Unhappily Married

First of all, fault is a 50/50 situation. It is never only one persons fault something is amiss.
You seem independent, however, why don't you pick up and leave. You asked for a separation and he refused; since when does that stop anyone.
Maybe you don't appreciate him for just who he is instead of trying to make him over into what you think you want. Believe me, dump him and there will be a dozen willing to take on having him.
I guess it is up to you, with or without but there are always consequences.
Such is life.

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First of all, fault is a 50/50 situation. It is never only one persons fault something is amiss.
You seem independent, however, why don't you pick up and leave. You asked for a separation and he refused; since when does that stop anyone.
Maybe you don't appreciate him for just who he is instead of trying to make him over into what you think you want. Believe me, dump him and there will be a dozen willing to take on having him.
I guess it is up to you, with or without but there are always consequences.
Such is life.

You need professional help either wth him or without you cant keep on living so unhappy and exhausted from everyone. I think his lack of help in house and built a imaginary wall therefore lack of interst in himn i get it. Go do something aboiut it if you seperate you loss nothing but another child to clean up after. good luck

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You do not need his permission for a separation, or a divorce. His refusal simply means that you may be the one who has to move out. Hopefully for the kids sake you can come to terms agreeably, but just in case I would contact a lawyer to help protect you if he contests the divorce.

I am not going to tell you that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, you have a right to your feelings. What you have stated is how you feel. I think that you should see a therapist, someone to talk to who can help you work out your feelings. Your husband may disqust you and you may want him to be different but he will not change and you cannot find happiness hoping that he will. But you can find that happiness by talking with someone. A therapist will help you make changes within yourself that will help you become more happy and then you can decide what you want to do about your marriage. Work on it, or leave.

Why did you marry him? Seriously, I'm not just saying that to be contentious, but sometimes it helps to get back to what "got" us in the first place. I'm not sure why you married this guy, but it sounds like if either of you desire to stay married, then you need to see a marriage therapist. He needs to step up! If he's not willing -get a divorce. It doesn't sound like he's contributing much, and if you don't love him anymore, it's going to be a hard sell, but you can try and perhaps rediscover the love you once had for him. If not, you're not bad for divorcing him. There's no reason for you to be miserable and unhappy for years!

One word since you have two kids from a former marriage and two kids with him -if you do divorce -cool it on the marriage or living with a man business until the kids are older teenagers or out of the house. I'm not saying you can't date someone casually or something, but the kids don't need to go through any more relationship issues.

You've only been married 3 years and you already have 2 children. Did you really know this man before you decided to have children together. Is it possible that he to is overwhelmed by the situation? Having 4 children is very difficult even under the best of circumstances.

Is it possible that he's suffering some form of depression (not taking care of personal hygeine and not wanting a better job, etc)? Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about how you feel?

You made the decision to bring 2 children into the world with this man. You owe it to your children to try to make this marraige work, not to mention your other 2. Have you considered marraige counceling or possibly going by yourself? There's nothing in your marraige that can't be fixed, you just need to figure out how to fix it.

I don't believe that all relationships are meant to be forever but, since the two of you have children, the two of you owe it to them to really, honestly work things out: Going to counseling; Talking honestly with each other and trying to find a middle ground; Learning (each of you) to put the other partner first and seeing things from his/her perspective.

From what you have described, you are definitely carrying a heavy load on your shoulders with regard to the division of the housework and being out in the work force. Your decision to work two jobs so that you could be able to afford braces for your two oldest kids, as I see it, has nothing to do with him. They are your children from a previous relationship and the burden of this should be shared equally by you and their other parent. I don't think it's fair for your current husband to be held accountable for this situation.

As for the other issues that you have with your husband, sometimes the things that attract us to someone end up repelling us as well. For example, the guy that is so fun loving and happy-go-lucky ends up being the guy who doesn't handle responsibility well or is a procrastinator. The thing is that, he's still the same guy that you were attracted to but your expectations of him and perception has changed. I'm on the fence with whether or not you have a right to end a relationship, when there are children involved, when you are the one that has had a change of heart. I think you have to do what you can to really work it out. For you, it may mean -- if this is actually your problem -- being more assertive with your husband about the division of labor in your household and not holding hurt feelings and emotional frustration inside until the point that you are about ready to boil over or just abandon the relationship.

If, after you have tried everything you honestly can to work things out with your husband and he's unreceptive or there's no compromising to be had, then I do think you should be able to part ways as amicably as possible for your mental and emotional health and for that of your children.

However this ends up working out, I wish you and your children well.

Well... here's my 2 cents... (plus an apology for people, being, ahhh... a wee bit vitriolic).

Mu .02 = Since you can always get a divorce... why not try your other options out first?

