View Game Time as Being Selfish and Shirking Life Duties

I *completely* understand: My husband works part time - usually 4 hours a day (leaves for work at 10:45, and is at home at 3:30) He gets our son off the bus. When I get home - after being away from the house for 9 1/2 hours (8 hours work, hour lunch and drive time to work) he is playing the computer and my son is watching tv. Son reports he had 3 cookies after school and he's not hungry...it's just wonderful!

However, my husband does 50% of the meals (which I am grateful for) and 10% of the cleaning (he doesn't do bathrooms, vacuum, dusting, washing counters, cleaning fridges... etc etc etc..) He does, however, help with the laundry (by putting his dirty clothes in the washer then dryer -- but he says he's afraid to mess up my dress clothes so he doesn't wash mine) and he occassionally does a load of dishes. I'm THANKFUL for this help - since he is as addicted to the computer games, as yours is to his things.

My suggestions: Stop doing it all.. if you can stand it. Some days, I just don' thave the energy to do the dishes after dinner.. so I don't. It gets done the next day and thats okay. I also have made sure he's AWARE of what I'm doing. For instance, yesterday after dinner (which we both prepared), he went in the living room and sat down. I'm still in my work clothes since I had just gotten home and I start unloading the dishwasher. I asked him for his help (don't be afraid to ASK for help!!) and he was like "I just want to relax", I responded "Me too, but it needs to be done and we're adults who do things have to be done that we don't want to do, and I can't relax until it's done.". He got up and helped.

I got to this point by 1. NOT always feeling like I had to do it and letting it sit a day -- sometimes he'd surprise me and do it! 2. He'd want sex and I'd say "you know, I'd love to, but I've done this, this, this, this and this.. and I'm just too tired. Goodnight". It was true - not something I was using against him. I was just too tired to do anything else. 3. not being afraid to ask 4. Having our son ask Dad to play. My husband had NO trouble saying no to me... but he had a lot of trouble saying no to him. IF he said no and my son was out of earshot -- I'd say "thats awful selfish - a game isn't more important than your child.". Or if my son was in earshot I'd say "Jordan, I'll play with you... I was going to do the dishes, but your more important than me the dishes..."

I'm thinking that your husband doesn't think you work out of your home -- he thinks you watch a couple of kids... they aren't the same!! (as a parent, you know this - as a man, he doesn't! ).

Don't be afraid to say, "I've done this, this, this, and this... I need 10 minutes of downtime -- I'm going to go for a walk and you need to watch your children while I'm gone". (reminding him they are HIS children and his responsibility)

Also... be able to let go... (I had problems with this). Hubby'd do something and it wasn't up to my standards, so I'd do it again... He felt like "whats the point of doing it if she's going to do it again" and he stopped doing things. Don't get caught in that.

And remember, perception is half the problem -- you perceive that his game is more important.. and he perceives that you don't work as hard as you do. Both of you need a little perpective :-)

Good luck - it's not easy (as someone who was there)

Hi S.,
Sorry but you are married to a big baby. You can try a marriage therapist or put your foot down. Stop arguing and act. You don't have to justify yourself. If you don't change what you are doing, he will never change and the resentment will destroy a marriage.
I've been married 26 years and my husband, in the early years, thought he could just come home and sit. Well, stop taking care of him. Feed the kids, he can make his own dinner. Wash the kids clothes, he can do his own laundry. Go out at night and leave him in charge of the kids, they are his kids too. He is not babysitting, he is being a father. He will notice very quickly that the status quo is no longer in effect. Either he helps out or he does his own care taking. You are working full time and you are running a home. You don't owe anyone any explanation. Until you fully believe in your right to have a partner in the running of the house, you will never get what you need. Think of the example you are setting for your girls.
Good luck,
J.

