"Undecided Battle"

Straight out ask him about it. Since he's never had a problem with you looking at his phone, then, why not ask. That's my advice. And, he better have a good answer.

Ask him about it. You should be concerned. Even if it is fairly innocent, he is walking in a danger zone keeping secrets from you with another woman.

Claudia,

I had a similar situation come up in years past and I never said anything as I didn't want my husband to think I was snooping or didn't trust him. It bothered me for my some time and I finally brought it to him. I let my imagination get the best of me and all along it was nothing. So, better to settle those uncomfortable thoughts then to allow them to get the best of you. Again, do it in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. It will only make him feel like he cannot communicate with you. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Good Luck.

T.

I understand wanting to trust him, but that wasn't a very trust worthy thing to have read. I personally think you should ask him about it. You don't need to be confrontational. Text messaging hasn't gotten more of friends in trouble. Be honest on what you saw and be willing to discuss. Your feelings are very important. Also trust is earned and your spouse has to work to keep it.

A Little Bit About Me: Married 11 years. Stay at home mom with a 9 year old boy. I also am a step mom to 3 wonderful college kids.

Hi Claudia, I hate to say it but I have a lot of experience in this area. My husband (prior to us getting married)had a terrible problem with other women. It was so bad that he would go to the bathroom and take his phone with him so that I would not know who he had talked to. For a whole year I would hold everything in and not say a word and it killed me to see things happening and not being able to say anything. It's a very hard position to be in but since you said you guys have had a good marriage until now then I think the least that he can do is explain to you what's going on.

Ask him is he happy in you guys marriage and are there things that are bothering him that he hasn't shared with you. Ask him to be completely honest because that text was very alarming and it's inappropriate. If that woman is a friend or if she's aware of you then there should be no reason she's sending him pics that are questionable and he should be able to show you if it's not something that she should not be sending.

So ask him, you have a right to ask and know what the deal is. If you are satisfied with his answer then leave it alone because from my experience further probing will only lead to more problems because more than likely, once you go looking for things you will find them. If you aren't satisfied with his answer then you need to sit back and watch and see what happens, watch and see if his behavior changes, if this woman calls often, if she comes over to your house, just take note or pay more attention and then address the situation at that time.

I don't want to sound negative or tell you to start acting suspicious but I've gone through it and spent years dealing with it and if it looks bad then it's because it is bad and that's just how it is. Good luck and i do hope things work out for you. If you want to chat more, send me a personal note and i'll give you my email address.

It looks like many replied to your request. I have three sons and my husband works two jobs. He had an extra-marital affair last year. I don't believe it's happenstance that texting came up. You were suppossed to see it. That's a similar way I found out. Yes, I believe your husband is having or is considering having a physical affair with woman. Speaking from experience, they hide things because.....they know it is wrong. Confront him.....you will know in your gut. Don't be surprised if he is defensive (good cover up) Also, go to the cell company(or online) and review his text messages...and how often he has spoken with other woman. We seperated for a few weeks...financially he had to live here. When we seperated it was hard and scary...but freeing. I know this is alot to absorb, but the point is here I am 8 months later and we went through a couple of counselors until we found christian counseling-Touching Hearts. We are happier, and dealt with so many issues.
Remember men cheat because they are insecure usually. Do not blame yourself. I am here if you ever need to talk. Your children are important to him. And you may have to leave him for him to realize that. i am in no way insinuating divorce..........think a long time before going there.
God's got your back! Do not forget that. This may be the toughest day(s) of your life. But, you know what you will get up and live for your children.

I would say something!! Just ask plain out, "what does this mean" DONT let him turn the question around by saying something like Why were you stooping in my phone" When you do ask him (not confront) do it in a non-acusing way. You should not have to wonder, hes your husband, you should be able to ask him anything.

Good luck

P.

I just read the outcome,,,Im really happy it worked out well!

Definitely say something or it will drive you crazy for the rest of your life.

Maybe it was something silly like a funny picture of him or you when you were younger or maybe it wasn't. Either way find out.

When you go to talk to him make sure you are not accusing him of anything. Just tell him the truth and what you think. If you trust him, he will tell you the truth.

Good luck. I pray that it was just something silly=)

Dear Claudia,

Sorry that I am answering this so late after you posted it. This is Feb 9th. I have been really ill with the regular winter illnesses and am just now getting back to regular life. I couldn't just delete this, it hurts so much to have something happen to a person like this. I just want to comfort you, if I can, and tell you what I think.

For one thing, I hope that you waited until you were finished being angry. For your own sake. When we are angry and hurt, then the person who has done it usually retaliates in a mean way and hurts us even more, lots of times, blaming us. So I hope that didn't happen to you.

Just ask and let him do the talking. If he lies to you, then you will find out the whole truth sooner or later. Don't hurry and pry, just listen and wait. I have found out soooo many secrets during my life just by laying in wait and the truth finally gets out without me being stomped on. Of course, that takes a lot of strength and I know that the pain is tough too.

Just know that you are not at fault, some people just have to find fault. Don't play that game.

Good luck, C. N.

