Unsure About Husband's Honesty in Wanting a Baby

Guys say what they mean. If he says go ahead, that is what he means. You have only been married 3 months, so it is a little soon to start a family. Also, remember that he got his divorce soon after having a child in his first marriage, so he is not going to be as excited about it right now. I wouldn't push him to talk about it. You could do this: don't stop the BC pills and see if he ever asks you if you did.

I agree that it's a guy thing. My husband only showed emotion/ reaction to pregnancy when he didn't want to try or when we had the baby. There was little to no excitement even when we found out that we were pregnant with a healthy baby all 5 times! But he is a great dad and a terrific husband! So I wouldn't worry! Goodluck!

I think its a guy thing. My husband was pretty much the same. And it also took a little while before he really seemed connected to her. Good Luck,
C.

Mom of a 19 mth baby girl

S.,

So, you've been married three months? That's barely any time at all. Then, to throw a baby into the mix right away just brings more stress. Are you so anxious to have a baby of your own just out of potential jealousy of your husband's former woman? Feeling a little insecure because of the other baby? What is the rush? How old are you? Will you continue to work after the baby is born? If not, have you saved enough money to be comfortable, with the extra expenses? If you will work, do you have free daycare or will you have to spend more for that? Do you have a room in your home for a baby? Do you have lots of plans of fun things you want to go and do that will be inconvenient with a baby? Does your husband?

My husband, who dearly loves our two sons, once described them as infants as "eating, screaming, spitting, poop machines." Face it, most men do not get all ga-ga over babies. Babies take away the Mom's attention. They are very needy. They keep the parents up all night. They have lots of expenses. Then, the cranky Mom expects the Dad to step in, be all supportive, and do all this extra work as though they weren't doing things already or had any plans. So, for a man, let's see: crabby wife, screaming baby, extra work, less money, less fun, less sleep, likely less sex, and another responsibility that lasts the rest of his life. Gosh, I cannot imagine why he's not jumping up and down for joy.

You'll get this worked out.
Best wishes,
K.

First of all I think you should wait until you have been married a full year. I know it sounds odd but that first year of marriage should be that you are focusing on your relationship and not worrying about getting pregant and having a baby.
Seoncd thing is that men just never get as excited about baby talk as women do. So don't be hurt by his lack of excitement. Maybe tell him that you are so excited about the thought of having his baby that your love for him is growing with that excitement. Maybe that will jump start him.

Hi S.,
By the age of your husband's child, it sounds like he was not divorced long before he married you. Without knowing his personalilty and what kind of father he is to the baby he already has, my advice would be to wait. If you are not already 35 years old and worried about your biological clock or anything like that, then you have plenty of time for children. I would just be married for at least a year or two and really get to know your husband. If you aren't sure if he is being honest, that is a red flag. A baby takes unimaginable time and energy. It is a round the clock, full-time job for both parents. It entirely changes your life and lifestyle. Stay on your birth control until you are both sure. Good luck!

I have to agree with the others about waiting a bit. Being married for 3 months isn't enough time to get used to married life. Having a baby thrown into the mix totally changes everything.

But, having said that, it's your ultimate decision. Each relationship is different. If you both feel that having a baby is the next thing for you to do, that's great. If he says it's OK to stop the birth control, take him at his word. I understand your wanting him to react with more enthusiasm and excitement, but that's just not the norm for men, lol. My husband and I conceived our second baby right after our first turned 1. When I told him that we were running into the possibility of getting pregnant because i was pretty sure that I was fertile, he said "OK" and that was the end of it, lol. Sure enough, I got pregnant. He wasn't nearly as amped about it as he was with our first, but he was just as happy.

If it's really bothering you, talk to him about it. Just say something like "Honey, I just wanted you to know that my feelings were hurt the other day because I really wanted to talk about the possibility of going off birth control in order to have a baby, but I feel that you dismissed my concerns." Just let him know that you think of this as a very serious issue that demands some major communication with him. Being open and honest with him is the best thing to do, in my opinion.