Reading through your post, 3 things struck me:

1) The vast majority of what your upset about is easily fixable (since they're not personality traits).

Seriously.. HYGEINE??? Yes, major problem. 'Yuge problem. But why isn't this an easy discussion to have? It's not like you're talking about looking GQ (and the amount of money & time it takes to look sexy after an umpteen hour day), you're talking about BATHING. Brushing teeth. A shave. Things that take a grand total of 5 minutes, and are essentially free. It's a sit down.... "Hey hon, I'm getting really worried. You're not showering, shaving, even brushing your teeth. Is there something going on? Are you trying to push people away from you? It's been months of every weekend you fall to pieces. Then you work out in the yard all day, get filthy .... which is great... but then you collapse on the couch. We have more yard on the couch than outside, and it smells like sweaty gymsocks. Maybe we can spend the couple hundred to get the couch cleaned and then leave the yard in the shower drain instead, baby?"

2) That you still seem to be living like a single mom.

You said you work 2 jobs, take care of the kids, maintain the house, cook, clean, and do all the finances. Ummm... Why? It just seems like you never transitioned between being a single mum and being married. What had changed, exactly, in the past 4 years from when you were single, aside from having 3 more people in the house? I know that I have most of the drawbacks of being a single mom and none of the benefits (my H is making a great deal of effort to be around and do more... he is now here on average 5-10 hours a week and he washes dishes at least once a week... that is him making a h.u.g.e. effort. He used to only sleep here. Point being... I actually have difficulty allowing him his 1 or 2 dish washing sessions ... in large part because I'm washing dishes 4 times a day minimum. Last year he actually went 3 days without eating because I didn't cook for him. <rolls eyes> He's a grown man. If I got hit by a bus he'd have to go back to cooking for himself (and buying groceries, doing laundry, ALL the stuff that I do). He's capable. But he's gotten entitled. He gets that entitlement swept out from underneath him on a regular basis now. But my point is: You're choosing to do these things. Why? I know my reasons. Do you know yours?

3) Something deeper (aka, is your DH depressed, &/or that you might be right about it not being him, but living with another adult that is making your teeth itch)

Either of these are major issues... and both really require counseling.

* * *

As usual, there are people here who are happy to tear you down and make you feel like you're the one to blame. You may have your own faults, but you're just being honest and you should be commended for your honesty, not insulted for it. People, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism will help and work wonders....mean put-downs WILL NOT!

OK, now that I've gotten THAT off my chest! I know a lot of people will tell you that you need to think of how this will effect your children....I seem to think you HAVE thought of them (in fact, you most likely can think of nothing else BUT THAT). However, when children live in a home where one or both parents are absolutely miserable, that won't benefit them either. I do agree that you may want to seek a qualified therapist for yourself. It may not help save your marriage, but you may learn what you need to do to repair your own feeling of being hurt and angry. From the sounds of it, I don't see your husband attending any type of marital counseling, but you can give it a shot to see.

I can understand your feelings in this....if he doesn't care enough to help out or even just take care of his own health and well being, it does start to feel like he doesn't care about YOU either. And that alone is enough to turn anyone away from someone that they once loved.

I wish I could offer you better advice...but I think in the end, I really just wanted to offer you some support in this little sea of angry responses.

Hi S.-

I would like to start by saying I can only make an opinion based on your post.

WIth that said, you sound very unhappy in a lot of areas of your life. Before you seperate, I'd strongly suggest you talk to a counslor. I was having a lot of stress a few years back and feeling overwhelmed (and grumpy), so I went to talk to a counslor and it helped a lot.

I'm not saying that you're issues are you're fault, but though the counseling you may find ways to get your husband to do what you want.

Just an idea.

R. Magby

You sound like it's an open and shut case of being your being disgusted by him and wanting out, but then you say he refuses a separation, like your fate is sealed. No one is trapped in a marriage.

Right now you are making it sound like you do nothing wrong, and maybe that's the case. However. He is saying he loves you. So. You need to decide if there is any possibility you would ever be able to rekindle things. That's right YOU, because he's not going to magically change and sweep you off of your feet while you're shooting hate beams at him. If there is any chance you want to salvage this for the kids or yourself, do this for a set time frame, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, you decide:

1)Surprise him one day while he's gone and clean up the atrocious mess he made with his plants in your laundry room and any other messes he made. Put some fresh sheets on the couch for him.

2) Be CHEERFUL and sincerely kind that you cleaned up those things as a gift to him and yourself and you're not mad about them. When he sees you cleaned up the laundry room, he'll probably apologize-just brush it off and say, "It's OK, it felt good to get it done." Mean it. With a smile.

