Visitation Issues

Is there any way that the weekends can be switched when the kids have other ativities planned? I know not all things can be changed to accomodate the visitation weekend. So if something like a birthday party can't be changed they could change the visition weekend. Just a suggestion.

It will end when those girls are 18 and she is no longer recieving CS. I'm sorry to say that but that's how it is.

I have told my ex that my son will be playing baseball this summer and that he will not miss his games because of his visitation. He lives 1 1/2 hrs away. He complained but I told him....oh well suck it up! My son's life should not revolve around him coming to pick him up once in awhile!

M.,
I think taking the words fair and unfair out when addressing this problem would help you come together with a solution.
Blessings,
S.

M.,
I don't want to sound harsh, but I am on the other side of the custody/visitation fence. I am the residential parent to my 7 y/o and her dad has visitation. I have seen my daughter suffer so much disappointment (sp) at the hands of her dad because of issues like this. In my situation, my home is the more structured one with the rules etc. like you had mentioned. She has missed out on many sporting events, school/girl scout events, and countless birthday parties simply because her dad lives about 20 minutes away from us and does not feel like taking her back and forth to these things, or does not want to lose his time with her. What he doesn't realize is the aftermath that I deal with on Monday when she comes home from school and all of her friends are talking about how much fun they had, and she had to miss it.

While I can not possibly know your entire situation, I really encourage you to look at this from the poit of view of the child. Put yourself in her shoes. Think about how you would have felt at her age if you had to deal with what she is going through. You may be missing out on your time with her, and you may be "wasting" a lot of time and gas, but take it from someone who came from a broke home herself. When she is an adult, she is going to remember who was more dedicated to making sure that her life was as "normal" as possible. My mom (whom I lived with) never took me to any of my events and never came to any of them either. The few that I do remember her coming to she was 20-30 minutes late and missed half of whatever it was. My dad on the other hand, never missed anything. He took me to all of my practices (even when it was not "his time"), all of my games, recitals etc. If I couldn't tell him about scheduling issues, then he would go straight to the coach or instructor. Today, I respect my dad and my step mom far more than I do my mother (for this and many other reasons). Unfortunately, when you are part of a blended family, there are things that are beyond your control and you just have to do your best to adapt in a way that is best for the children.
Hope this helps.

J.

Wow, it's a lot of stuff to deal with. Here's my two cents worth: I think you should let the girls go to their b-day parties and activities. Social events are important to all children, but especially girls seem to connect around sports and casual social events. I know the drive is a pain....but it's only while they are younger...this too shall pass. What you want the kids to remember is how you parented. Like someone else here posted....they will remember not attending events and dad not coming to sporting events, etc.

One of my friends has an ex who lives an hour away. He comes to EVERY SINGLE PRACTICE and every game and every activity NO MATTER WHAT! And you know what? ALL OF US who have ex's are envious! (Not that she enjoys seeing her ex all that much... but the point is....the KID is happy!) He sees both parents (and one step) as being a team and involved in his activities.

Good luck.

I just wanted to say that I felt like you were talking about me in this situation. I am divorced and my girls (ages 8 and 5) go back and forth, but it's about a 30 minute drive (still far away enough to be annoying). They are very active in activities and have lots of friends. I really don't mean for their activities to cut into time with their father, but it is so hard to coordinate everything. Also, many things come up last minute or I just totally forget until a few days before. All I'm saying is that the mom may be well intentioned, but it's difficult to juggle all the kids' their activities and to remember to tell their dad. I usually try to email him as soon as I find out now because this has been his complaint in the past.

The one thing we don't struggle over is child support. I opted not to have him pay me child support, but instead just split the cost of all activities. We buy our own food, shoes and clothes for them. It is a little unfair on gas because I do way more of the driving, and my current husband complains about that. I just don't feel the need to fight with my ex over it, so I leave it alone. He currently has the girls on his off days, which rotate (my girls are homeschooled which helps). He takes them about 3 days and then I get them for about 4 or 5 days.

My suggestion is that you try to form the best relationship as you possibly can with the mother. If you are super nice to her, she may be more willing to work with you. I know I am much more willing to work with my ex if he is being nice, like meet him half way somewhere or even sometimes go and pick the girls up if they have a birthday party or something I really want them to attend. The more open the communication with their mom, the more you will be able to plan. Also ask their mom for copies of their sports schedules and activities whenever possible. Email is a nice way to communicate if she is difficult to talk to. Good luck!

You probably don't want to hear this but... your stepkids didn't choose to be divorced and they didn't choose to have a dad who lives so far away. If it's too much to drive back and forth to accomodate their activities, then move closer. You cannot deprive them of activities in which they would have otherwise participated simply because their dad lives far away. I've been a stepmother twice and it isn't easy but if you want to talk about "fair", talk to the kids - they can tell you what isn't fair. Child support is for the support of children and probably isn't half of actual living costs - don't begrudge the fact that you have to spend $ on extras - just be grateful that you have it to spend. As far as receiving notifications, how about setting up some sort of electronic calendar so the kids can keep it updated - if they're old enough to party, they're old enough to keep you informed of their weekend events.