Claudia,
It sounds like you've had a really good marriage and you need to nip it in bud before something gets out of hand. I know it sounds harsh, but as you said yourself, he has always let you pick up his phone, check it etc.... it does sound like he's hiding something, and so whatever it is needs to be out on the table, or needs to stop.
10 years is almost that weird turning point. I have been with my husband for 15 married for almost 11.
My advice is to make some dates with him. You have to spend some alone time together and you both need to remember why you got married. If you just sit and talk about past things that have happened, it's great. Like how you dated or the way he asked you to marry him, or just some funny things that happened or even things that you have been through together. 10 years is along time and its fun to reminisce with our husbands about everything that's happened. (Do not bring up or talk about the kids on your date, this is harder than you think!)
I see that you wrote on Jan 30th, so it's been some time now. I hope things are working out,
A.

this is a tough one, you need to confront him in a calm way....i know, thats hard but if you don't it will eat you up and that's not good. I don't know how you feel about your husband texting other woman but if it is no big deal then why would he have to delete her picture.Sincerely C.

I've been married for 13 years....we got married young, I was 18 and he was 19. We have learned that communication plays a key role in a marriage as well as other things. If the issue is disturbing you then by all means question your husband because it only leads the mind and heart to wonder what else is going on. Hope all works out.

Dee G.

Hi claudia, my advice to you would be first pick your battles.If you feel like its worth asking than do it, and dont beat around th bush. secondly be very direct when ask him about the pic, it will catch him off guard and your more likely to get the truth (we both know men arent good liars)

I always say, "follow that gut feeling". Having said that, I usually like to confront people right away, especially since once the occasion passes and the evidence is now gone, some people will deny, deny, deny, which will make you really angry, but in this situation, I probably wouldn't approach him right away, but I'd start paying more than the usual attention and keeping a log of dates and other information.

I know that some women wouldn't do this, but I would also start looking through his pockets and cell phone on a regular basis. The reason being, I feel like I have a vested interest in my relationship, and because the text message has now placed the idea of your husband cheating or starting on the path to cheating 'on the radar'.

But first, before you go any further, you should sit and think about how you'd feel (or act) about any possibilities that may present, and what road or course of actions you'd take. Don't act before you've thought about all of the repercussions to any actions, especially, as you say, you are a stay-at-home mom of two.

(These ideas and advice is simply what I would do, and I'm not telling you that you should or have to do any of it, of course!)

Good luck (I hope it's all innocent).

I would definitely stop beating around the bush but come right out and ask him about it.

Say to him: "OK, here's a scenario for you - what would you do in this position, if you found out that your spouse has been texting and receiving pictures that, for some reason, you weren't supposed to see?"
1. Would you lose your temper and ask for divorce? or
2. Would you sit your spouse down and ask what's been going on and can it be fixed? - Is it a crush or is it real?"

Try to be calm and also, once you have asked him your question, let him talk. I find that we women get so emotional and want to let our guys know how upset we are about something, that we forget to listen. And in your case, you definitely want to know everything he has to say. And the more he talks, the more you'll know.

You've been married 10 years, 3 kids, some girl shows him attention and he's probably like a puppy dog lapping it all up. But having trust and integrity in a marriage means that you don't do something that you couldn't do with your spouse next to you. Just my opinion. I hope it was somewhat helpful. I feel for you, it's awful and disappointing to find stuff like that.

Good luck and be strong

First you need to ask yourself, if you trust him, why were you going thru his text messages? The text could mean a few different things. If it is bothering you so much, ask him. If he gets defensive it is a sign that he is hiding something since you say that he has no problem with you going thru his phone. It could be something as simple as her sending him a picture that she thought was funny and he was "afraid" that if you saw it you would take it the wrong way. If he has nothing to hide then he will give you a straight answer.

I would ask him outright. If he gets defensive or angry about you checking his text messages accidentally, then you have a problem.

I know how you feel. I ran into the same situation about 5 years ago. My situation had a bad beginning but a good ending. We both had the same type of phones and by mistake I picked up his. I found text messages he sent to a girl. I immediately confronted him and was devasted with the fact that he finally admitted he was seeing someone else. After he admitted his affair we were separated for about a year. We did not speak or see each other for 6 months after we separated. I couldn’t bear the fact to look or even talk to him after finding out what he did. After the 6 months we started talking about the situation and what happened and trying to figure out what we should do in regards to our children. It took another 6 months of us talking for us to figure out what we wanted. I’ll admit it was hard at first. But it's better to confront him now instead of waiting any longer. Thankfully we were able to work things out and have been together for 4 years. So I suggest that you confront him now and handle the situation as best as possible.

My only advice to you would be to just ask him what that ment. In my experiance if it ts nothing then he wont mind telling you what it is all about. If he gets upset then you might have a problem. But if you have a god relatonship with your husband then you are probably thinking too much.
Good Luck

Since you don't appreciate him being dishonest with you, I would say to be as honest as posible with him. I know he's probably trustworthy since you have been married for 10 years, however, it is never a good idea for either one of you to befriend the opposite sex outside your marriage. For example, you could say that you are not good/best friends with men. Does he want you having male friends you share secrets with? Tell him to cut the relationship off to keep an honest man honest and prove to you that you're his best friend.
Write down the most important things you want to say to him and don't be embarrased if you have to write him a letter. It seems you're very UNconfrontational otherwise you would have talked to him already. So that's why I suggest to write the important things down. It will keep you focused if he tries to make light of an otherwise heavy situation.
If he says this is okay with him, specifically tell him that it's not okay with you. You two are a team and need to act like one when it comes to this.

My recommendation is not to let it brew. The more you sit on this issue the bigger it becomes. Just tell him exactly how you described it above. You trust him but you also feel that you are being made a fool of. Turn it around on him, tell him if it was you and he found the text how would he feel. Open communication is the best way to make a marriage last. Good Luck!