God bless,
A.

He isnt excited about it...he is scared to death about it. he is afraid that if you get pregnant, the same thing will happen with you that happened with his first wife/girlfriend that is the mother of his daughter. It took my husband 4 1/2 years to marry me because he was afraid that if we got married, i would turn out like his first wife. Let's face it...you have only been married for 3 months. my suggestion would be to wait about a year to try to get pregnant. It is only a year and all newlyweds need to have that time of adjustment to marriage without the HUGE responsibility of having kids right away.

You mention in your post that you've been married three months. Why the rush? I totally understand if it's an age thing and you're trying to beat the clock or if you've been in a very long-term relationship (but with him having a 19 month old, I don't think this is the case).

Enjoy being married for a while before rushing into another huge life change. I'm clearly not saying having a child is bad, but it is quite the adjustment with a major shift in the relationship with your spouse. Give it some time, don't nag him about it, and revisit the topic at a later date once you've had a chance to get settled into a comfortable married routine.

I would have to disagree with a lot of the posts on here. When my husband and I started talking about having kids he was very excited. And after two kids and another on the way, I can see how that translated into him being a fantastic father. Having kids is hard work. Very hard. And if your husband isn't on board 100%, you may get left doing a lot of the hard work. I know there are times when even my husband will obliviously sit on the couch while I'm running around feeding, bathing and playing with the kids. I have found that it's a lot easier for a man to "check out" of a situation than a woman (my husband can ignore crying and there's no way that I can), so if they're not super excited to begin with and on board 100%, then it is a lot easier for him to check out.

That's just my opinion. I know most of my friends' husbands were super excited about having babies as well.

Give it time. You've not been married that long, and a 19 month old is still a handful. Enjoy these times with your husband- without more children or being pregnant. And be patient with him; having a child is a lot of responsibility for most men, so the thought of having another might be a little overwhelming for him at the moment (and yet he doesn't want to disappoint you, his new wife, by telling you no). Believe me: 2-3 years in between children isn't a bad time frame, so you've got some time!

S.,

I dont have a husband...but I do know men. He is probably feeling a little overwhelmed right now. You just got married three months ago and you are already talking about having a baby. He has a 19 month old child right now...that's pretty recent!!!! You both agreed not to have huge gaps between your children but you must realize, the 19 month old is not your child. Give him some time..if you feel he is not being truthful about wanting a new baby....he's probably doesnt want it right now. Good Luck to you!!!

S.,
If you are unsure, you need to wait. Its not like your asking him if he likes this new car your getting ready to buy! Is he the type of guy that doesnt get too excited about a whole lot? If not then my sugestion would be to sit him down and have a heart to heart. Having a child is something that a couple has to do together. If your husband isnt that into it, maybe wait alittle while longer and address the issue again. You dont want to have a two year old, and your husband tell you that it was your idea and he knew it was what you wanted, not him. Not selling your husband short, but you sholuld know for sure that he wants children, not just think. Because, I'm sure you know that they dont have a very good "trade in value" lol. Children are a blessing and although you are ready, your husband might not be.

You know, I kind of felt the same way when my hubby & I started discussing having kids. When I wanted to go off the pill and "see what happened" he had pretty much the same response you are describing. And even through my pregnancy, I felt that, although he was excited about it, he seemed a little detached. Well, now our little girl is 4 months old, and he is a WONDERFUL, ATTENTIVE, HANDS-ON daddy. My point? I think men have trouble really relating to the idea of a baby...because it's just that...an idea. Until it is actually here, they have trouble getting all excited & emotional about something they haven't yet seen or touched. Men are more tangigle than emotional. And with childbirth, women are totally different because our connection to the baby starts from the moment of conception. Anyway, I wouldn't get disheartened...he most likely really is ready to start trying, but it's just hard for him to get overly excited about such an un-known, you know?

