This is a question about sleepovers with Grandma. Let me preface this by saying my mom is awesome, we have a fabulous relationship, I love her, my kids love her, everything is awesome...most of the time. ;)
My daughter is 4.5 and my son is 2.5. Ever since my daughter was about 2 my mom has had her for sleepovers pretty often. It could have been as often as once a week or maybe only once every 2-3 weeks, it just depended on everyone's mood. She does it just for fun, has a flexible work schedule and enjoyed doing it. We were rarely asking for her to keep her overnight, but if one or the other wanted a sleepover, it usually was fine.
So fast forward to current times, my son is now realizing that he doesn't get to have sleepover with Bama (grandma) and he's starting to get upset about it and has started asking if he can do it too. I talked to my mom and asked why she never wanted to keep him too and her response was that it's just easier to keep my daughter. Well, yeah, I get it, it totally is my son is a typical 2 y/o boy. When I pointed out that my daughter was the same age, even younger, she basically just shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. I let it go, but then a few weeks later my son kept crying that he wanted to have sleepovers too, etc. etc. So, I broached the subject again and it went basically the same way, so I told her that I just couldn't allow my daughter to have so many sleepovers without him getting in on the action sometimes too.
I SPECIFICALLY said that I don't expect her to take them on the same night and it doesn't have to be all the time or even as often, but he has to do it too. He goes to bed extremely well...pretty much you read him a story and put him in the crib at bed time and you don't hear a peep for 12 hours, and yes she has a crib at her house too. It's just that mostly during his awake times he's very busy!!
Well, now she's angry at me and is acting as if I'm "keeping her granddaughter away from her", which I'm not, they still go over there to play during the days or evenings and my mom accompanies us for various outings during the week. We see her frequently, but she's mad that I won't let my daughter stay over without at least a commitment for my son to stay later in the week or the next week. Soooooooooooooo...am I being unreasonable? I know that he's only 2 and in the big picture he won't remember, but he's concious of it right now and it upsets him a great deal...so what do I do now???
Thanks to everyone for all the great responses, they helped a lot! Especially those who had opposite views and the grandparents who could offer perspective. I had thought about my mom and daughter's relationship and I hated to "sever" it, but I felt sort of trapped but I realize that making an ultimatum maybe isn't the best course of action! ;) Anyway, Mom and I talked this morning and we worked it out. She said she understood where I was coming from and I said the same. She said she's willing to give it a try and have my son sleep over sometimes too, on separate days most of the time! But she agreed to have them both over sometimes too. I think he'll be totally cool if he at least gets to do it sometimes. He loves my mom so much and just wants to be a "big kid" so badly! I am so thankful that my mom has such a special relationship with all of us, but I didn't want him to be left out on something he sees as super exciting. I feel better about the whole thing! :) Thanks!
Oh and, Ben...you should probably get some sort of gold star Grandpa award...12 at a time...Holy Moly!!! ;)
Well.....I am gonna be the odd man out.....I personally would not want to have to take care of a 2yo....just too much on us older ones!!! Sorry!
Nope, not unreasonable at all!
I had to do something similar with my MIL. It's not fair to the little one.
My mil does this too. I have 2 boys, one is 6, the other 4. She only ever wants the older one b/c it's easier... but she started taking him much younger than my youngest is now. Drove me nuts. So, my oldest no longer goes on sleepovers with her either.
Nope, you're not unreasonable. Your mom is playing favorites and that is damaging to your son. Good for you for not allowing it! Stand your ground.
This sounds so familiar. My daughter and I've been thru this with my granddaughter and grandson. At first I didn't want to keep my grandson. He is a special needs child and difficult to handle. When my daughter said she thought that unless I also had my grandson for overnights I shouldn't have my granddaughter either because it wasn't fair to my grandson. She described how upset he was because he couldn't visit. She didn't tell me that she was going to deny my granddaughter to stay overnight. She said it as a suggestion In an effort to help me understand. My initial reaction was anger. Well, more like hurt and irritation. It did feel like she was taking my granddaughter away from me.
After a couple of weeks thinking about it, I relented. My grandson now stays over night with me one night a week and my granddaughter another night a week. It's working out well. It just took forcing me to see how unfair my plan was to get me to change my mind.
I suggest you take back the ultimatum and tell your mother that you'd like for her to see how unfair it is for her grandson. Ask her to try it a couple of times and see how it goes. Be sympathetic with your mother about how you know it's extra work and a hard thing to do. Keep insisting that your grandson stay with her. Give her a couple of weeks to think about it.
