Unmotivated 8 Year Old

Does he have trouble at school with the same type of issues? Talk to his teachers and see if they are noticing that he struggles with getting things done and staying on task at school. Good Luck
L.

So hard to let those consequences happen, but when my daughter was about that age, I told her that it was up to her to get ready for school, and that it if she wanted to endure the embarrassment of not being properly dressed and groomed, that was her choice. I said this kindly, by the way, and not at a time when I was feeling upset about her dawdling.

If he rides with you to school, or has to meet a schoolbus, then you might tell him you'll have a stand-by paper bag of clothing, and that he can wear pajamas in the car or on the bus until he can change in the school restroom. Allowing him to skip breakfast a time or two is also a possibility, with perhaps the option of carrying a nutrition bar that he can eat during recess. Or adapt those ideas to fit his actual circumstances.

My daughter got it without a further word from me, and she never suffered those consequences.

What's "going on" could be that he might actually be ready to accept more self-control, but that your constant urging doesn't give him quite enough space to find that in himself. It's a really hard line for parents to find – what's enough and what's too much.

Ach! I so get this. I have a few ideas but I will tell you this was a tough one for me too because I am pretty timely and regimented. I had to learn to let go and realize this was my sons thing. He needed "flake out" time in the morning. He couldn't function like me. I had to let go of things like.......combed hair! I let him go to school not looking perfect without the perfect breakfast.

Your boy is still young, so I would probably make lunch for him the night before to take one thing off of him. I didn't make lunch for my older son and soon realized he was too lazy to do a good job and ended up eating junk that the other kids didn't want. I was sorry I pushed that on him.

Your son probably doesn't worry about being on time because he knows you will remind him. This may not be a conscious thing, but it has become a pattern. So.....stop reminding him. Tell him you love him and you think it is time for him to get ready on time himself. Tell him you won't be reminding him anymore.

It sounds like he gets up okay, but gets distracted doing other things. So just go into the kitchen in the morning after you are dressed and have your cup of coffee or tea. When it looks like he will be late, don't worry about it. When he comes strolling in and already a half hour late just take him to school. Let the school handle the consequences. You may want to call them ahead and tell them what you are doing. Ask them to provide a reasonable consequence like staying after school to make up the time.......if your son has to miss baseball practice so be it. If he was supposed to go home with a friend tell him you are so sorry and sad for him, but it wouldn't be convenient for you to drop him off that late. Take him home, etc....
After a week or two he will probably do better about being on time, but do take into consideration his maturity. He may still need you to wake him or help him set an alarm. Help him lay out his clothes, etc... Encourage him to shower the night before, but still get up early. Make the mornings as stress free as possible.

Another idea, if he gets ready early he can eat breakfast watching his favorite video......I found that immediate gratification can work better than earning over time.

L.,
You are about to have a LOT of fun as you train your son to manage freedom responsibly and respect you in the process. I recommend you get your hands on Love and Logic materials. The Deschutes library system in Central Oregon has tons of their books, like Parenting with Love and Logic, and also many of the DVD's, like "Real World Parenting Solutions that Prepare Kids for the Real World."
In the meantime, while you're waiting for those holds, go to their website www.loveandlogic.com and their blog site www.loveandblogic.com. There you will find many of their strategies detailed clearly. You can also become a fan on facebook and call or email their parenting help hotline for instant help!
What I love about Love and Logic (and Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk) is that they teach us as parents to be respectful to our kids and give our kids appropriate control. The end result, often within days, is PEACE! And, you start falling in love with your kids again. I have spent no $ in putting these ideas into practice, just a lot of energy in switching my paradigm of acting and reacting!
Best of luck!

On a poster board or something, write down in chronological order, what he is supposed to do... each morning, on his own and what time.

If he does not do those things, then oh well. He goes to school as is.

I love the paper-bag idea that Peg M. gave below!

Some kids/adults even, have a hard time getting themselves ready and/or knowing what to do first... and keeping time in mind too. (My Husband is one of them... not that he's an idiot or lazy.. he just has his own rhythm. Thankfully, at work, he is super efficient. Go figure).

All the best,
Susan

Ditto Peg & Susan!! :)

R

I don't have an 8 year old of my own, but I do teach 3rd and 4th graders in an after school program. This is not the kind of after school program that kids choose to go to, but rather that parents make their kids go to, so I face the problem of motivation every class! I have found that a little friendly competition is the way to go. There are always two teams that I make up and they race to get a certain number of points to win special privileges and prizes. I know this is similar to a rewards chart, but if you make it a game between you and your son (and other family members) maybe it will keep him interested for longer, also (I'm not sure what your rewards were) make sure that the rewards are actually worth it to him...a new lego set or video game, and not just things that are common like tv time or dessert; this will make it that much more enticing and special.

