and what the true state of your marriage is. NO ONE ON THIS FORUM KNOWS THIS BETTER THAN YOU. If you feel that divorce is the way to go, please contact Fathers For Equal Rights for legal advice before you spend too much money on an attorney. They serve both mothers AND fathers. One of you can join (not expensive), and you both can use their services. They will explain the process, any legal forms as they come up; they will offer mediation and low-cost attorneys for both of you if necessary. They will tell you when a restriction in a paper is bogus or not, and they will let you fill out and file paperwork yourself (with their guidance) thereby saving you literally thousands of dollars. This group was formed and is supported by attorneys who have gone through this themselves and want to help people through the nightmare. Hope things work out well for all of you--it can: I've been through hell because of my husband's divorce from his first wife, and now the three of us and all the kids are best friends.

Love to you!

You could try a different counselor. Every counselor has a different approach. If you do decide to divorce maybe you could find a local support group to help you. Also, maybe friends or family member could come visit and take turns staying with you for a few days at a time for a month or so. Have you talked to your husband about your desire to move back to Kansas? This will be a very hard time for your children as well and a move in addition to everything else is probably not wise. Perhaps personal counseling would be something to consider as well. Good luck and I hope your family can work it out.

M.,

I haven't heard anyone say this yet, but I hear it in the tone of your request. Feel free to be mad at me, but I feel I must point this out.

You said, "The problem comes in because I want to move back home to Kansas where all of my family is." I know it's hard to be away from extended family, but maybe you are creating more of a problem here than you believe. My vows said that I should leave my mother and father and cleave to my husband. They also mentioned for better or for worse. To me that means that no matter how lonely I am or how much I miss my family, the most important family is my husband and my kids. How hard have you tried to really make a happy home here away from extended family? How often do you bring up that you miss KS? How many new family traditions and memories have you tried to make for TX? Home is where your heart is. Where have you chosen to put your heart?

If the biggest problem you came up with to explain your divorce is where you live, then I think your marriage can still be saved. It sounds like it's up to you.

Do you have a good church with consistent fellowship and accountability? I mean a really good one that reminds you on a regular basis that all people and places will disappoint you. If you find your security in those you will be disappointed. Make sure you are surrounded by Christ as he is the only one who will never disappoint.

I don't know much about law but I want you to know that I will be praying for you. Unless he is abusive, remember that it is important for the kids to maintain a good relationship with their father. Good luck, let us know how things are going

Hi M. - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My brother just went through something similar and was able to have his wife sign a letter authorizing him to take the children across state lines and enroll them in school prior to the divorce being final. Granted, I am no lawyer, but maybe something like that could get you back to Kansas as soon as possible. Best of luck to you and I'll pray for you and your family during this difficult time. Just remember to keep your children your top priority.

if you are interested in saving your marriage...a friend introduced me to this weekend counseling retreat that she says was an AMAZING experience and really works. it's a bit expensive, but still way cheaper than divorce and moving costs! i can get this information from my friend if you'd like to know more. i think this might even be the same retreat that saved my old business partner's marriage.

Hi M., I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I am not an attorney but I went through a divorce neary 2 years ago. Unfortunately from the limited knowledge I have about divorce you are going to have to rely on your husband to be the bigger person and allow you to move back to Kansas. In the state of TX you are not allowed to move out of the surrounding counties from the childrens father. (It was in our decree, neither of us wanted to move so we didn't contest it but from what was said I assume this is standard in TX) Also I don't know if your attorney mentioned it but I was told you can't get divorced in this state while your are pregnant they consider it bastardizing the child...their words not mine.

I would talk to your husband and tell him you would be willing to split travel costs and see what he says,otherwise you may just end up stuck here. Hopefully he will understand the importance of your children having a happy mother (and father)and of having family around.

Good luck
K. P.

