Uninvolved Grandparents...

TALK to him. he may not have any idea that you have these expectations and that he is not fulfilling them. you can't expect him to know what your thinking and wanting without communicating it to him.

it sounds like when he only had you and your family that was his life. now that his family has expanded he has less time, or is making less time with you. he may be trying to build bridges with his new extended family. you sound very angry when you say your stepmom appears to only make time for her family. being married is stressful and starting over with someone when you can be set in your ways must be hard.

take some time, talk to your dad. use the personal statements, I feel.... I think.... I want... my expectations are... do NOT you the YOU statements. you're not there for me, you are not the grandpa i imagined you to be... NO you's. don't be angry and hurt when you talk. be specific. when you said you wouldn't take our 4yr old I felt.... explain yourself.

you might really be surprised in what he feels he is doing and what you feel he isn't doing. you may learn how much time and effort it takes for his new marriage and family. don't know, but find out.

Dear Maretta,

I am very sorry that I did not see this when you posted, but I still feel I have to respond even though your request is several weeks old.

I, too, was exactly like you. I grew up with two sets of close grandparents. My dad's parents were 2 1/2 hours away. My Mom's parents lived in the same town and I saw them almost every day of my life. They were literally "second parents" - keeping me while my Mom worked part time, going on vacations with us, etc. My Mom was an only child and I am an only child, so we were "tight" with my maternal grandparents - with my Mom and me being treated more like sibling children of her parents. So I can relate to you.

However, I am now 54 and "have seen a lot." Families like yours (when you were a child and mine as a child) are almost unheard of because we are so unique. Dynamics among families can be very different. The MOST important thing for you to realize is that is that you cannot "assign" motives to your Dad's behavior without knowing more than you do. And I personally would be cautious about talking to him abut it before you stealthily observe/learn more. There are several reasons I feel this way. Many of your responders are RIGHT ON and have addressed some of these:

- Your dad may not FEEL well enough physically to keep your children the way that you had envisioned/hoped. And if that is the case, don't expect him to necessarily be forthright about it. Many men do not want to come face-to-face with their own aging (e.g. "mortality") when they are beginning to see diminishing capability in themselves. Perhaps there is something that you do not know about the health of his spouse. She might be prone to getting nervous with small children around. Either way, congratulate him for saying no to you if there is some reason that it would not be emotionally or physically safe to keep your son. You just don't know his motivations (!) and it "could" be awkward to ask.

- Your father's actions may NOT be inspired by his health or by his new wife in any overt way. His actions may only have to do with his new marriage from the perspective that he now has other interests to occupy his time. If this is the case, SIMPLY REJOICE, and praise God that he is not lonely and experiencing personal decline due to grieving for your mom. All too often this happens- a remaining spouse grieves and withdraws. This is a far worse problem for the children (you) than the one you are experiencing now. Like one responder said, at last you HAVE him! Enjoy the relationship on his terms and see what happens as time goes by.

I say this because I also have personally seen what happened when a parent married a truly self-centered second mate following the death of their spouse. This happened to my husband when he was 17. His mother died and his father remarried ~ 7 months later to a controlling woman who was "gifted" in finding ways to dominate, overshadow and generally sever any memory of the "family" that had existed. My husband's father was essentially "lost" to him and to his (3-year younger) sister for more than 30 years! Only in the last few years has my husband been able to reestablished a relationship with his elderly dad. So much time and joy missed! At least it does not seem that you have a stepmother who is purposefully disruptive and unagreeable (and you really cannot imagine how many people are dealing with some form of this problem! Sad.)

So, in love, I just suggest that you let go of "expectations" and accept, with a positive attitude, what you do have. Make the most of every experience between your dad and your child. Find other resources for baby-sitting for overnight trips (at least for now.) And see what changes time will produce. Someday, you dad may be taking your son with him on short outings. And, the fact that the "model" is not what you experienced does not govern how close your dad and your son turn out to be.

Wishing you, your Dad and your son the BEST of times!

Warmly,
K.

I am very sorry for what you are going through and would like to put my own spin on things. I lost my dad right after my son, his first grandson, was born...he had cancer my whole pregnancy and we were all very blessed he made it long enough to hold my son. I KNOW exactly what kind of Grandpa my dad would have been to my kids and it is very hard for me to think of...he would have enjoyed them so much...I have had two more kids since then. On my husband's side, we still have his step dad (really his dad), my husband's Grandpa, and then his biological father that doesn't live near us. We also have my mom still, my husband's mom and grandma. I am very blessed to have these people and I KNOW I have much more than a lot of others do, but I had the EXPECTATIONS of what things would be like with my dad and what I would hope from the other Grandpa's. And for along time it just made me sadder that my kids couldn't have that kind of relationship with any of the grandparents. And then one day I realized that I just set my expectations too high......that Grandparents shouldn't have "expectations", that I should accept and be happy with any kind of relationship that my kids can have with their grandparents. I had a idea of what I wanted from the grandparents.....my kids want exactly what they get from them and they love them and have a different relationship from what I thought would be. We all want more for our kids, no matter what we are talking about. And I'm sure you feel like he is being ripped off from a Grandpa...but he's not...his Grandpa is there even if it's not what you expected the relationship to be. I don't want to make you feel bad, but try to concentrate on what you have instead of what you expected.
I don't think it would be bad to talk with your dad...but I'd tell him that it is fine if he doesn't want to watch your kids but that you would like it if he could make more of an effort to come and see him when you are at home. Maybe make an effort to invite him to come to the park or whatever you and your son do together...invite him along.

Good luck!

