My mom lives 15 minutes away. We see her at least twice a week. She is the Grandparent that SPOILS the kids and is all bout fun. That's fine with me- I realize that it is pretty normal for grandparents to be that way. It hasn't always been okay with me, I'm pretty strict and want things a certain way but over the years I've learned to pick my battles.
Anyways, we get together for some dinners and outings and sometimes she babysits. We have four girls ages 3, 4, 6 and 7 (almost 8). My mom requests that she wants one-on-one time with each of them. The kids REALLY look forward to this time. She usually takes them for ice cream, buys them stuff, etc... and if it is even just time with my mom at her house, they still have a blast.
WELL, my oldest one has been difficult recently. For ONE example: She was disrespecting me and her dad yesterday on multiple occasions. So we had her in time-out and writing lines ("I will not disrespect my parents" etc), but we had to go somewhere and she wasn't done writing so we had her take the pencil and paper with her to finish in the car. WELL, we find out she has written her name -big letters- on her brand new booster seat (of course, she knows better!). This is just one example... there have been many this summer... ugghh.
Anyways, my mom has been wanting "special time" with the oldest specifically, and I keep cancelling it due to her misbehaving. Respect is also a HUGE issue with her and my mom- she disrespects her all the time (I'm assuming cause she doesn't take grandma too seriously cause she's all about fun, etc...) Well, my mom is pretty understanding about the fact that I keep cancelling, but now my mom had mentioned to me today that I shouldn't take away time from her with the oldest JUST because she has been bad. I told my mom that her hanging out with the kids is like a big REWARD to them...
Also, meanwhile, my daughter KNOWS I will cancel if she misbehaves, and she still misbehaves... sooo...
What do you moms think? Am I right?
Thanks for your ideas and honesty.
She gets PLENTY of time with grandma already, BTW... she sees her at least twice a week anyways (I mentioned that). She hasn't seen her other grandparents for over a year. So, I definitely don't think I'm taking away love or a relationship at ALL. I do like the re-evaluating of consequences. THAT being said, I could explore a no-frills visit, it is just my mom is VERY not that kind of person. I could talk to her about it, though...
I do a lot of what you all suggested that I didn't mention cause my request was getting too long. I hardly ever have her write lines... It was just busy work, I know that.
And I TOTALLY DISAGREE with the mom that said she was left unsupervised with the pencil so it was OUR responsibility that she wrote on her chair!?!?! Now that is an INSANE idea! She almost 8, going into third grade. SHE ALREADY KNOWS BETTER! I have to stare at my 7 year old and if i don't she may go do something along the lines of a 2 or 3 year old? NO... that just dismisses ANY form of responsibility and trust for the child. I agree with the mom that mentioned the end result is raising a responsible adult. Well, just blaming objects being withing reach and a parent not staring at them (because we WERE THERE, BTW... I was driving!) does not make an excuse. Well, that guy was sitting there, and there's a knife over there, I stabbed him cause the cop turned his back? Hell no.
I DO agree with moms that said she was misbehaving for attention and I DO agree with the mom that said there should be natural consequences (For example, as soon as she got home, she cleaned it off).
Thanks to everyone!
I think I would find a different thing to take away, or a different type of discipline altogether, since taking away visits with grandma isn't working anyway. Time with grandma is important to both of them, so I would let her go to the next visit.
Here goes, I do not agree and do not think you are right - you asked remember :)
I do not condone taking away time from family as punishment. Family should be cherished, not an earned reward (if applicable - i.e, of course not with toxic/abusive family members). There are many other ways of punishment for misbehaving - once in a while maybe, but not all of the time.
I also, as a teacher, know that writing repeatedly does not have any affect either.
It seems you may need to reevaluate your punishments b/c from what you have stated, they are not working for you. You will need to find what she DOES cherish and use that. She is really testing those boundaries (which is so typical for this age) and you need to clearly define the boundaries and be consistent when she crosses them. This won't happen over night and you will need to be patient and find the right fit for her punishment, but it will happen. Good luck!
Tell your mom the visit can take place as long as it's a "no frills" visit. This means they can talk and walk and she and your daughter can do some cooking---just regular meals....no cookies or treats. No shopping, just a regular visit. Maybe your mom can speak to her about her behavior and your daughter will open up and some new information will come out.
If your mom will agree to this kind of visit, I'd let her go.
Blessings...
Rather than schedule and "take away" the activity (then there's nothing left to dangle over her head), have her "earn" the special time with grandma. Whether or not she goes is COMPLETELY under her control and NOTHING is taken away. If she earns it, she gets it (regardless of what happens on the way out the door). She needs to start seeing that there is significant reward attached to doing what is expected. Right now, she's just seeing what can be lost if she doesn't.
Decide on two specific behaviors you want to see changed (example: Following directions with no more than one reminder; Using art materials appropriately). Those expectations should be clear and stated in a positive way (tell her what you want her to do rather than what you don't want her to do). Each time she does what is asked, she gets a point. Each time she uses her materials correctly, point. Set a reasonable "points goal" for her and remind her throughout the week what she is working for.
When she earns enough points, she gets to call grandma and make the arrangements!
Sometimes, when you keep taking things away, it actually backfires and makes the kid misbehave even more, because it creates this feeling like they will never be able to be good enough so they stop trying. It's a game of self-fulfilling prophecy, and when they get in that negative cycle, they need a positive jolt to help them escape it.
Perhaps, try catching your daughter doing something good, give her some simple tasks to reward the positive behavior. Surely, there are other punishments for the poor behavior. Maybe she needs grandma time to recoup a little and get back on track?
Also, writing lines teaches nothing. Instead, have her write a small paragraph on WHY disrespecting is wrong and HOW she can be better on it and ways she can show respect. Then she will actually have to think it through.
I fear that taking special time with family away only sends the message, "If you are misbehaving, you are not loveable." Punishments should never, ever include restricting love (which equals TIME).
You could possibly restrict what she is allowed to do during said vist, perhaps tell her "You will not be able to go to the movies with Grandma because you have misbehaved" instead.
I personally wouldn't have punished my kid for writing her name on her booster seat- if a child is left unsupervised with a writing utensil, I think the responsible party then becomes the person who left them unsupervised with said utensil! (I have a seven-year-old- Newton's law applies 100% of the time!) I would have only said, it is not acceptable to write on items or furniture unless I have given you permission.
I think that it's important to find her currency and use it to your advantage and her benefit. My daughter is finally interested in money so now we are making her pay quarters every time she disrespects someone or behaves badly. Boy, does that work! She earns commission when she does her chores, does good deeds, acts of kindness, etc.
Good luck!
gramma guilt is very powerful. gramma has gotten through to my daughter on times when i couldn't. i like the no frills visit idea. she can go to grammas and still be on restriction. and have gramma talk to her heart to heart. she may open up to gramma as a confidant and tell her why she is acting out. it may help her to have somebody to talk to.
I do see both sides, yours and grandma... I do like Krista's suggestion by earning the time... that is a good lesson and at that age it will help her more to see what doing good means.
I think your mom is wonderful grandma, that is so important to have that one on one time with each grandchild. I still remembered when I was little and I got to spend the night at grandma's house, I did like sharing with my cousins (not my sisters) but I love being at my grandma's house with her...