My daughter also told me that I was playing favorites. We talked about how I was used to having just the one and that I felt a special connection to her. Now that I've had my grandson over I realize I was playing favorites and it was selfish of my to not at least try having my grandson on a different night. Wow! I now feel just as close with him as my granddaughter. Our relationship is different because they are different kids but it's satisfying to me to share my nights with both of them.
Suggest to her that she will come to enjoy the time with her grandson. To at least give it a try. When talking with her include both your grandson's feelings as well as hers.
A new thought. Perhaps she could have special time with him without him spending the night. Start with an afternoon. Perhaps she could then see that it's not as difficult as she thinks. And this would give her the chance of developing a closer connection.
Well, here's the deal - your mom and your daughter have a "thing".
Is there someone ELSE that your SON can have a "thing" with? Family friend? Uncle Charlie? Dad and he at the waterpark overnight while daughter/granddaughter have their sleepover and you're at the spa?
I don't believe parents or grandparents have to treat each kid exactly the same. Different kids. Different needs. It's not fair to your daughter to have to cut her "thing" out - that's going to make her resent her little brother.
There may be a boy/girl difference. There may be a "this is already established and I don't like to change my ways cuz I'm old" issue. There may be favoritism. There may be a whole bunch of reasons why grandma doesn't want to do exactly the same thing with each of your kids.
So, find a way to get everybody's needs met, without penalizing everyone and making YOU the bad guy.
Good Luck
Grandma is older now then she was. Maybe she no longer feels she has the energy to deal with a two yr old. even though she did it with your daughter. Dont tell your son that sister and Bama started this when sister was two, tell him he can do it when he's older (he sees sister is older then he is) I'd say teach your children that life does not always treat everyone the same and we can deal with it. Younger kids dont always get exactly what older kids get, but sometimes they get things like a cell phone at a younger age as the times change.
My mom kept inviting my daughter for a sleep over. One time a few months ago I told her that my son wanted to come also. I asked if that was OK. She said it may be too much, and then I said, they want to come together.
Ever since then, whenever my daughter or her Grammie decide they want a sleep over, my son goes too.
I'd just say "mom, my son wants to come. I can't send her without him also getting to do this." Stand your ground.
My son sounds like your two year old. He is the one that leave grammie alone. My daughger (the oldest) is the hard one to put to sleep, the first one up, etc.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. My grandparents used to keep all five grandkids at one shot!
Honestly, my grandparents did all sorts of things with my cousin (the only grandson), and the girls were left out a lot of the time. I built up a hell of a lot of resentment in the family. Our feelings were hurt, it made my mother angry, and my dad just shrugged it off.
I understand that there are time/money constraints, but I could never imagine telling my niece she could come but not my nephew. I remember how much it hurt us and I would never do that to someone else.
Your mom is doing psychological damage to your son by playing favorites with your daughter. I wouldn't let that happen to my kids. I love them too much.
She doesn't have to take them at the same time if she doesn't want to , but both need to have grandma time. Like moms, Grandmas are super special and both kids need to have special time with her.
BTW, I have had 12 of my grandkids over at one time and I'm no spring chicken. But I must admit, I prefer to have 6 or less and they be potty trained, but I'll take any of them that want to come over as long as they can walk.
Good luck to you and yours.
I think you are being unreasonable. Your mom is older now, and maybe doesn't want to do the terrible twos yet again. It stinks for your son, but at least she is taking one of them. Maybe your son and your daughter have different personalities. My son at 2 was much more active than my daughter ever was. I know it stinks. My in laws have my nephew over all the time for sleep overs and they refuse to watch our kids for even an hour. But...he is 2. I would do one of two things, either tell him he can't have a sleep over until he is older, or, tell him to ask Grandma when he can have one and let her handle it. I wouldn't deprive your daughter of her time though. I have fond memories of sleepovers with my grandmother (and she never had my brother over for them either ).
Yes he will remember...trust me on that. You have to give your son more credit. Granted they don't remember a lot for that age but things like that he will.
So no you aren't being unreasonable in the least. Your mother needs to see she is playing favorites and that is going to hurt your son and can lead not only to resentment toward his grandma but also his sister. You might want to try explaining it to your mother that way..that it can be viewed and then maybe she will stop and really look at the whole picture.
Not unreasonable at all, and you are an awesome mom for sticking up for your little boy on this. And your son WILL remember this. Don't back down either, just remind your mom that you have TWO kids, and they both love their grandma and want to spend time with her. She is probably just not up to your son being so busy, and that is a little understandable, but not to the point where she won't take him. Maybe you can take him over there later in the evening, so he won't have so much running around time before bed time. Good luck.
Does she know that you're insisting on this because HE is asking you about it, not because it's your idea of fair? If she knows that she's hurting his feelings by excluding him from the overnights, she might change her mind. You can also suggest a trial overnight for him to see how his behavior is away from home since she's worried. Either she'll decide she was being silly, or you'll decide he needs to be a little bit older before he sleeps away from home.