What really isn't fair is that these girl's lives were torn apart by divorce. This is not something they chose, but all of the adults in this situation did have a choice. I am not divorced but a lot of my children's friends deal with time between parents. I see the disappointment on their faces when they cannot particiapte in an event or a party because they have to spend the weekend away. One little boy missed a Spring Break vacation to Florida because it was his Mom's turn, while his step brother's and sisters went to the beach. All I am saying is think of the girls first and remember how important the children's events are to them. The adults should be going out of their way to make life as normal as possible for the kids.

I'm also the stepmom, and we also get lots of last-minute information about parties and school activities. I totally know where you're coming from.

However, I completely agree with Jamie F, and I feel very fortunate that my husband takes the high road on this. He attends every practice and game, every school activity, coaches their teams, does lunch monitor duty on his lunch hour, etc -- whether it's "his time" or not. (And he has 4 children + my 2, so this isn't an easy task.) Believe me, a parent's efforts (or lack thereof) don't go unnoticed by the kids.

The bottom line is that children shouldn't have to miss activities because their parents are divorced, and chose to move 45 minutes away from each other. I know it's frustrating to deal with this stuff, but it's the reality of a blended family.

M.,

I could write you a book, but let me say being a step parent is the hardest job in the world. I have been the step mom, the evil exwife and now I'm once again a step mom. The first thing I will tell you is you can not control or get the exwife's cooperation. OK, with that said, you and your husband will need to work and communicate (constantly) with your step daughters. Again, you can not control/change the mom, but you CAN teach the girls your (and husbands)expectations from them. Let them know they are loved and part of a great family and their presence is very much wanted. Their lives are going to become more and more social w/school & friends and you do not want to restrict that time, but THEY need to start working with you on planning. If they want to go to parties, movie's, shopping w/friends there needs to be some guidlines about asking in advance and understanding you'll do your best, but sometimes it may not work out. As for the driving, you are going to have to bite the bullet here. Kids social lives are typically based around where they go to school and if you live out of that area (your choice, not theirs) you need to expect to do a lot of driving. The good news is one daughter will be 16 before you know it and be able to drive herself (scary i know). Also, keep the big picture in sight these next few years are a small piece of the life time you are building with your husband and family. At the end of the day you want happy, healthy kids that enjoyed their childhood & family and want to come back and spend time with you & their dad. I do think they will come to resent their time with you if they are not allowed to participate w/their other social circle but it's ok to make some rules around how often, how much notice and if it's really important, maybe they (not you) can ask mom for help on transport. If in the event you ever get to a stand-off and they refuse to visit, remember you're the adult even if they don't visit you, you can still be there for them, go to their games, take them to dinner but don't give up on them and don't step out of their lives. They might not know how to ask you to come back in . Hang in there, if there is love understanding and lots of communication, you'll make it !

me:married 1st love @28 he had 4yr son & evil exwife, divorced @ 39 w/2daughters he remarried and I became evil exwife (his opionion not mine). Now 49 and finally remarried to a wonderful man w/2 teenagers (he has custody) and yes another evil exwife. My daughters are 20 & 16.

What you're going through is not easy or black and white. There's always going to be that gray area, and someone's always going to have to take the high road. Although I was the mom in this type of situation, I can very much understand your situation. It gets especially hard when the children become teenagers. They have developed their social circle, along with the sports and other school activities. My ex-husband and his wife were not very good about providing ample notice either, and it became very frustrating. In fact, there were times when it was their weekend, but I was asked to come pick kids up and take to practices because his wife just didn't feel like doing it, but it was acceptable for my husband to do it (much like what you're going through - my husband would understand).

But, to try to give you a little insight into the teenage situation and upcoming party. Driving 45 minutes with the gas prices can really take it's toll - besides the time involved. However, a teenager might not necessarily understand that part of it, even if it is explained. All they understand is that they aren't allowed to spend time with their friends during the weekends with you and your husband. She may become resentful and not want to come for the weekend visitation. Believe me, I know first hand watching my husband and remembering our situation what kind of sacrifices are made, but when a teenager feels that a parent and step-parent are supportive and will make that sacrifice it strenghtens the relationship. It happened in my house. We took the high road, and it really paid off. My daughter is 24 now and getting married in September. Her father and my husband will walk her down the isle. Why? Because she felt he was as much a part of her life and as much of a father to her as her own dad.

I don't know if I have helped, but I wanted to let you know that you're never alone. Having this type of family is very hard work. God Bless you and your family.

I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't end. Not now and not when the children are grown up. There are graduations and weddings and grandchildren that you will attending along with the childrens mother. I know it is not fair because I have been dealing with it too. Me and my husband are the "Bad Parents" and I can tell you one thing...the childrens mother is trying to "control" you and your husband by the last minute details. Trying to push you and push you and trying to make you angry so that would give her a reason to not have you see the kids. I know it is so very frustrating and aggravating, but try to stay one step ahead of her by planning to be side-lined by last minute notifications and details. Don't let her get the best of you and most of all, don't say anything bad about the mother in front of the children. Karma will win in the long run.

Hi M.!

This is all so so familiar to me. We have all of the same problems. We just had this exact problem with a birthday party weeks ago. We decided to teach my step-daughter that family comes before friends. Therefore, she was going to miss the b-day party. Her mother told her that it was rude to miss this child's party, etc and fueled the fire. We are always the bad guys. However, we suggested that my step-daughter do something special with this friend at another time but since the family plans were made first, that's how it goes. (We found out about the party the Wed before the weekend.) My step-daughter said "but she's my best friend" - and we explained that if she were your best friend, you would have been invited to the party long before the Wed before the weekend. My husband told her not another word about it and when we picked her up...there wasn't (luckily).

