My husband travels for his work, about one full week a month, (he just got back this month), plus sometimes a weekend every few months. This does not bother me at all, though it is difficult for me as a mom.
This week, he is going on his own vacation to visit old friends and distant relatives. We couldn't go b/c my son just started school and also because we can't afford it. The only reason he could afford to go is b/c his friend is wealthy and begged him to come by buying my husband's plane ticket. I am not bothered by this and am glad he went, he hasn't been there in over 10 years.
A few months ago, I had an opportunity to go to small family reunion, including close family I haven't seen in over 10 years. My husband pretty much said no, it wouldn't work and we traveled to visit his family instead. We can visit them any time over a weekend, it's only a 6 hour drive. This pissed me off, but I dealt with it and understood as it was a farther drive (about 10 hours).
Next weekend, we have another trip planned to visit family, (it will be both my family and his, as my hubs was asked to do a blessing ceremony for a nephew), but the bulk of our time will be staying with his family. It's about a 6 hour drive. We visit our family every few months... my relatives live 10 mins from his so we spend time with both sides of our family to be fair.
Anyone who knows my posts, knows we are very strapped financially, knows that I have depression and that I have a very difficult time being a stay at home mom. My children are beautiful and amazing, but are extremely high energy and extremely destructive. My house looks like a flood/hurricane went through it right now. I have hired mommy helpers and babysitters through out the day, but they end up being a bigger problem and it feels like I'm babysitting them, and I can't afford anyone better!
So, I Do NOT want to go on this next trip. I want to stay home, so I can do some very deep cleaning and plan an estate sale to sell a lot of our belongings. Our pets also got ringworm, so we can't take them with us, we can't afford a pet sitter and none of our friends are willing to come by and administer their twice a day meds. I also want a child free weekend to myself for once. I won't have a car, bc we only have one working vehicle and my hubs will have it, but I want him to take the car, the kids and GO.
I am also tired of visiting family. It's cheap b/c we don't have to pay for hotels or much food, and it's only a 6 hour drive, but I want to save up for a real, fun vacation somewhere new. I'd like to take my kids (and myself) to have an adventure and I want to save up for it by cutting out some of these family trips. I feel like I have the right and the reasons to stay here.
So mommas. First, is it wrong of me to skip this, even though it's a special baptism for my nephew, and my mom will be moving even farther away after we leave? Second, do I tell my husband now, or tell him as we are packing the car, like oh by the way, "i didn't pack a suitcase b/c I'm NOT coming!" I fear that either way he will refuse to go or guilt me into going. I just want a peaceful weekend where I can get things done.
*sorry so long, I am very wordy and think of everything! ;)
I told him over the phone and I was actually kind of rude about it....it's been a long day! But he was very loving and said he understands and it is perfectly fine if I want to stay. He is extremely helpful when he's here, helps me with preparing meals, with the kids, cleaning, laundry... I'm just not coping well I guess right now since he's been gone so much lately. i just mega lost my cool after the crap my boys pulled today.
Thanks ladies for all the nice words! I think I will make this trip but make him do an all day outing with the kids when we get back so I can have my day off.
***UPDATED***
I ended up going and am so glad I did!
Don't go. You are allowed to do what YOU need to do sometimes. PERFECTLY OK. In any healthy relationship that should be fine. No problem at all.
It is not wrong, but you definitely need to discuss it with him ahead of time. Hope you get some quiet time!
Well you aren't wrong and you do need a break and he is capable of taking the kids by himself for once. However...I tend to think that this might not be the best weekend if he has been asked to do a blessing and he'll have to prepare for that, as well as administor it, you might like to be there to help with the kids and share this special moment with the family.
I think you should talk to him about it. It seems you could use a break mentally and to get stuff done around the house. Don't just spring it on him though b/c that really isn't fair. Good luck!
What do you mean he said NO to you going to visit your family.!!! He's your husband not your daddy--you don't need his permission.
Tell him straight out ---I'M NOT GOING--YOU TAKE THE KIDS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.
Next time he is home for a weekend go by yourself and visit the family members you want to visit. If you can afford for him to go ---you can afford for you to go.
You probably do need a weekend to yourself. Maybe not this particular weekend, though. That sounds like a long trip to go by himself with the kids. Maybe pick another weekend where he could take the kids for the ENTIRE day. I've done that once and it was glorious. I had a whole list of house projects and watched chick flicks all day while I got a ton of stuff done. Just an idea...
A 6 hour drive round trip is a couple of hundred dollars in hard cold cash to be honest. I'd invite the family to come visit me. If you are going so often you really need to sit down and discuss this with hubby, maybe bring out the gasoline bills, eating on the road, etc...it costs us about $100 to go to my family and back with us eating there and coming back the same day. That is only 125 miles from here, a tank of gas is nearly $75 now, think how much more money you'd have if you limited the driving visits.
Tell him you are staying home and he will want to leave the kids, tell him no.
I agree with Tori. If there is a baptism and your husband is speaking, then you should not choose THIS time to stay home. Although I see no reason why you can't skip the next one. And it does sound like a lot of traveling to see family. I can relate. We did that a lot when our kids were young and not in school yet. And yes it makes for a "cheap mini vacation" when you don't have to pay for a hotel. But it often doesn't feel much like a vacation does it?
Go this time. (And even if you choose to stay this time, do NOT spring it on him. Talk about it before hand. Several DAYS beforehand at LEAST). And then have a nice talk with him about your feelings about taking a "real" trip somewhere new for a change. My husband and I sort of went through this a little ourselves, b/c he is HUGELY into family (nothing wrong with that, I love him for it), but every single vacation was turning into a "joint" family event that every event included extended family. I wanted some memories with our kids that were just us. (Not ALWAYS ONLY us, but is SOME asking too much?) Every rafting trip, state park visit, mountain cabin rental, beach stay, EVERYthing was starting to include aunts/uncles/cousins and grands. It totally changed the dynamic of everything we did.