Good luck!

my son was like this. slowest kid I knew. I finally told him that I was leaving now! and he could get in the car dressed or in his pj's. he got in his pj's dragging his clothes behind him only a couple of times. it sounds harsh, but it is natural consequences. he is now the most organized person I know and we laugh at the memory of this.

ps. if you get two of these messages, I apologize, I wrote one, and it disappeared.

I would have him make his lunch in the evening as well as pick out his clothes for the next day. Write down what he needs to accomplish in the morning and then give him 15min, 10min, and 5min warnings when it is close to time to go. If he isn't dressed, oh well. He gets in the car or on the bus the way he is. It will only happen once if at all. Sometimes natural consequences are the best teacher.

As I am yelling at my son to wash his hair and get out of the shower... which I have been doing for the last 15 min... I can't help but laugh and think "I know EXACTLY what you are going through!". (BTW... I just went to tell him again and he finally has shampoo in his hand!)
Time him. Invest in an egg timer and write out a schedule for him... 6:30 a.m... wake up. 6:40 a.m. (allow him LOTS of time to wake up before you start asking him to do anything... if that means you have to wake him up earlier, do it.)... bathroom time (brush teeth, wash face, etc.). 6:50 a.m. get dressed. Etc. etc. The key to it is allowing lots of extra time for each thing so he doesn't feel rushed. Set the timer for a few min. less than the schedule allows. EX. if he has 10 min. for bathroom time, set it for 7 min. When the timer goes off, it will be a reminder to you and him that his time is up. Setting it a few min. early allows for reminders from you without running out of time on the days that he needs them.
When he does good, REWARD, REWARD, REWARD. When he's having a rough day, explain to him how much you need his help in being responsible. Don't mention that he doesn't get a reward, but do mention that you will have to ground him, etc. if he doesn't focus.
This sounds like it will take a lot from you, and it will for a while, but you get toa point that he knows what that bell means. The problem is, they live in dreamland. Time frames mean NOTHING to them because they are always daydreaming. I just told my son he had 2 min. to finish his shower... it's 20 min. later and he's just getting out and has no clue that he went past 2 min. I call him Peter Pan a lot because it's like he's in a totally different world and thinks time is standing still back here on earth! The concept of time is just not there.
Last, but not least... have him tested for ADD. Even if he's not hyperactive, he could still be Attention Deficite. My son will sit still in the classroom, at home, etc. for an entire day and never disrupt anyone... but he will never get a thing done. There are therapies, meds, diets, etc. that will help if this is the case with your son.

As I was reading through other parents responses, I noticed a trend of "it's his choice". While I agree that letting him go to school in less than "perfect" (pj's on, hair not combed, etc.) condition is not such a bad idea. Keep in mind that while it may be true that he is choosing to minipulate you into doing things for him, etc... it's most likely something he can't help. It breaks my heart to see a child with this issue disciplined for something they can't control. Lack of focus is a disability in some children. I strongly encourage you to make sure he is choosing to do, or not do, these things before you discipline him.

I recommend you read the "Parenting With Love and Logic" book. It will help you with this problem, as well as many others. The authors believe in natural consequences for behavior. Instead of yelling, the parent can be empathetic about the situation the child has created for himself. You can Google "Love and Logic", and find lots of information, but you probably want to buy a copy of the book.

First off..I know your pain..mine was the same. One of the ways that we took care of it is by realizing its not that he doesn't know what or how to do the things..its that he's not sure what order to do them in, and how to find the time to do everything you want done. He's overwhelmed as you are, but in a different way..its his first time around on figuring this out ..the whole organizing time thing. We can "tell time" but how much time is spent teaching kids how to get things done in "a certain amount of time" outside the classroom? We say things like "In five minutes..or we "guesstimate" time.."It's about 4pm now and I have to be there at 4:35pm...I am going to be soooo late...(even if you won't actually be late..you don't often tell them what will happen when you are late..your boss could decide he/she wants someone who can be there at 4:35pm..not 10 minutes later). They don['t understand that parents have "bosses of them" too. They think adults are all in collusion to make their lives more organized not for them to be organized for us. It takes awhile but do things in steps. "Go get dressed and get your shoes on. I'll see you in 10 minutes for breakfast". When there is four minutes left do a "check on" simply ask about progress. If there isn't as much as you'd like take a deep breath..and say it "I'm really glad to see that you have some of what I asked done!" Even if all it is that he managed to get his underclothes on...at least its progress from the towel. But go further with it...have high expectations but understand they won't be met immediately. You will even get some rebellion when he starts to get it. When you see that..then you hand the clock to him..get him a watch. Make him learn to set the alarm. That's all you can do..is teach them the steps..give them the tools to help make them happen :) Good luck! And while your at it ..you can have a little fun with it...make it a race. " I bet you five minutes of computer time you can't beat me getting your clothes on!) And if he wins and gets done ahead of time..he gets that five minutes..when everything else is done. But only five minutes. (Start these things when you DON'T have to be anywhere. Don't tell him you don't have to be anywhere..just go about a schedule you normally would and add competition. Little boys love a race :)