If he said that it was OK, then take that as a green light and act on it. Keep the door open. Children usually bring grandchildren and USUALLY somebody to look after you when you get older. But there is no guarantee to either one. Don't second guess him.

I know of two cases where the divorced men didn't want a second family and they flat out denied their second wife the personal (not legal) right/opportunity to have a baby.

I know about this because this issue was a thorn in my friend's marriage. He had two girls from his first marriage and he did not want any more children. I saw the hurt and puzzlement in her face more than once, especially at my baby shower. She even threw it up in his face before the divorce right in front of us. After the divorce she told me that she got tired of the "negatives".

Why would a divorced man not want kids? Here are some of my ideas. Besides the cost, your child subtracts from what their first brood gets. They think that they already have enough responsibility. Also, should there be a second divorce, there is more to pay out in child support payments again. $$$$$.

I have a hard time with a man controlling or eliminating a woman's fertility. But, I believe that having a child should be a mutual decision (outside of surprises)where everybody is happy. Good Luck.

Hi S. - I can tell you that men are just different. My husband was the same way. He has an 12 year old daughter. He said "we could have 1 or 10 it doesn't matter to him". So one day I asked him if he was excited to get pregnant and he said "yes, but to a different extent - you have to remember I've been through this before". I promptly reminded him that this should be different because we're married and we love each other. I think they just react in a different way because they aren't actually the ones who get pregnant and they're not the ones who worry about it. I had a miscarriage in January and he was wonderful through the whole thing and he was very upset. I am 12 weeks pregnant right now and the first ultrasound that he saw last week where the baby was moving all around, he was very excited. Just give him time - he'll get excited. Good luck!

Most men just don't get as excited about having a baby as we do! I think you are reading too much into it. Your step-daughter is not that old, and the "newness" of having a baby may just not have worn off yet for him. I have a hard time with my hubby for the same things. He just doesn't seem to get as excited or worked up over the same things as me. If he told you that yes, he would like to have another child now or that he doesn't care either way whether you wait or not, he probably means it.

Some guys just don't show the enthusiasm that we do when discussing getting pregnant. My husband and I never discussed it at all. We just waited until it happened. I would ask him why he doesn't seem excited about it though and maybe with his other child only being 19 months he isn't ready yet to have another baby. I usually tell people to gap the ages 2-3 yrs. You do need to talk to him and find out why he seems to be reacting in the manner he is.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4. None planned it just worked out that way with the age gap.

Hi S.,

I don't mean to label/categorize but overall I think women tend to be emotional nurturers and men are practical providers when it comes to children.

This described the both of us w/ our first surprise baby (but very welcomed) almost 10yrs ago, but there was a 6yr-gap between her and our twins caused by miscarriages and unexplained low fertility issues that explains how we both absorbed a bit of each other's roles in how we welcome our babies.

As you grow in a healthy marriage, a wife and husband can imagine "walking in the other's shoes" in situations like this.

Peace,
K.

Hi S.! I agree that men talk in their own language. I understand what you mean when you say he says one thing but his tone and lack of excitement don't go along with his words. Men also express their feelings differenetly than women. Only you can decide whether or not the time is right. however, I agree with others that 3 months of marriage isn't very long, especially to be talking about having a baby. I understand your not wanting the kids to be far apart in age. But I think it would be wise to wait another 6-9 months before making a decision. But like I said, it's up to you. Best wishes in whatever you decide!

S., most men are not going to have the same excitement for having a baby as women are. To them, it probably moreso means not as much sleep or sex. They just typically aren't into babies like women are. Sure, there are exceptions, but not many. You also have to remember that this is not his first baby. He has one that isn't even two yet. So, he's not going to be as awe'd and taken back as you are going to be. Don't set expectations on other people for stuff like this. It doesn't matter anyway. Atleast he didn't say "no, I just got my daughter out of the baby phase" I used to get upset at my husband for not being as excited about family things as I was, but then I realized "why am I letting his reactions affect how I feel about a situation that is important to me?" Once I realized that's what I was doing, I stopped doing it, and now as long as I'm happy about it, I don't need his backup excitement or lack of to determine the way I feel about it. Trust me, guys very rarely show the same level of excitement about anything as us women do.