He disagreed with me, but we were able to compromise and not do EVERY trip with extended family---or half trip with and the remainder without.
So talk to your husband about this. He may not agree, but it is both of your time/money/energy being used for these trips. He should at least be willing to compromise with you to some degree.
Just not this particular trip, ok?
I think you should get a weekend to yourself but you should discuss it with the husband ahead of time.
As for the family reunion, you should have put your foot down and said you are going and tough if he doesn't like it. I would have been furious if my husband did that to me especially since hes gone doing his hobbies 3x a week at least and goes on kayaking trips all the time. I don't put up with stuff like that.
No, I do not think you are wrong. We used to have to use all my husband's vacation time to go visit his family. We missed out on having family vacations. I really regret not speaking up sooner.
Good luck and God bless.
Of course I say skip it because I am on the net and don't know how mad your husband will be. But since he got a vacation, it is fair. And all his family can help him watch the kids.
I think you do need a break and I think you need to tell your husband now, not as you are packing. Sit down with him and say, please listen to me, my points before you say anything to me. Let him know how much you do appreciate him and you support him fully, that he has to be gone sometimes for a week and you are all by yourself with the kids. Then go into all your reasons that you need a break from the kids, and just some alone time so you can appreciate everyone in a new way. You are just asking for a weekend, not that long, ask him to please give you that.
God Bless!
I just went out of town with the kids and the hubby cleaned out the house! It was so nice! We went to see my folks while he got to get rid of things that we no longer needed and he organized the living space (kitchen, living room, dining room). Its like a whole new house. I think It will help with your depression to get things together and a break from the kids. Glad you told your hubbs.
Well whatever you decide, you best tell your Husband AHEAD of time!
He probably won't like your decision.
He never has seemed to "approve" of your preferences, per traveling and seeing family.
It seems to always be, his way... and with "his" family. Not yours.
I think, you need and... DESERVE a rest.
Not to mention you have Depression.
Probably stress does NOT help that, at all.
Your Husband should see that.
AND REGARDLESS of where your family/parents live... you DESERVED to go to the Family Reunion.
I would have been pissed, if my Husband forbade me to go.
It is loving, to understand that and let you go.
You shouldn't have to not go.
It is YOUR family.
You need to stand up to him.
You have a right... to see your family too. Not only according to your Husband's ideas of scheduling and convenience and personally withholding you from it.
HE gets to do anything he wants.
Sorry, but your Husband irks, me.
You are NOT, wrong.
At all.
Not at all.
Period.
Put your foot down, Momma, and tell the hubs what you need. A happy Momma makes for a happier family! Took my hubs a little while to get this.
Sounds like you need a little "mommy time". It'll make you a better wife & mother for getting it. Explain it to him in advance & let him know you're not going. You shouldn't have to defend your reasonings. Good luck.
I think you deserve a break. I would tell him ahead and stick to your ground. I was personally very peeved that he told you no about going to your family reunion and yet he gets to go with his friend, money aside the principle is messed up. I got a one-sided feel from your post I suppose, that his family is above yours or something. 4 hours doesn't make that much of a difference, it really doesn't, Time wise yes but unless your car gets bad mpg then it's usually about 1 or 2 tanks more than the 6 hour trip so you should've been able to visit your family that you haven't seen, I think he was being kind of a jerk about it but we don't know the conversation either :).
Make a list of all the things you want to do and show him and tell him firmly that you are staying BY YOURSELF and deep cleaning the house because you don't like the way it looks and can't do it with them there. If he tries to guilt you just tell him "look, you got to go off and visit your friend/s, now I need a break. It isn't unreasonable at ALL for ME to have a break every once and a while". I would be mad if my guy guilted me in this situation, every one deserves a break. Plus bring up the pets, how will they take their meds for 2 days. Just sayin some things, but I'm peeved that you would have to explain yourself and convince your husband so he doesn't guilt you or refuse to go... seems kinda immature of him not to let YOU have a break especially when he just had one and travels one week a month, I know it's for work but come on, it is a welcome break for most people lol.
You need help and relief and believe me your husband is not going to give it to you or put you first until YOU put you first. You are right on about what you need. Just calmly but firmly say "honey I am going to stay home by myself this weekend and get some much needed things done or just rest." He doesn't really need to know what you are going to do. You may decide after they are gone to just sleep and read a magazine.
At some point when my kids were little I started doing this. I even prayed about it and the message that came back to me was IF you can not be happy and pleasant about it then DO not do it. Do what you need until you can be happy and pleasant and you need a break. Men take the time they need, but women just keep sucking it up until they completely fall apart or become bitter nags. I am now in counseling and that is the one thing I have learned is that you must value yourself and give self care because no one else is going to do it. You will be a much better wife and mother and you will be respected more. There will be anger and resistance but do not back down. If he pushes, say you know... you got your weekend away and I was nothing but nice about it, now it is my turn. Do not meet his anger with anger, just be calm and firm. I am counting on you. You can do this. Fight for what you need. It will get easier if you start standing up for what you need, if not it is not pretty.
Don't skip the baptism trip and seeing your Mom. Sit down with your hubby and explain how you're feeling and that you would like to plan (in advance) a vacation that doesn't involve family visits. Check with a kennel about the pets. Also arrange a day with him where he takes the kids on a dad/kid adventure and you have a day free to clean, chill, or just get some alone time.
Good luck :)