Hope this helps and bless you (I know how hard it is! :)
L.

You are going through the exact issues I went though in the 1980's. My comments, on the "legal" side, are based on Indiana divorce law at that time, and you should check with your own lawyer. At that time, court ordered visitation for the non custodial parent was his/her time and the non custodial parent could not deny or dictate what the other did on his weekend. However, as loving parents, you do not want to deny your child their activities. I totally agree it is rude for her not to inform you, but that's her immaturity and way of "getting" at the two of you. Don't allow her to play these games and ruin your life, for us, we just went with the flow and our personal life was better. Was it hard to do, SURE, but we felt better not letting her get at us. And sometimes we didn't see the kids for the whole weekend. That's the life of noncustodial parents, unfortunately. For us, once the ex realized we weren't getting upset, she changed her tune. There are things in life you just can't control, and IT WON"T LAST FOREVER !! Yes, when you are the non custodial parent, your life is dictated by the divorce if you don't have custody. Don't give your children memories of fighting with their Mom or denying them their friends. We too lived a distance away. Sometimes we would just take the kid(s) out on Friday night in their town, and return them afterwards. Many times they were returned on Saturday. Sometimes we picked them up Sat night and returned them Sunday night. We wanted to see the kids, but we also wanted them to have a regular a childhood as possible. Its not their fault the divorce happened or the parents live far from each other.

If you choose to deny them their activities on your weekend, I would consult your lawyer first regarding your State laws. Plus do you want to deal with the consequences from the ex and the children??

Some States now require that the parents share the driving, because this cuts down on these exact issues.

We lived 1 hour from the kids; you don't say how far away you live, and if you're talking 2 or more hours, then I think its a bit different situation. You state you just moved?

Is counselling an option?

We never gave extra $; just paid the child support in a timely manner. Its based on salary of both, so why pay more when you have your own children to support?

Depending on your State, child support probably won't change unless there's been a change in salary, again each State has their own laws.

Just remember the actions you do now, the children will always remember. The children are the innocent bystanders.

You state you have children of your own, divorce??. How would you feel if your child had an activity with friends and your x said he couldn't go?? How would you feel, as a teen, if your parent said you couldn't go to a party but had to go sit at Dad's house??

Again.... ITS HARD to be the non custodial parent when the x is such a ________. I"ve been there..... but deal with it in a MATURE MANNER, don't stoop to the ex's immaturity and games she's plays with you. She is hurting the children, not you.

I feel for you, we have 6 kids and dealing with 2 ex's, going through custody issue's, my husbands ex just moved a few weeks ago an hour away, did not notify us with enough time, did not notify the courts and they have an agreement not to move out of the county we live in. She tries to schedule bday parties and sleep overs all the time. She loves control. Put your foot down, don't let her go to the bday party, so what if she gets mad she'll get over it, it's your time with her not her mom's. Pray and ask God for peace.

I know exactly how you feel. My stepdaughters are 21 and 17 now, but when they were younger we had the same issues. I recommend looking at the ohio.gov website and seeing for yourself what visitation guidelines are. You and your husband are entitled to uninterrupted time with your children and she is required to give you notification as soon as she realizes plans are being made. It's great to make the effort to allow them to choose activities and social events, but family time is just as important. I would tell the girls they need to ask your husband before they make plans for "his" weekend. They may miss out on a few events, but in the long run they will respect both of you for taking an interest in seeing them and being a family unit. As to the child support issue, KEEP ALL RECEIPTS! Even if you pay for a field trip, school supplies, or extra clothes. We paid thousands of dollars that we didn't need to over a ten year period (but we enjoyed helping the girls). We paid for half of alot of things like sports, girl scouts, field trips, school supplies, etc... this is all covered by child support. Don't get manipulated into thinking you owe more than what is necessary. We would have been better off having a review than paying for half of everything else. Good luck and keep praying!

I would advise to "switch" weekends since the kids have a lot going on on "your" weekend. Also, have your husband call earlier in the week to talk to his kids to find out if they have things they need to be at when it is "his" weekend. That's all part of being divorced and having visitation - if the kids are involved in extra curricular activities, it's the parents who are responsible for having them there (no matter who has them that weekend). The kids should not have to give up what they want to do just because their parents are divorced. If your husband could possibly ask his ex to let him know about events in a timely manner, then they both could and would be able to plan their weekends, etc. If he really wants visitation with his kids, then I wouldn't think 45 minutes away whould be a problem - he and his ex should be flexible - maybe meet halfway to exchange kids-???

Plan and simple let her stay at home that weekend and stop responding to last minute bull**** me and my husband went through that before to and it takes time but the ex will straighten up because she needs you more than her spitful heart wants to admit; as far as the review stop doing extras are you crazy???!!!!! You are already doing what the law allows one and two she doesn't appreciate the extra!!!!! Unfortunately the kids might hurt a little from this but that will eventually pull the bitter lady around and stop all the games; she must be lonely......................... M. d god bless and more power to you

My ex and I have the "co-parenting" realtionship that they tell you in court to work out........it took us a while but we're doing great!
Now about the b-day party and sporting event, as soon as we get an invitation, or "schedule", we look at the calendar, if the event falls on his daddy's weekend he has to call his dad to see if he can attend....yeah the same thing (respect) that he would get if we lived together.
I'm sorry I know raising 2 teenagers is hard........but she (mom)is NOT following the parenting guidlines, and is totally disrespecting your husband. The best thing that we did was to get together (my husband, me, ex, and his wife) and do some casual counseling, and re-evaluating communication,respect, etc issues. (cheaper than an att. fee haha) Once mom starts showing respect towards dad, hopefully the kids will follow by example....and you won't be the "bad" house anymore!
Good luck!
Lea

M.,
Divorce may end a marital contract- but rarely does it mend the emotional issues that accompany it.

