Unrealistic Expectations

Yes, I've had this happen, and yes, I completely agree with you. I think most issues or problems could be avoided if us humans were a little more compassionate & cut others some slack.

Yes, I see it on here all the time! Women getting so bent out of shape over what their friends, family members, in laws SHOULD be doing, or how they perceive their children SHOULD be treated.
There is such a sense of entitlement, they often only consider their own expectations, and if those around them don't fall in line they feel slighted.
It drives me crazy. When I had kids I never expected anything from anyone, other than my husband or course. I had no preconceived notion of how a MIL or grandmother SHOULD be, I just took mine for what she is, warts and all :)
Maybe my expectations are low, but it seems to work for me. I don't have much to complain about because I don't expect too much. I'm rarely disappointed and often surprised!

At the beginning of my relationship with my husband we had VERY different communication styles, and we'd piss each other off CONSTANTLY because of the way something was said LOL. I think it's immature to assume someone can read your mind and it's pretty selfish to think that you're the forefront of someone's thoughts all day (or in a certain situation). I just read a post about a wife questioning her marriage because of the way the husband didn't send I love you texts.. If you want something and it's going to hurt you THAT bad that when you don't get it you act out then you need to speak up. If I'm having a migraine and it will make me feel better for my husband to come cuddle with me I ask him and he's always more than happy and just didn't do it so I could rest. Perfect example of people NOT being able to read your mind. Bottom line if you want something speak up, if you don't want to speak up then don't throw a tantrum when you don't get it.

AMEN, Mamazita (see below). I would bet most of the posts on this site are about miscommunication. We should cut everyone a break. We focus on what WE want, not necessarily what others want, and then we get mad when they don't deliver. It's probably always been this way, but it seems that we have an easier time disseminating our grievances and finding a few like-minded individuals with similar attitudes to agree. I love this question!

If I had a dollar for every time my advice was simply, no O. can read minds.....well I could retire.

Like the he never texts I love you, not sure how many times when asked they never text it to them. Why didn't my husband pick up dinner for the family, he knew I was working a longer day. Yeah he knew but he didn't put together what that meant.

I find myself doing it from time to time but before I get my knickers in a twist I think to myself how exactly would they know. If mind reading is involved I call myself stupid and move on.

I agree fully. It's O. of my soapbox issues. We need to be honest with ourselves and with others and recognize the results of that. We cannot hold anyone else accountable for the expectations that we have based on our assumptions. Period.

I ask questions and talk about everything. I would get on my husband's nerves early on because I would ask lots of questions. He thought that I was grilling him. Example: He would get up on Saturday morning and "run errands" (not every weekend). I liked to laze around for a bit. I would ask where he was going and what he was doing. I wasn't being accusatory, but I wanted to understand what "errands" were for him. Before I could build an expectation of what the weekends would look like or just how he conducted his life in certain areas, I had to know what I was dealing with. No assumptions. Now, I understand that he likes to get up and get his day going before it gets away from him. If he needs to get car oil changed or tires rotated or car washed, etc., he likes to get that out of the way before other people get there. Also, he likes to get it over and done, so he can laze around later on and feel like he got something done.

I'm never surprised when people don't know what I expect or don't fit what I wish they would do. I'm also good at making myself clear. So I don't hold grudges for things when people didn't know better, and I don't cut any slack when they did :)

Case in point. The first few times the in laws showed up uninvited for much longer than we would allow despite our pleas that it was a bad time, I was miffed, but realized, to them it was OK and what "family did". Then I laid down the law for us on how visits should be handled in OUR HOME, and when they STILL wouldn't stop doing it, I gave up my respect for them and now never try to be nice. This happened with lots of things with them. Sometimes people don't know better, and sometimes they have no interest in a mutual working relationship.

As for 'help', when I was on bed rest and they insisted on coming to "help" me with two toddlers while the hubs was out of town ( I had said it was a bad time to visit because of the missing hubs and bed rest, but they turned it into coming to "help" because they had already planned the trip), I thought they KNEW I needed help with the dishes, the meals, the laundry, the kids.....instead, they needed me to feed them (the inlaws), clean up after them, watch at least O. of the kids at all times while they napped or focused on another kid, just like they were "visiting". Any normal polite person should be expected to know better imo, but I literally had to ask them to do every single thing they did-and sometimes they still didn't! It was way more work than just laying down, letting things get out of control and nuking meals for myself, which is what I should have done.

So it depends on if they really have no idea and make a mistake, or if they're just not terribly sensitive and giving to begin with.

hehe I've learned I need to write or say every little thing I want/need my husband to help me with in order to get it done. He will not see a huge pile of dishes and say "Hey, I should help out and do those" but he WILL wash a plate/bowl/cup/fork for HIMSELF when he wants to eat!

So yes, I agree... no matter how much you hint at - most people need to be told plainly what you expect or need. I don't need that, I tend to see what's needed or wanted before it's asked, or can tell by hints what is wanted. I wish everyone could be that way, but most aren't.

I am guilty of that. O. major example would be, about 2 years ago my daughter was prepping for a surgery that required major recovery time. At the same time I would have had to drive her twin back and fourth to school, and still do stuff with her so she doesn't feel punished for 2 months. I thought, i honestly thought, my mom, after hearing about surgery and recovery details would say i will come and stay with her while you have to drive back and fourth. she never offered. i was so surprised yet I never asked. The reason I never asked is because my mom and I are the same: we go out of our way to be there for people, family or otherwise. If I could and it would help someone, I would put my kidney on a platter and not think twice. but she never offered. surgery came and went. husband was able to take a week off so for that week he drove our daughter back and fourth to school. the next 7 weeks, dead winter, january, i had to put my daughter in car 4 times a day, for 7 weeks. i partly feel that caused her surgery not to be successful. After we heard the surgery had failed. My mom called to ask what end result was. i told her. and she said i wonder why didn't the surgery work? and i blew up on her, told her because i had to drag her back and fourth every day, several times a day when she should have been recovering. i blamed myself for all of it. still do. well, her response? I was waiting for you to ask me to come. really? if you know me, and she does, i will never ask of anything. i will go hungry and die of hunger before i ask. i must always do it myself. and she knows this because my mom is the exact same person.
time passed. i couldn't really forgive her.
i still haven't.
my daughter will have the surgery next year again.
my mom knows.
it's 8 months before the next surgery and my mom has already asked me to allow her to come for 8 weeks. then she apologized. and cried and said she doesn't know why she didn't offer.
i am sad she didn't. i am happy she will help me next time.
do i make sense?

Hi, Denise:

This is so true.
The way to stop this insanity is to communicate or ask for what you need or expect. The response can let you know what further action you need to take.

Thanks for asking.
D.

www.iirp.org

I've always said communication is key.... no O. can read your mind....(kinda like with my dog sitting dilemma).....

Doesn't matter if it's a marriage, friendship or family ....communication is key.