Hi S.,
You sound like me 20 yrs ago. I am now a grammy, my 'kids' are 30, 28, 25. I also had a foster daughter who is now 41 and a step daughter now 40 who was with us for vacations, weekends, summers. I loved being a stay at home mom and was a licensed day care provider for several years. Kids got off the bus at my home. There was always a level of chaos, thats for sure. The kids all loved being at the house, and I loved having them there. I had no sense of organization, although we didn't have stores like Ikea or tv shows to show us how to organize. My husband (we did divorce when our kids were 5,8,10) was very absent. He worked constantly, even holidays like Christmas and Easter. I was extremely lonely. I can remember writing in a journal that all I wanted was to go for a walk on the beach with him. I have to say, looking back, that I have to be accountable for my portion of what ever 'blame' there was. I had trouble communicating with him and avoided confrontation. He was a 'yeller' and I felt embattled. It all seemed passable, until the 'recession' of the 80's and we felt the severe financial pinch. Because we couldn't communicate, we grew apart and argued over money a lot. He was diagnosed with bipolar and wouldn't take meds. So, there was a lot to it. Have you ever told him what you wrote on Mammasource? What can you do to alleviate your feeling overworked, and overwhelmed. Can you eliminate daycare and work part time out of the house (I wish I had done so). He would have to watch the kids then. Can the family join him in the games... I heard Wii is very interactive and even a good workout. You mentioned you have daughters... is he feeling like he cannot relate to girls? Does he know how important a Dad is to girls? Can he hook up with other Dad's of Girls? Everyone's situation is different. Its hard to feel alone... I've been there. I wish you the best, you have the most important job in the world.
Regards,
L.

Everyone has given good ideas, but the place I would start would be with a letter. Seriously, if you don't feel as though you're very good and communicating your needs to him verbally I'd write it down. Take some time to compose your thoughts. Think about the good things he does and then the places where he could help out and chooses not to. Explain to him how you feel and invite him to help you find a solution. Maybe give him a list of things that you need help with daily/weekly and ask him to decide which of those things he can take on.

I would take care not to attack him but to broach the subject like a problem that you can solve together that he might not be aware of. If he feels attacked, like most people, he will probably get defensive and instead of trying to solve the problem he will try to argue with you--not what you need!

The important thing is that he needs to know, in no uncertain terms, how you feel and what you need from him. He needs to accept that these responsibilities are not yours alone and that he has to be part of the solution. Otherwise I would worry about your marriage--it's not a partnership if you're not working together.

Good luck!

Hi S.,

Wow! I have felt exactly like you at one time or another. Since I had my third baby (6 mos ago) I have been staying home. I've worked outside of home all of my life, sometimes travelling, and was mostly a work-a-holic working 12 to 16 hr days. While I was on maternity leave from my job, my husband got a new job with much higher wages, and we decided that it would be ok for me to stay home with the three kids (4yo, 1yo, new born) for at least 6 months or until after my 4yo -who turns 5 in July- begins school. I have to say, this staying at home business is the toughest job I've had. There is never and end to the things that have to be done, and for some reason, things no longer seem to be as clean as they used to be when I worked all of the time. Needless to say, the first 5 months of staying home were the toughest, and I was going crazy!

My husband, like yours, enjoys playing video games, and at times, he can't stop playing until he's won. Recently, his video game pass time, has evolved into comic book reading on line, and watching TV. He's very attentive with the kids, and insists on doing his own laundry (he'll do mine if I ask). He irons his own clothing, will clean the bathroom from time to time, vaccums here and there, but I have had to fight with him on helping me with the girls at night when he comes home. He generally comes home and heads straight to the bedroom to "rest". Like you, I'm also left with dinner, dishes, cleanup, washup of kids, put kids to bed. I got so fed up, and really stressed out of not having a small break. I finally confronted him about my feelings...via a long letter to his email in box while he was at work (I knew he'd read it). I'd tried talking to him, but I could never formulate what I wanted to say, and it always came out wrong and made things worse. The long letter worked. I also started writing him little love notes every day to his email, and on occasion, hide them in his wallet or jacket pockets, for him to find later on as a surprise. The positive feedback from me has him coming home and helping more often. I also requested that he give me at least 2 nights off for me to do whatever I need to do (even lay down and relax). He's agreed to it, as long as I don't get on him about what he feeds the kids, and how he takes care of them during that time. I decided that as long as I've fed them healthy most of the day, two nights a week of snacks won't be too bad, if it lets me rest a bit. He also gets to get up with the kids one day out of the weekend, and lets me sleep in.

