Want to Bond with Baby

When I first read your question, I was sort of at a loss as what to say: I both wanted and felt I needed my family and all the love and support they could give, especially having been a first time mother. My delivery room was filled with all of the members of my immediate family (one set of grandparents, my parents, younger sister and my husband), and I knew that they would all be at home waiting for me when my husband and I returned home with the baby after our 3 days. I looked forward to them being there, and NOW I am so thankful they were: no matter how many books you read, how much advice your friends and family lend, or how much experience you have with other people's children, NOTHING can prepare you for what it means until you give birth to your own child. Giving birth is the easy part: learning to care for that child is SO SO much harder and more complicated than you think, and you WILL NEED the support of the women in your family to pick up the slack when you can no longer physically cope (and it happens, vaginal birth or c- section). You have yet to deliver the baby, and so you really have no idea what you are in for yet - you will want the expertise of your mother (if no one else) - and trust me, you will have much less of a hard time handing your baby off to a family member in order to eat a meal, take a shower, or even use the restroom once she is born than you think. Your body will need to heal and I doubt your husband is as comfortable or knowledgeable with newborns as your mother or mother in law. Are you prepared for some of those things that ARENT really discussed when it comes to being a new mother (painful/cracked/bleeding nipples while getting "used to" the suction of your breastfeeding newborn, engorgement, taking care of vaginal stitches, hemrroids, constipation, vaginal bleeding, if your child is getting enough milk, how to soothe them and tell by their cries what they need - along with a whole host of other things that can happen with newborns) I could go on and on and on. ANd I assure you, unless he is an OB, your husband will have even less idea of what to do than you in many of these sensitive situations.
You will bond with your new baby more deeply than any of your other family members can regardless of how much family is around, including your husband: please, do not be selfish and refuse to share the joy of a new baby with your family that has obviously been awaiting the arrival of your little girl just as much as you have. The relationship that grandparents create with their grandchildren is something special and unique to them as well, do not deny them that gift. The more people around to surround your little girl with love, the happier she will be. Your bond with her will be closer and deeper than any bond she creates with any other friends or family members - but you will realize this once you hold your precious baby in your arms. Allow your family to be around and share in the joy - and if you feel like you need alone time, tell them. They will understand - go into another room with the baby and nurse her in a quiet room with just you, yourself, and your husband. It is not rude to ask family to leave after they have been at your home for hours, but it is insensitive and rude for you to ask them not to be present for an event that means just as much to them as it does you. You will not be able to NOT hurt your families feelings, perhaps even very deeply, if you do not allow them to share in an event that they are entitled to be a part of.
I understand your need to be with your husband and child alone, but there will be years upon years upon years of alone time for the three of you - having family around in the first week will make no difference whatsoever when it comes to the bond between you, your child, and your husband.
Good luck, and congratulations on your impending arrival! if you can, try to enjoy the last weeks of your pregnancy - you may be uncomfortable, but try to relish the feeling of the baby inside of you. I missed that the most :)

Hi Kathy,
Congratulations on your upcoming arrival! My own first child was born 5 years ago and it seems like a lifetime ago... but I remember waiting anxiously for her arrival just like you are now.

First let me say, the mental place you're in right at this minute is not the same mental place you will be in once you go into labor, and life will change yet again once that baby is in your arms. At this moment, you can't predict what life will be like once your baby is born. Your baby might be a great sleeper, or she may be the sort of baby who sleeps 45 minutes at a stretch around the clock.

Believe me when I tell you, you might change your mind about not wanting people around. I do not mean to freak you out, but it's possible you will be in a good amount of pain those first few days, both from labor and delivery and from learning to breastfeed, and your hormones will be all over the map in a way you have never, ever experienced before. My husband just reminded me (he's laughing so hard he's almost crying) that when our older daughter was 3 days old, and I hadn't slept for more than an hour at a stretch since she was born, in the middle of the night I'd just fed her and she was screaming and screaming, and I started crying myself and yelled at him, "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT THIS F___ING BABY UP?!" Yeah, not something I am proud to admit having said or felt, but you get the idea... I really, really needed some help at that moment, and who knocked on our bedroom door just then? Yep, my mom. Who walked around with the baby in her arms for THE NEXT 4 HOURS! Bless her!! I am not sure any of us would have survived that night if it hadn't been for my mom, who understood from first-hand experience that I was exhausted, in pain, and had the baby blues and just needed some sleep! The next day when my milk came in and I thought my breasts might actually explode, my husband and I had no idea what to do, but... my mom walked me through it, having been through that herself.

So... my hope for you is that you have a 45 minute labor and delivery, no stitches, you take to breastfeeding like a duck to water, and your baby sleeps through the night immediately. But, just in case you run across any issues, at least reserve the right to change your mind about having one or both new grandmas there to help out... just in case! You'll have years and years to bond with your baby, and it will be easier if you have at least some help to start off. Just my two cents. Good luck to you!!

Hi Kathy,
First of all, congrats on your soon to be here little one. Now let me tell you that my hubby and I felt the same way. (My hubby even more so than me) My mother-in-law came by with dinner the day we came home, but my hubby made it known to his family that we wanted time alone together. Unfortunately my hubby went back to work after a few days and I was all alone and let me tell you, it was awful! I was SO tired and in some pain after a c-section that I wish I would have had someone else there. If your hubby is staying home to help you than it would be much better. Maybe a compromise, like just grandparents on a certain day and time, would keep peace. I loved that my mother-in-law would bring dinner every night and hold Paige while we ate. Of course that was after a few days. I let people know that I wasn't up to a lot of visitors yet and most people were fine, immediate family aside. Just remember that this is your baby and things should be how you want them but be careful what you wish for. My mother also wanted to stay with us for a few weeks to help out and I said I would be fine. BOY WAS I WRONG! My hubby wasn't ready for all the work and I wasn't up to cooking and doing laundry, much less getting up every 2 hrs to feed Paige. Keep your options open so you won't be in the same boat as I was.
L.

Hi Kathy, I just wanted to say congratulations and do what you feel is best for you. My son was also the first grandbaby in the family.

I told my mum I didn't want her in the room while I was laboring because I wanted the baby's father there. She twisted my words, turned it into a big deal, and still hasn't forgiven me 20 months later.

I was nervous about having a baby for the first time and wanted help, so I was grateful, at first, that the next morning, a few hours after the birth, my boyfriend's family was there to see the baby. However, my "mother-in-law" monopolized the baby and I wasn't allowed to hold him for the first three months of his life besides breastfeeding (which she strongly disagreed with, he was having problems latching on, and she told me I was poisoning him with my breastmilk).

All that just to say, you need to do what you need to do!!! You should definitely try to kindly let people know that they need to stay away from you and the baby for the first week. Or, like someone else said, just have someone send people away as they come to the door. Stick to your decision. I can tell you from experience that if you back down to be nice and avoid disappointing others, that you will be disappointed and you will resent them for their intrusion. I have to warn you and say that they may be angry with you and/or feel hurt by your decision, but so what? Nothing is more important than your husband and your baby. My mother still resents me over how my birth turned out and that's her problem. My mother-in-law doesn't like me and I don't care. She must abide by my wishes regarding the baby because he is MY SON.

Also, I want you to know something else. Hopefully things turn out as you wish and you get the much desired family bonding time with your baby and your husband. But if that doesn't happen, don't despair!! You WILL bond to your baby even if it doesn't happen right away. My son was a stranger to me for three months after his birth. when he was 3 months old my mother-in-law got angry and left for a month (my boyfriend, the baby, and I all live in the same house with his family). It was the first chance I got to take care of my own baby and it was at THAT point that my baby bonded to me!!

By the way, I think you mentioned your in-laws are a different culture than you? Sorry if I misread that. That is my situation, too. Communication between my in-laws and me is nearly non-existent. They don't speak English very well and I barely speak Chinese at all. Trying to be nice got me nowhere. I am very soft-spoken and avoid conflict at all costs, but I found that I have to straight out tell them how things will be and then yell at them if they disrespect my wishes. It's the only way to get them to remotely follow my wishes and even then they ignore me most of the time. Good luck.

I wish you all the best!

Hi Kathy, I think your desire to get to know your new baby in private is healthy and reasonable. I think you can very politely but assertively tell anyone interested that you would like visitors after the first week. Motherhood is about being strong for your family! Maybe you would feel comfortable welcoming visitors in your hospital room while you are waiting for release to satisfy everyone's initial curiosity. My husband and I enjoyed having in-room visitors. But that is totally up to you. I also suggest you try "laying in" with your baby for the first week. It's really simple: you and your baby just stay in bed while your husband and anyone else who happens to show up just meets your needs. By remaining in the intimate setting of the bedroom, you will send over zealous relatives the message that this a special, private time. Additionally, this is a very comfortable setting for breastfeeding. I hope you have a wonderful birth experience!

