Very Shy Child

He's still very young and it's good that he is comfortable with family members. Lot's of children his age are shy and do hide behind Mom's legs etc. Keep on socializing him and be as supportive as you can. While in the mall, buy him a little something he might like and let him hold it.. Little by little he'll see and come to understand there isn't much to fear being out or being in the mall...have patience, give him time...

My son was the same way until he was almost 2. I had a nanny at the time, so all he got was one on one attention with adults in our own home. He was so shy around adults and kids. I enrolled in my little gym classes and that started to open him up. I also started him at daycare part time, and that was a huge help. The purpose of datcare was to get him socializing, but eventually he liked it much better and was getting so much more out of it that I transitioned him to full time within a 3 month period. He has been great ever since, outgoing, approaches adults and kids, takes turns, shares and all that good stuff. Do you do play dates? Can you enroll him in pre school part time?

hi...
my son will be 3 in september and sounds very similar to your son too! we belong to 2 different playgroups, have been going to 'music together' classes since he was 6 mos. old and i just signed him up for a very limited time at preschool starting in september. i feel that all of these interactions have helped a little...some days are definitely better than others and just when i think he is coming out of his shell...he reverts back to clinging onto me or saying that he doesn't like kids at playgroup. it gets frustrating...but he is who he is and most days i enjoy his affections b/c soon enough i know he will be pushing me away :-)
his doctor said that he just may be the kind of guy who doesn't like group things.....hopefully all the advice i have received about preschool will help!

Hi M.
My first child was incredibly smart, and incredibly sly, when we first started taking him places from our new house. He hung behind and I was so disappointed because I never thought that would not be a problem. Well, one of the child care workers at our new church said instead of bringing him in at the last minute, come early and see if he likes the empty room and the children coming into his space. It worked like a charm. He was playing with puzzles and as the kids came they joined him. He got to know them one at a time and he loved the nursery after that.
He was little but quite verbal and his only problem was
"mom no one talks to me", I thought about it and since it was a class of kids 2 and under, most couldn't talk at least not in sentences as he could. I laughed at the comedy of it. Talked to the workers and all agreed that they had 2 kids that were old enough for the next class but not thriving there. All agreed to bring them back to this class and just call it nursery. In the end it worked because mine had kids to talk to and those little guys got a chance to grow a bit before moving on to the 3-5 year old class.
They also told me to put on my smiling face like I was thrilled he was going to have a great time. Talk that way, and believe that. I thought I was, but when I tried to really do it I could tell I had not had a smile on my face because it felt like I was leaving my best friend behind. It was crazy, but it worked.
Hope some of this works for you
God bless you and give you wisdom
Old enough to be your mom, hope you can talk to yours, she might have some great stories to tell as well.
K. -- SAHM married 38 years-- adult children 37, 32, and twins 18

I think is has a lot to do with his age, my son is the same way. Try not to push him, it might make him more nervous being forced to talk. Give him time.

If it is at all in your budget, my suggestion would be to involve him any type of parent/tot group activity. As a gymnastics school owner, my husband and I get to experience the progress and benefits (physically and emotionally) of these types of classes. It can be any group involvement where you are present. Then as time goes on he he gets more comfortable, you can watch, but participate less and eventually he will be comfortable without you. This will build his self confidence and make him aware that he CAN do things on his own at his pace. We offer classes for kids who are 3 on their own but have had some children well into their 3's need continue with the parent/tot class before they were able to transition to those classes. You will see a big boost in his self-confidence which will carry over into all areas of his life.

Is your son in school? if not, this might help him to be more social with other children. You may want a program that has a separation class. Best of luck!

Hi M.,
It sounds like your son would do well with mommy and me kind of activities, where he will be in the presence of small group with you having on his side as support and security. I would break him in ever so slowly, and would not make this known to him. If he is conscious of what you are tryingo, this may increase his anxiey over socialization. I would make sure he does have eye contact with people and he does not avoid that, which may signal other things. under any event I would discuss this with my pediatrician and get gis perspective as well and mean time I would increase library time and play dates in your presence
best

Hi M., I think you just have to let your son be who he is. You can encourage but not push. Try different places, things. You may find something or someone that brings him out a little. Just love him. Grandma Mary

Hi M.. I was the same way when I was young. But once I got old enough I realized I was missing out on things and pushed myself to join in with everyone. I actually remember sitting on the bookshelf at pre-k and crying for a month before I socialized with the other children. I'm very outgoing now. As I got older and felt intimidated in certain situations I would just "act" as though I was not shy and eventually I got over it. I think it's a good thing too. I was less likely to act out and do bad things like my friends were doing as we got older because I was more to myself and because of that did not give in to peer pressure. So I hope this helps. I think he will outgrow it. My son can be the same way exept now I'm having a problem with him hitting. lol. I think it's just phases and stages that they have to outgrow and school will definetly help with that. Take Care.

