I was a little thrown off and offended while talking to my sister just a bit ago. She had been considering moving her family from New England back home to Colorado, where my family is. She was saying that they changed their minds and will stay put. In talking more about it, she said "I keep thinking about the schools there..." I asked what she meant, and she said "all the shootings, that just scares me, because we don't have that out here."
I think I am probably over-sensitive to this, because DD will be starting high school in the fall and I have worried about everything under the sun- sex, drugs, violence, asbestos (ok, kidding about that one I guess). But really, I've been very anxious about her starting high school. So to hear someone say out loud that they would not live here because of that just freaked me out all over again. Does everyone think this way? I know how anxiety works, it makes you feel all alone in the crazy. I keep thinking that there will be 2,000 some kids in this high school, and I am quite sure I'm not the only one who worries about their kid. And that no matter where in the country they live, we all share mostly the same kind of worries. But sometimes I feel all alone in my worries, and then comments like this make me even crazier. Like people who live elsewhere must not worry about things like this? Ugh. Lend me some perspective mamas!! I was doing really well to use some logic (imagine that!), but this sort of up-ended me! Not to mention the thoughtlessness of the remark, if she really feels that it's only unsafe here, why would she say that to me since I live here! Thank you in advance!
This is why I love you guys. I am reading your answers and already feeling so much better. Primarily, I once again feel a little 'settled' that I am part of the larger community of parents across the country who worry about things, including shootings. Not in a misery loves company way, but in a we're all in the same boat kind of way. Thank you for sharing your stories, and lending me the perspective I needed to calm me down, it really is helping. Though I'm a little freaked out about car crashes now (kidding- sort of).
Lots of what you guys have said is echoing in my head, and really centering me. I so appreciate the comments, and look forward to reading more. Thank you!
Did you remind her that Adam Lanza lived in New England?
These shootings happen everywhere, in every type of community. There is no safe bubble, and most people realize that. That's why they practice lockdown and emergency drills in ALL public schools, not just the ones in Colorado. She just has a traumatic association and poor judgment in sharing that with you.
It was pretty insensitive of her to say that knowing that you live in Littleton. However, the unfortunate fact is that school shootings aren't exclusive to CO. They've happened nationwide. Wasn't Sandy Hook in CT which is part of New England?!?
As someone who has lost a loved one to a firearm, I have always worried a ton about guns. Gun violence is a very real threat in this country. In ways, I feel like we're hardly safer here than we would be if we lived near the Gaza Strip.
She is not thinking logically at all. "We don't have that out here"? She lives in New England; Newtown, Conn. is in New England. Does that mean she can no longer live anywhere in New England?
I live not far from where there was a mall shooting very recently. Two perfectly innocent people killed by a young man who had a fascination with the Columbine killings. We are in the DC area. Does that mean that she could not live here either? Or if she did, she could never enter any mall?
You mention that you were doing OK until she "sort of up-ended" your thinking -- please don't let her frankly silly geographical "logic" upset you. Your child is likelier to be hurt while a passenger in any vehicle than she is to be hurt in any school shooting. In fact, tell your sister that if it helps you -- she needs to know that her off-hand comment has really upset you and that her kids are at greater risk each time they ride in the car or the school bus than they are AT school--anywhere.
I completely disagree with the approach some of the previous posters have taken.
Do school shootings take place? Um, almost never!
Yes, they have happened. And people have also won the lottery! What are the chances of them happening? Slim to none!
We cannot live in fear. I realize this could potentially happen at my children's school, but I never entertain the thought. It could actually happen anywhere, but I never consider it. It just is so unlikely I don't see the point in allowing myself to spend any emotional energy on it.
I don't see the point in telling your sister that there was a shooting near her. I also don't see the point in trying to tell her that she's being irrational. She is, by the way, being completely irrational, but I still don't see that telling her that is going to help anything.
You're doing just fine! Consider the things that might come up that you could actually have some control over, do your best to address them in your mind and move on. There is no sense in living in fear. Do your best to protect yourself and your family, and live your life!
I think you can only control what you can control, and the rest of it, we leave to life to figure out.
No place in the world is ever going to be 100% safe. Nowhere. But I also strongly believe that we shouldn't stop living because of our fears. We take calculated, educated risks and do our best to prevent the accidents we CAN prevent: have our kids wear helmets, wear their seatbelts, we don't use our phones while driving, we wash our food before eating it, we make safety plans with our kids should they get lost, teach them the difference between medicines and candy-- these are the most immediate threats to their safety, NOT teen shooters at school.