On writing the letter, and better communication with him: It turns out that I was asking for help in all of the wrong ways. He wasn't listening to anything I asked about him, or how I felt, mostly because I always talked about the bad things and never thanked or praised him for the things that he did do. My husband and I bought and read the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". This book has been the salvation to our marriage, sanity, and has let us fully understand each other a whole lot more. It provided me with the tools on how to write my letter to him, why he is how he is, why I am how I am, how to ask for help, etc. I do highly reccomend this book, and hope that it helps you and your husband, as much as it has helped me and mine.

Take care!

M.

OMG I know exactly how you feel. Mine comes home from work and plays around on the computer for hours while I make dinner, bathe the kids, and then put them to bed and then I come downstairs and do the dishes because as he puts it his job is making the $$$ and my job is keeping up the house and taking care of the kids. Sorry I dont have any suggestions to help you with your problem but I just wanted to let you know there are other people out there that feel the same way.

I say have the cable turned off and toss the game systems in the trash!
I would never in a million years put up with his insensitivity!
He has no right to father 4 children and then leave the nurturing to you. If this is not okay with you then it's completely in your power to make the changes you need to be happy.
If he hasn't responded to your kindly asking for his help then you need to step it up and be firm. He's has obviously placed you in a position of authority in the house by not participating in the running of the household. Use that authority to demand his involvement.
You should also plan your own activities- a mother's club, scrapbooking group etc. Make sure they meet when he is home- and tell him you are going. This will be time you need to yourself and will give him a taste of what you do on a daily basis. Make sure the time you are gone encompasses dinner and bedtime. There is no reason why a Dad can't do these things at least once a week.
My husband knows better than to pull this nonsense with me! He has his downtime- but he always gives me time to myself as well and is always there to help out with mealtimes and cleaning. I guess I just trained him well! :-)
Good luck!
-S.

Hi S., well, when my son was born 9 years ago, my then husband would not help at all either. He was very lazy after work, played video games as well, still does. I finally got tired of it and said to myself "if I'm doing all the work around the house, plus work 40 hours, then I might as well do alone. I ended up divorcing him. The resentment got to me so bad, I ended up losing my love and feelings for him. This is probably not what you want to hear, but, he won't change, if he hasn't by now, he never will. You can't change anyone when they're locked into their routine and not used to change. Hope everything goes well for you and the girl's. Good luck...B.

I know this routine only too well....., but my life is a little different but not without the boy toys and the male upbringing/this is probably what your husband did when he was growing up and his mother did all the housework and ran the house and his father came home from work and did the same thing your husband is doing...nothing but brainless video games/and watching sports on tv.
Thats what my mil did and i am expected to do the same. I hear the term i bring home the paycheck, i worked all day, well yeah what do you think taking care of our home is??????? Well you are home and i go to work. i have given up on this fight years ago and we have been together over 23years
You are going to drive your self nuts over this, see if you can make some schedule where he helps you out.
I like to go out to a craft night or a class where my husband has to watch all 3 of my kids from time to time over the years, we all need out and play time to unwind.

Good luck to you, you are not alone

Hi S.,
It sounds like Dad is addicted to these games and doesn't see how much work you are doing. I think men don't realize how much Moms do and they are very willing to relinquish control and let you do it all. Then you are the one who ends up tired and angry and resentful.
You are a full time working mom who happens to work at home. Also, you have children who are messing up the house at the same time. Maybe you can assign chores to the kids (daughters may be more willing to help--though maybe not) Also, I would consider hiring someone to help, even a teenager to do some work for you for a few hours. This is one thing that I am looking into doing. My husband travels frequently and I am left to do everything for those days he is gone. I feel like a single mom when he is gone and it is hard to keep up. It doesn't seem to get easier as the kids get older either.
Recently, I saw a short podcast of Good Morning America, it was about the work that housewives do. It said that once a woman marries her workload increases 7 hours per week, meanwhile, a man marries and his workload decreases 1 hour per week. So, yes he is shirking his duties and yes it is far from equal. Once I saw that show, I said, no wonder I feel the way I do!
I think counseling would be an option too. That would help you negotiate with him. You could see a counselor first or just go together for a while.
Also, make sure to take some time for yourself. This is one thing most women don't do. Take a few hours on the weekend and plan to do something by yourself, or even on a weeknight. Go to a store, a mall, a library, for a walk or exercise or something you like to do, so you can rejuvenate and he will have to take some time with the kids.
Hope these things help! Good luck to you and your family!

