"Typical" Toddler Issues

Hi M.
A few thoughts--For the eating, I would tell her that if she can't stay in her chair to eat, then she will need to go back to the highchair until she decides she can stay in her chair (and let her try it again). Make it her choice--either high chair or regular chair at the table. Be consistent and she'll figure it out soon enough. For the teeth, my 5 year old is just finally brushing his own teeth and can do it well. He couldn't do it at even 4. So don't sweat teaching her the teeth brushing--she is too young. Let her do her thing with the brush and then you brush her teeth. Shampoo--my kids didn't like water over their heads either at age 2, so I just kept wetting the washcloth, wring it out, and wiped it over their heads until all the shampoo was out--it takes much longer, yes, but now both my kids don't mind water over their heads. Good luck!

#2 - we got advice from another mom to pretend that there were animals in her mouth that needed to be cleaned out... our 2 year old has such a fun time with it that she now wants to brush her teeth every chance she gets (fine with me)! If she starts to suck the toothpaste off, we just remind her of the brushing part (we go after a hippo at the back or something) and she starts to mimick after that!

Hope this helps.

My 2 yr old is exactly the same way. I wouldn't worry about the eating thing. If she doesn't eat, then she doesn't get anything else and that is that. Do not try to reason with your daughter, she does not have the mental capability at this age to understand that stuff, no 2 yr old does. At this age it's all black and white, no gray area.
With the teeth brushing, make sure that you get her unfluoridated tooth paste. You don't want her swallowing that. What I do is this, but paste on the brush and let her suck it off or whatever, then take her brush and tell her "mommy's turn" and you brush her teeth. Again she doesn't have the capability to understand good hygeine. I am just teaching my 5 yr old how to wash all his "parts" so give her time.
There are these little hats you can buy at Baby's r us that are like sun visors. They velcro around the head to keep the water out of their face. Which is most likely the issue. Their cheap too, about $5 for 2 hats. Once she gets use to wearing it, you should have no more problems with that.

Hi M.-

My daughter is also 2 so I can offer some insight...

1. Eating dinner together - This was a battle for us too. A few things I have noted is that my daughter is worst when she can't reach the table. Try a booster seat sans the straps. My daughter does not like being restrained/tied down. However, she does like the high chair which she uses at my mother's. I think it is the consistency - that is her special chair when she eats there. Make sure she has a designated place at the table and insist she eat with you. We have started to implement a 30 minute rule in which she has to eat in 30 minutes and then the food is removed. We are trying to teach her to focus when she eats.

2. Time Outs - This can be a very effective tool. We purchased a "special" time out chair. We needed 2 - one for upstairs and one downstairs. We keep it in the closet so it it not used as a play thing or toy. She gets a three chance count down - "1" Mamma asked you to sit at the table and to eat dinner, "2" Sit and Eat, "3" Time out. We use the one minute plus their age rule so she gets 3 minutes right now. If she leaves the chair, just put her back. Do not speak to the child until the TO is finished. The clock restarts each time they get up. When it is finished, we ask for an apology. Initially, we started by asking her to say "Sorry" and she would usually repeat that. Now we ask her her "sorry for what?" and she will usually say "tantraum". We will elaborate on what part of the tantraum was the problem so not listening, kicking", not sitting, whatever. Then we tell her we love her and kiss and hug her. After that we let it go unless there is a repeat performance. We try to apply TO to critical battles. I think sitting and eating with the family at the table could be one of the ones that warrant a TO. The key is consistency on a topic. So if you both agree that is an important issue in your family use it there. If it happens in a resturant or another location (like Grandma's), pick an appropriate location to implement the same steps. I have used the last step of a staircase or a footrest.

3. Brushing Teeth - This is something we started very young when she started getting teeth. We would brush them for her in our bathroom with us while we did ours. Then we got her to hold the brush and we told her mommy and daddy needed to finish. She would typically just suck toothpaste so we would use a non-floride paste. We still tell her we need to check them. We make her open wide and say "ahh" for the molars, smile and say "eeee" for the front teeth and ask her to stick out her tongue. We make any funny noise that makes her giggle for the tongue. She then takes a few sips of water.

4. Dry Spots - No experience here. Sorry. But for rinsing the water from her hair, we make her stand in the shower and hold the railing on the wall as we tell her "Chin Up" and make her tilt her head back. It works most nights. Otherwise we just deal with the tears.

Lots of luck on all these issues.
~C.

Ally's advice was spot-on. Ignore the bad and reward the good. If she won't sit at the table, ignore her during dinner time (no matter what!). Don't make dinner a very long affair though or it will get frustrating for everyone if she's crying.