Hello Undecided,
I feel you should voice anything that is bothering you. I think you should take time away from the kids. Try and have a nice peaceful dinner or lunc the two of you alone and once you find the right moment I think you should inform him of what you read and how hurt you are that he would say something like that in a text. I feel that contact with someone of the opposite sex is nothing but an affair waiting to happen. I am not jaded or closeminded. I have been married for 15 years and just feel that in a marriage there cannot be "just friends" and it should be both of our friends not just his or yours for that matter. I hope this helps. I would also just watch for any unusual behavior and just be on your toes. It is great to trust but sometimes it is the "friend" you need to watch out for more than your spouse. I would be aware I would not go crazy over it but go over the phone bill and see what activity is taking place and the times. If the relationship bothers you I would also let him know this. Let him know the seriousness of carrying on with someone that close can lead to new emotions or feelings that really should not be there. Remember NOTHING should be hidden from one another no matter how petty it is. Your spouse should be your best friend and best friends do not keep secrets from each other. I am no expert but I feel you!!!!!

Hope this helps!!!!!!

I believe it is important to get to the bottom of this. The sooner you find out what is really going on the better for you.

My story is not going to make you feel any better and it is important that you find out the real details. You might visit a therapist first to help with how to approach your husband. Generally health insurance will cover most of the cost of a visit.

I was a stay at home mom, married for 24 years with three children and believed my then husband was my best friend. He set up one of his employees in Aspen after a hurricane destroyed the business and it had to be rebuilt. We took the kids skiing and she was with us every minute except when we slept and she went back to her condo. He even asked me to "teach her how to ski." Daily he picked her up and took her back to her condo and it took a long long time. I told him that if I didn't know him better, I would think he was having an affair. He denied, denied, denied, denied, denied. It all came out several months later and now he is married to her.

Sorry - hope your story is better.

You should tell the "friend" that you saw the picture(even if you didn't) and ask here why she would do somthing like that and then see what her response is....Then go from there...Sorry but I had the same situation and my husband was having an affair with her ( It's called friends with benefits)She will ask your husband why he didn't tell her that you saw the picture and then he will be worried and have to ask you whats going on and you can say: "I dont know why dont you tell me" It doesn't sound good.........It sounds shady..Hope Im wrong...

You need to ask your husband about this. You need to be able to control your emotions and not let them get the better of you. If you come unraveled you will have lost. This could just be a silly women trying to get closer to your husband, this does not mean he is a all excited about the prospects. If you do not discuss this your mind can make something from nothing. Also, if your husband has never given you cause to be concerned you need to believe what he has to say. GOOD LUCK!!

I would check his cell phone more often when he is not paying attention. Also, check your computer history to see if there are any emails. You can also check cookies in your computer to see what sites have been visited.... Check to see how often they are talking on the cell. Does he call her a lot? You will have to confront him. Listen to your heart. How are you feeling? Often we try to deny our feelings when we should listen to them. If this message bothered you and made you feel funny about the whole thing- then you need to do something about it.

Hi Claudia,

I highly recommend you confront your husband very soon. Don't let too much time pass by. This uncomfortable situation is not going to be easy. It's important you really think this through on how you're going to approach him. That is great that the trust is there, but you definitely need to ask him about it. What you found on your husband's phone is unusual. It could be something innocent but you still have the right to know. If he questions you, be honest with him. Say what you wrote in your message. You didn't want to storm in and question him because you trust him, but you also feel uneasy about what you found. I wish you the best and hope what you found on the phone was minor.

This is definitely an issue that needs to be talked about. If you hold that in, your mind will drive you crazy with what ifs. It's better to go to the source and allow him to explain the situation. That text does sound shady, and I could understand your worry. Go to him out of love and concern, and at a time when you are both alone and have time to talk. It might end up being a silly text, or it might end up being a big deal. Either way, it is something that will be important to bring up for your sanity and for the trust you have for your hubby.

Good luck.

B

Dear Claudia,

I would talk to him calmly about it--in fact just say what you said in your request: that you answered his cell phone as usual, text messages popped up and you're upset. Don't presume anything--it may be an innocent exchange of some sort. On the other hand, let your husband know that HIS message back to his friend hurt your feelings because it implies some sort of impropriety. Keep in mind that he may have sent that text message as a kind way to remind his friend he's married!

I too have had this problem before. I always confront and he assures me I have nothing to worry about. I know I must sound naive, but he never has the time. Work all day and straight home after. We are always doing things together so I know it isn't an affair of any sort. I just think sometimes guys talk to girls as if they aren't married. Makes them feel like they still have it. I too have 3 children that mean the absolute world to him and I know he would never risk the thought of losing his family for a one night romp. Just be confident in your marriage. I would discuss it with him though to see the reaction you get. Especially if you know he doesn't have a problem with you answering his phone. Say you pushed the wrong thing when you tried answering the other day while he was sleeping and you noticed a peculiar text. I have any texted back myself to confront the girl. Anyways hope all works out for you.

Dearest Claudia,
I'm also a stay home mom with two beautiful daughter, 7 and 3. I am 36 yrs old and have been married for 11yrs. If this is really bothering you, you will need to confront him about it, but never in front of the kids or in the bedroom. Your other choice is to let it go. But if you do, you really need to let it go. You can't store those feelings inside of you becuase you will not be able to live or be happy. And you'll always have it in your mind. The longer you wait to confront him about it, the less validity you have to complain about it. Been there, done that. If nothing is really going on between his friend and your husband, then he'll make you feel at ease. Trust me a wife ALWAYS finds out sooner or later.
best of luck.
E.M.