I will speak on behalf of grandparents since I am one. I am sorry you feel the way that you do about your father, but you must also understand at the time he was over all the time he had no one but you and your family since he had last his wife. He has now remarried and has his own life even though you do not agree with it. Sometimes maybe he does some of the things he does to smooth the situtation with his current wife and maybe in his heart he knows it is best not to have your son over with the way his wife is. Unfortunately there is no contract that says grandparents become full time babysitters as they do have a life just as you do. I will say that I do watch my grandson every day to help my daughter save up some money and not have to pay for daycare, but I have to also admit it takes it toll on me as he is very active and I am not as young as I use to be. It isn't that I don't adore my grandchildren but the older we get the harder it is. When the children get maybe 4 - 5 years old it is different because they are must more independent. I could not watch my grandchildren for days at a time as it was just so hard to do since they are so active. I didn't mind watching them for a few hours so my daughters could go out but then sometimes it got to where I felt I was being taken advantage of. Once you become a parent it is your responsibility to take care of your own children just like your parents did and not feel that grandparents "owe" anyone. I know you had grandparents who were always there but that was then and it is now and times have changed. I lost my father at a young age however I never asked my parents or my mother after she was a widow to watch my children for a few days as I knew it would be hard on her, but I didn't hesitate to ask her if she would watch them once in a while for a few hours so I could go out. I didn't want to put my mother through the stress nor my children. Again remember your father is not as young as he use to be as a few years have now passed since your son was born. I know your father loves your son but he now has another family and all of you should get along and you should respect their conditions. I would talk to your father and let him know how you feel, but don't be selfish about it. I am sure when you hear what he has to say you might understand his position better. I hope this doesn't upset you, but to many times we blame the grandparents and remember you will be there one time yourself and then you will find how hard it is. Also as we get older we are not as quick and I would worry a little bit about safety. Older people are use to living their life and not having to worry about a child, what time they wake up, when they eat, where they go and they get in this habit and then when that is turned around it can become very stressful. Try to understand your father and remember he loves and adores you and wants to have a good relationship with you but it has to be on his terms as well. I am sure the two of you can come to some compromise and understanding. Remember he will not be around forever so please do not let this put a wedge between you two. If only I had my parents back again, I would do things a little differently.

You were always close and should probably talk to him, but when you're calm. It wouldn't hurt, but don't expect him to change. It might even make him mad or hurt. He was involved in the beginning because he was lonely. He has a new life now, not that you're not part of it, but he is no longer lonely and busy keeping his new wife happy. He's probably having fun. Taking care of a 4 year old for 2 days is too much work for an older person in my opinion. My parents did it when I was in the hospital, but they were in it together and it really wore them out. That was 3 years ago. Now they are 72 and I really don't think they could handle it right now if I asked them. They took my kids the other day as a favor for me for 3-4 hours and were so ready to hand them over to a younger person. They love my children, but just can't handle the energy level by themselves. Be happy that your father isn't lonely. He will live longer and long enough that your kids will remember him. Invite them over often as a whole family to make sure that your kids get to know them. Accept their offers of babysitting readily but be very aware of the limitations and honor those limits. Make every effort to involve them, but don't pity yourself for not having a free babysitter when you need it. Don't mourn your father, he's still around. Find a way to include him that he is comfortable with and enjoy every minute of it or you will regret it for the rest of your life. I'm not trying to be mean, but the sooner you realize this, the better off you will be emotionally. Be strong. Embrace your father and his new life and you will stay a part of it and make great memories for yourself and your children.

Hi Maretta,

I know that you come from great love and want that for your children. I feel for you. This is a disappointment.

I feel sorry for your dad, too. I bet he feels caught in the middle. It sounds like he was off to a good start. But he isn't getting any younger. It seems like you feel clear about the role the "new" grandma is playing in separating your dad from your baby. Is it difficult to lose a spouse. Maybe the thought of spending the rest of his life without a wife to take care of him is so frightening that he's willing to sacrifice other relationships that are very important to him.

It is also possible that his health is not allowing him to be as active a caretaker that he would like to be, but he is too proud to say so. Have you noticed him slowing down at all? I say this because it is something I've noticed with my husband's mother. She's been so active with our older child, but she hesitates to keep the baby. I think it is because she doesn't trust herself, though you would never hear her say a word about her health. You would have to be very close to her to notice her slowing down. At first I was a little hurt on behalf of my baby because she is such an awesome grandma. I didn't want him to miss out. But now I see clues -- it sometimes looks like she's masking a lot of pain. SO I'm giving her the graceful way out by not saying anything and just not asking her to take baby for long periods of time.

I do think that you should talk to him. Maybe take him out to dinner, just him, and tell him how you feel. Do not mention his new wife. Don't put him in the middle. Just talk about what he and your babies are missing out on. Be honest. It is better to get it out in the open than wonder "what if?" after he's gone.

Good luck.

I think it is always worth talking about if you are willing to accept that he may not change his stance. It is also important to understand why he has choosen this level of involvement without judgement. I can understand your sadness, I have a friend that has a similar situation. Her little girl has called me gramdma since she could talk. I fulfill the role her grandmother does not enjoy and with her blessing and encouragement. She is still a part of her life but to the level she is comfotable. Sometimes we have to grieve the loss so we can open the door to other possibilities.

I don't think that it would hurt to talk to him about your feelings. It cold be that your new step mother has been afraid of stepping on toes. Many parents don't share your opinion of what a grandparent should be. IF they tell you that this is the way that they prefer it, you need to be prepared to hear that also. This is his life and he should have the freedom to do with it what he wants. 10 grandchildren is a lot of grandchildren. They may not be able to give this kind of time to all of the grandchildren and don't want to play favorites. There could be any number of reasons, but they are all valid. Good luck and I hope that you get the answers that you are looking for.