Hi S.,
In my experience, most men really dont get overly excited about babies like women do. I wouldnt take it personal if he doesnt go nuts with excitement when you mention getting pregnant. I would take him at his word that its ok with him if its something you want to do. With all 4 of my pregnancies, not one time did my husband actually encourage me to get pregnant or show an overwhelming amount of joy at the thought of us getting pregnant again. Even after I was pregnant, he always smiled and gave me a hug and said congratulations like I just graduated from college or something! its really not until the baby was born that he showed real emotion. I just dont think its in their nature. You know him better then anyone... if you thought that he was really really opposed and just didnt want to say it, then I would maybe wait and explore the subject a little more over time... but otherwise I would say go for it! Good luck!

S.,

I have been there too. My husband was less than enthusiastic about wanting a baby. I finally went off the pill and he was okay with it but still not really wanting a baby. Five months later we were still waiting to see what happened. I then convinced him we needed to really try. He was still not too excited. It was the same way when I wanted to have #2 and he was not ready. I prepared him for 6 months before trying for our second. I kept saying lets try when our daughter is 15 months old. It eventually worked and we now have two beautiful kids. I don't know what I am going to do if I want a third baby. I think men are a little nervous about having kids or adding to the family. Good luck.

K.

I also got the same response from my husband. They don't get excited about babies, especially just the possibility of a baby. If he said yes, then I would take him at his word, he didn't say no. He will get onboard when the baby gets here, or when he can finally make a connection. When we were trying for our second the only thing that my hubby was excited about was the possibility of more sex. Then I took the pg test and it was negative and he was actually disappointed. That was how I knew that he was on board my train. They are funny creatures, men. They ought to come with secret decoder rings!

I'm guessing that, no matter how many children he wanted and how much he loves his daughter, those first few months are ingrained in his mind like the rest of us who have been through it. When I found out I was preggers again when Eli was only 9 months old, I almost cried. It was hard to get excited about it so soon after being through all the sleeplessness, the sore nipples, the hair loss, the crying, the colic/reflux, etc...Don't get me wrong, we had every intention of having 2 kids, it was just daunting to think about doing it all over again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter how much he wants kids, he may not be overly and outwardly excited until the pregnancy test reads positive, or he hears the heartbeat, or the ultrasound shows a tine spine. Hang in there!

And as a side note...if you don't want kids so close together, be more prudent in condom or birth control usage even if you're nursing exclusively...I knew better, we just weren't careful enough!

Hi S.,

I had to laugh when I read your message. Takes me back about 4 years. This is exactly how my husband responded too. We had discussed kids before marriage and I made it clear that I wasn't marrying him to have kids, I was marrrying him because I loved him but we both agreed that if we were going to have kids it would be sooner rather than later because of our ages. Well 4 months after we were married I started asking the same things you did and got about the same response. At one point I was ready to just say, forget it. And then we had another talk and I forget exactly what he said but it turns out he was just nervous because he had never been around kids before. Not your situation exactly but I was getting the same reactions you are. I think you need to take a step back and watch his interaction with his daughter. That will give you a big clue as to whether he enjoys being a parent. Also, you can have another discussion with him and explain that you don't want to be a "single parent"... meaning that if you have a child with him, you fully expect him to change diapers, get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, etc.

Good luck, I hope thing turn out the way you want.

C.

My husband and I are tring to have another child too. We have one child who is 3 going to be 4 in november. He is for it. He has always wanted 3 or 4 kids. I would say the best thing to do in your situation is to pray...