3) Make him a nice meal, find some sincere things to compliment him on (come on, find your kind grinch heart in there somewhere), ask him to shower up and visit you in bed for a little while before he hits the couch. If you are way too disgusted to have him in bed, you should be skipping all this and filing for divorce.

You don't have to do it all in one day, you can spread these things out, but take the STING out of YOUR attitude temporarily for this trial. Take the HIGH road.

4) Over the course of your set time frame if you have done these generous things and changed your sour tone, guaranteed, he'll improve. I know you think he doesn't deserve it, and maybe you're right, but you can only benefit as a person by trying your hardest.

If at the end of the trial you have treated him like the king of the castle, had some open talks about how you want to make things better between you (without accusing him of everything under the sun, but saying "we" a lot) you've been a good friend to him and tried to rekindle the sex life and at the end of the 3 months he is still the complete lost cause you just described and he has re-destroyed all your spaces with mud and plants, gone back to not bathing etc, then walk away with your head held high that you did your best and it was all his fault. Right now it is not a fair playing field. He can't win.

It's not easy, but instead of feeling mad you're cleaning up after him and giving him things he doesn't deserve, feel good about doing the work and setting the positive example to your kids on how to go above and beyond and not be selfish sometimes even if he is. They could use a little "mom being nice to dad" in their lives. Everyone will feel better. Good luck. Be strong, it doesn't have to be forever.

I wish my hubby would only tend the garden and mow the lawn, but he does the laundry too. I actually enjoy doing the laundry and hanging it out to dry with the dog by my side. When hubby does the laundry, he doesn't put the fabric softener in correctly so the clothes have an oder and he doesn't use any stain removers. I do the wash better, but guess what? I'm happy he's mine. My hubby crashes on the couch too and even asks for a drink of water! He drops his socks all over the house and uses our son's bath water to bathe in when our son's done! We argue a lot about how much pressure of afterschooling should we put on our son, about should we encourage our son to persue other hobbies or music or sports, we argue about the cost of a toy that was only $1, we argue about the over aboundance of tomato plants, about me not being stong enough to help hold up a 2 X 4 so he can nail it to the wall, about me not continuing my education...We argue about a lot of things, but guess what? I'm glad he's mine. He tracks dirt through the kitchen. He waters the hanging baskets in the tub, and I have to clean it up! We both work full-time, so we are both tired; but I have to keep going while he relaxes. Guess what? I'm glad he's my husband. There are days when I feel "the other woman" is really my mother in law and I'd wish he'd talk to me instead, but there are days he thinks I spend more time with the dog and spoil the kid too much and don't have time to listen to him. Guess what? Both of us feel the strain of everyday stress, but we're glad to be married to each other.

Why are we glad we have each other? We don't cheat and are faithful in our commitment. We don't smoke or do drugs. Most of all, we really do care and love each other. We are there for each other when times get hard. My hubby may not be perfect, but neither am I.

sounds like you have 'the four year" itch, not the '7'. Everything you are saying sounds not really like its a big deal. Sometimes i think its easier to raise children than to have a husband. men arent in reality like they are in movies. if they are providers who are perfect at home and in bed, and stay sexy, then they cheat, 80% of the time. If they are faithful, they are usually lazy and throw tantrums like babies. I know this sounds sexist, and i may be guilty of this prejudice, but i see nothing but validation of it within my marriage (to the most messy, tantrum throwing man, although hes a great provider and great other ways too) and with the other married men i see.

sorry, mudding up the laundry room, the bad hygeine, the snoring.....its all pretty trivial in my opinion and some of the losing interest in taking care of himself may be because of the fact that he can sense you find him repulsive sexually.

treat him as you would a toddler, positive reinforcment and rewarding good behavior......marriage is work, and im sorry to say, is more work for us. You have two kids with the guy, keeping him around is not negotiable due to lack of sexual attraction and plaque on his teeth, it just isnt.

whoa..there is such dislike seeping from your words. Yeah..sometimes I look at my snoring husband drooling on the pillow and thing bleeech. But I don't feel freer when he's not around.

Is this a pattern? Did your last souse eventually disgust you? Four years is not that long considering you already have 2 kids.

I suggest marriage counseling.

Miss,

The way men's brains work are soooo different from women. I understand why you are going crazy. I would be so exhausted if I were you. Honestly, I think you are doing too much and working too hard, so you resent your husband. Lots of men are stinky and clueless.

I think a separation is a bad idea. I heavily, with a sincere heart, recommend you read a book called Fascinating Womanhood. It explains how men think and how to have a happy marriage. It has completely foreign ideas to us women, but it turned around me and my marriage, FAST! Please be very careful who you pick for a therapist. I have been to counseling with different therapists and they were terrible!!!! They allowed me to blame everything on my husband and assumed that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Most therapists are no good. I have seen families and lives destroyed by therapists, seriously, destroyed.

