Victim Mentality

You have just described a fair amount of regular posters on this site...
"why doesn't he listen? why do I have to do everything? why is my kid so whiny? don't you feel sorry for me?"
grrr!!!
(sorry, that was a bit of a vent)
I don't put up with people like that in my "real" life and I only tolerate it here because I feel like I can offer some sound and wise advice to those who are open and willing to listen ;)
And thank YOU Theresa N for the Fiona Apple lyrics, I always LOVED that song!!!

Hi, Denise:
Yes, many people have this condition.
No, You cannot help people change. They have
to realize it themselves.
On the Compass of Shame, we learn that people deal
with their shame by attacking themselves, Attacking others,
Use Denial and/or Running and Hiding.

You don't deal with these people. You let them alone or you
can confront them on how they make you feel using the "I" feel statements.
For Example:

I feel (state how you feel)
when I hear you say...............(what she/he says)
because.............(say why you feel the way you do)
and
I need...............(tell the person what you need)

Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.

Oh land, I have a stitch in my side from laughing at Theresa N.'s answer. I think I'm a victim of her wittiness! :)

Yes, I do. I live with him. SOOOOO sensitive, like a goddam 80 year old woman thinking there's conspiracies all around just to make his life miserable.

Gettin' a little tired of it Denise. I did not sign up with a suspicious greatgrandma.

Wait, what was your question? Sorry, I guess I took it to a very personal level.

(I've been a bad bad girl,
I've been careless with a delicate man.
And it's a sad sad world,
Where a girl will break a man
Just because she can.
Help me but don't tell me to deny it.
I've gotta cleanse my sins of all I've done
To be good enough for him.....

Fiona Apple, I think, at 19 years old, I mean, was she WITH my GUY?!)

Psh

:(

I stay away from them.

Did you just happen to run into my mother? And therefore HAD to ask this question?

I just spent a week in hell this summer helping my victim mom.

I will avoid her as much as possible until her death. I am not kidding.

I could write a book. I drove myself, with 3 kids and a dog 3,000 miles O.-way to help her and she did not even say thank you or I love you when I left. I made her meals, washed her clothes, organized her stuff, saved her $575 a month on her Medi-Cal Share of Care expenses..and not even O. GD I Love You and she can't muster up a kind thing to say about anything. I almost hate her.

But I also know at some level going back this summer was an awesome opportunity for me to practice boundaries and learn to say "NO" to her. And I did for the first time....

Anyways, sorry to vent about my own life and experiences...but I was thinking of posting this exact question and knew I would regress about my mom.....

P.S. I hope you had a great summer!

*Edit* The biggest, single reason I know I keep coming back to this site, is that it's O. of the few places in my life where I have witnessed other women acting with a genuinely kind, open heart. And no matter what I ask or what I read, I am always expecting the worst and am always surprised by the truly helpful and supportive responses. How did my 'Christian' mom and dad miss the boat on these basic human decencies? I know alcohol played a huge role.

Denise:

I have two people that I have disassociated with because of this...

it's sad that it's NEVER their fault...they can't see the damage or their part in the "drama" - the finger pointing - oh God - the finger pointing!! YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! URGH!!! No, honey, I didn't do this to you...

and because it's non-stop drama - I disassociate myself with them...I'm nice until it's time to not be nice...other than that - I don't put myself in their circle...

& that whole "victim mentality" comes in many shapes & sizes.

My DH tends to fall into it....& increasingly so....as he ages. I hate it!

Here are some of his phrases: why me? why can't I get a break? when is it my turn? OMG, he turned 57 yesterday....& this behavior drives me nuts!

In 99% of his day, he's a go-getter....he never stops....& yet this is what he says! Our 30 yr anniv is coming up....& I just say, "sniff, sniff, boo-hoo" to most of his complaining. Our sons are even worse....they've been known to run over to him & say, "suck it up, Old Man"...."aaaw, Dad, here let me help you"....& many variations on it. (& yes, they're older...24 & a mouthy 15). He says he doesn't get any respect....& I say back, "nope, you've got to own it before we can go along with it".

Within our family, I can give you any # of "victims"....ranging from my 90+yo Gma...to my deceased father & FIL....many of my SILs....& even friends. When parenting our sons, I always try to focus on moving forward, of making the choice which will end in achieving in O. way or another.

