So a few weeks ago i posted how my SIL might be suffering from postpartum bc she ignores her one yr old and gives way more attention to her first born who is 3 yrs old. A few of u asked how the husband is towards the kids, or where is the husband in all this. Well i finally met him. He flew in yesterday and my SIL flew in today, she was vacationing with her two kids in mexico for a while but was staying with us, a total of 3 months all together. (three months the dad went without seeing his family) So, we went to pick them up at the airport today and when my SIL 's husband spotted his family at the airport, he walked up to them and stood infront of the stroller to see if his kids would recognize him , and sure enough they did, they both did. took them a few seconds but they did. Both kids were in a double stroller, big kid was in the front , baby was in the back. When he was standing over them, front of the stroller, the big kid looked at him and within seconds realized it was daddy, he jumped and got excited, yelling , daddy daddy. His dad took him out of the stroller and held him, hugged him, etc etc. (THESE KIDS HADN'T SEEN THEIR DAD IN MONTHS) meanwhile the baby in the back, looked at his dad, had a confused look on his face, then got a little closer (kinda got up from the stroller to get a better view) then again, within seconds he realized it was daddy and got really excited, smiled, moved his cupholder/tray out of the way to try to stand up, throwing his arms in the air with excitment and his dad turned right around and ignored his baby, he kept walking holding the big kid in his arms. The baby didn't get not one hi, or hug, or kiss from his dad. Wow, i right away gave him the "welcome" he was waiting for, i hugged him , kissed him, etc etc. As we were walking to the car i had to walk behind them because it was so sad, that image kept playing in my head and i had to cry. 30 mins later when we get to the car, he finally took the bbay out of the stroller and gave him a big hug then handed him to me. I swear back inside when the baby tried to jump out of the stroller and didn't get any attention from his dad his smile went from a smile to a frown and he just sat back down, leaned back and just stared at his dad and big brother.
very upsetting because i've seen how my SIL ignores her baby but i hadn't seen how the dad ignores him as well. Idk what their deal is. thanks for listening/reading. just ugh...
Aww, how sad.
I think you should say something to them about ignoring the baby. It probably won't change them and will make them mad, but whatever. Maybe they don't realize they are doing it.
Completely bizarre. Has anyone else in the family other than you noticed any of this?
If not I would start video taping them equally with each child.. try to do this when they are not really paying attention.
Maybe then you can show this to other family members and get their take on it.
It just sounds like one of those Lifetime Movies with all of the drama because the mom had an affair and her husband will not accept the child as his own.
All very odd and completely heartbreaking.
There's no way that I wouldn't be going off on those parents in a HUGE way.
Years ago, a family member of mine had her second child, and all she could think about was how this new baby was taking her time and attention away from her firstborn. She was terrified that her first would feel left out, and bent over backwards to shower attention on the oldest. She told the rest of the family that she felt it was somehow disloyal to her oldest to love another child. She almost viewed it the same way you would view cheating on your husband. Even as the baby got older, she felt that there "isn't room in my heart" for another child.
No, she never got over it. She just felt that her oldest had completely filled her heart, and her second was a spare. Yes, her husband was OK with this - it made sense to him.
Especially if a second child is unplanned, or money is tight, or the marriage is strained, or there's other issues, parents might be unable to fall as deeply in love as they did with their much anticipated first child.
I have 4 children, and we've had foster kids, and I can't tell you how many people are surprised that we love them all, want them all, and get excited over all their milestones and achievements. They expect it to be like friendships, where you have a "best" friend and everyone else comes in second.
It's wrong. It's damaging. It stinks. But it happens.
I can't give you any advice - you can't change how they feel or act. Just realize that you may need to fuss a bit more over your younger nephew. Don't do the same thing they are, choose a "favorite" and obviously prefer him over his big brother. Just make sure that as he accomplishes things, you always say, "WOW!" and when he needs a hug, you have one handy.
I know this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE leap to even THINK this... but is there a chance that the baby represents something else to them? Like, maybe it isn't Dad's? If there was any cheating (even once) there could be a question in their minds about who the baby was fathered by. Or perhaps mom was violated/raped? Would you know if that had happened? Maybe they only wanted one baby but got "surprised" with a 2nd and weren't happy about it, but could not choose to let it be adopted nor have an abortion? Any of these could explain both of their failure to show affection to the newest baby. Maybe she wanted the baby and Dad didn't, so he is mad about it, and Mom is depressed b/c he didn't change his mind after the fact...