Sometimes women seem rude on here when they are not. Agreeing with you and sympathizing with you are not always helpful. Sometimes a true friend will tell you that you are being stupid and you are going to ruin your life. And even if you dump her and hate her afterwards, she is still a good friend, so think about what people say when they criticize you. I have a hard time being criticized too, but my brain finally woke up when someone pointed out the ways I was thinking wrong and how I was hurting my own marriage.

When my husband tries to kiss me with a NASTY mouth, I say "You know, I really LIKE it when you brush your teeth before you kiss me." Asking him to brush his teeth just ticked him off. Which I think is ridiculous, but when I was doing that - he still wasn't brushing his teeth AND we were fighting about it!

I don't want to ramble on, but we have had some problems similar to those you mentioned. The main thing I have found works with my guy is praising him like all get out when he does something I like. AND couching my requests as "When you do X (which he has NOT done), I really like it"

Good luck!

Oh my. As someone that has been on the receiving end of this kind of bitter judgments and non-loving attitude, I can only relate to your husband. I spent years hearing my husband tear me down the way you just tore your husband down. We finally settled into a partnership that works very surfacely. But we never did find a loving marriage and I don't think we ever could. Instead, we have a family and a partnership without sex and with a great deal of personal loneliness. But we love our family, our home, and we have learned to want many of the same things.

I don't know what I would change if we could do it over. But I can tell you that you sound bitter, mean, selfish, and overwhelmed. If you can't do all that you are doing, cut back somehow. Stop playing the martyr. You are convincing yourself that you are doing everything and he's doing nothing.

There is a book by Andy Andrews that is called "The Noticer". You need to get it. I promise that it will open your eyes to the way relationships work and the way they don't.

you have a right to be unhappy. have you sat down with him and had a heart to heart talk to let him know how you feel? my heart goes out to you!! good luck on this!!

Sounds to me like your husband is more like an annoying roommate than a true husband and yes you can do bad all by yourself but you admitted this situation is making you sad. You have to figure out a way to communicate to him in his own language what would make you desire him again and you need to do that sooner than later.

Axe body washes are in our bathroom. My husband knows I prefer him smelling clean than that sweaty funky mess. As for the sleeping on the sofa and not in the bedroom that is where the problems begin. Where is the intimacy (not sex) but intimacy? Was this man your best friend before you married? Is there some memory from your past together of happier times that you can recall to him and then try to reinact. Perhaps the components of those memories are things that you like and loved about him and how he took care of you.

He may be suffering from depression and a feeling of failure because you are handling everything and he seemingly has no purpose in your relationship. What is the purpose of your marriage and married life and how do you get back to that purpose if you are off track.

I think your marriage is worth fighting for and saving even if he is now only and annoying roommate. What are things you can do to have a positive impact on him. People respond better to positive reinforcement than to nagging but some tough love may also need to come into play.

You sound tired. Exhausted. Over whelmed. I'm sorry that people on here are telling you to grow up, when you're only looking for support. I don't have an answer for you. I don't know how to get back the feelings that you once had, or even if it's possible. I don't think the burden is all on you, as others have suggested. Marriage is a two way street. It's a partnership and he needs to pull his weight too. It really sounds like you might need some marriage counseling if you want to stay together. If you don't and he won't leave, then you would have to be the one to leave. It wouldn't be easy with 4 kids. I wish I had an answer for you :(

Sounds like you have decided to dislike your husband. Sad. You can choose to love him. It is a choice and not a feeling. You seem to outwardly disrespect him here and most likely to his face. No wonder he doesn't want to do any thing you harp on him about. You can change this by changing you. Changing expectations and choosing to love. Saved my marriage so I know what I am talking about. Best wishes.

OK, most of what you have listed here is "fixable", assuming that both of you are willing to participate and do the work. Both of you need to look deep inside and decide if you want to do that. Since your husband says he still loves you, that is a good sign on his end, and since you are saddened at admitting that you feel better w/o him, that is also a good sign, IMHO. I agree with some of the others in that both of you need counseling-both separately and together-and he needs to be screened for depression just in case. Bring up the lack of hygiene with your family doctor-he'll get the ball rolling.

