Wanting Daddy More than Mommy

Updated on January 25, 2009
N.P. asks from Walpole, MA
5 answers

I can't figure this out. My daughter is obsessed with Daddy. She is now 17 months and goes to daycare fulltime during the week. I get up with her every morning and spend time with her and drop her off at daycare. I pick her up 3 times a week and my husband picks her up 2 times. My husband also goes to the gym 4 times a week after work so I am the one caring for her then. Daddy reads to her and puts her to bed at night which has been a wonderful ritual for them. I will do it 1 time a week. If my daughter gets up in the middle of the night it is my husband that would go and get her. Did this from about 6 months on once I stopped breastfeeding and since I am the one that gets up earlier in the morning with her. Of course if she is sick we both share the middle of the night awakenings as they can be often. So needless to say, we have a great system that works and we both get to spend quality time with our daughter.
This is the part I don't understand... although I am so happy that my daughter loves her daddy and gets so excited to see him, it has gotten to the point that she pushes me away. When she wakes up in the middle of the night she screams "daddy". Great I know!! Couldn't pay her enough for that one-he, he. Problem is that if I go in there she goes ballistic. Flails her arms if I pick her up, screams loader and just yells for daddy. I assumed this was because daddy was mostly the one that came in the middle of the night to get her so she is used to it but for the past few months I have made a point of doing it myself as I want her used to both of us. What if daddy is out of town, etc. I want her to be able to calm down in the middle of the night. The other night it got so bad that she actually screamed to be put down and then ran to the crib, pointed to be put in the crib and then laid down and fell asleep. It was kind of comical but made me so sad. She would rather try to fall asleep then be with her mommy if daddy isn't coming.
During the day on the weekends she is all over daddy. Sometimes pushes me away to go to Daddy. Last night was a good example. I had a horrible day and couldn’t wait to go home and hug her. When I walked in the door I did the usual “Mommies home” and went to her. She smiled but then went running to daddy.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful she loves her daddy. I know that bond is important. But it makes me sad that she wants him over me all the time. I am hoping this is something that “too shall pass” but want to know if there is a reason or she knows it effects me (makes me sad) and is testing me. If anyone has suggestions or has gone through similar experience but child is back to giving love and attention to mother again, can you let me know? I am probably over analyzing and you probably can tell I am sensitive. I am not letting it affect my relationship and go about everything as usual but inside it really hurts.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all so much. It made me feel so much better reading your responses. My friends didn't really experience this. Most of them said their child wanted mommy and not daddy so it was even harder to cope with. I think I will not try to push it either way and let her go through phase. It will still hurt at times but I should be grateful that she loves her daddy so much and that she has a daddy at all which I know some single parents that long for that.

More Answers

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K.P.

answers from Lewiston on

My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and she has always preferred me over dad. What I have found to help is for dad to spend quality time with her. We are trying to schedule at least one night a week where they are alone for the evening. I have found that if he spends even as little as 15 - 30 minutes of time where she has his undivided attention that she is much more likely to want him to do things with her. The less time he spends with her the more he gets "no mommy do it!" Maybe a little quality time is what you need with your daughter - without daddy in the house.

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M.W.

answers from Boston on

I've been told that girls that have a strong bond with their daddy grow up wonderfully and get in less trouble. My daughter is almost the same way. She totally preferred him over me but it has gotten less over time. She wouldn't even let me put her to bed or comfort her if she bumped something. Now she comes to me for certain comforts and not to him. Daddy tends to be the pushover too and I the rule maker so she knows that. Is it that way with you too? It will pass and get better trust me - I've been there and it's really getting better. Hang in there. Girls always need their mom.

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J.M.

answers from Boston on

My daughter did this when she was just a little older than your daughter. I was pregnant with my son at the time. It was awful. The logical grown up part of me would say over and over "she's not doing it to hurt your feelings, she doesn't understand, etc" but at other times I would just cry. Even though she's little it does hurt.

It has gotten better, although it did take a while. What I found was that pushing me rather than dad really backfired. So when she'd say "no, I want daddy to read me stories" and he, being supportive, would say "you're hurting mommy's feelings, let her read you stories" she would just dig in her little heels and refuse. And that actually hurt my feelings more. So I got to the point where I would just try to let it go and de-escalate.

More recently (she's now 3.5) she would demand daddy when I picked her up at daycare (which I do every day). It was such a button pusher for me. We've come up with some ways to avoid this behavior, and that makes it much better. The more she can talk the better it will get, I bet.

Hopefully this is a phase that passes quickly. I'm sorry you're going through it. But it's absolutely no reflection whatsoever on you as a mother. I maybe should add that I think that my daughter and I have a great relationship, in spite of her daddy-centeredness. Also, I now have a 15 month old son, and he seems much more attached to me, so my husband does have a little taste of how terrible it feels to be on the other end of the "no, I want..." demand. Not that I wish it on him, but I think he didn't really understand how upsetting it is until it happened to him. Good luck.

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L.W.

answers from Boston on

My son wants Daddy more than me most times. I do think it is a phase because after awhile he now switches back and forth.It is very painful, at least i thought it was/is. I attributed my sons phase that I am a stay at home Mom and Dad works. But from what I have heard from other Mom's all their kids went through it. Now my son does have moments like when he is sick that he wants only me. But the Dada times are still on the higher end...it will pass. Until then try to get something done while she is with Dad and enjoy a moment to yourself. It might not last long.

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C.D.

answers from Boston on

hi N.,
dont worry, its just a phase!! all babies do this at some point. she will switch back and forth - right now she wants daddy, but at a later time, she will want YOU, and nothing to do with HIM. at other times, she will want no one, as she becomes more independent. the rest of the time, she will want both of you the same. she doesnt know shes hurting you, shes just more interested in him right now.so dont worry, its just a phase and it will pass.

C.

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