We live in a very uncertain world, K.. I tell you, I live on a fault line and the media is always touting headlines that The Big One will come sooner or later. While it helps to be prepared, let me also say that I would go nuts if I let these fears eat away at my waking hours. So, we do what we can, have safety plans in place, and then we let it go and try to enjoy ourselves. That's what I would encourage you to do. It's also okay, if you are feeling constantly anxious, to talk to your doctor and get some help. It may be that you need a break from those chemicals being at play in your body. It can make us nuts, and we also need to take care not to let those thoughts take too much from us.
It's too bad your sister couldn't keep her comments to herself, but just because she said them doesn't make where you live any more dangerous. It's just her perception. It doesn't have to be yours.
I think there have been 45 school shootings since Columbine, in 1999.
Scary stuff. Epidemic.
I agree we can't keep out heads in the sand & act like this is some rare random thing/occurrence.
Get involved! Look at Moms Demand Gun Sense in America.
I truly believe that if anything is going to be done about guns & schools it's going to come from moms.
Good luck!
Her comment makes no sense.
I live in New England. Connecticut, actually, where the elementary school shooting occurred in Sandy Hook. So yes these things happen here. It's a false sense of safety living in a small town or a specific region.
But that's not really my main point. I think that your sister was really just speaking about her own fears, her own thought process, her own "stuff" and it had nothing to do with you and your children and the choice/s you've made in where you live and send your children to school. I don't think she was criticizing you. Instead, she was talking to her sister... her best friend. She was explaining her reasoning as to why she had chosen to not move back where the rest of the family lives because all of you would be expecting a reason. Would you have accepted some pat answer from her? Would you have known she was lying if she said something else? Would a lie have been better?
I would cut her a lot of slack, because I don't believe she was being thoughtless. I believe she put a heartsick amount of thought into it.
1. I think it is very thoughtless of her to say that to you.
2. I think it's totally ridiculous. Horrible things can happen anywhere out of the blue. That is not a reason to not live somewhere. We do not have crystal balls to predict what will happen where.
3. I disagree that the world is a horrible and dangerous place BTW. These awful incidents while they are horrendous are extremely rare beyond belief. Most of the time, most people are decent. There are billions of people in the world. Even if only 2 percent of 7 billion are evil, that is still a decent number of a-holes. Still, a small percentage!
Really it could happen anywhere.
If anything, you'd think because they'd gone through such a horrible experience that they'd have measures in place to prevent something like that from happening again.
She's making herself feel better with a false sense of security.
You know it, and we know it.
Let her have her illusion if it makes her comfortable and let it go.
I love this quote:
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Helen Keller
We had a school shooting just 20 miles away, at a dance. A teacher was killed. Right here in good ol' NW PA.
Honestly? I'd feel safer moving to a state that has legalized pot, but that's me.
Shootings, and mass shootings, affect people's minds and emotions. To various degrees.
Per Colorado, well there were mass shootings there.
And it was all over the news.
Now, there is a "stigma" and stereotyping, about that school and/or State. Now. It happens. Especially when more than one type of incident, happens in a certain place, more than others, or as it seems in the news.
And being a parent, most parents "worry" about many things, anyway.. via whatever form of information they use or are exposed to.
So, then, they worry and/or don't want to do certain things or be around certain things. Because now, there is a "stigma" about that place.
Even if it is not rational or logical.
ie: some people don't want to move there. Or some people will move out of there and go to another State.
She was just saying what she felt.
It was not personal or meant to offend you.
Although it may seem offhanded.
I live in a place where there are volcanoes. And we are in the middle of a huge ocean and are a small island.
Whoa.
Some people will not live here because of that.
That is fine.
That is their feelings on it.
It is not mine.
Your sister is living in a dream world if she thinks things like that don't happen there. Violence is everywhere. But, depending on her town I can understand he choice to not move. I live in a tiny town in Alaska and every time we think about moving to the lower 48 the schools are always the first concern we have because when you live in a tiny mountain town where everyone knows each other you do tend to have peace of mind about certain things. But people have to be realistic and know that it can happen anywhere, there was even a day this year our school went on lock down when some kids saw a man on school grounds with a gun, which turned out to be a misunderstanding, but it was still scary.
In the end, we know we can not protect out kids all the time and we each have to just do what we can with what we have. I don't think CO is dangerous though, there are other places I would have much greater concerns about moving to.