I also firmly believe that you need some time for yourself. I know, I hear you: "With two jobs and 4 kids, WHEN??!!" I do believe that it is possible to carve out some time for yourself. How about shifting some of the smaller chores onto your husband and older kids? The older kids should be taught to do laundry, dishes (by hand or dishwasher, whatever is appropriate), clean the kitchen, pick up stuff off the floor and put it away before they go to bed, dusting the house with those Swiffer dusters (even your little one, assuming he/she is mobile, can "help" with that one-no cleaning chemicals required!), each older child can clean a bathroom once a week, etc., maybe even learn to cook! (I'm not sure how old your kids are, so I'm just tossing out ideas-go with what's appropriate!) The bill payments can be automated with online bill pay through your bank, food shopping can be done online-look for a supermarket that offers "Shop at Home" services-you put in an order online on their website, then either they deliver it for a small fee, or you (or hubby) can pick it up on the way home from work. I know some ShopRites and Stop n Shops offer this. Diapers.com will deliver diapers and other baby stuff to the house as well. Also, check out Alice.com and Amazon.com-both offer nonperishables that can be delivered on a regular basis if you want. Do you have a crockpot? That can help, too-load it up the night before, keep it in the fridge o/n, then set it up and turn it on before you leave for work in the morning-dinner will be ready when you get home! Once you get the kids & hubby going on even some of what I've suggested, that will give you time for yourself. Find something that you like to do, even if it's just reading a novel or something-your hubby has already found his hobby: gardening. Get your nails done, or a massage. Go for a walk, whatever. Just do something that is totally for you, and DO NOT feel guilty about it. This will at least begin to ease the resentment you feel towards your hubby for his doing what he wants to do.

And here is a possibility for the hygiene problem, in addition to the medical/psych screening: get the car(s) in the back yard and make washing them a family project...then everybody attack him with the water and soap (make it fun!). He'll be clean(er), then you can get the message across to him in private (I did that because you clearly aren't doing it for yourself anymore-now I must say that you are much better. Now, what can we do about your teeth-you have some spectacular bad breath!). Send him to the dentist? Temporary, but it might help.

And, while you are obviously venting here, check out manicmommies.com. This site-and they also have a board under the Big Tent, look on manicmommies.com for sign up details-is an international group and podcast (search manic mommies on iTunes, also available from their web site) of "moms trying to do it all-and then some!" We vent, provide advice, laugh, cry, and most of all learn that we are not alone in our problems. Once a year, the moms who started it all organize a trip called "The Escape", on the first weekend of November. Moms only, no husbands or kids. Last year it was in Napa Valley, CA, this year it's in San Antonio, TX. We get together, go on excursions, take "classes" on parenting,etc. make new friends and get a break! Check it out!

Good luck and hang in there!

I haven't read a single other response. I read your post and the beginning sounded exactly like my first husband - even the snoring, the lack of motivation, me taking care of EVERYTHING, etc. Everyday, as I drove home from work, I felt myself cringe and every morning I woke up, I thought, "another day wasted".

Then, one day while driving home, it hit me - Another Day Wasted. Life is short - too short to be unhappy. If you have tried, to no avail, to fix this marriage and your husband is not participating in the fixing, do not feel guilty about leaving in order to make yourself happy and provide a better role model for your children.

I know it's 'for better or worse', but that doesn't mean you have to suffer. The worse should mean, going through tough times, but you're both putting in the effort to make it better. If it's a one-sided relationship, it's not a relationship at all.

I wish you all the best the world has to offer you,
S.

I know you have a lot of responses already, maybe he is depressed? It sounds like maybe he could be, I have never understood neglecting personal hygiene. Sometimes when we get wrapped up in all that is our daily lives it can seem like nothing makes us happy and looking around when it feels like the weight of everything is on our shoulders, its quite normal ( for me anyway) to start feeling pretty resentful towards my spouse, ( Why is it that as women we always seem to be the its got to be done so we do it, when the guys in our lives are so quick to procrastinate???) I have found rather than trying to "talk it out, I uh have a tendancy to get emotional and yell ( not productive) so instead I try and write out how I am feeling and then try to set up a date night to reconnect. I just felt I had to respond because I feel the same way you do SO so so often...Not all marriages work, but ALL marriages Require work...I am not saying yours is done for, but it may be time to sit down and have a heart to heart ( my guy is a geek ( I say that with Love!) when I want his Full attention I email him! ) Take care...((hugs))

i am so sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage. maybe ask him to try and change some things that he is doing to try and make you enjoy his company again. there is counceling or maybe you just need a date night once a week. divorce is to easy so i personally would try to make it work before calling it quits. good luck. and just remember at one point you were in love with this man, try to get it back.