What you need to remember is that regardless of the financial ties to your husbands other life, the common thread is the children, and there needs to be a united front as amicable as possible for their sake.

As they get older- visitation changes; especially when they beome preteen (as you already know)
- when they get more socially involved. They would rather be at the party- regardless of who's weekend it is.

Is there any possibility that some of these events really do 'pop up' with little advanced warning? I know they do at my house. If there is a conflict with my son's father, then we negotiate additional time during the weerk, or I give him a day from my weekend. The bottom line is- it;'s not about us-it's about our son having 2 parents who put their emotional differences aside in order to create peaceful transitions for him.

We even talk about keeping our ways of doing things similar so there is not a 're-adjustment' when he comes home or goes there. My son has a step mother but she refrains from getting into any interactions that involve my ex and I.(gratefully)

I know that isn't easy- and it doesn't work for everyone- but some of this may be handled with some family counseling, or some loving, peaceful face to face negotiation.

Puttting severe rules in place at your house because you feel that the ex is too leinient is not going to change anyone- it hist makes it that much harder on the kids. Don't make them choose their allegience- you will lose.

The time they will be coming for vistation will be short, how can you create peace in this division?

It is never easy for anyone when custody and parenting issues clash. My advice is to let the daughter not come to your home this weekend. Allow her to do her sporting event and go to her friends. Of course her mom will have to agree to care for her then.

I would also set a rule, in a kind way, that for the two families to run smoothly, you need a weeks notice if anything is going to change. Tell the girls to tell their friends that if they are going to want to do anything on "your" weekend, they need to know ahead of time so they can see if it will work out for everyone.

Most of all, I would try hard not to count who gets the girls on the weekends. At this age, especially 14, they are starting to really hang out with their friends. While I think it should be extremely important for them to spend time with their "other"family, I would ease up once in awhile so that you aren't the bad parents in their eyes.

You have a tough situation on your hands. I hope I am not out of line here, but I hope that you don't comment to the girls remarks about their mom. This will just push them away, and you will never be able to have a good relationship with them.

I wish you the best...

R.

My spouse and I are going through the same thing!!!

The daughter is 13. The lawyers have said in Indiana, the father has little to say if they are not the custodial parent, the child at the age of 13 can decide where she wants to go. Like you we go the extra mile, school clothes/supplies and cell phones,plus child support. We too are the parents with rules (allowance and family meals), which she does not get at home. She is in sports and has some family or friend function every other weekend or has to stay home to babysit her younger brother. Everything else was always more important then spending time with her father. The mother never cared or encouraged her daughter to spend time with dad. We have not seen her since we through her a birthday party in Oct. 2007. We did not even get to see her for xmas- because mom had other plans for her every weekend in December.
We were told that if we pursued anything in the courts, mediation would be the furthest the judge would do. We asked the mother if we could go to counseling, but she felt that was not needed.
My spouse was flexible and let the mom do her thing with the daughter, but that has come back and bite him in the butt. Don't be so flexible. Your time is your time. Does the child understand that it is important to spend time with the other parent?
good luck....

I am a chiild of divorced parents and I want to try to help you from the child's point of view. It is not her fault that her parents live 45 minutes away from eachother, that fault belongs to one of the parents. She should be able to participate in the normal activities of a teenage girl. I would suggest only taking the younger one this weekend if that is what works out best. As far as the mother being rudein not letting you know of things until the last minute, I think that an 11 and 14 year old are old enough to let their dad know of their activities on their activity schedule. If they are going to be with Dad when something comes up, then he is the one who should be granting the permission and helping to work out the arrangements. once you put it in the hands of the girls, if they aren't telling him then maybe he will feel more comfortable saying no to different things when they aren't giving proper notice. As far as the child support is concerned, she may get screwed and get less money if your kids are now his dependents as well. The law dictates what the amount is and you have to beaccepting about that. You wouldn't want to get less support thatn you are supposed to for your children. And if it increases, you can cut out the extra you spend justifying it with the increase ordered by the courts. If the kids ask and complain, put the fault where it lies, in the mother's hands. You honestly tell the girls that their mother is getting more court ordered child support and the extra money is now going directly to her so if they need something she needs to be the one to provide those items. Living expenses, schooling, food and clothing are all included in what the court estimates as need. If you need to talk more or have questions, feel free to email me again.

Your stepdaughter is old enough that she doesn't have to come to your house every other weekend. I have 4 stepkids and once they hit the teenage years, we pretty much allowed them to spend their weekends where they wanted to. For the most part, they still stayed with us but when a situation like yours arose, we let them decide if they wanted to stay home with their mom and stepdad so that they could go to their friends' houses. Even though our relationship with their mom and stepdad wasn't the greatest, they agreed that the kids could decide. But like I said, they still spent most of the weekends with us. We did ask them if we could see them on our weekend and maybe just take them out to dinner or so. Anyway, this way, we avoided many heated discussion and angry outbursts from the kids.

