Hi Ladies,
Sometimes it's easier to give advise or express your own personal experience when it not you involved. Well, I'm involved so I am having a hard time with a situation, I need some help with.
I have a neighbor who for the past 3 yrs I never saw while her husband was in away at the war. Now, all the sudden her and her child have surfaced. I think I saw their family car but never them outside of their house. She said her child was in after school care at a day care last year. She is a stay at home mom so not sure why I never saw her. Anyway not really the point except now her child is not in any after school care and seems to since the start of school be at my house or wants my kids to be at their house.
This is causing problems in many ways. As soon as my kids are off the bus it's "can they come" or "Can I go". I used to have just my kids and a few other families that keep to themselves at the bus stop. Now with this kid in the mornings and at night at he bus stop I have less control over my kids and the situations. His mom is all so happy to let her child go and no regard that I have three kids and it takes longer for me to accomplish night time dinner, homework, etc..
My husband works nights so I get the brunt of it all the mornings with the kids and night. We used to have quite days after school, the kids would have a snack, play, watch some tv then do homework. We'd have dinner, reading, bathes, bed.
It's harder this kid can't sit still, runs a muck. Doesn't understand that my kids need down time and neither does his mother. I have before set a standard when one child was having a difficult time reading, no friends only on weekends we can play. School is first, then play and some tv just before bed. When my kids get off the bus this kids mom is ready to agree, play. She only has homework with one child and her husband is now home at night. Don't get me wrong I think there's a time for play but not every single night and I am thankful his dad protects our country.
What I don't understand is why her kids can't just go home some nights? Why I have to deal with a tantrum from my youngest if they can't play? Why I can't have another mom back me up on play only a few nights a week? Why she doesn't see I have a bit more work alone at night then she does without help?
Right now one of my kids got sick over the weekend, so it my chance to get away from her child coming over every night. How do i keep in that way? Should I even consider picking up my kids after school to get away from this kid?? Sorry if anyone thinks I'm not nice I just like my kids having school as first, play later and not always with a neighbor child. I was kind I have let this child over the first week of school every night but now school work is getting harder and I'd like it the way it used to be, before him.
What would you do??
During the first start of school my kids didn't have much homework so I let them play. Now school is in full force and there is more homework for the two older kids, the K has some also. They all are to ready every night class assignment for each grade 20 mins. I Have one child with adhd (he has tried other methods Daytrana works for him) he needs it he can't focus we tried school without it, he, his class and teacher had a difficult time. So I do know what it's like to have a child with adhd. I realize this other mom has her own lifestyle however I'm not happy that she is ready to on a continued basis interfere with my lifestyle and not respect it all. I also have a 2nd grade child having a difficult time with reading he is having assistance by a reading teacher at school however school doesn't stop at school at my house. If she makes a choice not to be involved with her child so much after school nor involved with a single child at the school that is her deal.
I am trying to impliment a study foundation for the future as well as now for my kids. School is first you can't even work at McDonald's or Walmart if you can't read not to say math for getting a pay check. with that said I know many mothers agree. Before this child and his mother (they aren't new here, the kids just discovered by boys and my house). I am a figure at the school therefore I try my best to be polite but I don't want an everyday relationship with my kids, nor do i want them to think if they can't follow my rules it's ok.
As of yesterday this mother again overroad my decision about my kids knowing in advance my wishes. I called her Monday and let her know I had a child with the swine flu. I let her know her child should not be over at my house. I went as far as to pick up my other two at school as car riders, so not to have to deal with her or kiddio. I had also told her my other two my get it so i am not having them at her house either. well after the swine flu kid's fever broke I let him ride his bike in front of our, with his brothers. Her son was fast down here my kids told not to go over to his houses ended up there. I called for them, the I said NOW HOME NOW, she pipped up "oh, it's ok they're palying and I'll have them put the toys away and come" I called out again NOW RIGHT NOW! It's not ok with me to all reading this I gave my children instructions they are to follow them I am their mother, she knew and should have called me and asked or should have sent my kids home. She is interfering with my family and I am unhappy.
Now that she has done this at age 35 not understanding, respecting another mother after I have told her even before I want my kids home they need to do homework. She's crossed the line and so has her child. I will remain the adult, I will let my children know the rules. I don't want my kids at their house or him at my house every night, it's plan not necessary. Friday nights and sometimes on the weekends, period. If I let my kids out to play after homework that's not a free ticket to go to there house. When my 3rd grade child doesn't get used to homework and a schedule now he's gonna have more problems in middle school, with all of it and his adhd. I don't mind during breaks, friday night but frankly she needs to go back to who every entertained her child before us.