Your sister has faulty logic. School shootings are extremely rare. They have them in all different locations...not just colorado or the west. They have them on the east coast too. Living in CO does not make it more likely to happen than another place. You can't spend your time worrying about things...it is not productive. It does no good whatsoever and it is bad for your mental health. Does your sister think kids should not go to school (school shootings), should not enter university (college shootings), should not enter the workplace (workplace/post office/etc. shootings), and should not spend time at home (home shootings/robberies/attacks)? Maybe all kids should just be locked in padded rooms for the rest of their lives to keep them safe! haha...no really...please don't take what your sister said seriously. She sounds a little nutty, no offense.
Has your sister not heard about the shooting in NE last Dec?
In the world we currently live in, it is a legitimate concern wherever you live but we can't live in fear. We have to help the schools do their best to protect our children...this includes pointing out our concerns and areas for improved safety protocols.
Bottom line is, your sister has to do what she feels is best for her family (and so do you). Even if she makes that decision with a warped perception, it is her decision to make.
Since it's your sister, I would have a rational discussion and point out that shootings are and do happen even in otherwise safe communities and while you hoped she would move back near family you understand if it's not what they want right now.
I sometimes wonder if kids in more rural states have earlier access to guns. They see rifles hanging in the back window of pickups, see people walking around with pistols on their belts with open carry laws in effect, they see mom or dad pull out a gun to scare of animals that wander on to their land, so I wonder how much of this contributes to possibly thinking guns are easy to access and pull out to use when they're mad about something.
On the other hand, gangs and cartels seem to take over big city's and there is a lot more violence across the board there.
I think it takes a lot of consideration to do anything these days.
I think it is interesting which shootings the media covers as there have been many other school shootings around the country that we never hear about. Not that that makes you feel any better, but Colorado really is not more dangerous then the rest of the country.
Maybe your sister is worried about other things and its just easier to tell herself that she doesn't have to worry about xyz so that she can feel more at ease.
Colorado is a great place to raise kids!
Unfortunately there's nowhere that's safe in the world. Two guys who were in a half way house together picked out a mother and daughter at the grocery store, followed them home, and later broke into the house killing the mother, both daughters, and almost beating the father to death. A man walked into an amish school and killed 5 girls. People are shot at malls. It's a frightening world we live in.
You choose to live in fear or live your life. Your sister is wrong in her thinking about location. The guys who killed the mother and daughters did so in a small town. The amish school is part of a small community. Newtown, CT is also a small town.
Yes, they can happen anywhere. You could also get hit by a bus crossing the street (much higher chance). I think every parent has that fear, but then you have to use your logical side to realize how slim the chances are. School security has changed significantly and continues to. If that is truly the ONLY reason they aren't moving, I think she maybe has some issues. Of course we all want to minimize the risk to our children, but they can't live in a bubble either.
Honestly, I wouldn't have even thought of that as a reason to move or not move to a specific school district. For my kids and all their friends, their biggest concerns going into 7th grade was getting their locker open and getting lost going to classes.
That is just stupid! There ARE school shootings everywhere unfortunately. Yes, a couple high profile shootings have been here. There was one in New Mexico shortly after the one at Arapahoe. There was one in Hawaii (that may have been a knife) recently. It sucks, but they are learning on how to deal with these situations better and quicker. They are becoming more cautious in how to deal with threats and students who may have some warning signs.
I actually attended Arapahoe in high school and I would send my kids there in a heart beat.
Sorry, I am probably not sounding very compassionate. I am, the Arapahoe shooting really threw me for a loop for a while. And my poor mom had to pick up someone from both the Columbine shooting and the Arapahoe shooting, so I am not removed from this. What your sister said made me kind of angry I guess. Sorry.
Cut Sis some slack. She was not thinking of how you would take it as a mom of a HS child. My adult 'child' is out of HS and I still worry when I don't hear from him via email.
School shootings, bombings, murders, car jackings, drugs, etc. can happen anywhere. I am always amazed when people make comments that "things like that just don't happen here/there." While it may be unusual, that doesn't mean it can't/won't happen. Life has a way of being very random.
Every mother worries about her kids. My mother still tells me to call her when I get home when I'm leaving her house - just so she knows I made it safely and didn't get kidnapped on the way. I don't think she meant to offend you, it's just her opinion. She likely said it out of anxiety/fear as well.
My daughter is a Sophmore in HS and there are times where my anxiety about her well-being get the best of me. In fact, I've already started worrying about her being away at college and she's not even there yet. It's what we moms do.
