Now I am PO'D!
So tomorrow I will be having my knee surgery. I am so nervous, and my blood pressure is sky high. I have been running around (between working) trying to get things in order/done, and now my overbearing/controlling mother is making things worse trying to control me.
Last week she called to tell me that she and my stepdad will take me to the hospital (they are both disabled, not able to sit or stand for long hours-both have canes, complain about EVERYTHING, and know-it-alls.) I said no my youngest son (21) took the day off of work. She was screaming and yelling at me that my son should not have taken off of work, blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to yesterday. She went behind my back and called the area hospitals (she does not know which one I will be at) to get the hour I had to arrive and the surgery time. They would not give her the information. So she called my sons, they had no clue. So she told my youngest son to find out and call her. He never did so she said that they would be by our house at 8:30 to pick me up... He said no, but they insisted and hung up.
I know this is petty, but they have been trying to control my life-all of my life. Those who read my other posts know that they come into our home when we are not home to go through our things. Will drive by to see what is going on (and then ask who was over/parked in the driveway.) I tell them to but out, they don’t.
This is turning into a nightmare...if I could I would cancel surgery! I told my son we will leave early, but they would call non-stop to find out where were at!
Help me get my blood pressure down and give me your wisdom!?
4/12/13 Thanks again everyone. I made it through surgery ok. Now I am sick as ____@____.com from all the drugs. My mother called me the night before to inform me of what time she was coming, I did not pick up her call, but I was so POD I called her back. I told her that I did not want them to come, and that the Dr. would like for me to have a low blood pressure for surgery. She laughed and said that she was not the cause. I said yes you were. I hung up. We left home early and I was having such peaceful moments after relaxing drugs and the nurse came over to say "Your mother is here!" My preasure went sky high! Wow,THEY SHOWED UP AT THE HOSPITAL!!! They drove around the area hospitals looking for my sons truck in the parking lots!!! I told the nurse not to let them up. She looked at me, and said you do not want them? I said no, I do not want them. She came back about ten minutes later to say your stepdad is here too! I told her no, and she said she would tell them I was resting. WOW my poor son was mad too. When he went the waiting room, they were trying to still get through the doors. The waiting room was packed, so he sat as far away as possible (he was trying to complete his online classes for his auto tech classes) but they were yelling at him to sit next to them. He ignored them! So when I was in recovery, of course she wiggled her way into the room. I was so mad I ignored her...she said what is your problem! Geez I wonder.
Thank you!!! Already feel better. My coworkers are trying to make me feel better (one said to trip them:o) My one coworker said to tell them that the hospital has a limit of only one person allowed! I feel bad for my sons. They have to deal with this too!
I actually have to come to work in the morning (I have two part time jobs, one full time,) so I will not be home until around 8 am. That a whole other issue dealing with FMLA. I love the idea of staying at a hotel, but no money for that. They do not have a key to the house, they just open the sliding door (which is broken) to get in. I have been boobie trapping the house for years, leaving condoms around, nasty notes, and I have all the bedroom doors locked-pretty sad i have to doo this.
From inside the house place a long wood piece to the side of the sliding glass door, in the jamb where it would normally slide. Broom handle, bat, something long enough that it prevents the door from opening. You can prevent them from getting in, and then start saving up to get the lock fixed!
If someone entered my home without my permission, I would call the police.
When they show up tomorrow, just don't answer the door. And stick a broom handle in the slider so they can't open it.
Sorry you have to deal with this craziness. If I were you I honestly would have had them arrested for B&E and had a restraining order by now. There's quirky and annoying and totally insane. They are the latter.
My suggestions:
For tomorrow, leave early and turn off your phone. Tell your son not to answer any calls from them. Once you have finished and are in the recovery room, either text them that you're ok, or have your son leave the room and give them a quick update call.
For the future: Change the locks on your home and don't give them any keys. There is no reason for them to be going to your home when you haven't asked them to, and especially after telling them not to.