Hmm, I guess I have a different approach than most. If you do write a letter, then I'd share with him how you feel. He can't argue with that. Most men don't respond well to demands. They respond better to love, respect & gentle encouragement. I wonder if he feels you don't respect him & his contribution to the family. Calling him a "dope", though I know you probably didn't say that to him, is pretty reflective of your feelings. In general, if men don't feel respected, they have no motivation to change, whereas women tend to need to feel loved, and his lack of helping around the house is probably making you feel unloved.

Also video games are highly addictive. I'm not surprised that he gets defensive when you ask him not to play because he may have some addictive tendencies in that area.

Hi S.,
If you've already tried talking to him about it, with no positive outcome, I would really suggest getting him to agree to go to a counselor of some sort with you. From the way you describe it, you can't keep going at the pace you're going without some help. Either that, or you're going to have to hire a live-in helper, which will mean your husband will have to get another job! Just kidding about that, but really, this is just a recipe for burnout, both personally, and for your marriage. I'm a SAHM of 6, soon to be 7, with a hubby who works probably 60 hrs. a week and still finds time for one on one with each kid, and for family nights, and cooks dinner probably twice a week. And it's still exhausting for me, so I can only imagine how you feel. But the thing is, if he won't hear you, maybe you need to sit with an objective party who can help sort things out, and maybe your husband will realize the seriousness of the situation, and will hear it better from someone else. Good luck. I'll be praying for your situation.

I would suggest writing him a letter if you're not good at arguing. I know it might sound strange to some but by writing everything down you can go through it and word things the way you need to to make all your feelings known. He also can't cut you off in the conversation and make you loose your train of thought. Then after he reads it you can talk about it knowing he knows exactly how you feel on the subject.
You could also suggest conducting an "experiment". If he feels you are just being selfish then ask him to test that theory. For 1 full week no one in the family will play the play station and TV will be watched as a family during appropriate times when enough things are done and everyone does their part or after the kids go to bed. Hopefully he'll notice a difference in that week and will continue to reduce the game time afterwards. By making it the whole family it won't seem like you're treating him like a child and grounding him.
Before my divorce I was a SAHM of 2 with the 3rd on the way and had similar problems with my ex (amongst many others!). Good luck!

Wow! I feel for ya girl! It's such a hard situation because as mothers we are almost expected to do the majority (if not all) the things for our children, while men seem to get all the breaks and down time that they want.... Without the guilt.
What I have learned in this situation is not to be an enabler. It's hard because we some how take it amongst ourselves to be super mom and just "do it" instead of asking for help. so instead of running around like a chicken with your head cut off say,"honey the table needs to be set, could you do it please?" or so and so needs a bath could you please go run the water? If he still won't help you after you've asked him nicely I would go over and unplug the damn tv, but that's just me..lol.
I wish you luck with this matter! Just remember you deserve help with your girls... he was there to help you create them he should be there to help you take care of them!

Hi S.,

I can empathize with you very much. I have two boys and my third child is clearly my husband – no doubt !
My boys are 5 and 3 and VERY active.
In a very weird way – I did not trust my husband to watch the boys, in fact men – no harm – simply can not do mothering as well as women, especially the ones with semi-blinders on.
My suggestion to you – let some stuff go.
I have learned to really enjoy being with my family while the laundry, dishes, overall neatness just back up. When my husband noticed it – he would point it out, I would indicate I simply am doing the best I can and if you would like to help it – then take care of it yourself.
I no longer have dishes in use – paper and paper cups – he dirties a dish he cleans it or it stays out and eventually smells. He actually dished out breakfast one morning, neglecting to put anything away….later that night an open bottle of milk was still on the island and when he asked about the smell – I said check that bottle (nasty face), then I said – oh you know I think that was out since this am.
He was so upset that he ran out of clean underwear – he started doing the laundry.