First of all, Why are you and your husband not going to his daughters sporting event? If the birthday party is a really close friend of hers she should be allowed to go to the party. Either you guys should take her or maybe she should stay with her mom. You will probably always have issues with the mother but that is not the girls fault. They are in the middle of it all. Thats is what happens when people marry other people that has kids. They should be just as important as yours and yours together.

M.-
I too am a step mom and we had to decide when to put the kibosh on some events because family time is more important then social especially when a 40 min drive is involved. If there are several commitments ie sporting events that take away from family time during our weekend, then social visits are limited and sometimes not an option. at first our child balked at such ideas. But, we explained that time with them ( the child) was important to us, we valued them as a person and valued every moment and we and they needed this time together. we have stuck to it and while the child is sometimes bummed, they, more then you would think respond no to parties after busy weekends because they value their time wiht us too. Usually though, if that is done it is a big family meal at the dinner table, something every likes, lots of stories, sometimes a movie afterwards or riding bikes together- really fun things with family as the focus.

I actually got this "advice" when I was coaching and my team managers father lived out of town. If there was an event ( since she was not aplayer) on his weekend, they apologized but she was not able to attend.... it was dads weekend, end of story and Mom supported this. Obviously they had a very good working relationship.

M.,
There is nothing fair about being a step parent. Unfortunately the custodial parent always gets her way. I have a 15 yo step son. I know for us when he has things that he wants to do (we live about 30 min apart) we tell her to keep him home. Then if we choose to make up the time we schedule it on a weekend when there aren't events planned. Sometimes we don't make up the time. I have 15 and 13 year old daughters. They don't really spend much time with him because of the person that he is. My girls are into sports. They are both on the school teams the majority of the school year. He thinks he is in a gang. He wears his pants around his knees, nasty hats on sideways ect. He lives and goes to school in an inter city district and my girls go to a very small public school in a farm community.

I just wanted to add about the child support review, there has to be a certain amount (I believe it is 15% but I can't recall for sure)of difference in the incomes for them to change the amount. If there isn't it will stay the same. If she elected to be unemployed it shouldn't change at all. My husband's ex tried that too. She hasn't worked in over 3 years! I just can't wait for the next 3 years to be over so that we can quit paying! Also, if there is some sort of problem you can also get your support put into escrow so that you don't fall behind but she doesn't get the money when you do that, at least until it is settled.
Best of Luck to you. I know first hand how difficult it can be to deal with the ex and the children.

M.,

I have been a part of my step-kids lives for 13 year but only their step-mom for the last 4 yrs. I know exactly what you are going through. It is rough. Sometimes I think it is harder than being a mom of your own child. I issues with the mothers of the children too. I think that there is just a stigma about the step-parent being the bad person. I know my step-kids think that- or did when they were younger. I run a very strict house. I have rules that their mothers don't have and I stick with them. If you don't they will think they can do as they please. But on the subject of the birthday part- maybe you should talk to the daughter and see if she just wants to stay home for the weekend since she does have to go back early. Explain to her why you are asking and make sure that you tell her it isn't because you don't want her but maybe it would just be easier for her and then see if the mother will let her come the following weekend- if not just let it go. Teenagers are always wanting to spend time with their friends. Let her decide- then it is taking the control away from the mother and giving a little bit to the child- she is old enough to make those decisions. But there also needs to be a little communication with the mother as well. Also a piece of advice that I learned the hard way, let it be between the father and the ex-wife. Let them work it out. The more the step-parent gets involved in situations like this the harder is will be on you. I am not saying stay out the child's life but when it comes to custodiy and visitation let them work it out- it is their child and they need to come to terms. By all means be there for the step-child and make sure that they know you are there for them but let the parents work out everything else. My oldest step-son couldn't stand me when he was younger- now he's 16 and we get along great, can't walk in the house or leave without giving me a hug and kiss on the check. The oldes girl just moved in and we get along great. The other 3 call me mom. It will all work out for the best it is rough but it will work out. But this is something that the parents need to work out- not the step-mother. By the way- it is great that you go beyond the child support, however, in the courts that is just considered gifts. They don't consider that as extra support. Even if you have receipts it is still classified as gifts. Been there and done that.

Hope everything works out for you.

You can ask all you want that the mother give you notice but there's really nothing you can do unless she is willing to work with you. It is her only way of control. In a perfect world she would give you notice and you could plan around it but lets face it...that aint gonna happen. Like the others said your step-daughter is old enough to miss this weekend for these events. Go to her sporting event to watch her participate (shows her you still care) and tell her "hey we would love to spend this weekend with you but we know that you have a social life to and that is great. Why dont I let you make it up to me." Say it in a light hearted and teasing way to let her know that you want the time with her but understand.
There is no sense in doing all of that driving and transporting if you are not going to have any real time with her.
As far as the extra clothes and school stuff--well that is tough. Although the mother probably is counting every dollar that she spends and that you dont....you cant keep the score card....sure it is not fair but it is about the kids and not her. As long as it is about the kids then so be it....just give it to the kids or buy it yourself. Hand the mother no money (unless the check for child support) so that you know the kids got what they needed directly. The kids know more than you think. No matter how hard the mothers try the kids know by your and your husbands actions what is what.