I learned this tip from a psychology professor my friend was dating when my daughter was two and it worked like a charm. She used to drop her food on the floor with every single meal. The one time I ignored it, the behavior stopped. It kind of goes against our upbringing which used to be "do as you're told or else!" which basically just forced most of us to do stuff behind our parents back and was ineffective as a parenting method. I really had to get over the "control" issue in order to be a better parent. My daughter is now 17 and a very well-adjusted girl.

Be sure to use organic shampoo since chemicals are left on the scalp and absorbed. Same for the toothpaste. No fluoride! It's toxic. Research that one for yourself. Check out the history of fluoride, etc.

My daughter had oily but dandruffy and flaky hair until we switched shampoos and used a rinse based in apple cider vinegar. After a few months the problem completely corrected itself. Unless she's getting a lot of dirty stuff on her hair you don't really need to wash it much. Most people overwash hair. If you can't find chemical-free shampoo and toothpaste you might want to take a look at my site which is all certified organic products. Safe enough to eat. www. good skin for life .com. Mamasource doesn't generally allow links so leave out the spaces.

PS: if she messes up the walls again, be sure she also helps you to clean them. Don't do it for her. Give her a soapy sponge and let her help.

Sounds a lot like my son...

1. Yes, right way to handle it. Your daughter got the message that meals are for eating and socializing with the family- not for throwing food and tantruming. We go through this occassionally with my son and we will let him be upset and have had dinner with him screaming at us more than once- but he doesn't get up and go play. Usually after 2-3 minutes, he caves and eats his dinner and ends up laughing and talking.

2. I usually let my son "brush his teeth" himself for a minute or two (usually while I am doing mine) and then do the brushing for him. He doesn't like for me to do it, but if you're quick you can usually hit most of the teeth!

3. Try wiping her head with a washcloth after the bath to get out the extra shampoo. She probably got quite a bit of hair, so you don't want to goo it up with lotion, but maybe dab a wet cotton ball to soak-up the residue and then rub a little lotion on those spots.

OMG - this sounds like my 2 & 1/2 year old son. I've decided to just not fight him anymore. My thoughts are he will grow out of it and my thought is he is not harming himself or anyone else and does he really KNOW what he is doing beyond 'control issues' The dinner table...I let him sit for as long as he will tolerate it (which is usually less than 10 minutes) Teeth brushing...my son does the SAME thing. I've even tried the bathtub route too. I'm going to try one of those light up more exciting toothbruses next but for now I just let him do it himself and I try to get in there. Not an ideal answer, but you can only force and fight so much in my opinion and I'm thinking he is NOT the only child who does these things and I think he will still grow up to be just fine! The rinsing of the head - ughh, my son just started freaking out about the washing and rinsing...I put the faucet on during this and it kind of distracts him even though he still puts up a fight. I've also made a big deal about using a wash cloth around his hair line to shield the water from running into his eyes/ears b/c I think thats what was bother him the most. I thought about getting one of those pitchers with the soft side that you press up against their head - I saw one in babies r us I think. Not sure if that will work. So while I have no clear answers for you, just wanted to let you know how I'm dealing with the same 3 issues. I'm sure some moms will think I am being to relaxed and not teaching enough but I have to be honest with you - my son is very independent and strong willed but he is a very good boy too and while he may not brush his teeth perfectly and sit still at the dinner table for long periods of time, I don't think he is misbehaved or out of control - I think he is flexing his toddler muscles and I think he will move on from the fight - so in the mean time I am picking my battles. I feel like if I make to much of a big deal or FORCE him to do things, it usually winds up being MUCH WORSE of a fight and then I think - hmm, what are we really teaching and learning here after all is said an done. He knows what he has to do, he will do it when he is ready. I will just keep encouraging and when necessary pushing in a gently way! ; ) My other concern is GETTING DRESSED - Ughhh! What a battle! The transition from summer clothes to fall/winter is not going so well!!! LOL! Oh and much of the problem I have is he is to smart to trick, unless he allows me to trick him. I've tried pretending their are things in his mouth, I'll show him what I get out of his teeth, etc. He just looks at me like - yeah, mom I know what your doing...and he does so its not so easy to trick him or whatever you want to call it to get him to do things. It has to really be of interest to him - ha hahaha!

