Uncomfortable Situation - Ellicott City,MD

Have you offered to help her plan a budget? That seems like the best way to show you care and help resolve the issue.

I was a debt collector years ago (it was a job, I do customer service now to atone, and am very nice to people...don't hate me for it!). Consequently, I have some suggestions. It sounds like you are aware of your rights, but just in case.... If your parents tell a collector that they may not call their number again, they legally are not allowed to do so. Ask the name of the company and the collector, get a phone number before you say anything (they'll hang up fast if you start to say don't call, so that they can keep doing it)...you need to be able to call back to put on record, do not call. The number on the caller id isn't always good for callback. The company I worked for (supposedly a respectable company too) gave out calling cards so that calls wouldn't be traceable or recognizable on caller id, so saying do not call has loopholes. Look up the fair debt collection act of 1996. Unless the rules have been loosened since, a collector can be personally liable for violating the act, and be fined $1000 per incident. They may not call a number once told not to do so. They may not call several times a day.They may not give personal info, like the amount being collected, or really even that they are collecting (unless its first party collections). They cannot threaten to do something they don't intend to do. Your MIL should send them all certified letters demanding that all phone contact must stop, with communication only in writing, and then only to advise what actions the collectors intend to take that are allowed by law. She should do so to ensure that the burden of fending them off isn't laid on your family. Your husband should confront her, don't you think? MIL relationships are tricky as it is...he should handle it. The pressure on collectors to collect is pretty intense, and the companies are unscrupulous in demanding the annoying behavior collectors are famous for. She must really be in serious debt for them to be skip tracing her and finding obscure relatives. That is hardcore collecting. It is very easy to skip trace possible contacts. There are services which give the numbers (and partial social security numbers) of everyone on any given street. Her neighbors are likely getting messages for her if she's at the point you say. You would be in your rights, in my opinion, to require her to show you the names of every creditor on her credit report, so that if she won't do it, you can send every one of them a certified letter to seize and desist further contact with any of your family. The woman needs credit counseling, and mental counseling. This sounds like a serious addiction. She needs an intervention. Is she being foreclosed on? It sounds like it. Your husband should be dealing with his mother before they are asking you to take them in.

This is a typical situation (unfortunately) for relatives in debt. My kid brother is having issues and somehow MY MIL was getting calls from creditors for him. She simply told them that she did not know him and that he did not live at that phone number/address and would hang up. This is what creditors do - they follow a "trail" - in my case, I am connected to my brother and my husband so they "traced" to my MIL through hubby. When I mentioned these calls to my brother, I think he was embarassed that my MIL had gotten pulled in to the "net" that the creditors were throwing while looking for him. The calls stopped shortly thereafter - not sure if it was his shame at being caught (like did he really use her name on an application???) or that her statement and hang up got the point across to the creditors.

Folks like this do not want any help. They don't want to talk about it. They don't want help setting up a budget and paying down their debt. They don't want to seek help - professional or otherwise.

I hate to say it, but there isn't really anything you can do other than to keep telling the creditors that they have the wrong number for the person they are looking for and hopefully the creditors will stop calling. This will always be a gorilla in the room until your MIL owns the problem for herself.

I wish you lots of luck (and look forward to see if there are any suggestions that I could use too).

~C.

I can't believe it took to the point of them calling your parents for this to upset you. All I can say is God bless you for not prosecuting her long ago. You are definitely headed to sainthood.

Creditors use any and all information to get to the debtor. They have ways of using public records to dig up all kinds of information about family, friends, neighbors, pretty much anyone the debtor has/had a relationship of any kind. Chain probably went like this (to get your parents info): From her information they got your son's information- discovered he was married to you, found your relatives names and found your parents information. All public records. They are like wormy little ferrets. And they aren't going to admit how they got the information- what's easier then saying the debtor gave him the info?
I'm sorry this is happening to your family. It sounds like your MIL needs some mental help. I hope things work out. Good luck.

This is a toughie and I am not sure there is really a tactful way to deal with this - I would probably be screaming and cussing right now if my folks were being called by creditors. I totally get your frustration about your parents being involved and I am sure you are embarassed, but ultimatly this is out of your control. :( Do your parents and his parents mingle much? Hopefully they can avoid interaction until this blows over, if not, how do you think your parents will react at the next family function?