Father God I pray that you give S. guidance how what to do in this situation. I pray Father God that you would speak to her husband's heart to show his emotion concerning wanting more children. I pray Father God that you would surround S. with your love. I thank you Father for answering my prayer.. In your name Jesus I pray amen....

Be blessed.....

Well, it appears your husband is using "man language" and you want him to use "women language". My husband didn't get excited about our baby until she was born and he held her. I don't think you should allow your feelings to be hurt by his 'lack of excitment'. Your husband sees things through blue sunglasses and women see things through pink sunglasses, we were just created differently. If he says he is ready, and you are ready, it appears that he gave his consent to stop taking birth control pills, and you can start preparing for a new family addition. Hope that helps some.

Hi S.,
all i got when my husband and i started talk about having kids before our first was born was "if it happends it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't". i wouldn't read too much into it. good luck.

It could be a couple of things. I don't think guys think of it as much of a thing as women do. Also, he already has a daughter, and the idea of having more might be freaking him out a little.

Some of it to is being so newly married, and the communication thing, at least for us, was really wierd the first few years. Plus, my husband doesn't "react" as readily as I'd like him to...I remember being really ticked off about something (can't remember what it was), and asking him, "Aren't you bothered at all by this?" He said, "Yeah..." I asked, "well can't you just show it a little??" He took his paperback book, threw it on the floor and said, "GOSH DARNIT SON OF A GUN!" I could have picked that book up and thrown it at him I was so mad! LOL

My husband wasn't entirely thrilled with having a 2nd child either, but now that she's here, he's glad we did. Of course, I'm sure that the fact that she's a complete daddy's girl contributes to the joy!

You might just sit down and tell him, "Look - this is really important to me, and I feel like you're really not as enthused about this as I am. What's going on? Is it financial worries? Having more than 1 kid? Timing? I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from and see if we can talk about it."

GOod luck!

when we found out we were having twins i wept uncontrollably with joy, and he said "well, it looks like we're gonna need another set of bunk beds" but aside from that little 'joke' i asked him are you excited about this or overwhelmed because i'm not getting a positive vibe from you. and he told me that he was just trying to make a plan, he was going to have to work harder now so he could do other things later that were good for the fam. so yours may just be feeling the weight of new fatherhood still, just talk to him let him know exactly what you said above. he may be anxious about his role. a baby is a pretty big thing which he just found out so is he the type if he didn't want another he would say 'no', 'not right now', 'maybe next year' or change the subject instead of saying go ahead if you want. you can analyze his response forever but he's the only one who can explain himself

You are expecting too much from your husband. He is not objecting. You want to have the baby, so go for it. When the child is born he'll go crazy over it, you'll see.

Having children changes the relationship between a husband and a wife. It sounds like he wants you to be happy and if you want a baby it is all right with him, but remember his first marriage ended fairly soon after his first child was born and he is remembering all of the stress and heart ache he went through then. He may not feel completely comfortable with the idea it will not happen to him again, thus the lack of the enthusiasm you are wanting him to show.

Guys don't show excitement about those sort of things. At least a lot don't. Mine was never super gung-ho about us trying to have a baby. He has a 14 year old from a previous relationship, so he was content with that, but he knew I wanted one so he said we would try. Well, lo and behold, we have a 1 year old now and my husband is so in love with that little boy.

If you husband said "sure, stop taking it if you want", then stop taking it....don't gage his enthusiasm by what you think you hear (or don't hear) in his voice. Guys are a different breed and they don't get all excited about the things we do. :o)

Good luck!

you know sometimes i think its a guy thing because my son's father was really the same exact way and it got me thinking that i had made a mistake and i felt guilty and nervous but now that my son is here he is just full of excitement towards my son but to each his own..i would hope your husband wouldn't say it's okay with him if he really doesn't want it..