ETA: Fix that sliding door. If your nosy/controlling/obsessive parents can get in, so can robbers, rapists, or murderers.
If they come into your home when you are out, change the locks so they no longer have the key.
If you think they are going to show up at 8AM to drive you there, then either tell them to go away when they arrive/don't answer the door or spend the night somewhere else. Even if they call non-stop, turn off the ringer. Tell the hospital that if they show up, they are not to visit you and they should honor that. You wouldn't be the first with a bat-crazy relative you didn't want to visit.
Overall, you really need to get some boundaries with these people if they are that bad, regardless of their calls, screaming, etc.
ETA: If they are breaking and entering, you need to get that fixed! If you do not have a bar on your sliding glass door, get one. Just a length of PVC from the hardware store can be put in the rail at the bottom to keep people out, or get a metal bar to do the same thing. You absolutely do not need to put up with that!
Stop telling her the details of your life. That would be a start. She wouldn't have known about the surgery unless you had told her.
I agree w/PP's - leave early, shut phones off and don't let them visit you in the hospital.
Hell, I agree to also change the locks and while you're at it, change your phone numbers!!
It's HIGH TIME to set some boundaries. Coming into your home???? Are you kidding me? I'd give a final warning and contact the police next time. When dealing with them, say what you mean, and more importantly, mean what you say. If they come by to "visit" and you don't want them there, don't let them in, if they forcibly enter, contact the police. Stop taking their calls if they are constant and/or stressing you out. Let the hospital know that you DO NOT want any information released to them and that they are NOT to be allowed in your room.
Good luck with your surgery and please respect yourself enough to make some changes in your relationship.
Girlfriend!! Change the locks on your home!! NO FREAKING KIDDING!!! CHANGE THE LOCKS!!
Install an alarm...if they get in again - call the police and file charges. yes, I know they are your parents - but really! That's just WWWWAAAAYYY overboard!!
As to your surgery. EVERYONE in the family needs to turn off their cell phones. PERIOD. You will call them when your surgery is completed and you are either in a bed at the hospital or on your way home.
Your parents need a hobby. And it can't be you. Are you their only child? If so that might explain it.
When they do drive by's and ask? Be funny - tell them that your boyfriend or drug dealer was just over....or your lesbian lover....I don't know. But really. I get overprotective parents. but this is just too weird!! Weird enough to make me want to move, far. far. away!!
DEEP BREATH!! Let it out slowly. You can handle this! DEEP BREATH!!!
Good luck on your surgery!!
The fact that you've left out condoms and "nasty notes" in your own home -- wow, you're making your own home into an ugly and uninviting place just because of them? If you are "booby trapping" your own personal space, you are not talking to them. At all. I agree with others that you should try the book on codependence, and I would also strongly recommend that you get a few sessions with a counselor and ask for some specific words and strategies to handle your parents better. A counselor looking at it from outside might be able to work with you to "script" ways you can talk to them and set boundaries firmly. It can help so much to have another person, not directly involved in the family tensions, to work with on new ways to handle things.
Another big incentive for setting boundaries now -- it will show your adult kids a more positive way to handle problems than just making your home a nasty place to be.
I hope the surgery goes well. It is so stressful to have this issue on top of it.
When you get home, immediately fix the door or block it; install alarms (you can just get cheap stick-on alarms to put on doors that go off if the door is touched--no need for expensive alarm systems); get caller ID if you don't have it already. See them at times, but only on your terms and in locations that are not your home or theirs.
ADD: Home Depot has a magnetic door alarm that costs $10 - you could put that on your door. They'd have to get into the house with the alarm blaring to disconnect it. Maybe somebody will call the cops on them.
http://www.homedepot.com/p/t/203105248?catalogId=10053&am...
ORIGINAL: Change your locks. Call the police. Inform the hospital that they are not allowed. Get new phone numbers.
Get co-dependent no more (a book). There is also one called "boundaries".
Blood does not make a parent. Love and respect do - so you can cut off a parent, or limit the relationship.