This is particularly true with my 24yo son who spent his childhood battling a degenerative hip disease. We are approaching the 1 yr anniv of his hip replacement.....& he's been struggling trying to assimiliate back into the real world. We have 2 parapalegics in our circle....both injured in their 20s & both in wheelchairs for 30+ years. O.'s sat in his chair & has allowed life to pass him by.....& the other is an absolute powerhouse of an accomplished man! He is truly a hero to all of us....& he is my go-to shining example of what a handicapped man can achieve. A perfect example of how NOT to be a victim.

Totally "get" this question...thank you!

I drink.

Not really kidding there. I make a point to meet them mostly at bars. Which I do very, very rarely.

O. of my sisters is that type of person, so I sorta HAVE to see her (I love her to pieces, she just drives me up the wall), but I limit my contact with her to family events and 'meeting for drinks'.

For the rest, I don't put forth the effort to be around them. Since being around people REQUIRES effort and juggling, I've got the easy out (it's not like I'm trapped in an office with them, btdt!). Even people I would love to see every day I can't see more often than once a month or so. So those who drive me bonkers? Not so much.

I personally have an ethos of "cake and eat it too". Most of life, in my experience, is just turning a problem on it's ear. Choices. Murphy and Luck play into life, of course, but that's just life.

LOVE the USMC motto: Improvise, adapt, and overcome.

Sometimes you're just stuck with bad luck or a bad situation (I've chosen to stay in a crappy marriage for years to avoid a worse situation, not financial for anyone wondering), but I don't feel sorry for myself. My choice. I actually have a VERY happy life. I mean, I can and do occasionally mope, rail, get really ticked about it; but I could walk at any time. That's power. I'm not a victim. I have the power at any point to change my situation). But you don't have to go an make a bad situation worse by being miserable.

What I've noticed about my sister (and others) is that they don't want to recognize the power they have over their own lives, because it's not PLEASANT. Meaning, my sister would rather stay in an apartment that means she doesn't have enough money to do x, y, z and whine about it rather than use any O. of a DOZEN options, because they wouldn't be as "nice" as what she's complaining about. That's a CHOICE. I made the choice to be house-poor. I don't understand making choices that make you intrinsically unhappy. Get up off you bum and DO something about it. No O. is holding a gun to your head. Either be grateful you've made the choice that makes you happy, (or that you even have a choice to begin with!), or change your freakin' choice.

Yes I do. My sister unfortunately O. of them. Very difficult to deal with and it is very emotionally draining. I hesitate to ask the "how are you" question because w/o fail it's the woe is me attitude. She is very much a half empty glass type of individual. On top of that she is a major hypochondriac which makes it worse! Like I said, very draining. When she starts about her newest "ailment" I always either change the subject or have to get off of the computer or phone (she lives in another state). I don't acknowledge it. She is literally a walking medicine cabinet. Sorry to go on and on but this is obviously a close subject to me. My advice to you is to either redirect the conversation or leave. When asked how you are doing never respond negatively to them. Answer the way you would like them to. I do that with my sister. Trying not to feed into the negativity. It's difficult b/c they tend to bring you down. Misery loves company. It's a struggle to keep that from happening sometimes. Good luck!

most people who have a victim mentality are on drugs and alcolhol. you have to make them realize that they are doing it to themselves. take away their excuses for their behavior. Same as with a criminal." Well I didn't do it so and so did it" your answer "you were the O. that chose to be in the car with so and so and they didn't hold a gun to your head." "you were the O. that chose to run around with so and so knowing what they were doing" "whose fault is it you don't have a job?" their answer well I am looking. you answer "so you have applied for mcdonalds" their answer no and your answer would be "so obviously you don't want a job now do you"

It is not going to sink in right away but always take away the excuses and tell them to quit whinning sp? and fix it. you have to back anyone with a victim mentallity in a corner where they have to take responsibility for their own actions. Your suggestions on how to change for the good aren't going to work until they want it too. You can't tell them you did it to yourself. You can but you need to keep taking away the excuses till they have to face the fact on their own they need to change.