M., one negative statement that you made was that you do not want your kids to see their father cause they love him so much. If you choose to take care of your feelings first, which if you do not, you might not care for your kids the same, then go to Kansas. Line your ducks in a row and make your contacts there, get a job there, do not be a ball and chain to anyone. Be independent and everyone will be happier, and deal with the the divorce later, and make the holidays happy for your children

I have been divorced with 2 kids since Dec. of 2004. From the very beginning I have never had family near by to help with the girls. We went through mediation to determine custody and visitation. My parents live in Louisiana and I would have loved to move there and start over; however
he insisted on one week with him and one with me. This kept him from paying child support and we have to split all medical and extracurricular activities cost 50/50. I had my attorney request restrictions on both of us to remain within 10 miles of the current school district because while I knew he didn't want me moving,I also knew he had plans of moving even further out, which would have made my job nearly impossible. Just be careful, I never knew my ex could be so ruthless and angry...I have to really be on guard with him, any time he is nice there is usually a reason.

If staying local means you can have full custody of your kids and child support, do it. My mediator also forced my ex to pay for all after school care for the girls. He pays a nanny to pick them up from school and I have to go get them from his house by 6 pm everyday. The summers are the most difficult. In the past I would save all my vacation time for them. I would send the girls out to LA one week and my parents (retired) would come out for about 2 weeks. Sometimes I had to beg my stay at home Mom friends to help out. This past summer my oldest (turned 13 last week) daughter stayed home with my 8 year old. We had very strict saftey rules and I did pay her for her help. Somehow we have made it.

If you do stay here, network with as many people as you can. Church, neighborhood what ever. You would be suprised how helpful people can be.

Best of luck.....

Hello M.!
Congrats on pregnancy! Therer is nothing better than a new baby! I have been married 27 years. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND! You will not be happier. Being lonely is not fun. Remarriage is no fun. You will simply get a different set of problems. "With God all things are possible." My husband and I will give you and your husband counseling for $10 a week. We will do it free if needed. We like to charge a little because people seem to care more about something when they pay for it, even a little.
"God can restore all and give you much happiness!
DO NOT GIVE UP!Give your family another chance! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call the 700 Club today! They will pray for free.
Call everyone you know and ask for prayer! Prayer helps!
PLEASE do not give up!!!!!!!!! You can be healthy , whole and happy again!!!!!!!!!!!
Please believe! It is true! I have 27 years to prove it!
I have been very unhappy and through so much! I Do understand and I CAN help!
There is help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT GIVE UP! EVery hope for your marriage can be restored!
Help is just an email away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOu can also call: ###-###-#### I will be more than happy to talk to you anythime!!!!!!THERE IS SO MUCH HOPE FOR YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE STARTING TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
C. N

I hate to hear that! But I have to say, you should probably do as your attorney is instructing you to. . .my husband is a well known attorney and has done extensive family law; if your attorney knows the courts in county where you live, he has the best advice. I know my husband knows the Collin County courts very well and can pretty much tell his clients how to dress, act and what exactly to do if they want the judge to rule in their favor. I know it's hard and this is the time when you need the support of friends and family the most, but if you have a good attorney who knows what he's doing and knows the courts in your county and you honestly in your gut trust him and feel that he really knows what he's talking about, then you should follow his instructions and things will work out as you'd like in the end; it will take time, but it will work out. The last thing you want to do is make it look like you've taken your kids away from their father - the judge in your case would really really frown on that and very well could restrict where you live. Please just hang in there and as long as you play their game, you will end up where you want to be and things will work out. It's just getting through it right now that's going to be the toughest - especially with the little ones and another little angel on the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you; stay strong and keep your chin up. You will be smiling and happy again soon!

The court is limited to what they can do and right now the policy is that you can move, but the kids stay. Your best bet for overcoming that presumption is to work on a plan with your husband to see if you all can find a workable alternative. My firm is very focused on starting that dialogue through the collaborative process and the use of neutral professionals like a parenting coordinator. Give my office a call to discuss your options further. All mamasource gals don't pay a consultation fee so you have nothing to lose to get the information. J. D.. Call Angela to set an appointment ###-###-####