Kathy,
I understand where you are coming from, but I do think its a bad idea. My mother-in-law came to stay with us for a week after my first child and I hated it. Every chance she got she took my son out of my arms and I thought I would scream. I would take him into my room with the excuse to nurse him and wanting my privacy. That was 11 years ago and I've learned alot since then. One is that my mother-in-law loves my children. She or anyone out there can never take away from my love or my husbands. They only add to it. My children are blessed that they have so many people who love them. If I were you, I'd talk to my husband and maybe set limits on the visits. Let them come over for an hour and have your husband tell them that you need your rest and they can come over another day. That way everyone wins.
Best of luck with the baby.

hey kathy. congratulations on your upcoming arrival! i too am a first time mom to a 5 week old baby girl. my husband and i did the same thing you are going to do and we are SOOOO glad we did. everyone told us we would need so much help right away and we will want our family there to take care of things, but we were fine! just like you, my husband does all the cooking so he took care of everything while my only job was to take care of our baby girl. i also ended having to have a c-section, so i had the added complication of caring for the surgery sight. don't get me wrong, it was a lot of work and very tiring, but if you have a partner who is 100% involved, that's all you need.

plus you will never get this time back. so be selfish! this is your baby and you guys are now a new family. you all three need some time to figure each other out!

best of luck to you.
N.

Hi Kathy,

I really encourage you to trust your instincts on this one.

I felt the same way when my first daughter was born (the first grandchild in the family) and actually asked for 2 weeks for family bonding. My husband, who had paternity leave, did start to go crazy in the second week because he is very social so probably one week was more reasonable.

Here is what we did. We invited the new grandparents and aunts and uncles to the hospital to meet the new baby. Most had to travel quite a distance but everyone made it. We also told everyone ahead of time that we would be taking the first two weeks for family bonding. Once my mother in law knew that this held true for my mother, etc., it seemed to calm everyone down. You can tell them that "family bonding" is recommended in baby books and if you have a book like "What to Expect When You're Expecting," I would definitely look it up and show it to your husband.

I felt strongly that my husband and I needed some time to figure out our roles and to bond. If one of the grandmothers or grandfathers were around, they would have probably jumped in there to help but prevented my husband to get in there and do it himself. Your husband is probably going to feel a bit left out, especially if you are nursing, so the more that he can do with the baby, the better.

To reassure everyone, we made plans a few weeks in advance so everyone knew when they were going to get some of their own baby bonding time.

Of course, accept all offers of food. Our friends seemed to understand our need for privacy (OK, MY need) and we even had casseroles left on the porch.

You are definitely not being selfish and your husband might not feel the exact same way but after he sees what you do to deliver this baby, he will probably listen to you very carefully :)

We found that this issue was just the first of many situations where we had to let our family know that we were doing it our own way, just like they did.

Congratulations and enjoy!

A.

First of all....... congrats on the upcoming arrival. I have 2 girls and they are so so much fun! And secondly..... do not feel bad about wanting to bond privately. I myself did not choose to do this but I wanted to give you a persons opinion that has been on the other side of this. My best friend was having her first baby and was feeling the same way you do. She was open and honest with us and all her family. She just said, "we plan on coming home and bonding with the baby, alone. But we will definately call everyone when we are ready to show her off" Just give us a week or so.
She told all of us that she wasn't doing it to be hurtful, just wanted that important time with her husband and baby that she would never be able to get back. ANd because we knew it was important to her we did not judge her for that.
SO in a nut shell...... I would just be straight up and honest with them and explain that it is very important to you. They should understand. ANd they will be even more excited when they finally get the special time with her.
Good luck and may you have a healthy happy baby girl!

Oh Boy, this is a good one!!

First of all, you need to get your husband on board with this right away. Tonight. (If for some reason he disagrees it might make all this advice moot, but convince him that you have the right idea. I haven't read the other mothers' advice yet but I bet most of them will agree with you.)

You are absolutely right in this. Know this now and do not feel you have to change your mind. Family bonding aside, THE absolute most meaningful, precious and wonderful times of my life personally were the times I ALONE spent that first day with my newborn. When everyone else had gone, hubby included. MAKE SURE at the very least you get that time when it's just you and the baby. When you are older and you have forgotten almost everything else about their infancy you will remember that most amazing, spiritual, blissful time when you and your baby got to know each other for the first time and fell in love.

Anyway, I'm starting to tear up. Your wishes are SO important I want you to PROMISE yourself right now that you are going to hold to them. This is YOUR baby, not all those other people's, and you get to have it YOUR way.

You need to be brave, and after telling your husband call all those people tomorrow before they get on planes or whatever and let them know when they can come. Practice saying it first if you have to. Just say, "mom (or whoever), Bob and I don't want visitors until after the first week." (That's assuming your husband's name is Bob.) DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO EXCUSE OR EXPLAIN OR ANYTHING ELSE. If they protest just say, "I'm sorry, but Bob and I don't want... (repeat sentence). If they protest again say, "this is what we want. I hope you can respect our wishes." If they protest again then you'd better get used to being firm 'cause this will only be the first in a long line of not respecting your parenting.

Please DO THIS for yourself. You don't have any do-overs on this baby and you want to do it the way you want. YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!!

p.s. - Catherine C. usually has good advice (in my opinion) but this time we're opposed: she probably has an unusually great mom. In any case I will add that maybe you can lovingly ask them if you change your mind and that family bonding time wasn't everything you thought it would be can they please run over and help?? But Catherine, I think you're blessed with such a mother. Unfortunately I don't think they're all that common

I feel very badly for you! I felt the same way when my first son was born, but didn't have the guts to tell anyone. I ended up yelling at my husband and hiding out in our room just to get away from my in-laws. They kept wanting to hold him "to give me a break" but I just wanted to hang out with my baby. Tell your family how you feel before you get resentful. Tell them you need to bond, and if breastfeeding, that you need time to practice on your own. The day I got home from the hospital I sat down in a chair to breast feed and my mother-in-law covered me up with a blanket. I couldn't even see what I was doing! She said she was covering me because she didn't want me to be embarrassed... Of course I was in my own house, on my own couch, with just her in the same room. They thought I should go on medication for depression, but I just wanted peace! And I wanted someone to do some cooking and cleaning for me, not take the baby from me. Good Luck!!! And congratulations on becoming a mom!

Hi Kathy,
I think you have every right in the world to take that first week with your child and husband. I did, and it was magic! I think you need to talk this through with your husband ASAP, as his position needs to be respected. Hopefully he's on board because it's an amazing experience.
It's understandable that your family is anxious to meet this little person and so you can expect some disgruntled reactions to your intention but, none the less, this is YOUR decision and I encourage you to stand by your instincts and just lay it out for them. If they don't understand then they'll have to deal with that but I think in the long run they'll respect your resolve. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and stand up for what you want! Maybe your husband could run some interference as far as phone calls during that week. You'll need your rest (sleep when baby sleeps!) and he can let others know you're all doing fine. I think it's very beneficial for new babies to have peace and quiet during their first days in the world.
It sounds like you're going to be a super mother. Trust yourself and go with your gut.
Congratulations! T.

Honestly, you don't owe anyone anything and don't have to explain why you want to do anything. The best thing is to turn off the phone and don't answer the door. When I had my baby, I was single and lived with my mom. My mom told people they couldn't come over and if they showed up without calling, she sent them on their way. She said that I needed my rest and I would call them when I was ready to entertain company. Your husband I'm sure has time off, so that's all the help you need. People put too much on how much and what type of help you need when you have a baby. Too many people means you have too much going on. Enjoy being with your husband and new baby. If family and friends don't understand, oh well. We can't please everyone and that's how we are as women, we give up what we feel and want to make others happen. God blessed you and your husband, so take advantage of it, by making your bond with your husband and new baby stronger than ever. Congradulations and good luck with everything. Try and get some rest and don't worry yourself over it, because you have bigger and better things to deal with in a couple of weeks. Relax and take this time to enjoy the company of you and your husband because that will soon be over girlfriend. :-)

Congrats!!! It's sooooo exciting and you will never be a "first" time parent again. My husband and I both felt the same way with our daughter who's now 5. We started talking about it with family before she was born and let them know how 'nervous' we were and how we might want a bit of time to ourselves as a family unit. To be honest, a week is a long time and you will want to show her off before then for sure!!! What we did is we let both sets of parents come to the hospital to see her and visit a bit. We set the time up to start the visit and to end it. Then, when we came home we asked that we have that day and the next to be alone and try to bond and get some sort of routine down. That went over well. I don't think it would have if we asked for a week. Feelings would have been hurt for sure. Trust me, you will have plenty of time to bond as a unit during this time.

Also, after we were home I welcomed the company. It was nice to see faces and share our new bundle with everyone (not to mention the meals that came with it which was LIFE SAVING). We also set up specific times for visits with family and kept close friends at bay for one week. We kept them to an hour and everyone understood.

I would open up the conversation now to prepare them, it's true, your husband will need to be on board as he will most likely field the calls. We just told people we weren't sure how we'd react but to be patient with us since we were new parents.

Good luck and be sure to let us know how it turns out!!!

I felt the same way as you do about needing space but I took the chicken route. I didn't say anything and eventually broke down while I was in the hospital and had to be medicated. The nurses put a NO VISITORS sign on my hospital room door and I had one blissful day of no guests.

My little girl is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. BOTH. I went into labor two months prematurely and had to have an emergency C-section. Both families converged on the hospital like locusts.