Hi Claudia,

Husbands shouldn't be doing anything they don't want their wives to see. You have every right to question him. Trust is one thing. Blindness is another. I always hope and pray my husband doesn't cheat, but let's face it. The world is what it is. You need to say something. Either that or go the sneaky way and start checking his cell phone frequently until you see proof of the good or bad. Good luck!

You don't have to storm in on him while he is sleeping, but you do need to let him know you saw the message and that you were hurt by it. It may be nothing, but then again you won't know unless you say something. I personally don't believe in my husband having female friends that he needs to correspond with on a daily basis.

your married, so don't feel like it was your fault - your weren't snooping. You can't keep this inside. tell him. ask to see this picture & tell him how he hurt your trust & now he is breaking the trust you have in him. It is up to HIM to rectify the situation. I would check his phone a few more times too...But don't jump to conclusions & don't come out attacking him or he will naturally defend himself. Maybe casually say "so did you delete that picture yet or can i see it".. it really depends on what the picture is. a picture of a new car for you? a picture of him when he was younger before he meet you kissing a girl? a picture of a new motorcycle he wants? you need to calmly see this picture. where is it email? check it... his phone? look there too.. maybe try to see it first. check the deleted items too in case he deleted it. good luck!

Claudia,
Take a deep breath. Talk to your husband. No matter what happens, not saying anything is not healthy for your marriage. After 30 years with my husband communications is the thing that has kept us being "Us" Good Luck!

Since you say that you have a happy marriage, give your husband the benefit of the doubt. It could have been a harmless joke between friends. But since this is bugging you so much, don't let it go. That will turn it into something bigger than it is. I would suggest jokingly saying to your husband, "Hey, when your phone rang the other day I accidentally hit the wrong button and saw your message to Mary. (laughing & wide eyed) What picture did she send you?" And see what he says. If you approach it from the vantage point of absolute trust in and love for your husband, he shouldn't feel threatened by the question.

Good luck!

Hi Claudia,

I think you have a right to 'question' the text. Without more information and detail, I would say you have a right to check into making sure you don't see anything 'else' out of the ordinary. If you know your husband is a good man - and this is one situation that doesn't feel right...then investigate a bit further before you say something having him feel untrusted and you blowing it possibly out of proportion. Because you really don't know was it a gag pic was it something else? Give hubby the benefit of the doubt but don't be blind sided either.
Check your phone records for excessive amounts of calls and phone numbers you aren't familiar with. Check receipts if he's gone out to eat at times when you know it wasn't with you or a coworker. Any purchases you aren't aware of? Check his cell phone for a few more days, his archived text msg's and his incoming/outgoing log. If after an appropriate amount of time ( its up to you how long you want to give it), you don't see ANYTHING else that seems out of place or suspicious....then confront him outright and ask. Considering many days will have passed by this time - you'll be in a better mind set to approach him calmly and ask honestly -
"Hey, your phone was ringing the other day and I went to check it like usual and somehow I accidentally ended up in your text'd msg's. What picture did you have to erase from blah blah that you didn't want me seeing?"
His reaction may speak volumes to you. Or he may just be the husband you expect and give you a calm and honest answer.....but if he gets all bent out of shape like you violated his privacy??....start looking for more.

I'm going to pray that it's nothing. But ultimately only you will know threw instinct and routine if something is out of place.

Good luck.

Hello,
I don't know how I came upon this but if you're married for more than 10 years you should feel compfortable taking to him about it. If you trust him you would trust that he would tell the truth. He's obviously caught doing something he know would offend you so you can either continue checking his phone or confront him about it. All he can do is deny it. I've only been engaged and I personally have trust issues with men but I would check his phone again.

Maybe it was just a joke (like he said it sarcastically to her), but you should definately ask him about it- especially if he is usually okay with you answering his phone. He's your husband, and he shouldn't have any secrets. Odds are good it's just a misunderstanding and he will explain. But don't attack, bring it up calmly. Men hate to be attacked.

Dear Claudia M & Husband.
I had the same problems with my EX. The best thing to do is ignore the problem. Hormones always take over for both sexes.
Males need time to get a job that pays the bills and that means regular hours and he needs to have time to make "better love to you and appreciate your needs"(he should read some karma sutra or latest)have some one baby sit while you guys get some 1 on 1 time.Both try to go to a support group to get involved with people with your problems. My kids are all married and or have their lives so now (my wife and I are married 32 years and we trust each other for ever)hint: both take up dancing etc. God bless you from Bob and support group.(note: as people get older they have wisdom as elders)

Hello Claudia -

Your initial reaction was natural, but it is important to talk about these things with your husband. Since you do have a history of trust with him, approach it from that trusting place and tell him what you saw.

I'm assuming that you both agree about certain parameters of opposite-sex friendships (i.e. good boundaries) and that this was surprising to you because it's not his typical behavior. So perhaps he was trying to lightly tell the female friend that her actions (sending the pic) made him uncomfortable, and that was just how he worded the text.

The bottom line is, you won't know til you ask - so talk to him as a partner and not the opposing side.

I hope that helps :0D

Text her again from his phone and ask her to resend it. Then if the pic is something bad Ask him about it. Either way I would disclose this info to him and ask him what is going on. Krissy Just be honest.

I believe everyone has the right to ask questions if you are curious about anything in this universe. On the flip side, I also believe everyone has the right to refuse answering. If you really want to know what the whole story is between them, then ask. If you really trust your husband, then accept his response no matter what it is, even if it is refusing to answer. Only you can know for sure what to do then.
Good luck,
S.