If she wants to take it back to court then she has to be prepared to JUSTIFY it. However, the court cannot take from your income that you cannot afford and they will not give her anything that she cannot justify and prove that it is required. She does not have all the power. She just thinks she does.

Hi M.,
Sorry to hear about your situation, have been there in similiar situations myself. Here is what I would do...
First of all...how old is the daughter who is in the sporting events? Is she old enough to pick up the phone and call when she realizes there could be a conflict? Establish that rule that if you don't know about it in a timely manner...she will have to miss the parties. I have a feeling she could be responsible and make an effort.

Next....the ex....ah gotta love em don't yah! As much as it pains to have to talk to them at times, take the higher road and ask about events. If she wont give you a calendar of sporting events, then call the school and have one sent to you. This way you can anticipate what is going to be upcoming. If it is an event she wants to just attend vs participate in, then rule number one comes into play.

It's all about respect. The ex doesn't have to like the fact that life has went on without her...it sounds like she isn't happy unless she is in control. About the time you explain it to the child that her mother didn't get the scheduled event to you in time to make plans, and she can't attend (because you don't want to set up the rules if you aren't going to follow them)then I am willing to guess some flack will be visited on the other end of the spectrum.

Finally....what are the guidelines for the non-custodial parent in the state you live? Indina states that if there is a certain mileage that must be covered for the children to visit, then both parents have to meet half way. This might save you some time and gas.

Hope this gives you some ideas...have a great day

J.

I have 2 boys, 15 and almost 20. Believe me, your lack of notification probably has nothing to do with the ex-wife. Kids do not plan ahead, and often don't know what they are doing until the last minute. With teenagers, you have to roll with the changes.

That said, it is not your stepdaughter's fault that you live 45 minutes away from her mother. I would find something to do near the party, drop her off, hang around for a couple hours, then take her back to your house. Maybe her mother would be willing to help with transportation (getting her to and from you) when things like this come up; Hopefully she understands how important it is that her daughter has a good relationship with her father.

Parties and social functions are important to kids, and you (or at least her father) should do whatever is possible so that his daughter's life is least disrupted by the choices of her parents.

M.,
Wow, it looks like I wrote this! My husband's ex loves to try and control our lives with regard to visitation. She changes the rules so that things are convenient for her. They live 45 minutes from us as well, so back and forth more than once a weekend is not an option. But, if my step-daughter misses a lot of weekend things, then we are the bad ones (even more than we already are because of the rules at our house too). I have been in her life for 11 years (she is 12) and things never get any easier! At times, it does tend to consume you about the money and their moods, etc... I wish I had advice. Maybe we should create a step-mom club and try to figure some of these things out together. I just can't wait for 6.2 years to pass so that we don't have to deal with this anymore!!! My son (3) and daughter (8 months) love her to death, so we try to work around things, like her dance next Friday. We will pick her up Saturday morning and she will just come for one night. Oh well! Crazy ex's! Don't ever let her see you sweat, guess that's my only piece of advice!

L.

I've been a step-mom for 17 years so I can relate. I've seen some parents work it out and swap weekends when schedules get crazy, is that an option for you? (wasn't for us but maybe it will work out with you) ... btw - what is WAHM?

First of all take a deep breath. THings like this happen when you marry someone with kids. Until the kids are grown you will more then likely have to deal with these issues. Your husband needs to be the one to deal with her. YOu and him need to make your decisions and he should be the one to tell her a thing or two. Somethings that you guys can do is tell the ex if you don't know a week ahead of time the kids arn't doing it. Also, I would limit one thing like a sport or the party because that is your bonding time with the kids. The kids need to be aware of that decision so they know what to expect if mommy doesn't tell daddy. Dealing with the ex is no picnic and we need to remember they were them before there was you. I know that seems harsh but it is the truth. These kids didn't ask for this drama. Unless the ex is in dier need of some serious mental drugs or electo-shock theropy make your husband deal with it. I hope this helps you it's about give and take and picking your battles. I wish you the best and God bless you and yours.

Just a thought, when it comes to things like sports scheduals it seems like you should get a schedual when the event starts, you can easily do this yourself a week or tow into the season even fromt eh coach if you have to go that route, and then games and such won't sneak up on you, by law your husband has right to all records schedual and contact info for all activities (in most cases anyways it should be in the papers). As for birthday parties and such, at 14 and 11 the girls are old enough to call you when they find out and say hey can i do this, since it's your weekend it's your call not mom's. they are at an age though where they are busy with thier social lives and the schedual needs to be able to accomadate that, you could always go to the game, leave with the girls after and take them back saturday, we attend all the kids' events our time with them or not and we juggle 3 visitation scheduals. anyways i'm not saying to put the girls in the middle of the visitation or the parent bs that comes up but they can be responsible for the things they want to do on your time, so hold them accountable, even if it means taht once or twice a week dad has to call and talk to them and see how things are going, it's good for the relationship to have phone contact anyways. good luck.

Been there done that. If it is your weekend to have them, they need to call DAD to ask permission. Otherwise, the answer is NO. Is it fair to the other child to have their visitation shortened? Boy does this bring back BAD memories!! And I have a sister going through this now. What if you make plans to do stuff on the weekend with them?? Mom needs to "step out" of your weekend decisions. Them making plans for your weekend is not fair to the rest of the family.