And finally, will your reactions or the strain between you and your MIL put a strain on your relationship with your hubs? Hang in there and be careful. Like I said this is a toughie.

I'd call the cops on her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is family, but she is doing an ILLEGAL THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is literally stealing from you and your immediate family.
She OBVIOUSLY has a problem and it needs to stop some how. I would have an intervention. Does her husband actually know whats going on or is he in the dark?? Get an addiction specialist and set up an intervention. This is the only way other than calling the cops, that I can see this can get solved.

Incredibly, my sister is like this as well. She has a decent full time job (and always has), but does not have a checking account (for fear someone will come take her money out of it, sigh), lives modestly but has what she needs. She cashes her paycheck at her local grocery store and buys money orders to pay bills.

She hides from financial issues. I cannot ever get to the bottom of any given thing because she just throws up her hands and decides she doesn't understand any of it so she's not going to do anything about it.

I have helped her sort through and work out a number of things, but I know there are other issues because I've gotten calls at my house asking for her.

I answered the calls. I told them she doesn't live here. And said I don't know how to get in touch with her, did not give them any info, and they stopped calling.

:)

good grief. how did your parents get tangled in that web? makes no sense to me.

I know how they got your relatives names. You can do a free search on about 20 sites to see "relatives" of a person. When you run a full credit report, it shows everyone who lived at the address for ten years. It also shows aliases and married names.

There are several services used by bill collectors and law enforcement that are rich with information. They will list family connection, neighbors information and the like. It is very legal to obtain. Now how they use it -I am not sure about the legalities.

You are not going to affect any change in your in laws at this stage. SnowKoko gave great info on what you should do. Best wishes.

Best wishes.

They got the names somewhere. She is not going to change. I would do whatever I needed to confront her with this. I would even talk to an attorney, to see if there was anything legal your parents could do. Like supeona the applications to see where they got the information. Something has to be done to be able to prove that she is committing fraud.

Are you married to my husband's brother? I think we have the same MIL! lol. Mine did the exact same thing with my husbands credit and went so far as to borrow money from my M.- which she never paid back. The best thing I can tell you is to get a credit monitoring service. I get an email alert every time anything happens with mine or my husbands credit. Whether its an inquiry or increase in score, or anything else. That way that protects your and your husbands credit.
As for your parents- I would really just tell you to continue to take the measures to stop the calls. However- your MIL needs to stop listing you as a reference. Thats why they are calling you, and subsequently your parents. Talk to her (or have your hubby) and tell her she needs to stop involving you and your family. I wish you luck, I know how frustrating this can be.

She may be embarrassed about putting your parents on her applications, but how else would they trace your MIL to your parents, unless they had the same last name?

I say this because we get calls probably once every two weeks or so for different people with the same initial as my husband's first name and our last name. There are a lot of people out there not being square.

I've also been slightly on the other side of this: years ago I had an ER bill overdue, and the collection company called my friends, who I'd listed as an emergency contact on my hospital paperwork. It was embarrassing, but it was true, I had given them my friends contact info, and this was what I agreed to when checking in (that the info could be used both for medical care and recovery of monies owed, basically) -- I hadn't stayed in enough contact with them and was late on payments. Very humbling and I've taken pains not to repeat that mistake. I've never had family contacted for bills, however, as they all live far enough away not to be listed as an emergency contact. Thus-- they likely don't have a name unless it's given to them.

Not to be a killjoy, but the fact that she damaged her own son's credit is testament to the fact that she has trouble managing things financially. You can help her plan a budget, but it's not likely that she'll keep to it. As hard as it might be, the best thing may be for your parents to write her a letter explaining that she should discontinue using them for a reference (because, really, this is likely what she did) and then tell those who call that they have no idea who she is and to take their phone number off the list. At least they won't have to deal with repeat calls.

What a terrible situation. I'm not sure what else to say, other than it's highly likely that your MIL was in the wrong. Do you want to express that to her, that it's causing your parents grief, and that it puts you in an awkward position? That's your choice. It just seems odd to me that a collector would trace her living children, who they married, and then the parents of the spouse. Maybe a private detective, who was making some more money than those working at the collection agency call center, but this seems like a very obscure line of information to track down and a lot of money to pay out for a debt that may not be collected on.

H.