Thank you all for your advise and helping me know I am making a good choice for my kids. We are going to get back into homework without fights, library days, etc.. I also need time after school to review their reports from their teachers and talk to them, let them rest, snack etc.. I am fine with what she does with her kid frankly I'm not judging her and I'm 45 I don't care what she does with her kids I care about mine. When her kid is at my house I treat him very well so I don't want someone to think I'm some kind of mean person, like I said I am known at the school by many parents,teachers and students.
I also wanted to add sorry this is so long she is kinda a fighting person and wants you to know it. Her child is rough with my erb's palsy child. I tell him to say off my son's arm and why but he hears nothing like his mother. I have made up my mind if her son hurts my erb's palsy child she can pay the hospital bill. My husband works 2nd shift so I have no back up at my house, plus I have to do it alone at night 3 kids 3 times as long.
I have told this mom only friday nights weekends my kids need extra help with homework, I'm the only one home to do it etc., she doesn't care or else she would honor what I've said before. She's at the bus stop and as soon as her kid says I wanna, she says did you get a good report? of course he says yes! and it's only plans have been made before the kids are off the bus and it's crazy she's saying go ahead and go play even to my kids. Sadly we have to pass her house so i have choas before I even reach my house with cry, fits you name it. If she'd one time just say your mom said we can all pakly on friday night or weekends it'd be great. I don't fell like having attitude from her or her kid.
Just tell the kid that yours can't have any company until they get their homework done. Then let him know that when they can come out to play they will meet him outside.
Talk to your children the next time you are alone so they won't be surprised when you say no to having the kid over. Every day is a bit much.
You are not her babysitter. So don't feel bad. You have a family routine that is being interrupted too much.
Stick to your rules about when play time can happen for your kids. If this little boy is wanting to come over after school, simply tell him no, your boys have homework/chores/etc to do. Or just say not today, today isn't a good day. And make sure his mom hears you too. And you'll have to explain to your boys a head of time why your reasons are that he can't come over but maybe on Saturday he can come for a few hours. I know you don't care for his behavior, but you've got to find a compromise with your children and until this boy does something really bad, then you can totally ban him from your house!
Unfortunately, not all parents have the same values and rules for their children and let them run a muck. We had a little girl that did that here and her mom didn't understand why everyone else had a problem with it. Just stick to your guns and keep a firm foot down about the situation and it will fizzle out soon enough.
Good luck!
S.
I think all kids need a little down time. I would let everyone know that they can play for 30 minutes or an hour. Whatever works for you. I would say everyday until a certain time. If they get off the bus at 3:15, I would say they could play until 4:00. If it is the same time everyday the kids would understand that this is how it is and after a week or so they would be OK with it. I think kids have a hard time when one day they get to play for hours and the next day 30 minutes. If it is the same everyday then it usually works out better. Also I would let the kids know about 15 minutes before time is up they they have 15 more minutes and every 5 minutes after that I would tell them how much time they have. With my kids I even let them know when they have 2 minutes left. That makes it easier when I have to say OK time's up. Good luck.
First of all pray about your situation. Ask God to give you a clear idea of how best to handle the situation. The computer age is great and convenient but b/c of it we have all become lacking in our face to face conversation skills.
You need to talk with the boy's mom directly about how the situation is affecting your family. No one likes confrontation but if you approach her with an attitude of love and charity before speaking she will see your sincerity and most likely be more than obliging to fulfill your need for family time.
God Bless!
Never reward bad, unacceptable behaviour. Tantrums mean going to your room until dinner and then back to your room. No friends over on school nights. YOu simply say "NO" company on school nights. My children have to earn having a friend over and then only for a couple of hours or whatever is comfortaBLE for your family. You make the rules for your house. What the child has done in the past is of no consequence to you. It's up to his mother to entertain him and provide activities. You might tell the mother you are having to "crack down" on some things for your children without telling her that her child is a brat. V.
three words, Just Say NO.
if you don't want them over there every night restrict it to 3 nights a week or 2 nights aweek.
make it a rule that they have to do their homework first, then they can play, and they have to be home by a certain time.
but kids need to play with others than their own siblings.