Men can be stubborn can't they? Men like to do the BIG things and women are more concerned about the details. It's funny how we marry sometimes. We marry people that are opposites to us, and when the reality hits and we have to live with them, we refuse to accept the difference. I am sure there was something when you got married that your husband had that you did not. He seems to be passive. You're disgusted having sex with him and it's a chore, because he doesn't do what you say to make your life and world a happy place to be. He lazily does things and seem like he could care less, when in fact he is probably waiting for it to mean something to him before it gets done, otherwise it's not a rush. Try to find the good things he does possess and focus on those. Negotiate with him what works for you..If you get the plumbing done and clean up yourself a little bit, maybe I will reward you. I know many people who don't sleep in the same room because of snoring issues. That you cannot help, just a way of life for some. Accept that. Separation honestly isn't going to do anything other than create more chaos in your life. You can compromise. Continue working on it. Emphasize the importance of you wanting to have a clean place to feel at home. Designate one area for him to store all his junk and keep him off your coach. He can be trained, give it some time and have patience. Some do turn around.

i kind of understand how you feel and i don't think you are mean, selfish or any of that other nonsense. ppl's feelings change sometimes! that's life. this may be a faze that you are going through or it may be the end. but only you know. maybe you should try counseling first. because there are children involved( don't recall you saying anything about you feeling free without your children, don't know where that came from). but if it;s not working for you then it;s not working for oyu. i do think you should try first befire you just leave him. i believe in trying to make marriage work but i also believe in divorce because of you are not happy how can you have inner peace and truly be happy for children. take your time whatever you chose to do. good luck

ok I have only read a couple of the other responses since there are so many....I did read the one that commented on how most therapist are no good, speaking as someone who has been in and out of therapy since I was therapy since I was 17 I think speaking to a therapist is a good idea. sometimes as well meaning as you are you can't say things to friends or family without them taking offense, but you can say anything to your therapist. Most people who think badly of therapist just haven't found the right one, not every therapist is good at solving every problem. That being said. I think a seperation is a good idea, it can give you time to straighten things out, if you need that and he is saying no obviously he not very respectful of your feelings. If he loves you then he should want to put time and effort into your marrige. Like sleeping together, a couple sleeping in seperate rooms every night will definatly stress a relationship, and if he is not will to sleep with a machine to help with his snoring so you guys can share a bed then he is not putting in any effort on that front (my dad has slept with a breathing machine almost my parents entire marrige because of his sleep apenea and it has never bothered him) some guys are not just marrige material unfortunatly sometimes you find that out to late. He may love you, and he may not want a seperation, but he needs to understand that there is a difference between being a family and playing house. Good luck

Wow! Thanks for your honesty! I totally understand... you are not alone. I have a similar situation. We only have one child and have been together for 17 years but only married for 7 of them and it can feel totally overwhelming. My husband is similar to yours with the "snoring", not participating in house "chores" - I get upset just saying the words "helping out" because I feel strongly that it is a responsibility of everyone to do house chores! He also has hygiene habits that disgust me... to no ends. It makes sex a chore... hard to feel sexy when you are mostly frustrated with inconsiderate/disrespectful behavior...
Don't want to add fuel to your fire but I will say this, take a break - take a mini vacation, a weekend away - alone - etc and do something good just for you. I found marriage to really be about the "concept of commitment". It takes two, even for hard stuff. Think about what changes YOU can make because we can "never" change them. We can teach someone how to treat you and respect your needs. It helps to start by understanding what they need. Make sure you are advocating for what you really need in terms of "support" and partnership. Focus on actions - not just feelings, but behaviors that need to change both in you and him. Then decide if you want to "fight for this to work". It is a struggle but you have to decide if you are willing to do everything to work through this time. I've found their are cycles and if you get through the really tough ones you start to remember why you feel in love in the first place. It is not easy but, especially for your kids, it can be worth it. Keeping you in prayer.

Get into therapy. It doesn't sound like there's any real communication going on and with all the anger your harboring you need someone to mediate.

I would give him 2 choices. Marriage counseling or get a divorce attorney. Personally I would try marriage counseling first. He may have no idea how you're feeling and how disgusted you are with him and his being dirty and lazy. I'm sure the children feel the tension, so it's time to do something. Good luck to all of you.

I don't know, this all seems very clear to me. Men want to be men. Strong. Protective. Providers. Important to their mates. Heroes!

Women want to be women. Productive, intelligent, strong, but cared for and protected by their mates.

If we do everything...not just the home-care, and the child-care, but ALL the finances, and ALL the cleaning, and never let anything go to let the men take care of business, it will fail.

There are things I just let go, in my marriage. I have a career and bring in a part-time income. I tend my kids, my garden, our home. But I let him be...a man. Bring home big checks. Provide a stern voice for the kids. Go play poker with his friends. Oversee the finances. Behind the scenes, I do all these as well. :) I know exactly what's going on with our money, his friends, our discipline of the kids....but he's given at least the outward nod to power and masculinity and control that men need.

Too many women emasculate their partners, wanting control of everything. But once you emasculate your man, suddenly....he just doesn't seem so masculine anymore....

something to think about.

www.understandmen.com

Rachel C. has the right idea. Check this web-site out. Tons of freebie info. After years of therapy,couples counseling, workshops, etc. I was done.
This saved my marriage and my family and was immediate. The only hard part was it started with me....wasn't expecting that.....but it worked.