....Uggghhhh.....ugly situation.
I've been there.
First of,, I don't think you accidentally landed on his text messaging setting...come on now.. you were tracking "something".
We usually know what's going on,, we just choose to be blind.
What the heck is a woman doing sending pictures to a married man's phone??? They are probably naughty pictures too.
I know you see the writing on the wall.
I wouldn't talk to him just yet,,men feel trapped when you confront them. He is not going to open up and admit to anything just because you are asking. Besides, he is just going to learn to "hidde it better" the next time.
If he sent a text message to her, then her number is in that message. Send her a text saying "waz up" or something and see if you get some hints on what's going on.Watch your punctuation and wording so she doesn't realize is you.You need more info before you confront him.
I also think you have some postpartum blues and that will make you very emotional and insecure.
Oooooooooh Claudia,,, I know how sad and directionless you feel right now. I wish I could hug you!!
He is obviously messing around with someone. Men are weird creatures, they have that sexual appetite, they are visual, and they have that ability to separate love and sex. Meaning, even if he loves you to death, he can still have sex with someone else and say "it was only sex". I grew up with 5 brothers and let me tell you..phew..I learned a lot about man ways just by being around them.
Also consider that you cannot go through life being a detective or an undercover police.If he wants to do something he will find the way. So.. if her number is stored somewhere in his phone..you can also get the kids away from the living room, sit down with him and ask him to call that person, carry a conversation having her in the speaker so by listening you can determine the nature of their relationship.Don't be aggresive about it, be the bigger person, if you loose your cool you loose the battle.You have the right to ask,, you have given him the best 10 years of your life and 3 children.
Men don't open up if they feel treathened, he needs to feel safe talking to you.
Therefore...............you have work to do girl...be smart about it, ok? later

You definitely need to ask him about it. Marriages don't survive on secrets of any kind. Maybe it was nothing, but now you are keeping a secret from him that you saw it and are upset about it. Instead of being mad, just ask him what it means. Let him know it upset you and you want to talk about it. I've been in your situation and it didn't help to push my feelings aside. Good luck! -S.

It's probabaly nothing. I have been married for almost 12 years and have a male partner at work and there are lots of things he and I share-because we have the same humor-that he wouldn't necessarily want his wife to know we share. It's not that we are doing anything innappropriate-our relationship is strictly friends. It's just that his wife does not share the same type of sense of humor that we do and he wouldn't want her to know/see certain text messages between the 2 of us. I wouldn't worry about it. But you have to trust your gut-I would just flat out ask him.

Hi Claudia,

It sounds like the picture might have been inappropriate and that this relationship may be becoming more than just friends. I really hope that is not the case. I had a friend in a similar situation and she was able to get copies of text messages as well as phone records from his cell phone company to see when he was calling the other woman. Once she had all of the information, she confronted him. They have 5 children and he moved out for almost a year. He is finally back home now and they are working on their relationship for the kids sake.

Good Luck!

I would definitely confront him and try to do it in a "non-accusing" way. It's going to eat at you for a long time if you don't find out what's going on?

I would gently ask him about it because until the truth is exposed this will bother you and come out in other areas of your marriage. This should bother you because it's not right or healthy. My other suggestion would be to call a wonderful Christian broadcast called "New Life." The phone # is 1-800-New Life. They deal with this all the time. They are on a different time zone so call anytime to see when they are on.
I promise they will help and are a blessing to many.
Also, if you're in the LA or surrounding areas they are on daily from 2:00-3:00 on 99.5 FM. "The truth will set you free..."
Diane

Marriage needs to be about trust. If you don't trust your partner, what's the point??? I believe mail, email and cell phone messages are not your business but your husbands. Sometimes by being nosy we find out things that are really none of our business. Perhaps the picture was totally innocent. Keep out of your husband's cell phone. It will keep you sane. If he is doing something he's not suppose to, you will find out in the time you are suppose to.

Always follow your gut instinct. You need to confront him.

I've been married to my second husband for over 6 years and we have a 13-month old. I do have a female friend who is 12 years younger than me and a fit model, so you know she is beautiful. But she is also very insecure. She has flirted with my husband and I totally trust my husband as well, but I have had to keep her and I's friendship very limited because I'm not very comfortable with her insecurity and how she relates to all men. Maybe this is the problem? I know if I caught this on my husband's cell, I would confront him immediately and find out what is going on and he would definitely do the same with me.

Hi Claudia,

I would suggest you tell him what you read. He's your husband and you should always have open communication whether good or bad. If he gets upset, let him be upset. You need piece-of-mind.

Tell him how your feel and let it go from there. Just don't jump into conclusions. :-)

Take care and good luck!!!

why beet around the bush? If he has done nothing wrong and you have a trusting marriage, ask him what it was about. Don't be the foolish stay at home mom with three kids who has no clue! Stay on top of things!! I am also married for 11 years and have 3 kids and have a very trusting relationship with my husband, but nobody makes a fool out of me!!

Oh you poor dear. It honestly sounds suspicious. My dear friend had what we she thought was the perfect healthy marriage of 20 + years. 1 week after Thanksgiving he left her. Not that this will happen to you but please talk to him. He should not be texting another woman.

Good Luck and talk to him.

Hi Claudia
I say that you need to go with your gut feeling. I had sort of the same situation. I stewed on it for days and then when I confronted my husband (of 2 years) I found out that he was looking for attention only. We had to go to counseling but I would not have been able to live with the secret of not knowing for sure. It is better to confront him and get it out in the open so you can move on. It might be innocent and that he wants someone to talk to. Good luck!