I didn't have a moment to myself to heal and it was stressing me out. Both my mother and mother in law got to see my daughter and hold her before me. When my father in law was visiting (every day for a few hours) I held a fart in so long that when he left I burst into tears because I was so frustrated.

The fart was what finally sent me over the edge. Here I am, all cut up and trying to heal from a terrible ordeal and I'm having to make small talk when all I want to do is eat, sleep and go to the bathroom.

The doctors had to tell the interlopers to go home. I didn't have it in me. I just stressed until I self destructed and needed an IV with blood pressure medication.

If you can’t be upfront and tell your guests when it would be appropriate for them to arrive, get a doctors note stating that you need x number of days without any external stimuli (NO VISITORS) to help aid your healing.

Or you could go my rout and just break down in front of them until they all leave.

I didn't read all of the numerous responses you received, so please forgive me if I am repeating advice here...

When I was pregnant with our daughter, I felt the same way you do and didn't know how to spare feelings and still have that precious "alone" time as a family. I mentioned it to our pediatrician and she very graciously said "Blame it on me." It turns out, that she is a big advocate of limiting a newborns exposure to a lot of new germs... Thus, the fewer people who come in contact with a newborn in the first few weeks, the better. She says she just likes to give their little immune systems time to ramp up before they are swarmed by visitors and all of the germs that come with the visitors.

My husband and I told our family members that we would be following our pediatrician's advice and that we would be happy to introduce everyone to our little girl after she'd had a few weeks to adjust to life... There were some grumbles, but we stuck to our guns and continually told the grumblers (most notably, my mother-in-law) that we were committed to following our pediatrician's advice and to keeping our new baby healthy.

The time we had alone with our daughter was amazing and it is a memory I cherish. Don't let your fear of hurting feelings deprive you of something you want so much. (And, don't be afraid to blame it on your pediatrician... It works like a charm!)

Congratulations on becoming a mommy!

Hi Kathy,

I think that the way you just put it sounds very nice and is completely understandable especially with your first baby. They could always come see the baby in the hospital after you have her and then give you a week to get acclamated once you get home. And atleast if they come to the hospital, chances are they won't over stay their welcome!

Congrats and Good Luck!

It's up to you... but if you're really wanting privacy at the hospital make sure you have a private recovery room. I had a roommate who was a nightmare and her visiting family was a nightmare. Having my family there made that whole experience more bearable. Furthermore... I don't know how "close" you are with your hubby vs. mom type of thing... but the first shower I took post labor... well... it was actually nice having my mom help me. Maybe I'm a bigger baby than most, but my mom washed my hair and "babied" me which is not something my hubby would have exactly done to my liking plus he held the baby during this mom/daughter bonding experience. You may find little moments like that where it would be helpful to have another set of hands. You may not - it all depends on your situation. But about the roommates - seriously, check to see if you are guarenteed a private room. My hospital was "mostly" private rooms but it was really overcrowded and I was a lucky one with a roommate and it was awful. I was trying to breastfeed all the time and this girl had tons of people coming in and out...male/female, all ages, etc. It was highly annoying to keep those curtains constantly closed and her whole situation was drama and she was constantly crying and freaking out and leaving the tv on all night... lovely memories.... so check for privacy with the hospital too and not just from family if it's really concerning you... good luck... don't have much advice on the family stuff. sorry about your father in law. i just lost my dad a month ago and i'm having my second baby in two months. i think it will make it so much more emotional for me in this case. best to you...

First make sure you and your husband are on the same page.

Let everyone know before hand your intent and tell them why. It's important to tell them, because they may have arranged things at work to take some time off to "help" and could end up being really disappointed and upset. Let your husband discuss it with his mom, unless you have a really close relationship, other wise she might really feel excluded. Especially if you use your mom for support in any way. Also the first week home is the best for bonding but also can be the worst for you personally, dealing with the aftermath of birth, hormonal highs and lows, breast feeding challenges and generally getting in the swing of things. Don't get me wrong it has some of the best highs ever when you getting to know your little one and cuddling. Nothing beats a sleeping newborn.

If everyone who wants to meet the baby is nearby, have them meet and visit in the hospital after she is born. So everyone can take their pictures cuddle and meet the baby. The hospital will help with enforcing unwanted visitation. Also the hospital isn't very private or peaceful so what is a few more hovering people. Let them know they are more then welcome to visit after you have had a chance to bond and settle in (about a week :). If you are giving birth at home you might do a meet and greet morning the day after then close off visitation. You might change your mind about key people who you are more comfotable with so you might want to keep things a bit open. I changed my mind with a couple of key support people which made things a bit easier for myself and husband. Hope you get the experience you are wanting.

Let me tell you a little bit of my experiences.

When my older sister was pregnant with my oldest neice it was also the first grandchild for either side of the family. She went into labor and I was SOOOOOOO excited I could hardly concentrate at work. As SOON as I got off work I was at the hospital waiting with my mom and my sister's in-laws. Then she had an emergency C-section.

The hospital my sister had my neice at had a "no one but parents and grandparents in the room with the baby" policy. I didn't know this at first and when that baby was born and I couldn't hold her or even LOOK at her ... I was DEVASTATED. I stood in the hallway and cried. The person who intervened with the hospital staff on at least letting me SEE my new neice? My sister's mother-in-law. I couldn't stay long, and I didn't get to hold her, but I at least got to SEE her. My sister ended up being in the hospital a week, so it was a week before I got to hold my neice. It was sooooooo very hard.

Fast Forward 2 1/2 years to when my first child was born. My mom and sister came to cali from Ohio (where I'm originally from) to visit for 10 days, we tried to schedule the visit so that it would be a day or so before I was due, then plenty of time for after in case I was late. Well guess what. I was 9 days late. So my mom and my sister got to see my son the evening he was born, then for a short time the next day before they had to fly home. I "thought" at first "no big deal, I've been around babies most of my life, I know what I'm doing". What I ended up feeling was regret I hadn't asked to be induced (yeah I know they wouldn't have done it LOL)while my mom and sister would have still been there. I had that first week with me hubby and baby. And after 3 days I was wishing my mom and sister were still there.

Those are just my experiences. Just to give you another point of view. Not to try to change your mind.

My best advice on this? Talk to your husband, he DOES get a say. If you can't be in 100% agreement find a compromise. And try to keep your options open. You may find your feelings change once the baby is born. Also, don't be affraid to tell people (family or not) I'm tired it's time for you to go, We'll see you tomorrow(in a couple of days, not in this lifetime, etc).

I know exactly how you feel; except my parents wanted to also come even earlier. I am due on April 8th and my parents wanted to come now and stay through the birth and then 2 weeks after. My in-laws live right by us as well, so it will be a full house. I know my family means well, but it was tough to tell them not to come early. And also, to make it clear that they aren't going to stay for months after my son is born. My mother also made it very clear (to everyone who would listen) that she wanted to be in the delivery room. All I want there is my husband. Luckily, my husband felt the same way and gave me a good pep talk. He made me remember that this is about US, not anyone else, and we have the right to tell others that this is the way we want it and they should respect that. If they don't at first, they eventually will. I think my mom was a little sad at first, but she got over it right away. I just told her that while I appreciated her offering to come up early and help, that I wanted to spend this extra time alone with my husband and step-son. I also told her that I only wanted my husband in the delivery room, and that put her back a bit as well, but within minutes all was well. Everyone is just so excited about you and that baby that they will (eventually) respect any decision you make. Just try and be nice, but firm, about your decision and it should be fine. Having my husband behind me was a big thing. You wanting to bond with your husband and baby afterwards is perfectly natural and I don't see how anyone could be mad at you. Email pictures right away etc., or something to keep them at bay! Then invite them over and let them go nuts!!! I hope all goes well!

Jenny H.

I'm a mother of 2 with one on the way. I would just let them know how you feel and be firm about it. if you explain how you feel and let them know you aren't just blocking out one side, they should understand. Or even do like one visitor a day during a certain time until things settle. You are the mom and they should respect your space and needs. Hope that helps.

Hi Kathy! First off, this is your baby, so please don't think you're feeling selfish! Talk to your husband about it, perhaps he will know of a way to help convey this to the family, and be ready and able to help you more. He might be thinking he'll have it easy with the grandmothers there.

Also remember that your family just wants to help! Unfortunately when there are a whole bunch of them, sometimes it's overwhelming and there's no help! Perhaps you could go to each of them and say "Alright, I'm working out a schedule, so that I make sure there's enough coverage and everyone who wants to help/visit can. However, I don't want everyone here all at the same time, so I want to make this schedule for a rough idea of who's coming and when. What is your availability?" Then just conveniently schedule people when they're available but not overcrowding your home, but leave that first week out of the schedule, or block it with just you and your hubby...

Bringing home the baby is always the biggest thing. Maybe you can ask them to visit you in the hospital. I know the minute they find out, they will see you. Families should know mothers need their rest once your home from the hospital. If you have a voicemail on your phone, mother resting right now, call back later might help. I didn't have alot of people fusing over my son, so I have no idea what to say to your question. Resting is the most important thing for you, some people will offer to help, and being vulnerable would be hard to say no. I hope this helps.

