First off, I want to thank everyone that replied and the private messages I received. I really appreciate all of them. It has helped me get through this day. I realize I have been enabler through all of this and am trying to stop the cycle. I checked into Al-Anon and found a meeting to attend this weekend.
I received a message from my brother earlier. He was asking for some money that I owe him. Which absolutely infurriated me after the hell he has put us through these last few days. So, I am still too mad to talk to him face to face, I decided to write him a letter and tape it to the front door because I know he will be back...This is what the letter contains. I know many suggested an intervention and I love that show so I tried to put it to him in that way.
Dear M,
I received your message and I'm sorry, I don't feel I owe you anything, after you broke the window out of the door, drank all of the beer and liquor we had in the house and peed on the couch and two of the beds.
Something has to stop you from this destructive behavior. So, as of right now, you are no longer allowed here (drunk or sober) unless you agree to go to rehab. And by saying that, I don't mean spending few days in the hospital. This is just getting way out of hand. You need help! I know you're probably mad but I can no longer deal with this situation.
Let me know when you're ready for help.
Hopefully it sounds OK. I know this needs to be done but I am not "good" at being mean. I'm known as the "softy" in the family and I'm really trying to correct that behavior. And in the first paragraph when I mentioned him drinking everything we had in the house, yes, we drink occasionally but NO WHERE to the extent that he does. Just wanted to mention that because he has said that to us before..."you drink so why can't I?...there's a huge difference between having one or two here and there and never stopping.
Molly, I understand what you're saying. But I didn't think to say, "I'll pay you back as long as you don't ruin/break anything of mine". And no, I don't drink if he is around.
I actually ended up talking to him last night and told him if he tried to come in my house again, I would call the police.
Theresa, I'm not sure what exactly you want me to expand on but I will try to answer your question. A few weeks ago, our car was in the shop and I didn't have enough to pay for it in full. So he loaned it to me.This was prior to the start of his drinking. I was suppose to pay him back last Thursday but that is the day he started drinking. I won't give him money when he's drinking because I know what he's going to do with it. Since we were going to be out of town over the weekend, I figured I could buy myself a few days and hold off on paying him back until we got home and hope he would be done drinking by then. Well, while we were gone is when he did all of this stuff.
Julie - in my original post I stated that he goes for periods of time without drinking but once he starts he cannot stop. For the last two or maybe 3 months he has been working (two jobs actually). He was doing really good then he apparently decided to go out after work last week and hasn't stopped drinking since then. He doesn't have a home of his own. He was staying with our cousin who has the same rule we do "you can stay here as long as you're not drinking". He chose to drink so now he has nowhere to go. And I don't feel like I'm taking advantage of him. I've loaned him money plenty of times (when he's not drinking) and I've also borrowed money from him before. Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to pay him back but given the circumstances, I don't feel I owe it to him. If that makes me wrong, so be it.
Good for you. Stay strong.
It may take him many more years or he may never change, but you are now in control. Keep it up.
My father did not sober up until he was 60. No friends, family that dreaded him and a second divorce. But he did it.
It took me about 2 years to trust he was really changing.
He is now 72 and doing great.
Don't apologize. Just say " I received your message and I don't owe you anything. "I'll keep this money and use it to buy a new couch,. Keep it straightforward and to the point. Don't over emotionalize it.
I'm glad you are taking these steps. I also add that you need to write a letter to yourself. How much his drinking had effected you. Has limited your relationship with him, and how you miss having a brother. I think you also need to release all of this in writing. Once he is responsive, you should read it to him.
Good luck! You can always pm me if you need any further advice.
Good letter. You don't owe him a cent.
"Because you're an alcoholic," is the answer to his question.
A.,
Some here are splitting hairs. O. poster is right-the money is irrelevant.
Here's the thing: if you owe him above and beyond the damages, pay him. Pay him whether he's drinking or not. Settle up and BE DONE. And be WISER.
In case you think handing him money will "make" him drink"? Nope.
HE makes him drink.
Trying to find the "right" time to settle up with him?
Enabling.
Withholding money so he'll "straighten up"?
Enabling behavior.
Anyhoo--you're doing the right thing. Know that.
You need to deal with him like you would if he was not your brother.
Use your head. Put your heart on the back burner for now.
Good luck.
I know I will likely be flamed for saying this.
I agree/understand that the damage he did to your property could equal or exceed what you owe him, but if you haven't reported any of his crimes (trespassing, property damage, etc.) and you owe him money, you don't really have that as a [legal] defense for not paying him back.
Could it be that (in part because of his inebriated state) he is harassing you because of the money you owe him?
This is another reason why calling the police if he commits a crime is really necessary.
Also, you don't drink around him when he's (trying to be) sober, do you?
Good luck.
Well done! Stay strong!!
The money is a little irrelevant. You'd be fine to post the itemized amount of his damage with the note and if it equals the money owed, leave it at that. Or to leave the money in the envelope and say it's the last he's ever getting and leave the rest of the demands the same. Depending on your gut feeling and your budget. But your message is good as long as you stick to it!!! You obviously cannot afford to support him! Regret nothing, and going forward do not give or borrow. Call the cops the next time he shows up and GOOD WORK finding a meeting and making a move to fix this!
This doesn't make sense, you make it sound like he has no home, no job, no money and now he lent you money just before this happened? Sounds like he was at your house looking for the money you promised.
Your brother sounds like he needs help but it also sounds like you are taking advantage of him as well. You want his money but then get out of my life? I don't think you are the right person to help him.
So are you going to tough it out until you need money again? Do you see this is kind of shady?
You owe him money? Can you expand on that fact?
:)
Make a copy of the letter to show to the police, if you have to call them when he trespasses again. That way you can show them that you have made it very clear that he is not welcome there until he gets help.
So glad to hear you are going to go to Al-Anon. If that particular meeting's mix of people don't click for you, please don't give up and try another meeting elsewhere. No one can help you quite like people who have actually been in your shoes. Also, you might be able to connect with Al-Anon members online as well -- maybe they have forums or something like that. Take care of yourself at this tough time, and be assured that you are doing the right thing.