Hi M.,

Have you tried enrolling him in preschool a couple days a week? Or maybe a play group? Try not to make a big deal about it. He will regress even more. Try to let him greet people on his own time. Hope this helps!

I agree with Miranda O -- love him for who he is. My son was very much like yours. I accepted his shyness while encouraging him to do the things he was comfortable with. We also travelled with "lamby", actually a stuffed llama who shared all his outtings and seemed to help. He's now in his mid-twenties, and while he's not the life of the party, he can certainly hold his own in any social situation. The key is to make him feel loved as he is. Then he will grow in confidence as he meets other children in school and in outside activities. When you are going to the mall, reassure him that you will be there with him, and try to engage him in a conversation about what he sees as you walk around. It may help distract him. Good luck! He's lucky to have a mom willing to work with him and not force him to do things he is not ready to do.

My middle dtr was like this. At 3 we had her take a tumbling class that she wanted to, she would almost never participate. At 4 we put her in a larger daycare with a preschool, she got better and now is not as shy as she used to be. But for some people shyness is part of who they are, and that should be ok too. Introduce him to new things and people slowly, one on one so he can have lots of support. Good luck!

is he in a preschool. that's where many social skills are learned.

There have been studies that indicate that shyness is in part simply inate or genetic, so our influence over it may be limited. I personally feel very strongly that there is no better way to show a shy child that contact to other people is fun and acceptable than simply being outgoing yourself while your son hides behind you. Do not be embarrassed and if anyone responds in a negative way to his shyness, ignore them. Don't insist he participate. He will follow your example and come out of his shell when he is ready.

Put him in preschool if he's not in one already. Most kids start around 3 years old. I'm a preschool teacher and mother of a 3 year old and a 4 month old and can see a drastic change in the children in my school from September to June! Also..when you're in a store or a restaurant try to get him to speak with other adults by ordering his own food, asking for a straw, etc. and try your best not to answer for him when people ask him questions. If he still doesn't want to come out of his shell then don't sweat it. Some kids are just more shy and intraverted kids. Hope I could be of some help.

My son(5) is on the shy side too. Your little guy is still so young. I would say just enjoy him and have some play dates in the next few years. He will open up when he is comfortable.

I have the same exact issue with my son who will be three at the end of March. When I go to the gym he sits in this red chair for the whole time and never gets up to play or won't talk to anyone. If any of the kids come within three feet of him he starts to pucker up and tear.
It seems like an anxiety issue to me and I also am not sure how to help him. I will be heading the advice some of the mother's give you. Good luck!

Dear M.,

I, too, have a very shy, (I think) very bright little boy! My son is the same way; he has wonderful relationships with close family members but is terrified in group settings with other children.

I've asked similar question on Mamasource myself, and I've gotten a lot of wonderful feedback saying that shyness and introspection aren't necessarily bad -- they can be wonderful qualities that come with wonderful kinds of intelligence. However, shy kids are often very sensitive, intuitive kids, and it's important not to make them feel bad about being shy -- I don't know about your son; mine internalizes everything.

My own approach is to try to find a balance between encouraging my son to be more comfortable with others but not forcing him to override his natural caution, and not making him feel bad about being shy. My son is enrolled in a very part-time preschool (a total of 5 hours a week), and while he's shy and withdrawn in that setting, the increased exposure to other children has helped him share space better -- he can now play at the Barnes & Noble train table right next to other kids, etc. We've also just scheduled our first one-on-one playdate at our house. I'm hoping the familiar setting will make it easier for my son to interact socially.

So .. I guess my recommendation is to give your little guy small, managable opportunities to interact with others but continue to build his confidence in areas that interest him. You might also look for a kids science class, so your son can meet children with common interests, though most of them start at age 4.

Finally, I wanted to reach out to you and sugggest that we keep in touch, or perhaps even schedule a playdate ourselves, since our little boys seem to have so much in common. We live in central NJ; my son will be 3 in July.

Send me a private message if you like :)

Mira

Hi,
I have VERY extroverted kids! But I did read somewhere that maybe it's a child's confidence level? Keep the positive reinforcement, encourage him to try new things with him (don't let him go by himself). If you can have a conversation with him, ask him why he doesn't like the mall? Maybe too many people? Or make a trip to the mall and explain, after you're all done, we're getting ice cream!! Motivate him and excite him...you can do it. :)
The others are right though - it may just be his personality, so don't force him to do anything and let him be. Otherwise, he may feel unloved or not understood and may feel frustrated and act out...

Hope this helps. He sounds like a special guy!! :) Now if my 4 yo girl could sit and do puzzles...she doesn't - all she wants to do is run around and be "Miley Cyrus!" She's acting like a teen already! The younger one is following her footsteps too! Ugggghhh!!!!