I read the comments below saying,"it could have been a harmless joke picture". How should I put this...if it was from a woman, and he had to delete it so "my wife doesn't see it" It was not harmless. I have also been married Ten years. I KNOW HOW HARD it is to stay faithful as a woman. Most long term married men I know in LA are leading double lives. When I read your post it sounded all too familar to the men who have approached me wanting to have affairs etc.. my gut tells me you should take note of this, see how he answers it, move forward - But, DON'T IGNORE IT. Some of the seemingly BEST Husbands I know are the BIGGEST cheaters. It's usually the ones that seem SO GREAT. I just want us women to understand how FREQUENT men do this. Women do it too. But, men with children justify it as needed and deserved.

i would talk to him about it

Hi Claudia,

I say trust your natural, God given intuition. If you feel something is wrong and it is really bugging you, you need to talk to your husband about it. You should speak with him in a loving manner but don't allow him to brush it off as nothing. It's something to you and he needs to make it right before it fester into something much worst.

Hope this helps. Also good look in finding a few good friends. Friends are very important. I was able to meet a lot of nice ladies (fellow parents) by being involved in my kids school activities. Also, joining smaller groups at church is a good way to meet people.

Best of luck to you.

Bye,
G.

Hi Claudia,
Im a single mom with two girls and never married so if I was in your shoes im not sure what I would do. I think I would of asked him about it.I also would look at his behavior over the last few months just think and process if he has a diffrent style lately.I would also pray about it. God will give you the
strenght you need. take care and talk soon you can email me ____@____.com if you would like.
Take care.God Bless
M.

Perhaps there is nothing to it and you are right to trust him. However, you should be able to ask your husband anything at all. So, for the sake of your own peace of mind, ask him what that text was all about. You are likely to confirm that it was nothing at all to worry about. Then again you may find out the opposite is true. Either way you will know and knowing is good.

Ask him without accusing him of anything. Do not let it go if it bothers you. You never know, the "friend" could be trying something with no effect. But be honest with yourself when he gives you the answer. If you suddenly feel yourself holding your breath or staring of into space, know that you are hurt and do not lash out. If the answer makes total sense and you are happy with it then let it drop. The only thing that obsessing over it will do is drive you bonkers. Contrary to popular belief not all men are dogs.

H. S

hello...i know how that can feel. secrets are shame and he's obviously ashamed of something. even if it is a little something. you, however, shouldn't be ashamed of asking for the truth. your feelings are more important than his discomfort. you should asbolutley communicate it right away. the further it gets from the day you found it, the more unjustified you'll be. i hope this helps and best of luck!!

Hi Claudia

I can see why this is so hard for you. I'm glad you didn't "go storming in" - that would definitely made the situation worse - good for you! If it;s still bugging you after 3 days it seems that it does have to be addressed with him. It doesn't have to be a battle if you are the one who sets up the parameters. First though, I'm wondering if this is something that has been an issue with you two before? Has he ever cheated on you? And, were you suspicious before you looked at his texts?

I've been married for over 30 years. Has your husband ever given you a reason to suspect that he might be doing something he shouldn't? If he hasn't this is probably something inocent. Pick your battles... communication is the key to a successful marriage. It is a natural thing to flirt with other people... you can look at the fruit, just can't eat it.
If you decide to question him... don't acuse him of anything just bring up her name in a casual conversation and see what happens.
Good luck

Hi Claudie
I have been married for 11 years, together 14. We have 6 children. I think that honesty is the best policy. To avoid talking about it will build resentment. Also, if it really is nothing, then you will know. The key to sucess is to be calm, even practicing what you want to say. I think starting with "I" statements always help too. "I am feeling really sad right now. I accidently got into your text messages and read... I feel this is inappropriate because we are a team. I only want to treat you with the utmost respect, and I want to be treated that way as well. If there is a problem, where you are not happy in this marriage, I would hope that you would come to me first, not to someone else" No games, just clear information on what you really feel. And have what you want to accompish. H.

Talk to him but give him the benefit of the doubt - if you trust him, show him by not accusing him, but asking him straight up. Tell him that it sent up red flags and you need to know the truth. Don't hold it in, be honest with him so that he can be honest with you.

Good luck!

Hi Claudia,
Sorry to hear about your situation, but I do think you neeed to do a little bit of investigation, before you BLOW UP and turn this into something it may not be.

Spend the next week checking his text messages, emails and incoming/outgoing phone #'s on his phone. This will give you some idea, if this intstance was just a ONE TIME deal, or do they really have something going on.

I don't think that he would be silly enough to leave info on his phone that may damage his marriage, so your lucky you found this RED FLAG when you did. If during this week you find out that he is having contact with her, you need to sit down and talk about it when your kids are at school or on a playdate with a friend.

Talk it out and good luck,
C. ;)

Hi Claudia,
You really need to go to him and let him know what happened and how you are feeling. It is doing you no good to hold it in and keep stewing or worrying about it. If your husband is someone you can trust and you can believe what he is telling you I think you can work it out. I have the same problem with my husband. His phone is always going off or he is texting someone. I hate it because his phone is totally off limits and he even sleeps with it under his pillow. When I ask him who he is talking to he always gives me some answer I don't believe. When I confront him on something, a lot of the time I feel he is lying or covering up something. However I always feel better that I got it off my chest and let it out. And you can always call the girl and ask her what the picture thing was all about. Hope you work it out.

I think you are obsessing over something that could be very innocent. If he clicked a funny picture of her with his cell phone, as people often do, he might have said what he said in humor. I suggest you let it go and spend more time being romantically available to him. It is obvious that you care about him. I would forget you saw it and concentrate on your making your relationship the best it can be. It is the everyday little things that makes it fun to be with another person. After 10 years, people can forget to do them. Saying thank you for driving, noticing how he looks, checking to see if needs something, a piece of chocolate--whatever is special. I bet if you focus on your own relationship, you will see results. Most relationships fail from neglect--long before there is someone else in the picture.