Good luck!

Hi S.. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how you feel. It seems you are doing all the work and all he is doing is planting flowers. Is there any way you can sit down and talk with him without the kids around? Come clean and give him some ultimatums. Hate to say it but only way he may change is if he thinks that you will leave him if he doesn't make an effort and change his behavior/habits. You would have to be totally honest which I'm sure is hard to do at this point because you probably want to scream at him. Would he be receptive to counseling? I know its hard to go this route because you have to get "out there" with your emotions but it may be the only thing that works. Good luck!

Updated

Hi S.. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how you feel. It seems you are doing all the work and all he is doing is planting flowers. Is there any way you can sit down and talk with him without the kids around? Come clean and give him some ultimatums. Hate to say it but only way he may change is if he thinks that you will leave him if he doesn't make an effort and change his behavior/habits. You would have to be totally honest which I'm sure is hard to do at this point because you probably want to scream at him. Would he be receptive to counseling? I know its hard to go this route because you have to get "out there" with your emotions but it may be the only thing that works. Good luck!

This is a very personal decision that only you can make, and maybe talking to a therapist or a neutral party can help you sort things out. In the meantime you have to be sure that you are ready to end your marriage.

Where kids are concerned, this may be really tough on them since this is the second time they may be uprooted from their home. So you have to be extra sensitive to them.

I have a son from my previous marriage and my husband has 3 kids from his first marriage. My son lives with us full time and although my husband treats him as his own he doesn't contribute to his finances in terms of school, camp or anything else, that's what the actual father pays for and that's why you should be collecting child support from the father of your first two kids. Your husband, however, does have an obligation to be a provider to his 2 kids. That's something you need to figure out and talk about together.

Didn't he snore before you got married? There are definite solutions for that, but it seems that you don't sleep in the same bed for other reasons.

From personal experience I can say that most men are dirty. It's their genetical structure that makes them filthy and unorganized, although there are some exceptions to the rule, the majority of men tend to get just as dirty as kids do and then drag it in the house for us to clean. In some instances, they'll realize it and clean it up themselves (a rarity, but it happens).

All this to say, the above can all be fixed and spending some time alone on a vacation or a weekend getaway without kids and household chores can help you figure out if you want to fix your marriage or walk away from it.

At the end of my first marriage I couldn't stand the sound of my ex's breathing, I hated him so much, and I knew it was over. But this man, although dirty and maybe a little insensitive and thoughtless, sounds as if he really loves you. He just needs some guidance and may all you need to do is voice your grievances if you haven't done so already.

The bottom line is this, if you feel disgusted by him and are truly happy to be without him, and if the thought of having sex with this man is appalling then you're done. But if you can get a two-way means of communication going and tell him how you feel he may be willing to change and you can both love each other again. Kids and work and household duties can be overwhelming and leave women pissed and angry, but sometimes we just have to step back and enjoy life the way we want to. If sounds as if you're overwhelmed and require some major "me time" vacation. My suggestion is that prior to taking any major steps get away for a few days without kids either by yourself, with your girlfriends or even with your husband and then decide.

It sounds like you are miserable. I went through something like this minus a few kids. My advice is to be sure all the loathing and dread is directed in the right place. I'm sure he desires a lot of it, but everything cant be his fault. Try to place blame where it lies.... it could be you are unhappy about other aspects of your life. This is about you. (Just for a month)Try treating him with the courtesy you would a friend, take note of the difference in your own actions. .. if it makes things better for you not being negative with him all the time. they're may be hope. If you find you cant even give him the same respect and courtesy you would a stranger then it's over.. get out... your kids see it and you desire to be happy. well, happpy maybe be a bit strong but you desire not to be so miserable all the time.

You definitely need to address your marriage before it gets too bad to salvage. There are world wide marriage encounters and you can check them out at 800 795-5683 or W/S: www.wwme.org
and also
The Retrouaille program for couples with real serious problems; don't know if that is you or not:
800 470-2230 or website: www.retrouvaille.org

Communication is the issue when there are troubles. May you be able to communicate thru any help that can help you and may your marriage be well from it. God be with you both.

Hi,im so sorry that at this time you are unhappily married.Your husband could be going through some sort of depression.I would suggest you choose a date night in the near future.Get a friend to baby sit the kids.Tell him to get dressed,washed,and ready for a night on the town.
During the evening tell him in a nice way about your concerns.You will need to plan dates weekly.Be it for a lunch date,a picnic,just get romantic again.These simple acts alone could uplift him and spark him back to life and responsibilty.If all else fails seek marriage counseling.But most of all....have fun...and be happy for you....it will rub off on him too!
Good Luck!