It could be a lot of things that you may not be privvy to.
It's still heartbreaking to see. That poor baby. No matter what their reason(s) may be, the baby had nothing to do with the decisions that got them there. Sad sad.
Have you ever broached the subject at all with your SIL? Not accusatory, but with concern? What was her response if you did?
:(
K.:
I can't tell you how sad this is.
Tell your sister if she doesn't want her second son, I will gladly take him! He will be loved here by two big brothers!! My brother lives in Escondido. I'll have him there today to pick him up and I'll have my parents bring him out in their motor home.
You really need to address this with your sister. This doesn't sound like PPD - it sounds like she and her husband both were not ready nor did they want a second child. It's not fair to this child to live like this. He deserves better.
even before addressing this with my sister - I would dote on the second child. If the older one wants attention - yeah - it will be mean - but tell him he gets all of the attention from his mom & dad and Johnny needs loving too.
Video tape their actions. Seriously - I hope you video taped his return. They might see their blatant neglect that way and see the horrible affect they are having on their son.
Seriously - I'll take him here.
This is awful !
Not only does this kind of behaviour shatter a child's confidence, but his mental development in terms of trust on relationships...
I mean imagine how you would feel if it happens to you :(
The parents NEED to be talked to about this issue ! Have others noticed it as well ? If not then somebody needs to be told to counsel the couple together..I mean come on why does a little child have to suffer ??
NOT COOL !!
I used to have friends that did this to their youngest. I don't think they ever let him out of his crib until he was almost 2 other than to feed him or give him a bath. I would always give him extra attention when I was around because I felt horrible for him. He had RSV when he was a baby and neither one of them even stayed at the hospital with him. They would go once a day and maybe spend an hour with him. When the parents split up, it was almost a fight on who was going to take him (neither really wanted to). Thankfully, his Dad turned his life around and is much better to him now. The Mom, on the other hand, only cares to see him once a month or so. It just breaks my heart because he missed out on years of love because of the way they were treating him. Hopefully, you can talk them into letting you keep him and maybe they'll realize how awful they are being.
Is there a chance it's not his baby?
I'm so sorry for the poor little second-born. I can't wrap my head around how they can both be so "cold" towards the second baby unless there's something going on that you're not aware of. Not condoning their behaviour for one second but just throwing out possible reasons - like they REALLY wanted a girl and can't get over having a second boy or are now struggling financially cos no 2 wasn't planned - maybe there's some doubt as to paternity that has not been openly acknowledged? Unfortunately the only thing you can do is to try and love the little one as much as possible as often as possible. I have grandparents and an aunt who loved me and parents who did not. To this day I have a much stronger bond with them than with my biological parents. I'm only sharing this because, in my case, although not being shown love by my parents hurt and caused me to have low self-esteem, the love of my aunt and grandparents was enough for me to eventually grow into a loving person who has an excellent relationship with both husband and kids. Keep loving him and it will be ok. God Bless
That is so sad. One of my best friends in life has told me that growing up her parents always favored her over her sister. She never knew why. Her sister never knew why. I think sometimes parents favor one child for whatever weird reason. The stories she has told me are shocking. Both the parents doted on her and held her up to the highest standards in life. They were pretty neglectful/mean to her sister and seemed like they just did not like her as a person. This has messed them both up as adults...her sister especially has issues. I think the adults in your SIL's life should have conversations with her and her husband about this. Not just you but others too. Say, I've noticed...xxx. I think they will be angry at you but perhaps your SIL will open up and talk. Plus if others point out how obvious it is maybe they will change their behavior.
that is just sad..... i think its time to get cps involved
You need to talk to the mom and the dad - maybe say that you noticed the baby look so sad when dad didnt acknowledge him or when when mom didnt do this or that. Tell them that you are afraid it is affecting his self worth. Also maybe try getting big brother to hug/kiss/love little brother - maybe that will draw attention to the baby. I have two boys and 10 nephews/nieces and I can not imagine doing that purposely to a child -- I know there are times when my husband is talking my older son and doesnt see/hear my younger trying to get his attention, but when I point it out he quickly involves both kids -- but never ignoring one child to the benefit of the other. I really hope you can talk to the parents -- if not maybe you could talk to the pediatrician about your concern (if you can figure out his/her number). Good luck and keep at it - the baby needs a voice and all he has is you.