Leave out before they get there and then tell your son not to answer their calls. If your son does not live with you stay at his house tonight. But before you leave change the locks on the door. That is not ok at all. They are usually easy to change out. If your son lives with your do you have a friend ya'll can stay with tonight? ONce you are done have him text them. Or have him call them and tell them he just wanted to let them know you are ok and hang up. Good luck and hope all goes well!!!
fix that broken sliding door by cutting a wooden broomstick the right length and lay it in the track - that door won't move unless they're able to totally bust it out of the track!
What did you say the last 100 times they walked in unannounced?
What did you do the last 100 times they told you how to raise children?
What did you do the the last 100 times they tried to control you?
Nothing. That's what you did, because they're still barging in, uninvited.
Try something different this time. Don't know what that is, but I'm sure you can think of something that fits your circumstance.
Because you see that's the key. We can all come up with these great ideas of how to avoid them....but only you can stand up to them.
1. Change the locks
2. Leave your house by 7:30 tomorrow
3. Go out to dinner with your sons and turn the ringer off of your phones until AFTER the surgery. You can't them on in the hospital anyway, at least that's what you can tell them.
4. If you will be there overnight, talk with the nursing staff and let them know that you do NOT want unannounced visitors. My SIL is a wonderful person, but the type that was going to come to the hospital the minute I went into labor and stay, so we agreed not to tell her that I was in labor until the end was in sight. I also talked with the nurses and asked that they limit my in-room company to my mother and husband until after the baby was born. They blamed it on the doctor and hospital and it became a non-issue.
Get a wooden dowel (like a closet hanger pole) cut to the size of the sliding glass door and lay it down int the track - Home Depot will cut it to size and it will cost less than $10.. It's the cheapest door lock you can get. They simply cannot be allowed to break into your house!!!
Maybe your son can pick you up at work tomorrow? (Then later your two sons can drive to your office and get your car home from work.) Do not cancel your surgey because your mother has a mental health problem. Work around it.
And if, while you're home recoving from surgery, your parents try to break in just pretend you're asleep. If you get that wooden bar for the sliding glass door you're good to go.
Good luck on yoru surgery mama.
They sound mentally ill, to be honest.
Why did you tell them about your surgery? I would never tell them anything about what you do.
I hope your SWH is a joke about the broken door and the condoms... I'd go without cable for a year to get the slider fixed so that people can't just walk into your house, including your inlaws.
Please, for your blood pressure's sake, when she starts screaming, hang up the frickin' phone. WHY would you subject yourself to this? You do not have to tell her anything about your life. You do not have to listen to her yell. If you think she is just going to keep calling, put the phone off the hook. You need to put a big boundary between you two.
No more telling her your plans - ever.
I 2nd the suggestion to maybe stay at a hotel for tonight. I know sometimes surgeries are scheduled extremely early though, so if you have to be at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. then I would try not to worry about it and just sleep at home, not expecting mom to show up at 5:30 at my door. But if it is later in the morning... say, you are scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 9:00, then I would get a hotel, so you don't have to deal with your mom in the morning at all.
Just turn your phone OFF.
You should figure out something, otherwise, your blood pressure may interfere with the surgery anyway. And, I would TELL her that you are turning the phones off, BECAUSE your blood pressure is elevated due to stress and you need to de-stress before the surgery.
Oh no, I am so sorry! A bunch of people on this site have recommended a book called Codependent No More for people with overbearing parents. I haven't read it, but it might be useful. I think it's time to put a stop to their emotionally abusive ways, and maybe time to change your locks!
I really have nothing to suggest as far as what to do to get two butt-in-skees to stop.
I DO wonder if they're showing signs of dementia. The reason I ask is that when senior citizens are coming to that stage in life where they're becoming disabled and using canes, they're losing those capabilities to stand independently. And therefore they will grasp at ANYthing and EVERYthing that keeps control in their hands and minds.