Haven't read your answers but, no, you're not being unreasonable. I don't understand why she won't at least TRY to have him stay over one time to see how it goes. If he's a good sleeper, why not just try it. I would just tell her that the little one's feelings are hurt when his sister has a sleepover and he doesn't. You're mother will just have to get over it. Your son's feelings are more important.
Stick to your guns mama!! It isn't unreasonable at all!
I think it's playing favorites so I can see that side of it. I also know that some kids are just close to you and others are not as close and they are still grandchildren you love dearly. Maybe that's playing favorites and maybe it's just like you have friends you are closer to than others. But if the grandson is asking she should at least try it a few times. Yes, it's more work and yes, maybe not a close thing like with the granddaughter. Some of us grandparents are not as up to chaos as others are either. I can see 8kidsdad having 12 over at once and all having a great time but I'm not that sort of person even though I had 8 kids. The kids weren't just there for a visit and some how it was different than 12 grandkids running around. Maybe because I was younger then too. That's just me. I love each of our 14 grandchildren but can't handle them all at once. Back to the issue. I'd ask my mom to try it for a couple of times and see how it goes, maybe pick him up earlier in the morning to cut down keeping up with an active 2 yr. old or however you want to do it but I hope she will at least let him know she loves him too.
it rocks that grandma has a great relationship with your daughter and i would be very careful about totally blocking that. but you do have a point, if it's upsetting your son.
i think, rather than putting a moratorium on the sleepovers, i'd look for other ways for your mom and your son to bond. and also other treats for him, such as having mom-and-boy movie night at home on nights your daughter has grandma sleepovers.
i hope both you and your mom loosen up a bit.
khairete
S.
I'm with you, got to be fair, it hurts being excluded.
I went thru this exact same thing with my mom but my dtr is 3 yrs older than my son. It was CLEAR that my dtr was my moms favorite. I was a little firmer with my mom than you were, I told her she either took BOTH of them or neither of them overnight. I explained the same things to her, he wanted to know why he couldn't go and he's attached to his sister at the hip so I couldn't have her go one night and him another. So it was both or none. I remember she wasn't happy about it but did end up taking them both. Now they are 12 and 9 and she takes them by choice every other saturday night AND she takes my 16 yo special needs step daughter too. So I would do the same with your mom, both or nothing and she will come around eventually. Good luck!
I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're being a good mom. I hope you can work things out. Your kids should each get their special time with grandma. Otherwise, resentment will build between your son and daughter and between you and your mother.
I think your being reasonable. I know that my son's half-sister regularly stays with their dad's mom. I didn't even ask her about if he would be allowed to do it too one day. She just told me "once he gets potty trained, him and I are gonna have so much fun with him staying over here." Her only stipulation is being potty-trained cause she doesn't want to change diapers all day and night if she doesn't have too. I think you went about it right too, saying either both get the opportunity and or neither do. Your mom will get over it eventually.
Obviously to your mom it is a girl thing. I always spent the night at my grandma's but my brother did not. My brother is two years older than me so when I was around two I started spending the night there. My brother never cared, he may have cared if my grandpa was still alive at the time but he wasn't. We did girl things, he had no interest.
Thing is your son is only asking why and you are making it about her preferring one over the other and it just isn't that. It is about doing girl things so just tell him that an move on. I get that you see this as hurting your son but now you are hurting your daughter because she is losing that time with her grandma just to placate your son, ya know?
Oh, I don't think you are being unreasonable I just think you are not seeing this from all sides.
It was fine until it started making your son unhappy. Now it's not fair. Maybe in a year or two,when your son is easier, grandma can take one one week and the other the next. If she is not willing to do that, no more sleepovers. You are being reasonable. Make sure that you let her know that you totally understand why she doesn't want to deal with a 2.5 yo overnight; they are a lot more work. But also let your mom know that your son has noticed the favoritism, and it is time to stop the sleepovers for a while.
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ETA: OK. I agree with Jo W. If your son isn't hurt by the girl time idea, then no harm no foul.
I would ask her when she will have time to see her grandson & explain how its hurting his feelings. and yes stick to what you think its right cause in time it will lead to hurt feelings and the sister may chance lording it over her brother
IMO your are not unreasonable. It's ok if grandma says that the little one is too much for her to handle, but in that case your DDs sleepovers have to stop too - just make sure that nobody blames it in little brother.
He may just be little now, but if you let this continue he will pick up on it eventually and it is just not ok to pick favorites.
Maybe as he gets older he will calm down a bit and he and his sister can take turns...
I would stick to my guns on this one.