I also felt the same way and my husband supported me. We just told the family that we wanted to have some time as a family to bond. Less then 16 hours after we got home we were making frantic calls to the family to please come and help us! Biggest mistake ever to ask them not to be there! Bonding with the baby will come later. The first few weeks of our baby coming home was us just trying to survive! Seriously! We had at least 4 people (including ourselves) at all times.

Hi Kathy -

yes - it sounds like EVERYONE is waiting for this baby-!

This is just my experience - I have 4 kids, my youngest is 6.
It is easy to romanticize having a baby - before my first one was born, I spent a lot of time imagining how I wanted everything to be, and what things would be like after he got here, and all the things I wanted to do 'just right'.

My advice is to allow your relatives to share in your joy. It is good for them and it is good for you. You are going to be exhausted - trust me. Your baby isn't going to sleep through the night for a while, and you will have just given birth. If you want to spend all the time with your baby, great - your relatives can clean the house, fix dinner, run errands, (you will want to do none of these things for a few days and your husband isn't going to want to do these things for days on end either...) and let you get a nap here and there (which you are going to need.....)

I don't think we are meant to go through this experience alone. Your baby's bonding with you has already started in the womb, and your baby will not be less bonded to you because someone else held him/her here and there in the first few days of life. Bonding happens continually throughout childhood - it isn't something you can only do right when they arrive. You really will need help. Your husband will pick up the slack for a day or two, but it will be overwhelming for him too. I wouldn't let anyone and everyone around the baby for a few weeks, but a few key individuals like parents, in-laws and siblings can be a real asset. The 'newness' of the baby will wear off very quickly, and it will be just you for most of the time - take advantage of the help at the beginning -

Congratulations on your new baby-!

Hi Kathy,
you need to talk to your husband about it first and make sure that both of you agree on the same thing. You are in for a big wonderful surprise. No matter how many people are in your house, when the baby cries and needs food, change of diapers or anything you will be alone with her. No body wants to be in your shoes, most of them have gone through that and the others won't know what to do anyway. You'll have plenty of time to bond with your baby, remember, it's quality time. You'll be extremely tired and will want company. Just relax, enjoy your time and let others enjoy too. The newness goes away fast!! Have fun! E.

I had the same feelings when I had my daughter a year ago. To keep everyone happy and not offend anyone, we took up their offers to make us dinner and it worked out well. They would stop by in the afternoon to drop off the dinner, vist for a short time (1/2 hr) and leave. They never stayed to eat with us, so the short visit while dropping off the dinner worked well. We also turned off our phone during the day and after 8 o'clock. This way we could not be reached. After a week though we started to look forward to vistors and sharing our baby girl. Good luck and enjoy the last weeks of your pregnancy, you are about to embark one of the best jobs ever of being a parent.

L.

hi, I do not envy you but I totally understand your need for time with just you and your husband and new baby and you deserve it!- so you will have to ask for it and you may have to be firm with your family members telling them that you want one week from the birth before any visits, tell them your dr. or midwife said that you will need this time alone with your family Have your husband call and tell his family members that this is important to you all and is important for the bonding for your immediate family. Set up the times for other family members to visit, like one week after the birth because you will not want everyone showing up at the same time. Remind people this is about your bonding time with the baby and your recovery- you will ned it. ask your family to send gift certificates for local restaurants so your meals are taken care of; or ask gma to come right now and help you prepare for baby, shopping and cooking meals ahead of time and then schedule her to come and visit the second or third week after the birth. or you can always wait tho call them until a week or so after the birth so you get your time, just turn your phone off and lock you doors oh my husband and I put a sign on the door that told visitors the birth date and weight and height with a message of only visiting for 15 min. maximum or to knock and leave food or gifts at the door and respect the bonding time of the new family. you can do this- call on your mama bear instincts and protect your family and this precious time of bonding and recovery
good luck

You already got a lot of great advice, so I'll just add one little thing. Our wise pediatrician told us to tell people that HE advised us that we shouldn't have any visitors for two weeks to limit the baby's exposure to germs. We definitely needed the first two weeks to get settled. After that we were ready for some short visits.

I felt the same way about not having visitors the first week. I had some the first day, then that was it. I know you want to bond alone but believe me, you will need help (other than your husband). Advice from your mother/in-law will be appreciated. Try to be tolerate because it is better to have someone care than no one care. Good luck and enjoy every moment.

You have to tell your mom that this is what you want. Have your husband talk to his. At the hospital, you can tell everyone in advance, that they don't want tons of visitors to respect the privacy of the patients.

Plan a "meet the baby" party one week after being home and call it a day. tell everyone in advance that one week after you have been home you will have everyone over for a potluck or something.
I appreciated all the help. Cleaning, cooking, being able to take a nap.

Hi Kathy- Condgrats on the up coming birth. I felt the same way with my son, now 12 weeks. Please, talk with your husband first and try get his support, or find out how you can compromise. You'll have plenty to think about with a newborn, you'll need to depend on him to do some of your advocacy for you, and you don't want to start any family drama between your husband and you in such a wonderful (and challenging!)time. If he understood your reasons, I'm sure he'd be able support you.

I personally didn't have that problem. As anxious as our family members were to see the baby, they also gave us our privacy and time to rest and bond with our baby. They did come to the hospital to see me and the baby but once we got home we had our space. The also would call to see if we needed anything but it wasn't everyday and my husband would answer the phone and say I was resting or feeding baby and they would say okay and leave us alone. I say, if you feel this way... let them know..they will understand. 1 week isn't too much to ask, after all...this is YOUR baby and they only stay small so long, enjoy it! Good Luck!

I didn't do this and I WISH I had. I had a million people at my house and not only did I not get the one on one time with my babies (twins) but I did not get the sleep I needed. You will just be cat napping here and there when you can and without the ability to do that (hard even if they say you can because you want to talk with visitors, or you don't want to seem rude, and it's just hard to sleep when others are in the next room). I was so sleep deprived because of all the commotion. I sent out an email announcement with the birth stats and said "no visitors or phone calls for now please, as we are all just settling in at home." That kept some away but not mom or mom in law or sis. Maybe if you don't try to be so delicate about it they won't think it's okay to be easily upset over it. Just explain that you want to bond your little nuclear family and then open up to your bigger family. And mention you want to be able to sleep EVERY time your baby sleeps (although you will only accomplish this 50% of the time probably, but less with others around). And lastly, I think, don't worry about others feelings. This is a special time you can never re-create. They will soon forget about it, and you will remember that time for the rest of your life. Good luck!

Grandmas need to bond with babies too!~ but your best bet is to communicate clearly what your expectations are...
Maybe you can set expectations clearly... such as we are trying to get a schedule established... family and other loved ones are welcome from say 9:30 to 11:00 am for the first 6 months.. evenings when dad is home from work are a "no company zone" What are your expectations of grandma/Aunties as a babysitter/helper later? you dont want to be leaving baby with someone she does not know. And Grandma will need to have a clear idea of what you expect...babys routine ecetera. If you want their help, you need to speak up and tell them their role, and remember you will be tired... so you may want a trusted few to be around so you can catch up on sleeping!

Hi Kathy,
I dont think there is a thing wrong with what you are requesting, everyone has their own opinion, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, just as long as they follow your wishes. My mother in law lives out of the country and she wanted to help too and come stay with us even before my baby was born, then for 2 or 3 months after. I told my husband no way!!! I want to bond with my baby alone with you. I think she was a little hurt but those were my wishes. I also did not want anyone besides my husband in the delivery room, friends of mine and some family members didnt understand this either, but it was my decision and Im glad I stuck with it. My mom did come and stay for 2 days about 4 days after the baby was born. It was a big help, she really left me alone with the baby and helped out termendously by cleaning and cooking. It was also nice to have her there with her having previous baby experience since I had none. Congradulations!! and stick with your decision, dont let pressure from others presuade you into something you dont want. Also too, since my baby was born I have become alot more direct with people, before I was more shy and had problems confronting people now since I have a baby to protect, I have become more forward and direct. Hope this helps.
M.

I recently gave birth to my second child and I can relate to the feeling you're anticipating after you give birth. I was so overwhelmed with the idea of people coming over that I became a crying mess all the time when all I wanted was to be alone with my new little family. One thing I did was I made my husband be our spokesperson. He was great at discussing with me our boundaries and then carrying them out as people started asking to come over. We were unified on what we wanted beforehand and I think that made all the difference. I did allow people to come over, but only those who were going to actually help. My mother-in-law was wonderful. Her motto was that she would take care of the house and my older child and the mommy takes care of the baby. I have to be honest with you--having her around was the biggest blessing. At first I didn't want anyone over, but it was well worth it. Since you are concerned about your husband's mother, you should really let him gently communicate your decision as a couple. However, don't overlook the immesurable value of someone who is really there to help (as opposed to someone who is there to look at the baby all day while you wait on them!). Best wishes for a healthy delivery and baby!