When you've recuperated, you're probably going to have to have a serious talk with your mom and remind her that you are of a certain age now where she does not have any say in your decisions, you can make up your own mind and she needs to keep on her side of the boundary line.
And if you're an only child, keep also in mind that in addition to all of this, you may need to take the reins as far as your mom's healthcare and legalities. And if she can't trust you to make decisions for yourself, she's going to have even more problems making them for her!
Good luck, kid. My sisters and I are dealing with a mom with dementia, and it isn't easy.
Leave very early and turn off phones. I know I could not handle them. You poor thing. Heck, I would change the locks. Do they really have a key to your home? It is not petty, this is a big problem. I would also limit my communication with them. Good luck.
Put a piece of wood in your sliding door. Just read SWH.
Sorry--I'm unfamiliar with your story. I am not getting how they can get into your house? Do you not have the option of keeping them out? My home is my sanctuary, and there is no way that I could be that uncomfortable in it. You have helped to turn yours into a warzone. Where do you ever find peace?
Keep in mind that none of this is normal. Also, recognize that you play a part in this dynamic. I'm not blaming you, but empowering you to make some very necessary changes. There is something in your personality and the way that you interact with them that tells them that how they interact with you is perfectly fine. There is no reason for them to change. There is something (in your subconscience?) that is benefitting from this foolishness. If your children get it, then they can be your allies.
There is nothing petty about your post, but let me say this: If you were my friend and I was hearing this from you, it would really work my nerves. I would be annoyed by YOU, and I would tell you so. So what if they stop by and ask you anything? Do you just have to answer?? People can ask me anything they want, but I am not obligated to engage. I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, and she knows that if I don't wish to participate in a particular conversation, then I simply will not. "That's not a conversation I want to have." You have a right to say that.
Your parents can come to pick you up if they want. You can be there or not. You do not have to go with them. If they block you in, call for a tow. They would be doing it to themselves, so you don't need to feel guilty.
As far as your hospital stay, they dont' have to have access to you, even if they know exactly where you are. You can alert the staff not to let them into your room, in the event that they learn your room number. I have seen it, and it really is no biggie to them. Put restrictions on your visitations by giving them a list of acceptable--and unacceptable--visitors. They'll take it from there. At least you can have a peaceful recovery.
If it's not reasonable for you to block her calls, start hanging up on her when she starts to scream. You are a grown-up, right? With your own grown-up kids? Get yourself into therapy right away, so you can get some tools for dealing with them. It's high time, man.
ETA: Just read your SWH. Fix the door. Get an alarm system and set it. Call the police. If you can't afford to fix the door right now, cover it so that no one can go in or out through it at all. Turn it into an essential wall, until you can use it as a door again. Seriously, this is cuh-razy.
Even if your kids come to hate your parents, they're more likely to see that personality type as strong and yours as weak. It will affect who they become as adults. They'll love you but will ultimately not respect you, because they'll determine that being like you won't get them anywhere.
Tell your mom she's stressing you out or have the doctor tell her and that it's not good for you going into surgery. Also you should not have phones on in a hospital. Leave a message with her saying you are going to surgery and you'll call her to let her know you are okay when it's done. You just need to be firm about how you'd really like to be alone right now and not be bothered by anyone while you heal.
Honestly, your parents are creepy. Funny how we can love them but sometimes they drive us batty.
Tomorrow you can park on the street so they can't block you in with their car and when they come to pick you up, ignore them and you and your son can go to the hospital as you had planned.
Tell them tonight that they are making you miserable and that if they show up at the hospital, you will ask them to be taken out by security.
Kate had EXCELLENT advice on how to manage the sliding door issue. Instead of booby trapping your house with condoms and notes, it is time to make some real boundaries with them. SO sorry you have to deal with this!
Leave 45 minutes early.
And turn your phones OFF!
Good luck with the knee.
Oh--just read your update. Any way you can go directly from work?
fix that sliding door, leave early from your sons place and then turn off the phone