I believe in trusting a person, but I'm also a strong believer that one should not be blind. First of all, why is he having pictures of a "female friend" on his cell phone? Secondly, why does he want to erase his "female friends" picture, and has specifically wrote that he needed to erase the picture, so you wont see? My husband has a cell phone and he does not have any pictures of anyone, including myself. One only hides things when they are guilty of something. It could be an innocent friendship, but have you ever met this individual and how well do you know her. I think that you are denying the undeniable which may be that he is cheating on you or in the process of cheating. So be smart, investigate, confront and follow through. Unfortunately there are children involved, but ultimately you have to think about yourself and your children. If he is cheating on you, make sure that you plan your departure wisely, meaning you need to "Financially" secure yourself. However, you will ultimately do what is best for you, but you should ask him about the picture.

Don't let is stew inside YOU...ask him. I have done this to my husband and he has seen my e-mails. Its not snooping when its your husband, there shouldn't be any secrets anyways. If its a secret then he shoudln't be doing it in the first place. I would confront him and pay close attention to his reaction. If he is up front and has a viable explanation then you're ok but if he blows up, he's hiding something...good luck.

i would find a way to read the message in front of him since he doesn't mind you checking his messages. when he hears you reading it aloud, his reaction will tell you alot and you can discuss it right there and then.

Don't assume it is a picture of her;, we females in the workforce can be just as guilty of circulating tastelss pictures of bizarre visual jokes as men can and he might have recieved something like that from her and deleted it to spare you from seeing it. Your worrying about it may make it into something far worse than your good marriage can handle.

Answering is calls is one thing, but he probably never expected to find out you could access old text messges (or he didn't know they were stored himself). If you have a good marriage there might be some way to approach him without anger or accusation about the text, but I don't know it; talk to your clergy or a councellor if you want professional advise on that.

It's a big can of worms that you are either opening or manufacturing- you have to decide if you truly "accidentally" found the message- did you really hit a wrong button or were you subconsciously playing with the phone to find out what it would tell you, and go from there.

Best wishes,
C.

Claudia...

I really believe you should speak to your husband. Don't attack him...but speak to him. Before you talk however, take a moment to pray and ask God for a little bit of wisdom in your choice of words and to open the heart of your husband so that he can be receptive to what you are about to say. Don't accuse him...simply explain the situation to him, how it has made you feel and ask for his explaination.

Talk when things are calm. Perhaps after dinner, after the kids are in bed. Then let him know that something is weighing heavily on your heart and you'd like to speak with him about it. Don't speak in anger...but rather in love. What ever the outcome...just remember...it is always better to know the truth.

I pray all will work out well.

Take Care!
S. V.
www.dreamplanters.com
____@____.com

Dear Claudia,

Tell him what you read. You don't have to be confrontational about it, but let him know how it made you feel. Ask him what his response would be if the tables were turned. His text implied that perhaps the picture his female friend sent him was inappropriate and that your reaction to it would be negative. Ask him, why? I have mixed feelings on why he needs this type of female friend but you know your marriage best. I wish the best for you, and I hope it all works out. Sincerely, A. A.

I have been happily married for 23 years, so I have experience. That texting sounds odd to me and doesn't sound like a friendship, it sounds like more. My husband does not have friendships with other women unless I am involved. Fact is, he doesn't want to. Yours shouldn't either, there is nothing progressive about that idea-your either married or your not.
I strongly suggest counseling. Even if this flirtation is in an early stage, there is a problem.

Hi Claudia,
Whenever I have doubts about anything that may be going on with my husband I always try and come at him calmly and say I didn't mean to do this, but I found something and it made me uncomfortable and I wanted to know what it meant. Everytime he's been fine with it and always gives me what is going on and it's always been something I didn't even think about. Just think, maybe it's a picture of your valentines day present!! I hope this works for you!
A.

If you have a "gut" feeling, then you need to talk to your husband. I had that same "gut" feeling that I chose to ignore and it turned out that he was having an affair. I knew deep down that he was up to something, but I chose to look the other way. I divorced him soon after the truth came out and I am now in a much better place. As for you, the fact that he's hiding things from you and communicating with another woman, even if she is just a friend, is not good for a marriage. Your husband may be feeling neglected because you have a new baby, but that is no excuse. The communication lines need to be opened up. Good luck!

be honest. you owe it to yourself at least if not to both of you. maybe it was something totally innocent when he said that. haven't you ever taken and embarrassing picture of a friend and didn't want your husband to see it? not that you would really mind, but you might say something like that.

but either way. it sounds like you won't be rest free until you know the truth. so go ahead, give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him about it.

First, your husband should not be close with another woman. And if she is sending him pictures, then there is something inappropriate going on. Don't be naive. Confront him immediately and get into therapy with him before you are in for a big surpirse. I hate to tell you, but the pictures may have been of her naked. You are naive to the realities of his relationship with her.

Honestly, either talk to him or check his e-mails or call log...there may be something else going on...

I think you need to come right out and ask him what it meant. There should be no secrets in a marriage. If the text message was nothing then he should have no problem telling you what happened. When you bring it up I would try not to be emotional about it. Let him know that you trust him. If you become to emotional about it he could get defensive and try to turn it around on you, by saying you were snooping which you obviously weren't. I do the same to my husbands phone and he knows i do and doesn't consider it snooping. If he does try to turn it around on you i would just stop for a second, don't get defensive either, just stop the conversation before you start fighting about it and wait until another time to talk about it. I hope everything turns out fine... best wishes.