It was the same for my daughter, too. Encourage them to come meet the baby in the hospital and have the chaos there. That way everybody gets the chance to see her. Let them know - firmly!- that you are going to be bonding and nesting after you get home, and that you are going to follow the cardinal rule of "sleep when the baby sleeps" for at least the first week. Therefore, you don't want to plan any visits, and you may turn off the phones so that you won't be interrupted. Reassure them that if you need anything you won't hesitate to call them!

Good Luck!

I completely understand where you're coming from. When our first was born 3 years ago, I chose not to have anyone in the delivery room but my husband, and our first week home was just the 3 of us. I really offended my mom, who would not let the subject drop, even right up to delivery time. But I realized that I had to put my immediate family first, and I knew I had to stick by my guns, even if some people were offended. I gently tried to explain that I wasn't trying to exclude anyone, but that we needed our alone time. What finally sunk in for my mom and mother in law is that my husband was able to take a few weeks off, so it's not like it was 35 years ago, where the dad went back to work the next day. I also explained that my husband and I are both hands on people that need to figure things out on our own, but that we both felt relieved knowing both moms were there should problems arise. It was the best choice for us, and our first week home with our son was a true honeymoon. Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad if you need that time for yourselves! Your family now comes first, not anyone else!
Good luck.

I think that you are making a huge mistake, by not wanting anyone else around the baby the first week. Especially being the fact that your Father-in-Law just passed away 3 months ago. A baby is a blessing, not just to you and your husband but to everyone in the family, especially if this is the first grandchild on both sides. If you didn't want anyone around the baby the first week then you should have kept the pregnancy to your self! All your family wants is to love this baby, not take "her" away from you. If you push all of them aside, you will live to regret that decision in the long run, not to mention all of the hard feelings there would be. And keep in mind there will come a day that you will need a baby sitter, now how would you feel if you went ahead with your decision to keep them away for the first week, and they told you "NO" to baby sitting? If I were you I would really rethink that one. You being the expentant mother have already bonded with the baby any way...for almost 9 months. Come on get real. Not a smart move in my opinion. I am a mother of 2 grown children, 2 grandchildren, if either one of my kids had told me that I would be devestated, and may NEVER come around. It is tough raising a child on your own, not to mention the sleepless nights??? Your mother and mother-in-law have already been where you are, don't you think that they deserve the right, they know much, much more about a baby then you do. When there comes a time and there will come a time when you don't know what to do for the baby who do you think you will be turning to? I would rethink that one, long and hard, because once you tell the family what you would like to do, there won't be any turning back. Stop being selfish and them embrace the excitement of a new baby. How will you keep your father-in-law away from her, yes, he too will be around her, you just won't be able to see him, but she will.

Hi Kathy,
I understand what you are saying and feeling. But, I must caution you that you might want "just a bit of help". If you offer an afternoon to each Grandmother, they won't feel shut out and you and your husband might get some well needed rest. As for the other family - tell them you will email pics and have them over when you feel settled.
Please don't shut out your family. My 13 yr. old daughter just has her Mom, Dad and Grandma here locally and she is lonely because of that. Hope this helps.
Patti

It sounds like you already feel smoothered by your family/relatives. It is wonderful to have such support and excitement regarding your first baby. Enjoy it! Maybe you could have them come to the hospital in the first few days after birth and then let them know that you and your husband(together) want a few days alone with the baby, but let them know they can visit again the following week. You may change your mind once the baby is here. With the lack of sleep and recovery after childbirth, you may want at least your mom around for the first week. She can help feed you which is the most important thing if you breastfeed.Have your husband tell his family about the visiting arrangements. Happy pushing!

Laraine

First of all... you need to clear this with your husband, this is his baby too and he might have different ideas.
That being said - it is up to you and him how you will be dealing w/ visitors. You are in charge. Just tell them. A week is not too much to ask for - you are completely w/in your right.
I had very strong preferences before I had my daughter as well (about many things) but keep in mind - when you are really experiencing being a new Mommy, adjustments will need to be made because your needs will be changing all the time. So if I were you I would say something like, "I know this might change, I might be begging for your help from day one, but right now I really would like no visitors the first week. I'd really like to bond just the 3 of us."
Good Luck :)

Kathy,
I can only answer as a grandma. I would be very hurt. I have 2 grandsons 32months and 15 months. I was at each birth and feel so blessed to be there when my grandsons came into this world. I don't get to see my oldest much, as he cries when his mother is not in sight. Traumatic for both of us. He has bonded well with his mother. My youngest is the joy of my life. I get to see him about 2x a week. The love I have for these grandbabies is so different than for their dads, it just amazes me. My heart sings when Chris sees me and runs into my arms. I have been there for them from the beginning. Trust me, you will much bonding time with your baby, like at 3 in the morning. Don't keep the grandmas away from them. It kind of seems selfish to me. Wish you well. Don't keep grandmas away even for a week!
P.

We went through this with our first son, I totally understand where you're coming from! We were inundated with visitors when he was 3 weeks old (during Thanksgiving), I think there was something like 25 in 4 days! I was a good sport for 2 or 3 days and then took a nap and took the baby with me when family would come over (after a few minutes of saying hi). Nobody was upset that I did this, they all understood that I was tired. So, truly you could just try the truth and say that you are tired and hormonal and just want to rest, but maybe give them a minute or two to look at the baby before you lay down. People are generally understanding about newborns and first-time moms needs. And, there's no such thing as hogging your own baby, I don't think anyone will say that; they'll just try to stay on your good side to see the baby! I'd say play it by ear when the time comes and if you need to lay down if someone comes over, they'll soon get the hint. Most people would be just as satisfied to see a 1 week old baby as one that's 1 day old!

You and your husband need to sit down with those involved and make your wishes known. At that time you can possibly set a schedule with them, special time so that they can bond with the child as well. You need to make you wishes known. This is your special time, first. Then it is their special time. Remember that and keep them consistent. Congrats.

Dr B.

You sound exacly like me when I was pregnant with my first! My mother-in-law can be very smothering and pushy and I was afraid to say anything to her. They ended up staying with us for a whole month! I'm sure they are more extreme than your family, but it's still important that you stand up for yourself!
As you grow as a mom, you will find it much easier to express your needs. Just remember, you are the mother and you are in charge. You will be tired and you should nap when the baby sleeps. Don't worry about what other people think. Also, you will need time alone to bond with the baby. I used to just stare at my girls when the were newborn for the longest time. Just staring into those eyes that you have waited for 9 months to look into is just amazing.
People want to help, but you will also want to figure things out for yourself. Just be honest about your feelings and people should understand.
Take care of you and you'll be able to take care of your baby!
best wishes,
M.

Hi Kathy -

I did somewhat feel the same way for a time while I was pregnant the first time (by the time the other kids came along I could have cared less if the whole city visited-lol) however the hurt look in my own mom's eyes when I started mentioning it still haunts me. I had no problem telling friends that I was exhausted and not up to visitors and they were all VERY understanding but family is different. If you do decided to exclude all others for a week I would make sure your husband is on the same page before you make your announcement as to avoid any conflict if he doesn't share your thoughts. In the end I decided that it just wasn't worth hurting some of the most important people in my life. And as it turns out you'll be VERY surprised just how fast all those visitors dissappear to return to there own lives and you and your husband will be all alone with your baby for say the next 18 or so years of your life :)

A friend of mine felt this way about her second baby. It completely blew up on her big time. Maybe you could tell your mother-in-law that you feel a bit overwhelmed but really want to have a special time with everyone and would she help you by organizing a party for the day after the baby comes home. She could start with all the planning now. You might want to let your mom know first that you feel overwhelmed and would like for your mother-in law to organize a big family party because you know it would mean so much to her after her recent loss. You could end up with a truly special memory, photos, video etc. By all means do not try to keep the grandparents away from the hospital for a visit as soon as the baby arrives. Of course they don't need to follow you home from the hospital. I think that's understandable.

I don't recommend that you try to keep everyone away for a full week. My friend's second baby experience was truly dreadful and left huge scars in the family. I mean HUGE.

Best wishes, W.

I think it is a great idea to have the time alone with just your hubbie and the baby for a week. I didn't do that completely, but I could see why you would want to. If I were to talk to my family, including in-laws, I would probably just make a schedule for when people can come "help". I would explain that the first week you expect to be tired and need the recouping time, as well as bonding time, so you would prefer not to have a bunch of people over. If they are going to get to see you and the baby at the hospital before you go home, that might be enough for them to satisfy their need to be around immediately. I would probably also say you want to be able to visit with them when you have a little more energy, which will be after the first week of getting into a routine with the baby. I might also talk with my doctor and see if she/he has any thoughts on it...maybe she will say it is a great idea for keeping the baby healthy, etc., and then you can use that to take the pressure off yourself....just following doctor's orders. With me, my husband had to go back to work after only a week, so I scheduled my mother-in-law to come after that, letting her know that is when I would need the most help since my hubbie wouldn't be there during the day and I would be by myself. Congrats on the new baby and good luck.