M.,
I have not been in this situation personally, but I did watch my sisters go through it. They are from my mom's first marriage which did not end well. When my parents got married my mom had custody and my parents have always had very strict rules. When they were married my sisters were 10 and 13. My sisters resented my parents when they were teenagers because of their rules as opposed to their dad that let them do anything, but now that they are adults if you ask them who their dad is they will tell you it is my dad. They respect my parents greatly for caring enough to have rules and stick to them. One of them no longer even has contact with her birth father. As for the sporting event, having been in sports myself it can affect your placement on the team if you miss it, but for the birthday party maybe you guys can set up to take her and the friend whose birthday it is out to lunch on sunday as a compromise. This way you guys have your time with her, but she sees that you care about her friends and social life. It is also a good way to get to know her friends. I hope this helps and will be praying that things straighten out soon.
Sincerely,
A.

Well I understand were you are coming from. I am engaged and we are both divorced. I have three children boy (4), girl(3) and girl(20 months). He has two girls 6 & 4. I both of our exes are terrible, but of course his ex affects us more. We have the same problems with her scheduling stuff when he is suppose to have the kids. That is if she lets him see them at all.
It has been a real hassel and I am have been ready to give up so many times. This guy is like the best ever. It is only our crazy exes that always seems to get under our skin. I would like to stay in touch more. I really need someone who understands to talk to when I feel like I am having a melt down.
I mean raising ababies alone is enough for me. I love this man, but I do not need the added stress. You can email me at ____@____.com to you soon, Jasmine in B.

BOY I sympthise with U as I am a retired old fogey with no kids at home any more BUT I can understand EXACTLY what U are going through as we my deceased wife and my self when our kids were young so be assured that there were a lot of us with the same problem years before U and we felt exactly the same way as custody mom always seemed to tell my kids that U dont have to do what THAT woman tells u even tho we were trying to teach them something .... wish U all the luck in the world U just try to keep up trying A old Fogey

M.,
Your letter sounded so familiar. As an active stepmother in a situation much like yours when my stepdaughters were young and lived in the same city, you have all my empathy. Number one, no, life isn't fair. Number two, check out the resources of the National Stepfamily Resource Center. I strongly believe that stepfamilies need all the support they can get! Your ultimate goal is to keep a strong marriage, and a family involving children of two sets of parents functions different than a nuclear family, with different expectations and different interactions.
As to your specific situation, my suggestion is to decide what works for you and your husband, let your daughter know what the choices and consequences are, and allow that daughter to choose what she wants to do. And if she chooses the party, accept it with a smile and 'have fun'. The next time she is scheduled to come over, communicate your plans to her well ahead of time so she can schedule around your activities and travel time. At 14, she is capable of doing that. But as a teenager, don't be too disappointed if she prefers time with friends to time with family. That doesn't mean the two girls have to do everything the same. If one goes to a party and then home, the other could stay through Sunday and have special time with the rest of your family.

I am a stepmom to two small children. We have the same issues with the ex. The children are not in sports but she will schedule there doctor, dentist,therapy apointments on days she knows they will be with us. We live in another town 45 minutes from her. She also waits until we are there to pick them up to let us know they are sick,(pink eye, lice,strep, etc.) we just deal with it as it comes. Not fun but nothing comes from going to court but more expence for nothing.

First, ask yourselves....What is best for the child? What would you (step-mom)do if the child(ren) were yours (from your body)? Keep the thoughts of what the ex is doing or thinking out of the situation. The children need both parents to be active in their lives with or without a 45 minute drive. Do what's right in the eyes of God and keep praying. Pray for God's love to flow through you and to everyone in your life including his ex. Pray for God to help you and your husband accept and deal with the situation as it is. You can't change the ex or the kids. It usually isn't easy being the step-parent. Ask God to show you what is best for the children. Do the best you can and accept that life is not fair.

Hi M.. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can imagine it is hard for you and your family. Although I am not in a similar situation, I came from one being a child of divorced parents so this is familiar to me. My advice would be not to tell your step daughter that she can't go to the party. This would put you and your husband in the bad books which is not something you want. Is there anyway you could swap to next weekend? or maybe just pick her up and take her this time but try to come to some arrangement directly with your step daughter (not sure how old she is) so that you can make plans ahead of time to re arrange a weekend here or there?
Not sure what else to say other than to try and hang in there and stick together. Good luck.

I too am a step mom. This is such a touchy situatio and it sucks that no matter what we do, we will alwyas be the bad ones. I guess there are 2 options. 1, let her go and do something really fun with the other one and maybe she will see that she can have fun no matter where she is at. 2, express your concerns to the mom and let her know that you can understand sporting events but maybe she can help her daughter and her friend do something else special, like her friend having a sleepover at their house the following weekend. I know this will probably only happen in a fairy tale but at least you can tell your step-daughter what you suggested that way it puts it back on the mom. Let her know that you are sorry and unless it is school related you guys will be keeping your current visitation schedule. Let the mom go to court...stop buying the cltohes and everything else, and then when she asks for something extra you can tell her that since you are not the custodial parent it is HER responsibility to provide it or to use the child support money to provide it. After all that is what child support is, right? We buy clothes for my step daughter but they stay here at our house because usually her mom will pack the most awful things for her to wear thinking we will send nicer stuff with her home! Fat chance! Best wishes.