Marriage is hard work- sounds like you're doing way more of your share, but for your kids' sake, maybe you 2 can try therapy. At least you can air your resentments. Does he know how unhappy you are?

OK here's my question, and then my response would depend on yours. So really, just a question to ask yourself.

Did he behave like this/have these traits before you married him?

If he did, and you were aware of them, then it's on YOU to figure out what about YOU has changed (since you couldn't live without him a few years ago). Maybe you really don't like adapting to someone else, which I think sets a precedent for any furture relationships you try to have.

If he didn't, and he developed these traits AFTER you got married, then I think it's time to be perfectly blunt with him. Maybe even share this post. Either way, something has to give, and it sounds like you're at your breaking point. I would tell him that you're considering leaving - maybe leave out the part where he makes you sick to your stomach. Have a calm and serious conversation about your feelings. His response should tell you what your next step needs to be.

S., I don't know if you are a religious person but if you are I would strongly recommend talking to your pastor. Alone at first and then maybe together. I was a cross roads with my husband when I was three months pregnant with our second child. We were both to the point where we were roommates, not lovers. We fought constantly and wanted to be as far away from each other as possible. We hit rock bottom. We both decided that we needed to address the issues between us. Mainly Sex and how we treated each other. Two books I would highly recommend are Love & Respect and Sheet Music. They are both Christian based but don't hold that against them *wink* they are good advise and their application is what helped put my marriage back together.

Today my husband and I have the best relationship we have EVER had. We are open and honest with eachother, more respectful toward each others needs and more forgiving of each others short comings.

I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you both.

Then you already have your answer. Your happiness is the most important, so do what you have to do.

I spotted this post late but wanted to comment anyway! I am in a similar situation. When my husband does start things that need to be done thats all it is "STARTING" he never finishes !!!!! Then the mess and where do you have time to balance kids and the mess your husband leaves behind I will say I also have other problems with my husband as far as drinking and possible cheating. But a big problem is also what you have mentioned. Men are the only ones who seem to be able to come home from work and sit on the couch , kick there feet up nap if they want watch TV for hours and not worry about a damm thing......all I can say is I feel your pain!!!!!

Would you be interested in him if he changed all these habits? Or is it more than that?

Good luck, I hope things turn out well for you, I have been in a simmilar marriage before, just no kids. We didn't make it but I was young and didn't know much then. Turns out my husband was suffering from depression we just didn't know it. My father had me read a book, two actually, that I still find helpful today on talking with my husband (or anyone) from the heart. They teach how to use emotional word pictures so the other person can relate and feel what you are talking about. It was very helpful, they are Love Is A Decision and The Language of Love: How to be Instantly Understood by Those You Love by Gary Smalley and John Trent. Hope for the best for you, don't give up yet.

Don't worry about the haters. I hate it when people are rude on this site. This should be a safe site where we can express ourselves and get encouragement and help. I think that if you will fall head over hills in love with your husband and treat him like a king (it can be hard at first) then he will change. He will want to please you. You can try that now or even separate for a bit, catch your breath, then go for it. You can change your relationship by changing you. I've read a lot about it and did it myself in my own marriage. Good luck to you!

sounds like you are single anyway, You will get what you expect, I would fill out a separation agreement where you can co-live under the same roof but separate, make a like of what you EXPECT from him, men are not mind readers, and put a deadline on the task, He must be clean, wash and not be on the couch, if he is tired find a spare room, who wants to see that in your livingroom, Life is way too short, he needs to get with the program or get out, you are going to burn out too fast if you keep up at the pace, best to you and your family.

OMG! Are we married to the same guy?? This sounds like mine exactly! Except that he's addicted to short selling stocks online instead of gardening. He won't help with anything. He's cheap and frugal. I pay for everything. He doesn't bathe regularly. He does insignificant sporadic things like cut the grass occasionally and get sweaty and then not bathe. I want a divorce. He says no. I am so much happier when he's not around. But he's always around. I think a divorce is the way to go. I need to get a divorce, too. Maybe once he sees the divorce proceedings he'll start bathing more often and being nicer - I doubt it but, well, I don't know the details of your relationship. I don't think my marriage can be saved. We actually went to a therapist. It was just a waste of time. He acted all sweet and nice in front of her and then turned back to himself as soon as we'd leave. Anyway, just know that you are NOT alone. I am in a very similar situation and have been putting off the divorce simply because it is a big struggle and it won't be easy and I get caught up in my everyday life but I know it needs to be done.

You don't need his permission to divorce him.
Sounds like it's time for you to be assertive about YOUR life.
And time for him to move out!

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA