Ugh!!!!

I can think of 2 things you could say to him without sounding too critical. One is "watch your language around kids" , and the other is "get with the times". I have a FIL who is always saying racially insensitive things, and I realize that some of it is how he was raised, and some of it is just grumpy old man attitude. My husband will say something to him, because we don't want our son repeating his language. Even after my FIL got fired from a job for something he said, he didn't change.

Tell your husband that the simple act of talking to his father about it would be meaningful to you, even if it doesn't change your FIL. Your husband could even take the approach of saying he knows dad meant no harm, but just wanted to share how hurtful that word is to our family... If you let your husband know that the attempt will be what is important to you, not the results, maybe he will try. The attempt is all your husband has control over anyway, but by making the effort you will feel better.

Sad to say your FIL is a product of his time and culture and at his age may no tbe able to change such ingrained behavior. BUT, why don't you speak with your FIL - explain that you know it is habit and he does not think about his grandaughter that way, but at some point in time someone else (most likely another child) will say it to your daughter and she will remember everything her Grandfather had to say about the topic and she will be hurt and upset. Therefore moderating his language around her now will help their relationship in the future.

Good luck!

Just casually bring it up to him yourself. If he says it all the time, then next time he says it, calmly tell him that it's a derogatory term that hurts your feelings due to the special challenges that you and millions of other people face, and that it hurt's your daughter's feelings as well.

However, if he doesn't change, you will come across it time and time again by other people, and so will your daughter. My cousin has extreme mental retardation, but hearing the word retard used in that context doesn't bother me so much. I have learned, that a word only has power if you give it that power, especially when used by people who are ignorant of the full scale of that term.

The actual word "retard" came before it was applied to mental retardation in the 1400's, such as to stop, hinder, delay or retard something. So, next time you hear it, think of that as the application of the term and then focus your energy on something else.

You seek to control what your fil says? Good luck with that.

In this situation, I would recommend spending your energy in the pursuit of something possible... since you have no more control over what other people say or think (or do) than you have over the weather, it would make much more sense to be supportive of your daughter, make choices about when and how much time to spend with negative influences, and help her see how thoughtless people's words ARE NOT RELATED TO HER.

I shouted that last bit because it seems to me that you're electing to take things personally that have nothing to do with you. While there may well be tons of emotional energy in some words, the fact is they're just noises that can affect you (or your daughter) to the extent that YOU allow them.

Another way of looking at this is that your fil is a thoughtless git who is unlikely to magically turn into a selfless spirit of generosity and acceptance... so the kinds of things, surprisingly, reflect the toxic mess that is the inside of his deranged head. Not a reflection of objective reality and nothing at all to do with any other living person. The only appropriate emotional response to that is pity. Poor guy --imagine having to live in that head!

You could try to talk to your father-in-law but many people can be stuck in their ways of speaking and thinking. Unfortunately he may be one of those people. When we are around those kinds of people sometimes we have to develop thick skins.

I would speak directly to him understanding he may not change while giving him time to change.

For me the word retard for you is like the word nigger for me.

It's just a "word". You need to pick your battles wisely, this one is not worth stressing over. Find something more worthy of your time and fight for that. Using the term "retard" has been loosely used since the 70's and I don't think you will change that. Move on to something more important and don't let that cause a rift in your family, it's so not worth it. If you are the mom of a special needs child, you will need to be much tougher than that... and you will need to teach it to her too. Dont put so much more power into that word, because ultimately some day somone will call your daughter "retarded" (kids are mean remember). She needs to realize that word is not that important to allow it to ruin her day. That starts with you Mom.

Your husband doesn't want to get in the middle of this. So why can't you talk to your FIL? He'll respond in one of 3 ways. 1) He'll agree with you, say he's sorry and never talk that way again, 2) He'll pretend to agree with you, say he's sorry and never say it again in front of you again, or 3) He'll not agree with you, call you an effin retard and not care what you think at all.
My grandmother had the most ignorant mouth you ever heard - she could swear fluently in 2 languages. She could make sailors blush. There was no telling her to modify her behavior or way of talking. Some old folks are stubborn old cusses and they are that way till the day they die. Good luck!

I have gotten very upset at my parents for this type of thing as well. They were shocked, and I was shocked that they were shocked! Apparently, when they were growing up and forming their vocabulary, the correct (politically and otherwise) term for those that were developmentally disabled was "retarded." If you look at the meaning of the word, it just means "to be delayed." Because it was used as a disparaging comment, it has taken on that meaning as well. But originally, it was politically correct.

I hate this, but the meaning of words changes as the culture changes. Maybe he does not know that the meaning has changed this dramatically. Maybe he does not equate your beautiful daughter with having special needs. (I'm sure he knows, but just doesn't think of her that way.) Maybe he is not aware how much it hurts you.

Yes, your husband should talk with his father. But it could be more of a vocabulary lesson instead of a confrontation. Perhaps your husband could recommend words, or bring up how language changes over time, and start the conversation that way.

I imagine that leveling with this man will make a big difference. Some people for whatever reason just dont realize they are being inappropriate. My husband asked me nicely one day not to say "pissed off" in front of the children. I didnt even realize it was a curse word, my family used it for everything. I realize its different than "retard' and a grown man should know better, but just tell him exactly how you feel about it, with no attacking. He will most likely stop doing it, and be a little embarrassed.

I think you have every right to be upset. I am a special ed para educator and work with a lot of special needs kids. I can't imagine a place for that word that would ever be acceptable anymore. They don't even medically label kids Mentally R***** it is now mentally handicapped or Learning Disabled.. something along those lines.

My daughters high school has adopted a program called Stop the R word and they suggest if you are used to using it as.. oh that is R!, that you replace the word with ridiculous. Many hugs to you and your children. As for the some the other posters.. there are words that are more than just words if they cut people down.

One thing I've come to realize is that our parents and in laws are just the way they are, as someone else said they are a product of their times. My father will say things that make me cringe.. I have been in arguments with him over it. I have just turned the other cheek and realized it's not worth the battle. However if he is saying things that you dislike in front on your daughter that it is your and your husbands responsibility to make it clear (in front of your children) that such language is not appropriate and ask them very respectfully no to use whatever words you do not wish for your daughter to be exposed to. Between adults just let it slide. I've had enough arguments with my dad to put us both off for a whole day and I just know now he will not change no matter how much I ask him to.. I do however expect him to respect my rules when it comes to my children. Good luck I hope you can find a way to handle the situation, I understand it can be a hurtful thing, but (and not meaning this to sound harsh) we have to grow a little thicker skin.

If hubby is not talking then I think it is fine for you to say something BUT only when he uses the word.... FIL says something something retard... you calmly say "can you please not use that word when I or your granddaughter are around." Meaings of words do change so next time he uses the word ask him to please not use that word when you or your daughter.

I would just handle it like a swear word (not something I want my daughter to learn as well as I think it is inappropriate to be done period), I ask family and friends that when I or my daughter are around that swear is not done. Now the way they grew up they may have learned it and it is just part of their nature so I do not always harp on it but try to politely say that I really do not want my daughter picking up those words because I think they are inappropriate. Sometimes they roll their eyes, whatever, but they usually try their best to avoid swearing around my daughter.

I think your FIL might be in the "clueless" camp. I have MANY in-laws that are there with him.
We were at my son's baseball game O. night and my FIL was there. O. of the team players has a brother with Downs and he was having an outburst with his mother on the bleachers and my FIL looks at me and says "Is there something wrong with him?" Which was so wrong on SO many levels! He had no idea what Downs was, how Downs kids look, why it was not "wrong" for the kid, etc. Some people are just clueless.
I believe what I would do in your situation (if it was ME) is I would just say something directly to him the next time he exhibited such cluelessness. I'd probably say "Do yuo have any idea HOW offensive what you just said is to SO many people, including me?" And then I would be quiet so he could truly realize his error. Sorry you have such a baffoon as a FIL.