I went through the same kind of things with my now X step children. Tell them that they have till Wed. of the week you pick them up to let you know or they forfit what they are doing. If they let you know by Wed. then decide if it's worth picking them up. You have to let them continue with there life and still give to yours. It is a hard issue to deal with a mom. Trust me I know. We had boyfriends in and out of the mom's life and protective services in and out of her life. It is rough. I don't envy you at all. I still see the kids on and off and they will come up and give me a hug and still call me MOM. That is a feeling of love. I was just the step mom and they call me mom and their own mothers (2) different ones, by their god given names. I was the stable ones in their lives.

I had the same issues with my ex husband. It is a very difficult situation and usually the kids suffer. I think the absolute worst thing you can do is not let her go to the party. She will be mad at you for it. As far as you having stricter rules at your house, stick with that!! Don't bend your expectations of them just because their mom doesn't expect the same. It's soooo hard, I know, but stick to your guns. We ran a tight ship too and his girls got mad at us for making them eat good foods and do chores, but we just explained to them over and over again that we had different rules than their mom. You're teaching them values!! And her letting you know any sooner about such things probably just won't happen. It's very rare when the relationship between exes with kids is good enough to respect each other to do such things. Unfortunately there are some things you'll just have to learn to deal with. Just try not to let his ex run the show, though she really does and she knows it. I feel for you!

You are right in that it doesn't seem fair, but if you think about it, the child gets an even rougher end of the deal. My brother in law has a lot of issues like this with his kids. Unfortunately, this is part of the deal then you become a step parent or go through a divorce. In my opinion, all that extra driving, etc, may be necessary. Yes, the ex-wife is going to do nothing to help out, but in order for the child to understand that you love her and you want her to have as normal life as possible, it may put an extra burden on you. One day, she will probably realize what all you and your husband did for her.

Unfortunately, nobody wins at this game, especially the kids, so it's usually better to suck up and do the best you can.

My prayers are with you!

Going through the exact same thing right now. Currently, the mother provides very little, if any, interrraction at all with her five year old. Legally, they have joing legal custody, but she DOES NOT FOLLOW the guidelines, make any attempt to communicate UNLESS it benefits her in some way. She does not take care of medical issues, inform of school events or ANYTHING. Refuses to allow the daughter to talk to her dad during the week, which, by law.....she's supposed to. THEREFORE......we're going for FULL LEGAL CUSTODY. NOT to take her away from her mother, but rather, have more control over situations and be able to raise the child to understand what it means to follow the rules rather than igre them and make your own, learn to deal with situations rather than manipulate people and lie, know what it means to interract with other kids and family (mother doesn't do that at ALL), etc etc etc.

When she's with us.......we go to church, church events, do things with my family, his family and other friends and their kids. We ride bikes, take walks, read, play games, etc. NONE of this happens at mom's. WE ARE GOING FOR FULL LEGAL CUSTODY just to make sure this child has a chance! We are currently working with a child custody evaluator.

The mother is dragging her feet in every way and trying to make a little effort to show that she's a mom...like all of a sudden feeding her breakfast (granola bar on the way to school) giving her baths & shampoos instead of the guy she currently lives with, etc. Anyway.......We are doing EVERYTHING we can to try and get full legal custody.

We've told the daughter that we are not trying to take her away from her mother and she can spend as much time with her as she wants. We just want to be able to see her more (mom doesn't even let dad have half the school vacations, etc that the guidelines say she is supposed to) and have a say in her education and medical situations, as well.

ITS GOING TO BE WORTH IT! DOCUMENT EVERYTHING & keep receipts and copies of EVERYTHING! We also take TONS of pictures. Initially, so that she has albums of all the things we've done, but NOW, we get to use them for other purposes. When it comes time to review, etc. you'll have lots of documentation. Note the details, including dates. The CCE says it really helps

M.,
I see you already have tons of responses and reading them was interesting for me as well. I had and occasionally still have similiar issues arise with my 12 yr old stepdaughter. Our situation is especially frustrating because we actually have more custody than every other wkend. However the court still ordered my husband to pay child support. The Mom never buys her anything she needs and we pay for everything above and beyond. My husband says this is his daughter and he won't let her go without just because her mother is a loser. She also has pulled the last minute plan deal and finally my husband told her she had to ask us by Wed before our week if they had something going on during our time. We always try to be accomadating because his daughters happiness is more important. But it comes down to common courtesy and respect. It was hard for her at first but now we rarely have any issues.When one arises we just swap a few days or the entire week. Before when my husband would say no his ex would call us back over and over yelling and crying about how unfair we were. I used to think how are we unfair when it's our time that you want to take away. Alot of ex wifes are very controlling!!But it helps to try to see this as love for their child rather than evil against you. Once you put your foot down with some guidelines and rules ( Which you are entitled to have) they seem to chill out a little. In my experience it seems that ex's will often use the Dad's love of the child to manipulate them. My husband struggles with this because he is a great Dad and dosen't want to see his daughter suffer. I always remind myself if he wasn't that way I wouldn't have thought as highly of him as I do. With all that being said. Remember things are not going to be fair, you can only control and change your home not the mom's, praying is very advisable!!
I also go to a Christian Counselor once a month for this very reason. It has helped me to stop taking the anger and frustration out on my husband. The counselor specifically lets me vent about the ex and teaches me ways to cope. I would also recommend reading the book The Smart Stepfamily.
Hope this helps! You are in my prayers!
S.