Just be careful. Don't accuse him of anything. Just ask him what kind of picture did he need to delete? Ask him if it is funny can you see it? You can act as if it really doesn't bother you, you just want in on the joke. Come on when you a stay at home mom, we think of the worst, don't. Enjoy life and remember it is probably more innocent than you think.

I think you should talk to him about it. When the kids are all in bed just sit down and calmly ask him about it. Don't attack him or accuse him of anything, just let him do most of the talking, but you definitely deserve an explanation and open communication in a relationship is key!

If he is your husband and you are his wife and you trust eachother then you need to go to him directly and ask what the HECK this text message is all about. If it were your phone and your message to a man friend (more yours than his) would your husband ask you what the heck that message was about?

Claudia, I too trust my husband but if that situation happened between us I would have to confront him. If I didn't it would eat at me and I would end up taking it out on him or worse the kids. I would try to calmly talk with him about it and let him know how it made you feel. No ones perfect and sometimes we do/say stupid stuff and thats ok but you need to get it out and discuss why this may have happened.

Dear undecided'
The male ego is a fragile thing. Even though your husband may love you-- he might flirt if encouraged -- and believe me there are plenty of women out there willing to play. I would advice you to be observant of his behavior and then decide if you need to vent. The "she " may have sent a picture of herself and your husband reponse although maybe only flirtation- demonstrates a willingness to participate.

This is a come out of the closet warning sign do not put it in denial. I suggest you do not overeact but I would get into counsiling right away. If he is trailing off it is a good sign your marrige is happy is one sided.....There is a book called Make-up don't breakup...by dr. bonnie eaker weil and it is about getting the the love you want and keeping the love you find. It is a ground-breaking approach to bridging the gap between men and women. Even to the point if they are in a relationship with another women it shows how to get them back. This book has worked and healed many personal relationships I have witnessed personally......you can find this book on line. And if not you can email me at ____@____.com I will get it to you. That is how much I believe in it's approach....thanks....R. marcelle

Claudia,
Try to think under what circumstances you would send a picture of yourself to a married man (your friend more than your husband's), and not want his wife or your husband to know about it? What reaction of your husband's would be justified? Follow your gut now, or when you are ready, but either way, it needs to be followed. Your gut had you check text messages, so my guess is that this isn't your first suspicion. Believe it or not, good things may come of it...like areas you may have fallen away from each other. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!

Dear Claudia, I am a mother of one and grandmother of my first grandbaby, so I've been around for a bit. It sounds kind of fishy to me if there is nothing going on, why he would say he did not want you to see it, or for that matter why does he have her picture. However, I also believe there are sometimes goo reasons for things. I know you said you trust him and you probably have never had something like this happen and that is why you trust him. Just mention the situation to him, it is better to bring it out in the open, he may have a perfectly logical explanation for this behavior, keep your voice down and do not get upset, one who gets upset loses....
Good Luck,
Ale

Good luck

Dear Claudia,

If you say you trust your husband, then give him the benefit of the doubt! You say that
you've been married for ten years and if your husband has never given you a reason to suspect otherwise, then he shouldn't make a big deal when you come out and speak honestly about your feelings in the situation. My best advice to you would simply be to follow your heart. Open communication and trust are the key essentials in a loving and lasting marriage.
Good luck and I hope things will turn out smoothly...Your Aloha friend-R.

Dear Claudia,

You need to confront him, tell him what you saw and how it hurts you, have him be totally open and honest with you. Marriage is built on trust but also on openness. What he is doing, he is playing with fire here and it would only get worst if you don't confront and stop him. You need to tell him how much this hurts you! For yours and the children's sake, speak out to your husband and work on rekindling the love in your relationship.

Hi Claudia;

Please be honest to yourself and to your husband. You trusted your husband but temptations is always there besides him. If you have a spiritual believe, you will be praying for him and your family together in order not to be tempted. Mostly of women's here in america, even thought they know that your husband is married, they still wanted to have an affair to your husband. If your husband is weak, which is much more worse because he will be tempted too. I am letting my husband know that I only give one chance to be honest to and to our relationship. If the man is not satisfied with one woman/wife, there is something wrong with your husband. He knows the rule of being married, he should know better not to start sending text messages to another woman. Once the married man started to having a female friend, then you will have a problem with your husband because he is started to hide something from you. If I were you, confrontation with your husband is the best solution so that you will know where to stand. Make sure to handle this situation properly and calmly because you wanted him to ask for forgiveness and apologize. Ask him what he wanted for your marriage? Ask him to be honest to each other so that you won't wasted your time and energy if one partner is not honest to the other. It is not fair for you to stay mom and looking after and raised those 3 children, and your husband contributions to the family is to support you and your three children financially. It is better to straighten up the whole issue now before it get's worse and worse. Please make sure you're secure and your children financially. Make sure you set up your own account in the bank for the sake of yourself and your children for safety reason. I hope your husband is not foolish enough to have an affair with another woman. Keep your temper and heads up even thought you found out something about this text messages. God always work with miracle to find out the truth about your husband. God know when and where your husband will be caught by you. Sometimes, even thought you caught your husband having an affair, they won't admitted to you and they will keep lying to you over and over again. I have married with one like that and I get rid of him because he cannot be honest to himself and to our marriage. It is not worth my life to be married with a man who lies to you over and over again. They have a mental disorder to behave like that. Good luck and take care.

A.