Hi Kathy,
I completely empathaize with you. I felt exactly the same way about bonding with my first baby. I talked with my husband about it and I was pretty much determined to have just the three of us bond for at least the first week or so. My in-laws live less than a mile away and I too was worried about hurting feelings. Kathy, my husband supported my decision and we were able to immerse ourselved in the special time of just the three of us for about two weeks. It was amazing and as hard as it was, it is something I will always cherish. My mother understood completely and my in-laws respected our desires. Both sets of parents did come to the hospital shortly after my son was born, but when we came home from the hospital it was just the three of us. My suggestion would be to ask for your husband's support and let him know just how meaningful this will be for all three of you. He shared our desires with his parents and it worked out. It's not to say we didn't ask for my in-laws to help by picking up some groceries, but we did not have ANY visitors for at least the first two weeks. I'm sure some family members weren't pleased with our hogging the baby, but they got over it quick and came to visit once we were ready. Meals weren't a problem for us at first; we had plenty of frozen meals and some take-out too. I would suggest freezing some meals right now to make it easier on yourself and/or ask for family members to do the same and drop off the frozen meals ahead of time.

I hope you have the bonding time you desire. All the best to you, Ramona
My background: I was due on April 4th of 2007 and delivered on March 29th.

For heaven's sake, just tell them. On the phone, start with how you appreciate them or something positive, then out with it. Tell each Mother you will be pleased to see her around the (give her a specific date). Try to not have overlapping visits. You absolutely NEED that initial time to get to know your child and feel comfortable with your own instincts.
I remember secondguessing EVERYTHING I'd figured out with my newborn when my own Mother finally came to visit - and we were close!
With added stress comes the possibility of problems breastfeeding. With baby being passed around brings danger of unfriendly germs. Perhaps your husband would want to speak authoritatively to his Mother. After all, it's a new role for Him too.
Selfish? I'd say you must think about the welfare of your baby, your own little family and your own health FIRST.

Hi Kathy,

First let me say congratulations to you and your husband on your upcoming arrival!! Talk to your husband and tell him your concerns and fears. He needs to be your advocate after your birth- no matter what. So if you feel that bonding will be best just the three of you, let him know and have him tell the family and others to respect your wishes. Also, you may change your mind-- so if you do, your husband could set aside a time frame for which people can visit- I did it and it helped me a lot to know that from 2-4, we may have visitors. After that, its just me, my husband and my baby. Don't be afraid to speak up--bonding is critical and anyone who has been a mother should know exactly what you are talking about.

I wish you the best!

Molly

well, i think you should reach a compromised plan on you're own and then share it with tthem. for instance people can come to the hospital to meet the baby but once you get home lookie loos are off limits for so many days or vice versa. when a new child is born it is of coarse born to it's parents but also it is born into a family and you are lucky that you're child has extended family who are eagerly anticipating his/her arrival. everyone wants a chance to see and hold the little bundle and as a mother i know it is part of the joy of becoming a parent to share the baby with the world. everyone will tell you the baby is beautiful and theat you did a good job and that is all part of the excitement but by all means share it with them on you're own terms and do tell everyone in advance what you want so they will be ready to carry out you're wishes when the time comes and there will be no hurt feelings. good luck

T., sahm of 2 year old and 30 weeks preg.

Good morning,

Congratulations on your, almost here, baby. I was in the same situation as you. My daughter was the first grandchild/niece for my husband's family. I told my husband to let them know we needed some alone time with the baby and they were understanding, especially his mom. I had no issue letting my family know and they had no problem with it.

I don't think they will have an issue or have hurt feelings if you two let them know you want to spend the first week alone. Especially since they have had their own children and know what it is like the first days of bringing baby home. They will not think of you as being selfish. You are not "hogging the baby" she is your child, your first child. If your husband doesn't feel the same just tell him that it is very important for you to have the bonding time. If anyone shows up unexpected just don't answer the door. Later if they call say you were sleeping...hehehe Good luck and enjoy because they grow SO FAST!!

Congratulations! Your first baby is so exciting and emotional and I understand that you will never be in this exact place again. However, I absolutely agree with everything Kristin L said below (and I think she said it with much compassion and understanding). I believe there could be a compromise. Maybe you could allow the family to come over the day you come home from the hospital, or the day after. Believe these moms who have been there that you will really appreciate the words of wisdom and the experience your mother and MIL can give you. Not to mention the help and MEALS they bring over. Then, once everyone has had the opportunity to meet your daughter (she is THEIR new family member too), you can comfortably ask them for a couple days of alone time with your husband and baby. I would tell them exactly what day they can come over again....such as..."I really appreciate everyone coming over today (Wednesday) to meet baby. We would really like a couple days alone together as a family and would love it if you all could come over again for lunch and baby play on Saturday (or Sunday)."

I also don't believe you will be able to ask everyone to stay away for a week and not seriously damage some feelings. At least this is my impression based on my family. I think you would really be denying the grandparents an important occasion (and possibly your husband too?).

Anyway....just my two cents. I think there could be a compromise. Congratulations on your new family.

I felt the same way! I just took the phone off the hook. They will all understand and believe it or not, there will be a moment after the first week where you will want the help. Until then, just take care of the three of you-everyone else will understand!
Congratulations and good luck!

Hi, Kathy;
I know how hard that can be. Our first son was the first grandkid on both sides of our family, and I, too got phone calls several times a day! The calling started when I had just found out I was pregnant and escalated as the pregnancy wore on. Our son was almost 2 weeks late and we received daily advice on how to make him decide to be born. New moms have different ways of acting and different needs because we are different people. It is okay to want some space. Space is not what I really got, as I was not full of confidence at that point. I would advise that you decide what your priorities are in preparing yourself for this time. Then ask you husband what he thinks. Don't be hurt if he doesn't have a strong opinion...he is not pregnant and going through the exact changes you are, and he is likely used to his mother already :). With both of you knowing what boundaries you hope to have (No visits for a week) and HAVE to have (NO Mother-law video-taping the birth, for example!!!) at the hospital, tell your nurse or doctor your preferences. I did this, and they helped hold back the crowds and keep "rules" I set up. Your husband may feel a little lost at this point, so if he doesn't make your needs known to your nurses, you do it ahead of time and remind them. My nurse didn't let the family in the birthing room until I gave her the nod. Then when I had enough visiting, I gave her the look, and she whisked them out. She didn't allow video cameras in because I told her ahead of time I didn't want that. I found that when I told my family my preferences, if I spoke without hesitating it was easier. If I hesitated, they would take the reins and run. Incidentally, my father-in-law passed away a few months before our son was born, too. My mother-in-law was the one that overwhelmed me. I love her, and actually now I pray that I can be more like her! But 17 years ago, I frankly did not know how wonderful she was...just how enthusiastic! There are two more things I want to tell you. Your baby will be the crown jewel of her world. She may seem overbearing, but alienating or displeasing you in any way is really the LAST thing she wants to do, because you are the key to life for her grandbaby! And the last thing is that no matter how involved she becomes with your kids, YOU will always be Mom. My kids are 17 and 14 (boy and girl) and have been blessed with LOTS of presents, spoiling, money, LOVE from Grandma. Our kids really do need other people besides us to grow, anyway. Why not let it be family? :) With all that she has done for them over the years, I used to be afraid that our kids would actually love her more than they love me. Didn't happen. They turned out to be her only grandkids...so she has been very strong presence in our lives. I fought her involvement with our son, feeling like she was stealing him (she would literally just pick him up and walk off when I had just said to let him sleep) yet he and I still have the closest bond I could imagine. I did NOT fight her involvement with our daughter, as our family moved in with her when my girl was 4 days old and I thought we would all be in for some big misery if I didn't just go along with whatever she said. She had her hands on the baby girl so constantly...but I prayed and sat back and waited. I let her be intimately involved with everything, but still the baby wanted to come to me. I was still Mom. Grandma wasn't trying to steal anyone. Grandma was just trying to get back some of the past. Grandma adjusted to reality. Now I would not trade any of it, as God taught me how to wait and trust. And we have the best Grandmas in the world. J.

I don't know if you'll read any more responces but I just wanted to share with you that I come from a simular situation in that I have no bio family and only my adopted family. I had the first grand baby and i was scared to death by all the attention that I'd never get to be with my baby. My mom didn't help as she talked about taking trips with her future grand children and I wasn't even out of the hospital. It was so important to me for the first time in my life to have a reflection. To look into the eyes of this little baby and know part of me was in there. I just wanted to be sure it couldn't be taken away. Sounds silly but it felt real to me. So I did set some boundries with my family and it hurt some feelings I think. I tried to be sensitive but I also felt protective of what I had for the first time in my life. With each baby after I relaxed and became secure in knowing that no one could replace me with my children. But with my first I had to learn that. Best wishes to you , R.

Oh KAthy.....its tough but its the most important decision you can make. I actually live on the same property with my folks and I had a home birth and it was really important to me and my hubby to have ourselves in a bubble for 2 weeks. We just asked that they respect this time.... We asked them to bring us food so we could just stay in bed and bond, snuggle and rest. Breast feeding can be tough too and it helps to have mellow quite time when your milk comes in. If they could prepare some yummy casserole stuff you could freeze and bring fresh veg/ salad stuff before hand so you will be set. It was really frustrating for my family- my parents, grandmother and sister all live here- BUT it was our choice and Im glad we made it. Its ok to be selfish with your new baby. Its a wonderful time that you will remeber forever. Birth is such an amazing experience in and of itself. Get all the rest you can. GOOD LUCK!

It seems like people will always be coming around, and maybe they will, but unless visiting gets totally out of hand, I suggest that you let everyone come and have a look. Believe me, it's over in a few weeks and then it's just you and the baby.

Any decent person will call first and you can always reschedule if you need to, but otherwise, let everyone share and help in this new venture. Good luck!

You can prep them by saying that you are looking forward to bonding with your child and are looking forward to that first moment when you can enjoy your true family of your husband and baby. maybe if they want to see you get settle as in someone waits with you while your husband goes and gets the car at the hospital. Maybe it would be helpful for them to help unload the car while you are resting in a chair at home. Then when it really is time to see the baby and you, when you are at your best since you have just been through a procedure. if they are considerate of you and your needs then they will ask is there anything you need. You can say no. Question when can we come visit or bring the family. Lets give us a day and start from there.

Remember we all have a plan about how the pregnancy is going to go but things change as the event happens. You don't want to alienate those that would be best in a time of need.

For example, my last child I couldn't hold myself I was so sick from the pregnancy. He actually ended up going to a bigger hospital for four days. But my husband appreciated the support that his parents gave him as he followed our son to a hospital two hours way. He also felt okay to leave me because I had my mom to check me out of the hospital later. When I went into the hospital I thought I was just checking on my status, not this is it. Thnigs didn't go according to plan and I needed the help.

Also remember, your husband may need some support too. I think they can be more nervous than us.

Then there is always the baby's personality. Colic is always a fun one and is much easier to handle when you have help. Sleep deprevation is going to be your friend. If they are respectful of your wishes you should be fine. good luck, I hope this helps.

Good luck. You have no idea what that first week will be like, don't burn your bridges yet! You will bond no matter what. The only way to keep family away is to move far, far away :)
I actually had my mom go back home - yes, she stayed here to "help". Her feelings were more hurt than I ever could have imagined, despite having been so careful about the situation. She never did get over it, our close relationship was never the same again. I will always regret having done that, it truely was a mistake.
Lastly, let your husband be the bad guy, if you find you just can't take it.

Good luck with the labor and safe passage of your baby. Now, down to business. Say your peace. Just tell people what you want. You may be surprised and want someone there earlier than you think, but in that case you can call them and ask them to come by and help. Don't just allow people(ANYONE!) to bombard your household. Is it possible for you to allow your mother and mother in law a short visit after the baby is born? They will really want to see your child and you. But you set the peramiters like, we'd love to see you on Sunday from 12-2. Be clear and loving. Yes, it's true that everyone will want to come by. I felt the same way when my son was born. People kept calling and I didn't want to talk or see anyone for about two weeks. My mom came to help for two weeks. I had a really hard time when she was there because my ideals of what I wanted to do/be didn't seem to mesh with the reality. When my mom was leaving I panicked and totally cried, like, no stay longer. My best advice to you is to just state the facts. You may have to make some concessions so feelings aren't too hurt. But you can make guidelines so you feel comfortable. I don't mean this to sound condescending, truly, but once she's here and healthy and your starring into her eyes, you may not care who else is in the room! She's your baby and nobody can take that away. No one else will bond with her like you will. So don't worry.
Good luck!

offer your family a coming out party when you are comfortable with having people around. of course, keep it a mellow party, maybe just a day when they are invited to come by for a few minutes, spaced out over a few hours.

some cultures kept the baby in the home for 14 or 21 days or so, and then had them greet their extended family in a special ceremony...

it is appropriate to ask, but you WILL have to ask for the time alone that you want. you're the mom. be firm. some folk may be miffed, but they will get over it, especially after the 2 weeks go by and they get to see the little bundle.

Dear Kathy,

I have 4 kids and with my very first, just like you everyone was driving me insane, his mom was nuts even telling me that she had to be the first to hold my daughter. It was very disturbing and stretched my emotions in every direction, I let it happen, even with the complications i had afterward at home, his family was there 24-7. By my fourth and new in-lawa I knew something had to be done to ease this process of motherhood. This last time we had the family wait a week, just like your suggesting and it was amazing, I think our son is calmer than any of my other children! The grandparents may have a problem with it and if so you could arrange certain times(at your discression)in the hospital maybe 1 hour visit each for each family and explain your wishes early so no feelings get hurt and take that first week to get to know your child, having other people around distracts you and that nurturing, bonding, wonderuf experience is not as great because you are preoccupied, I think our children deserve that undevided attention for the fist week so good luck, it will be well worth it!

Hi Kathy, I can see you have had so many responses, this issue hits home for so many of us. I have a 7 week old and a 4 year old and after my first came home, I did not know how to ask for what I wanted and I was upset by the fact that my mother in law was sleeping on my couch...cut to 4 years later and I learned that I can say what I want in a polite mannor and be heard. I discussed it with my hubby over a month before our second was born and when the issue came up when my mother in law was standing there, I did not have to be the bad guy, my hubby already knew the answer was no. So he was able to say so without putting me on the spot. Another thing we did was arrange a day and time for a birth(day) party. We invited all the family (and friends) over that day and let ourselves be ready for the influx of visitors. We had a cake with 0 on it and we had a good time! We also let people know that we wanted the week after we got home to be just the 4 of us. It really was worth the effort to communicate with each other and our family and friends what we wanted and other than the usual mother in law problems we got thru it and enjoyed it too. Congrats and enjoy your angel!

Oh my god.
OK - I had twins 4 years ago.
I went through the same exact thing.
My father in law had passed away 3 months before I gave birth.
I felt that if I had people helping out right away, there I would be when the "newness" of it all went away and everyone was done helping, being left with "what the hell do I do now".
I told my husband to tell his family that I wanted space and I dealt with my family.
I hope that your husband follows through.
Mine did not.
It was really hard because my Mother In Law thought she was coming home with us from the hospital.
If you need help talking to your husband about it, talk to your OB/GYN. They will let your husband know how important it is to be on the same page as you.
Mine ripped my childrens' father a new one once he found out that he had never told his family my feelings.
Good luck to you and feel free to contact me

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!

I had this issue with both my kids... who are now 4yrs old and 2 yrs old. I wanted it to be just me and my husband the first week and he understood only because I basically told him there was no other was no other way it was going to be.

But then, after my first our first week was spent in the hospital. So when we came home I had my mom with me during the days. She would make me my meals, do laundry and clean the house so that I could just be a mom. She would even fix dinner and then leave the minute my husband got home so that when he was home it was just the three of us. Anyone who wanted to visit me the first couple weeks I told them they had to pick a day, come between 11am-1pm and bring lunch. Literally, I made be "schedule" the time because I didn't want tons of people around while I was learning how to be a mom, learning how to breastfeed my child, etc...

Wuth my second, we had the same rules. No one aside from my parents and my in-laws were "allowed" to come over the first week after my son was born. My husbands family had a hard time and said mean things like "Do I need an appointment to come over" and "I didn't think I was invited". It irritated me but I stood firm.... this is my house and my family NOT THERE'S!!! Me giving birth isn't a public affair. It's a private, immediate family one.

Know now you're going to hurt someone's feelings but it's there problem NOT yours. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page and just be honest. Tell everyone it's about you two needing time to become a family and that after the first week you'd be more than happy to have one visitor a day bring you lunch!

You are going to need the help and once you have the baby home you'll realize it. You can stil have bonding time but don't turn away much needed help.

Hi Kathy,
First, I would speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. Second, I would speak to your main family members and tell them that you want the first week to yourself with the baby. Just be upfront and tell them what you want. I had my parents visiting and it was the most stressful time b/c of a situation that occured...by them. So I would highly recommend doing what you want...only your husband can truly help you...b/c it is a night when you will need a break...maybe have him feed the baby (if you are doing formula) or have him take care of you and the baby...cook dinner...hold her/him.
give you time to take a quick nap maybe.

Then I would send out an email to your friends...telling them that you don't want any visitors till after 2nd week.

dont feel guilty..its your decision.
good luck bye K.

Congratulations in advance. I would suggest that maybe you pick one day in the week or so following your due date to have people over. Plan it like it's a party, and do it as a potluck so that you won't have to cook. That way everyone can come over at one time so that you are not bombarded with visitors every day following the birth. Let them know that in addition to preparing for the birth of the baby, that you also need time to make sure the house is in order and that you are physically ready to receive guests over.

Hopefully this helps.

Kathy

Take it from a seasoned mom of 3, you are going to want the help of your mom. Both you and your husband are going to be exhausted and it will be nice to have your mom there to help out. Even if she is just helping with making the meals, doing the laundry, fielding phone calls and that sort of thing. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking people to wait until the weekend to come see the baby and talk to your mom beforehand and ask her to limit the amount of time people stay over.