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! For posting this and for all the wonderful, realistic, helpful responses. I am SO in the same boat right now with my oldest. Sadly, with a younger sibling, I'm finding she is following suit so it's really hard for me to live and let live, you know? I've tried the charts, rewards, idle pjs in a bag threat, some of which got him moving but not always. I finally set up a little chalkboard in his room on his dresser so it's the first thing he sees. He and I brainstormed a list of all the things he needs to take care of before breakfast. If it's not done, he doesn't eat (as much or as leisurely). That sees to work, but it's a work in progress. In regard to the younger sib, I remind him of who is watching. He always says, my sister and then he zips on up the stairs to take care of business. I know I have a long road to hoe, but I have to say after reading all of the responses, I feel lifted and relieved. It is HIS issue, afterall. I just need to continue to provide the tools, encourage/motivate him to use them and see where we land. Thank you for the insight everyone and posting this frustrating issue. Thank goodness we are NOT alone in this parenting thing!

Consequences - like walking to school for being late, no TV no friends, no video games when homework is not done - I have to make my daughter sit at the table and she's not allowed to get up until her homework is done. My daughter often refuses to bring her jacket. She gets cold - then wants mine. I remind her how I suggested she bring it, and now she's cold. Sorry, she can't use mine!

Since rewards aren't working, try natural consequences. For example, when I have to dress my daughter because she won't get ready, I tell her, "If I have to dress you, I get to pick what you are going to wear." That usually gets her dressed on her own, and if she doesn't get dressed, I pick the clothing and make her keep it on whether she likes it or not. (My taste is different than hers - she's also 8)

I've gone out the door, when they weren't ready, and all of a sudden them realizing I'm leaving. Boy that gets them in motion - QUICKLY! If they want to go with me somewhere and they're not ready, they get left behind!

My husband and I use money as another way to motivate our 8 year old boy. He used to call himself as a money boy when he was younger and he still loves money. He has collected $100 so far and says that he won't spend it on pretty much anything until it becomes a million dollars so when he grows he will buy his own house. He is a cute boy. It works with him. We give him $1.00 for each book he reads and now we have started with $5 at the end of the week for super behavior at school and at home. Hope this helps.

I agree, he is old enough to be doing those things on his own. He he's acting like a baby, treat him like a baby:

- make him go to bed early
- don't let him talk to or hang out with his friends
- when you go shopping, don't let him pick out his clothes, shoes, etc.
- don't let him pick out his own snacks or have input on his lunch.

Maybe this will remind him that you can not pick and choose when you're gonna be mature. If you're not mature enough to get yourself ready in the morning, you're not mature enough to do any of the things I just mentioned.

Hope this helps!

Loving this :-) My 13 yr son is the "one more minute" type... doesnt matter how many minutes you give them, its always one more with me standing by the door yelling "I am leaving!". What has worked for this one case is similar to others below said - I tell him once or twice that I am ready to go (5 minute warning, etc), then I GO. I open the garage door (another warning sound for him), start the car (another warning sound), back out of the garage and close the garage door (ANOTHER warning) and wait a minute to see if he makes it. If not, I start slowly down the street. He may have to run a block to catch up, but I haven t gotten any farther than that before he makes it :) If I am taking a friend home I do the same thing but add "I am leaving now with or without you, and his parents are going to be pretty confused if I show up without him!" and then I leave and do the inching thing. A few times of running down the block has gotten it to the point where one garage door sound pretty well gets him out the door!

And I agree with everyone else - its REALLY hard, but letting them do things themself instead of the order/way I would do it really is the best way. My son has even told me it makes him "feel independent" (his words!). So now at night I dictate to him everything I want him to do the next day (chores, etc) and watch while he writes it down (this does NOT work if I write it down for him) and just tell him to be sure they are done before I get home from work. So far so good! Will see what happens when he hits 14 :)

Another morning motivator (for me and him!) is turning on the radio or his favorite music pretty loud. Its hard to sit still when a good beat from a favorite song is going! Your heart rate steps up to match it, getting you moving... (same reason you pick faster music to exercise to).

Good luck!

--Oh! And for natural consequences... not quite but... I got so tired of telling him to pick up his clothes from behind the bathroom door (it got to the point you couldnt open it most days), that finally I took the door off the hinges (and hid the pins). A week of having to either move the door to get privacy or using another bathroom two floors down and he begged for it back. I put it back and for a month I have not had to mention the clothes but once, and he quickly taken care of it!