If your child whines about it. he will just have to get used to the rules just like any other rule. They whine, then they don't get to play at all. Don't get homework done, don't get to play. etc,
Just set up the rules that work for your family.
Such as play time when play time is over your kids come home and if he is over, he goes home. Make the rules fair and apply to all kids, that is what my mom did, we came home from school we either played at home or headed out with friends and when it was time for dinner we ate dinner with the family and occassionally had guests but when guests were over they had to follow my parents rules and if they didn't they went home. We all knew what the family rules were and had no problem correcting our friends if they were out of line. :)
I hope that helps.
H.
Oh my goodness. First off, I don't think you're mean at all. In fact, I think you've been way too nice. You remind me of my sister, who also has 3 young kids. I can empathize with you on the homework. Some parents just don't get it. They're still in selfish mode and can't grasp the idea that their way of parenting might not be everyone else's. There are 2 solutions that come to mind pretty quickly:
1) Take the "easy" route and avoid her. Pick your kids up every day and stress yourself out even more.
2) Be assertive. Invite her over for a drink and tell her that your kids need more time to study. Tell her that your family needs to finish homework and chores by a particular time every night so that you have time to be with each other. And if she doesn't seem to be understanding what you're explaining to her, be a witch for a minute and flat out let her know that her kid cannot be over at your house all the time.
If you don't do something soon though, you're going to be crazy. Life is stressful enough with 3 kids without a 4th who's not even related to you adding to it. Don't let someone else take advantage of you.
Good luck,
Jen
Tell all of the kids they can play together on the weekends and once-in-awhile (with your approval)after school. Tell the parents it's just too much during the week with you and your husband's work schedules, homework, etc. I remember being like that as a kid and kids get excited like that and want to do EVERYTHING together all the time. Just lay out some parameters and remember they have to have your permission!
Hi BF,
I first wrote that you should really establish your boundries and send him home when needed, but realized you may be struggling with how to do that.
First, realize that you hopefully will be the cool mom whose house the teens want to hang at, even if it is annoying, that is a really great thing. But that aside....
Second, I think 30 minutes after school for everyone to come home, lay things out, put things away, talk, review, etc is a good rule. Then, playtime.
So, you may want to set it up right away that you need to see all homework and reports from school and have 30 minutes of family time before the kids are ready to play. That will probably be huge so you know what is going on.
Next, keep the play outside. You have three kids, some may have work, some can play. You need inside to be functional.
Just some thoughts for you. Good luck, J
Sometimes simpler is better. Just tell her that, now that school is in full swing, you need your after school time for getting your family finished up on the day and ready for tomorrow -- during the week. On the weekends, play time is great -- you're just having to tighten the reigns a bit during the school week.
This is a tough situation, and if you are like me, you want to be diplomatic without compromising your own family in the process. What might work is to look at what the volume of homework is like overall for your kids. Are there some nights that always have more homework or require more study time than others? Once you have figured out the lighter homework/study nights, develop a schedule with the other mom for when her child can come over and when your kids can go to her house. Explain to her that because you have 3 kids and lots of chores with no help from hubby due to his work schedule you need to get a schedule for the kids to have some structured play time and some study/homework time to make it easier on everyone. If this mother has a military husband she surely understands the need for structure and schedules and will most likely respect your initiative to make things a routine rather than spontaneous chaos. If she does not understand or wish to go along with a schedule for the kids, I would be hesistant to allow the kids to play together after school and say they can only play on week-ends (if at all). It is good to have down time as well, and some kids even need a power nap when they get home from school, so advocate for your kids. You know what they need and what their little bodies can take as far as play, work and rest goes. Best wishes for your situation. I am sure the other mom will want to work something out. She is probably very appreciative of your help with her one "high-energy" child. I have 2 kids (girl 10 and boy 6) who both have ADHD, and it can be very tiring to keep up with the two of them due to their excess energy. It not only wears on your physical energy but it takes a lot of your mental energy as well. Keep this in mind when you talk with the other mom and know that she may be exhausted from her one child. I think you are on the right track and your concerns are valid. The key to it all is just getting something going that works for all involved within reason.
You have to take charge of your own home. Set your plan and then work it. When the bus comes, your kids alreadyknow that they are not goign to play and they can't have äny friends until . .. X or only on weekends. When you need a break or it's raining or whatever the reason, you can say, no, sorry not today. It's your home.