I haven't read the other responses, so I apologize if I'm repeating anything. My husband and I weren't married when I got pregnant. We knew we were going to get married, just didn't know when- so this sped up the arrangements. When I told him I was pregnant, I think he was in disbelief. No excitement in his voice what-so-ever. Honestly, I was pretty scared myself. My dream has always to have a family and kids of my own. Your husband just went through this recently, so it's not "new" to him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it or he's not excited about it. He also might want to enjoy some time being newlyweds and being with just the two of you. My husband and I both thank God everyday for our little surprise. Men just react differently. They aren't the ones carrying the child, so until the baby is here, sometimes they don't feel as bonded or close.

S.,
First of all you have to realize that men think a lot differently than women do. So what may excite a woman
may do nothing for the man, my husband is like your husband
and when he says something is ok even though I don't see
any excitement or hear it in his voice I know that he is
ok with what ever it maybe. Sometimes they just don't know
how to express themselves, so we think that they could
care less about what is going on. Be patient. He will
come around, and open up to you. Just give him time.
Lots of times they just don't see the need to get excited
about things like Babies. Just give him a little time
to think about things
I hope I helped out you some

K.

Don't listen to others on "timing" if you're ready, then have a baby! I do agree with one poster, Men talk in their own way....if he says yes, then go with that, not the "tone" some men just really don't get all into it. When my hubby and I talked about this...3 months into our marriage...I was on the pill and had to go on antibiotics and I said you know this could make my pill ineffective..he was like "ok"
Well 11 years, & 2 girls later he is the BEST hubby and FANTASTIC daddy...so quit reading my email and go jump your man:)

My husband was the same way until we got the news that yes I was pregnant then he got all excited about it.He even bought a baseball bat, mitt and ball in hopes it would be a boy.We got a girl but she loved baseball and so they bonded over it very well.I think most men just think about the dirty diapers and 3 a.m. feedings when approached about it.Not all the wonderful things that parenting brings.

I think husbands in general react differently about thinking about having a baby than women do. My husband said that he wanted to try for #1 and #4 but like you said is not totally excited. I would just take what he says as lets try thats cool and try not to read into it because you want him to react a different way.

S.,

Your husband will never be as excited about babies as you are, but he should be ready. "When it doubt, don't" pertains here for several reasons. It's not just that you've not been married very long, it's more so that he's not been divorced very long that's important. I don't know how long he was married before, but perhaps this will help. I'm sure that it isn't that he doesn't love you or want to have children with you. I just don't think he's as ready as you are for a baby.

Personally, I'd wait and enjoy being married first. Building a family is like building a house. You have to build a strong foundation first or it's never going to last. (Something he's learned the hard way) You'll both enjoy having a baby much more when you're both ready and I wouldn't worry about the age gap. His daughter from his previous marriage shouldn't start your time line for the children the two of you have. Gaps in age aren't important and shouldn't stipulate when the two of you have your children. Our girls are 5 years apart and couldn't be closer. Whether you have 2 babies under 1 or 10 years between, it's not going to damage or destroy the kids.

Hears hoping you have a long, happy marriage! 22 years this December here! If you aren't going to a church, please find one. A strong marriage takes 3, a husband, a wife, & God.

When my husband and I tossed around the idea, he was pretty into it. I don't mean he was all squealing and girl-like, but he was pretty excited. And this from a guy who is pretty stoic otherwise.

Honestly, I think that being married for such a short time you just might be rushing into things. Give it time, and make sure you are both *really* ready.

He's a man you're a woman. Why would you expect him to react the same way? I personally would wait, you have not been married too long and you both need time to get to know each other better as man and wife. I'm assuming you don't want to end up like his last relationship. Yuur relationship with your spouse is the most important part of any family. If you have a solid foundation then when problems arise you can handle them better. Please focus on your marriage first and then maybe 18 months later think about having a child. I don't mean to sound pert. I am just so tired of hearing about failed marriages and how the children are affected for the rest of their lives. I am the mother of 4 kids married for 16 years; one child from a previous relationship and three with my spouse.