Here is your first lesson on "I'm the MOM". Prepare others NOW for this news. When you talk about going into labor, and at this point it's probably a daily conversation with someone in your group, welcome them to the hospital to see the baby and say that after you return home it that you three plan on private time for the first week and will have no visitors during that time. Then stick to your guns. Let them know your wishes on the bonding time and let them know that this happens only ONCE in your childs lifetime and you plan on making the most of this time for you to recover and for both parents to bond. This will be the first time you have to pull the "I'm the MOM" card but it certainly won't be the last. But if you start now in preparing them and setting their expectations now then you will make it an easier feat to pull off. As for your husband...let him know that this is an important process for you and that you need him to back you up for the sake of yourself, your marriage, your new child and your family.

Congrats!
C.

Tell your family and friends that doctors are now recommending a week/two weeks of no friends/family visits until the baby's immune system strengthens. They will talk behind your back but who cares. After the baby is two weeks old they might not want to come around because they will be sore with you. So...then you have to call each person and ivite them individually. Trust me they weill come when told, NO ONE can resist a new born, no matter how "rediculous" they think your ideas are. Be strong and stick to your guns, who cares what others say, it's your baby, your house, your time, your family, your life. And guess what? You get to do whatever you want. Just be very nice and sweet about it.

PS Doctors also recommend taking a bath your newborn helps with bonding. They are slippery and tiny so put a onesie on your baby when taking a bath w/ him/her so the baby doesn't slip around.

Hi there, and congratulations in advance! Such an exciting time! I'm not sure if my advice is what you want, but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway. I am a postpartum RN and see so many visitors after the birth of babies in the hospital. I think that it is nice when people come, but it sometimes interferes with the parent's bonding with the baby. Especially when a mom needs breastfeeding help. That said, I would perhaps limit visitors at the hospital, but I think it may be hard to not to hurt feelings of close family members if they aren't able to see the baby for a whole week after. If it were me, I would let grandparents come for a visit, and explain to others that you just need this time to bond and that after the first week, that you will call to have people over. Also, you may have people who would like to drop by with a meal for you, and they will probably not want to bother you, but would like to at least feel like they are helping. I know that when people did that for me as a new mom, I loved it! So, good luck and have a healthy and happy birth!

I did the same thing. I let people come and see us in the hospital and after that I let every one know that I would like some time with just us and I will call them if I needed them. I also let them know that I am not trying to be mean but that I wanted to be able to rest and fell that I can relax for the first week. So I would let every one know that is what you want and ask your husband what he think about the idea.

When my son was born, my mom came down and stayed with us for about a week. What she did was all the things that we didn't have time to do: cook, clean, go to the grocery store, etc. Of course she got some time in with her grandson but it was a HUGE lifesaver for us to not have to worry about day to day things and just get aquainted with our new addition. On another note, my dad died very suddenly when I was 6 months pregnant. I know that the timing of our son's birth helped my mom through the most difficult time in her and our lives. I think you should set the expectations before hand so there are no surprises for people who just want to share in the joy. Good luck and enjoy every minute...it goes by fast!

I hear you, girl!

ALthough I haven't given birth yet (due in October w/ my first one), I plan on doing the exact same thing. My mother told me horror stories of all the people that stopped by after she was discharged from the hospital after having me and my twin sis. My mother would be in tears... so exhausted. The poor baby can get overstimulated with all the commotion as well. Looks like your family took the news well... good luck and congrats!

Hi Kathy!

Congratulations to you on your first baby! How exciting!

I completely understand how you are feeling....I mean, I am one mommy that had family over EVERY night WAITING for me to go into labor! And when I finally did, they were all there in my living room (as I was "breathing")watching TV waiting for me to go to the hospital. My family is very close, and I was about to deliver the first grandchild, nephew, etc... so it was really exciting for everyone, I knew that. But, I must say, it was awkward to have labor in front of everyone. Sure they were all nice about it, and asked me if they could do anything, but it was still awkward. Hopefully, you and your husband aren't going to be in that situation, but if you are, please make the choice to take it in stride. They love you, and all they want to do is to be a part of this wonderful experience.

I am one who likes to "do it all", so my plan after birth, was the same as yours.....simply bond with my new family.

My best friend called a week before the birth, knowing "my plan",and asked me to please allow my wonderful family to be there when they wanted. She said that if I "learned" early to take any help, then I will be a better mother.

Well, in a nutshell, she was right! Sure they came over, but they were naturally respectful to call first....always, which is something they didn't do before I delivered. A loving family understands you, and knows when to respect your privacy. I bet it won't be as bad as you think.

You don't want your family to "feel" like you don't want their help, because then they might not offer it later, especially when you really need.

My advice, please let them be "overly excited", and sure they should be allowed to come visit after the baby is born. If you feel better saying something ahead of time, then tell your family "I've heard that a new mom is very exhausted after a delivery, so it would be nice if I only have a few visitors at a time after we get home". They will understand, and you will all figure it out.

The thing I learned most about bringing my first born home.. was watching my mom change my sons diaper. She was such a "natural" and so loving, and I realized then, that I wanted to be like that. So, even though I didn't want them around the first week, I was so glad she was there to help "lay the groundwork" for me. A new mom can be caught up in "doing everything right", while an experienced mom is simply changing a diaper! It was nice to see how she probably was with me when I was born. She doesn't even know I felt this way, but it was very beautiful.

Please don't push them away yet. It won't be as bad as you think it will be.

Good luck to you!

:o) N.

My midwife has some hilarious stories of kicking family members out of the birthing room. But hopfully it won't come to that! When we made our phone calls (some of which were messages we left when we knew folks were out of the office, etc). We said that "we were delighted to announce, etc, etc, and that Mom and baby were very tired and we would let them know when we could handle vistors. Then we turned off the ringer on the phone and our answering machine message said something very similar. That said, some people will descend upon you regardless. Next time around I plan on spending ALOT more time in bed, and shooing people out so baby and I can "nap" if they overstay their welcome. Unless they are cleaning your house, my opinion is that more than 15 minutes is too long!

Before the birth I would also "confide" in your mom, in-laws, etc. that you worry people will come over before you are ready ir without asking your husband if you are up for visitors. You can imply that it is other people that you are worrying about, as you KNOW they would be too considerate to do something like that!

Good luck and sleep when the baby sleeps.

First of all you are the mommy and get to do whatever you want. That being said really think about it. I know my husband and I needed some bonding time with our daughter but here are the few things I can tell you... For first time grandparents aunts uncles etc. The experience of seeing the just newborn baby is irreplaceable. They will be hurt if denied that so be prepared if you choose that route, its still your choice but I do think its important to keep in mind that family bonding is also important. The extended family will not be there for every moment like you so for them to feel part of the experience might be handy for you when you need an extra hand. A second thought also is that you may want to compromise and let them visit in the hospital and then ask for settling time at home for a few days before the visitors come and limit the first week or so to shorter visits from immediate family only, and then make sure to be clear to other loved ones that you look forward to a visit and want them to share your joy but you want it spread out most people past proud grandparents are very understanding about giving you space to let you adjust and bond with your newborn. You could also try the approach if your husband has paternity leave of asking that as a favor to you that people save their help and visits until he goes back to work since I guarantee you will be majorly overwhelmed when he does. One last thing... Leave it all open you never really know how you will feel until that wonderful baby pops out! Good luck and enjoy!

Good luck. I really don't see how they won't all be hurt.
I do understand tho. On the other hand, I'm a new grandma & would need to be with the new little one even if just for a few minutes. Maybe they can come for a short visit & tell them you are tired & you three just need a couple of days alone. It might go off better if they get to meet him/her then leave you in peace for a couple of days. I do wish you the best.

In Japan the new moms are waited on hand and foot by "relatives" and the moms and babies just spend time bonding and getting to know each other, getting used to the new rhythms. Check it out....there must be something about it online.I wish I had done something like that. Trust your mothering instinct......babies love being in a safe quiet environment for quite awhile after birth...and that sometimes mean not being exposed to lots of different people and emotions.
P..

Hi Kathy,
As I was reading your post it brought me back to when we brought our baby boy home almost 3 years ago. Everything that I had planned for the birth just didn't happen and I ended up having to let go of the feeling of wanting to control everything and go with the process. I think that was my first lesson of motherhood!!! That aside, I do understand where you are coming from. Our family and friends visited during our hospital stay and I truly enjoyed "sharing" him with everybody. I had idealized what it was going to be like bringing him home but because I had a c-section I truly needed the help because my husband was having to work long hours. In tears and exhausted, I actually let my mother sleep with him the first night we brought him home. Never in a million years did I think that would happen! I can honestly tell you that nothing was going to stand in the way of us bonding. To this day his life is all about "Mommy." With extended family I did have to put my foot down and just flat out tell everyone that I wouldn't be up to having visitors for a couple of weeks - my dr. gave me permission to blame it on him. People seemed to be respectful and understanding. As far as your husband goes, he might be feeling the same way. I would ask him to support you on this and tell everyone you'd like time home alone with the baby initially - a week or so. Then if you're feeling up to having visitors you can call people to come over sooner. Not to alarm you but it was about two weeks until everyone came over to see our son and when they did I still freaked out! I think I had a panic attack - all I could think was, "stop touching him!!!!!" I had to leave the room and get some air. But that was the only time I ever felt that way and I think it's a natural reaction. Hope this helps. Enjoy your baby!!!!!