We as good moms and better wives take it all on – girlfriend push back a bit – you will see changes. Men, in general just do not ‘get it’ ! Also, leave him with all the gals for a dinner with friends….although the house will be in shambles, kids a mess (but not bloody) and he will have done some stuff ….each month you do that – he will take on a bit more. My guess is do not let on to him what you are doing – then he will figure a way around it – but that is anther story !

Pick a time and sit down at night – call it a day and what is not done, is not done – of course doing his things last.

Hope some helps – best of luck !

Dear S.,
I know how you feel. When my kids were preschool age, I used to resent my husband who was gone at work all day and then 2 evenings a week would go play tennis. Like your husband, in the evenings sports would be on T.V. and he'd chill in front of it. I realized four things that helped me through that difficult time:
#1 What I really want from him is to feel appreciated, for him to notice how hard I'm working. When you stay-at-home, there is no boss or co-workers to praise you, no advancement, no awards to show what a great job you're doing. Basically, either that kind of notice/praise comes from your husband or you don't get any reassurance that you're doing a good job til your kids are grown up and well-adjusted, stable, happy adults. Tell your husband that's what you want!
#2 You can't change him. No amount of nagging, discussion, tears, game-playing, withholding sex, or demands will change him. In fact, those things will make everybody in your family miserable. Instead, just state once how you feel when he does _______ and what you would prefer. If he doesnt' choose to help out after that, try marital therapy or individual therapy. Don't wait til this issue has rotted your marriage!
#3 I had to realize and appreciate all that my husband did do for our family - he was the primary breadwinner. That's a huge responsibility. I had to view what I did as my job and what he did as his job. Yes, being a mom is 24/7 and that often didn't seem fair since his job was only 9 hours/day, but at least I could focus on just being a mom. The more I appreciated him for his hard work, and let him know it, the more he seemed to appreciate all I did.
#4 Men handle stress differently than women. Most men "cave" their feelings - they go catatonic watching sports or play sports as a way of dealing with their stress. That is necessary for them just as it's necessary for most women to "vent" our stress to someone. If men don't get that time to chill or feel like wives want to take it away from them, they'll just go catatonic and distance themselves from us all the more.
Try to remember that this time in your life is temporary. It is difficult, but it will pass. Now that my kids are school age, the family dynamic has shifted and my husband and I are much more in sync and happy. I wish you all the best!

Break the TV. (I'm only partially kidding)

Men don't multitask like women do so it's hard for them to see what needs to be done. You may want to try a "chores" list and divvy up tasks for him to do, just like you would with the kids. How about getting him to coach/assist your daughter's team? (I have a friend who was a huge ballplayer and has turned a lot of that attention/time to coaching his own daughter.)

I would also talk about how it's important to limit screentime (computer time, TV, video games) with the kids. For example, say that they will get only 1-2 hours of screen time per day. In order to set a good example, you both need to do the same. Camping out in from of the screen sets a bad example for children. Period. I know this is probably how he 'relaxes', but suggest a walk with the kids after dinner, an outing, etc. He can always veg out once the kids are in bed. Next week is "Turn off the TV week" so it would be a good reason to start!!

You said you find it hard to argue and stick up for yourself. You are doing this for your KIDS. Since you have daughters, it is very important that they don't see their mommy as frustrated and resentful, and experience a mutually-respectful relationship at home. How would you feel if your daughters married a guy that mirrored that behavior?

I hope all works out. Good luck to you.

unfortunately I think that this is the ongoing argument in all marriages. I agree with some of the other responses about making him do his own laundry.

I would also require at least one night a week a family dinner night where everyone has to be at the table and help out with dinner and setting the table. You could also try a family board game night or movie night. He might be more willing to stop the playstation for a set time every week for fun with the girls. Especially if it is something they would look forward to and he knows his absence would disappoint them.

Another thought.... with my husband the playstation and TV do not go on until our daughter is in bed. We have discussed that the games played are not appropriate for her to see and we have things to do while she is awake. Maybe he would agree to that if it is framed such that the reason is for the girls benefit not because you want help. I think if you continue to make the argument that you want help he might not help just to spite you. If he is not paying video games he might just help out on his own.