School is #1 in my house as well. No friends during the week until I KNOW the homework is done. We have Boy Scouts 2 nights, Church 1 night and if there is nothing else going on....maybe one afternoon for an hour or 2.
I will NOT allow a child to tell me what I will do on any given night. The neighbors child, included! My house, my rules. Yes, there are times my own kids don't like me but I have the rules for a reason.
You are being taken advantage of. The mom needs to understand that your schedule doesn't allow for every day playdates. When little Johnny knocks and wants to play, say no, I'm sorry, not today. Close the door.
Your own children need to be explained that this is the way it will be. Do not ask for me to bend the rules if x, y & z are not done first. Then be sure your personal schedule will allow the time for a playdate.
It's tough to be the bad guy but it's your home and your children. You have to do what is right for your family.
It sounds like your neighbor is using you as childcare. Just remember that old saying that no one can take advantage of you, unless you let them. When this kid wants to come over, just be firm and tell him/the mom that you all are busy with school work, etc.
We have a next door kid who has "discovered" our house. I do let him play, but when I need to get dinner made, baby bathed, etc. I just tell him that he needs to go home.
BF - First of all you are the parent... You set the rules for your household. Yes, you may have to intercept at the bus stop or at the door and explain the rules to someone else as well as your own children. My son cannot go outside to play nor have friends over during the school week M-F. At the beginning of each year - someone undoubtedly will forget the rules from the previous year and I'll have to give them a gentle reminder. You have to be consistent. Once your kids and the neighborhood kids realize that the rule in your household is not changing - they will back down. My kids would even tell their friends the rule - they didnt like it but they got it..Now my kids are big kids now - even though they are more independent now - the rule though I havent had to mention it this year at all - is still in place.
Good Luck!
I don't think your being mean i had a neighbor like that where she would just let her son run the street every evening and didn't care it was getting on peoples nerves your going to have to be the one to put your foot down sorry to say and your kids are going to follow your kids have to follow the rules even if you have to write it out and give it to the neighbor that your children will not be coming out at cerntain times and her kid is not allowed over at certain times even if the kid next door ring your door bell tell that kid no. don't be afraid to say no just do it or you will make your life a living hell. And if your children get angre to bad they are not the onces that run the house they have to follow the rules school first or the will be grounded, or spanking how ever you discipline your kids and don't break or they will keep running over you.
I agree with much of what the other moms are saying, I also want to encourage you not to be too harsh on the other mom. Every parent does things differently and most every parent gives it their very best. So just because you two raise children and run households differently doesnt mean one is right, wrong, better, or worse. Every mom has had some experience where they are being judged measured, or given the "judge-y eyes"
just help set your own boundaries and that will help you feel more comfortable.
I think you should tell this Mom that you feel overwhelmed due to the fact you have 3 kids, and your husband is not home in the evenings to help. I think she would understand, and could probably be a help rather than burden if she knew how you felt. :)
You need to have an honest awkward talk with the mom. Ask her over for coffee. Let her know for your own sanity you need to have a game plan that you both stick to. You take the kids monday, she takes them tuesday, wednesday is stay at your own homes day. Set specific hours. Or whatever schedule you come up with. I like to think something all moms have in common is the ability to identify when we could lose it and take steps to ward that off. If her kid is as hyperactive as you say she might have been ready to send him off for her sanity. It will be hard but if you do find a partner everything should be easier for both of you.
Where we live, my boys were the only ones in our neighborhood. We live in a very small, quiet, and safe neighborhood (Sheriff, Police, and Detectives). Anyway, at the beginning of the school year, my boys were car riders, until I started my Family Child Care Home. Now the boys have meet the total of eight kids that lives in the neighborhood. Of course the kids get excited seeing each other, and they want to play all the time. Everyday I meet my children at the bus and the other kids are talking about wanting to come over and stuff. I just told my children up front, weekdays is for homework. Friday is okay, but their is a time limit and all parties involved, Parents and Children must respect our home. When the children see that the blinds are closed, they know not to come over, when they are open they can over but they know it is at respectable time. My husband works 60 hrs in four days and have rotating days off. When he is off, no friends are allowed to come over.
Just kindly talk to the Parent and let them know what your rules are. Like it was mentioned, some people just don't know.