I think some people honestly.... do not know they are like that.
And for others, it was the way their parents were.
A learned, trait.
But it is not.... I believe, a "permanent' trait.
It can be, unlearned.

I also think, some people are just really UNable, to see things from a different perspective... hence, they always have that mentality and don't 'see' how to be otherwise, when others point it out... to them.... even in a simplistic manner.

Some people can self-reflect.
Some cannot.
They simply.... cannot.
Hence, the continual frustration for others, when dealing with people like that.

So you either try to change them, or not.
And just hang with others who are more, in your vein of mentality.
But if this is family... well?
Some people, just need others to be the "lead" in things.
And if that person continues to have a 'victim' mentality... well, we all know better.

It is also about being stuck in a rut... or about WANTING to, progress. Or not.

I personally do not make friends with those.
How... they do, suck you dry. As the other poster said.
But only if you let them... hence you are their "victim" or not, as well.

I hate that Stuff...(other word) and do not associate with people like that. Drives me nuts...I teach my kids God helps those who help themselves. You want something, you work for it and get it. You don't like something, figure out a plan to change it. You are responsible for YOU - Nobody else.

Uh, I don't. You can't help people like that. I wouldn't put any more energy, time, or emotion into those people.

I feel very frustrated and irritated and have a hard time being around them...especially if something happens between the two of us, and it's something they started, but by the end, they are still the victim. It's like they can't see how horrible they are to other people.

I have learned to emotionally distance myself from people like that. They are very damaging and unhealthy. My MIL is like that. She is the perma-victim. It's AMAZING. I keep a low reaction and don't get wrapped up in her drama. I do think she likes being the victim too because she never does anything to change it.

I wish I knew the answer to this, because this is my mom. Her life sucks, has always sucked, will continue to suck for the rest of her life and it's everyone's fault......but hers.
Very draining. I just try to tune it out! But it's sooooo hard. If there's no drama in her life, she can't seem to function. It's almost like she creates it! Or feeds any she comes across. No matter what the situation, it's always about how SHE is affected. It's maddening. But you can't change them.

Hi Denise
Good post!!
Yes for many years I was carrying so many of these helpless victims on my back that I was nearly falling down with the weight.
Now I see the difference between a victim and a person who is vunerable once in a while.
The true strength of a woman/a person is when O. can admit without shame (or putting on a mask )that they are vunerable,emotional,insecure once in a while. I will carry and support you and give you space to wallow until you brush yourself off and carry on with life again.
As for the victim I have no time for you anymore. I refuse to let you into my energy because you are an adult and you need to take ownership of your life,thank you.
B. k

Oh, you've met my mother.. and my oldest brother. They live in the same apartment building. They feel the world owes them everything. Let's just say I don't speak to my brother unless I have to for my mother's sake. And as for my mother, when the conversation turns I tell her the kids are fighting and I have to go! LOL Thankfully I live in another state.

There's not O. thing you can do to change that type of person. You can be part of their life and allow them in your life but only on YOUR terms, period.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Ugh. Kick 'em to the kerb. Wait, am I O. of the ones Mamazita is talking about? Maybe we don't know we're doing it! Do I????

I run the other way...seriously! I can't deal!

Yea.. I hate it but I cannot seem to find the strength to get away from myself...lmao kidding

I know several, O. is a sibling. Small doses is the only way for me. Otherwise, I lose my tolerance.

OMG, my husband's ex is like this. She is seriously mentally ill though (for real, I'm not just being spiteful). Even her own daughters, now that they are older, see what she is like. The oldest O. came to the discovery on her own that she is "always a victim." She says she has learned to tune her out and not get involved with all the drama. I'm sure mom HATES that because she used both her daughters while they were growing up, and both have paid the psychological cost of it. As far as us, we avoid her at all costs and insist any and all communication that is not mundane be in writing or on voicemail. She is also the type of person who is never ever wrong, even if a judge is telling her so, and is never ever to blame for anything, no matter what proof someone has. If she starts in with things, my husband leaves immediately or tells her he will talk to her when she can discuss things rationally. I see no way to change her, and she seems to thrive on this constant drama, so everyone pretty much comes to the same conclusion to avoid her. She has not kept relationships well and has moved around from place to place with O. man or another for 8 years now.