Hello, I cannot understand how anyone can show a difference in their children. It doesn't compute for my. My son and his now ex-girlfriend came to visit a couple of years ago. The girlfriend did NOTHING for their little five month old. My son did everything. He also took care of her son who was three at the time. She did very little for her son. She ended up causing a huge scene on Christmas Eve and they left to go back east. Three months later, my husband died. My son is still dealing with the sadness of leaving the way they did. However, we found out later that she was beating our son. He would not hit her back and did everything to avoid the situations which lit her off.
Now, they are not together and he has a very nice girlfriend. The ex is now using heroine and the children are with her parents. My son is fighting to be able to see both children. As soon as he can pay the lawyer the amount he needs to, he is going to sue for sole custody of his daughter. He and his new girlfriend are anxious to provide a stable, healthy, loving home for her. He would take the little boy if he was allowed, but he has his own father.
I wish for your nephews to have a happy life.
K. K.
Can you talk to them about this and tell them this separately, with love? Sometimes people respond to personality, but what they don't realize is how they can stunt a personality by not responding to it. Tell them that if they ignore the baby in favor of the older child, he well may start acting out badly because of it when he hits the two year old stage. They could help the baby and themselves tremendously by not doing this in the first place.
I hope you have the courage to discuss it with them.
Dawn
I don't recall your first question or the circumstances (was baby#2 a surprise? had they only wanted one to begin with?).
However, from your description here it almost sounds like they are going too far in trying to make sure the older child doesn't feel displaced by the baby. They decided they didn't want the older one to feel left out by everyone loving on the baby, so they've taken it to the extreme to where they practically ignore the baby for the 1st child.
This is sad. I don't get it but my ex treats our 2 older girls that way. He favored the elder and ignored the younger one. I never knew why but it started when they were very young and it's even on our old family videos. Both girls are his, and the younger looks so much like him. There was no reason for her father to reject her but I've been told it has something to do with his narcissism. That doesn't make it any less hurtful for my younger daughter. All I can do is let her know how proud I am of her and support her as she works to become a confident and secure woman in spite of the way her dad treats her.
That's terrible. It sounds to me like he doesn't think the baby is his. But even so....that's so sad. I give more attention to the neighbor kid on my street when we come home from a trip. I would want to just wrap that baby up in love to compensate.
Man! I cannot imagine this happening for real. Are you going to say anything?
This is a sad situation for sure. However, I've seen the opposite happen and few (not necessarily moms on here) think much of it.
The scenario I'm talking about is one in which the baby gets all the attention and the first born or older children are basically left to their own devices.
Sometimes parents aren't actually aware of the way they behave. In your case, it may be an instance of them not being ready for a second child. Maybe she didn't want a second child and he did. Maybe he didn't want a second child and she did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing their behavior, but there might be something behind the scenes that adds to this that you can't see and like I said, the parents might not even be aware of the extent to which they treat their children differently.
I think gently mentioning your observations in a non accusing way would be the best way to go.
There have been no direct statements about one child meaning more than the other, etc.
I don't know that calling CPS would be the wisest thing. That's just my opinion.
That is horrible... I truly do feel sorry for any child who is so obviously unloved by the parents while having to look on at a sibling getting it all.
I would have a serious FAMILY discussion with that family about how obvious they are about not caring or loving their youngest and that maybe they should consider allowing a more loving relative to adopt him.
I would have said something like," oh, look, how excited he is! " ? Seriously, how sad. I don't think I would be able to hold something like that inside. Especially a child. Some people need some serious help, and fast.
I remember your first post. My heart just dropped when I realized your heading went with this family. I would wait until after Christmas and then ask if you can keep baby #2. I know you mentioned your husband and MIL (who lives with you??) would be on board, too?
I had high hopes that mom truly had PD and would get better and that dad would make up the difference in the meantime.
Why was he away from his family for so long? Just because she wanted to visit her family for 3 months? Sounds like there might be a backstory regarding their relationship??? How were they together when they saw each other (the couple)?