First, you are not doing anything "wrong". Stop beating yourself up...I actually relate to you very much. It wasn't too long ago that I thought I was the worst mother, or I was just given a horribly difficult child, maybe both. I swear, I am no expert but my life went from complete chaos to a complete dream! My son is 3.5 now and was a terrible, terrible two- the worst. what I recently discovered changed everything for us- the greatest discovery and works with just about every kid. I am shocked more parents don't know about it. Anyway- it's just simple behavioral therapy that they use on children with autism. I picked up on it one day watching my son play with my BFs son (who has Autism and often has behavorial therapists with him on our playdates). I was amazed at how my son was beahiving himself and responding to rules like never before! So of course, I asked my BF to teach me everything she knows...and because my son does not have any disability it worked almost immediatly!
Here is the basic gist: Reward good behavior and ignore bad. This is VERY difficult for parents to comprehend at first, including me and my husband. How do you ignore when your 2 year old smacks you in the face? It's not easy...but if you commit to it, you will see amazing results in a short amount of time.
We also found that timeouts were not working...so we stopped. later we implemented them again as a good thing...not a punishment. Sort of how mommy needs a time out to rest or calm down...and now that works for my son as well. if he gets too wild, I will "suggest" he take some time to relax quietly by himself and when he's ready to come play nicely, he may do so. It's not a punishment anymore like it was.
I can't get into every little detail, but explore this idea for a moment: your toddler wants your attention- and is willing to get it by behaving good or bad. So don't give any attention to the bad. She throws a tantrum? walk away- go to another room and close the door where she can't see you. the tantrum will stop (eventually)if there is no one there to see it. When the tantrum does stop, and all is quiet, open the door as if it never happened and say, "hey! do you want to play a game with me?" or something that is completely off subject. You'll soon learn how to keep control of the situation. It's awesome!! It works like magic every time.
Oh and teeth brushing- such an issue at first! My toddler would not do it and hated it. We took him to the dentist who told him he had to brush every night, and for some reason that worked! Maybe hearing it from someone else?
Anyway, after that, we started a reward system. every time he brushed his teeth we gave him 3 pennys to put in his bank-and when he got to 99 pennies, he was able to pick out a toy at the 99 cents store. Toddlers LOVE getting rewards and playing games that they can win.

I started smiling to myself as I read your entry. My 2 year old son has all three issues that your daughter has! I still haven't found a solution to sitting at the table, so I still strap him in. I use one of those high chairs that grows with them. (Sven I think?)

I just got him to start spitting when he brushes his teeth. I got him a cool Halloween "Spit cup" If he does "Big Spits" in it then he gets a sticker after brushing his teeth. So far it has worked.

I don't know what is causing her dry spots on her head.....but I assumed it was from not getting the shampoo out? My son also can't stand water over his head. I let him hold a dry hand towel over his face and eyes and then I have him "Look to the sky" and pour the water over his head. He tolerates it when I do it this way.

Hope that helps a little!

Hi M.,

I might respond to some of your questions later (I have a strong-willed and adventuresome almost 3-year-old), but wanted to suggest something about the dry scalp. If you are washing her hair more than 2-3 times per week (except if it is really dirty) try to cut back. Children her age do not need baths more than a few times a week. Try a more sensitive-skin wash or shampoo, and if the dry patches are flaky, run a comb with some baby oil over them to help loosen them.

You might try encouraging her to lie down on her back in the water while you gently swish the shampoo out of her hair. My older son loves dumping water on his head, and the little guy hates it, so I just tell both of them to close their eyes tightly and I pour as much as possible all at once to rinse as quickly as possible. They just deal with it and the little guy stops crying as soon as he gets another bath toy. If her shampoo is "tearless" you can probably get away with this as a last resort. Good luck! :)

I'm a huge fan of time outs. My 5 year old gets 5 mins, my 3 year old 3 mins. We use the timer on the microwave, it beeps nice and loud when they are done. I tell them why I put them there, they apologize, we hug, and its over. This is right off of Supernanny. I'm not ashamed. lol Seriously, and it works. If the behavior continues, they go right back in. And the whole process starts over.

For teeth brushing, both my kids get to brush their teeth first. They suck the toothpaste, brush their tongues, do whatever. And then its my turn to get in there and scrub them up. Its become routine, so they dont fight me on it.

And lastly, I picked up a cheap plastic watering can at Ikea. Like you would use to water plants. Its GREAT for rinsing hair. Its a smaller stream of water out of the spout, so its not as scary for the kids, and you can control it so much better.

Hope some of that helped. :)

Not quite sure what to do with the table issue, since I haven't had this, but the toothbrush is easy:

She's too young to brush her own teeth, you need to do it for her. The way you instill the habit (as per my mother, who's a dentist), is by having "pretend brushing" every day, where she sucks it, then you gently brush her teeth for her. As she becomes able to do more, you'll slowly transfer more and more of the work to her (around 4 is when you can start, but you still need to do at least 1 brushing a day yourself until 7 or so to be sure the teeth are correctly brushed.)

As for the water, my son had the same problem. We found out that it wasn't so much the water on his head, but the water that would unavoidably end up in his eyes that he hated. We got one of those foam visors to put on his head to protect his eyes, and that helped a lot. He still didn't like getting water on his head, but beyond this we forced the issue, since for me being clean and completely rinsed off is a non-negotiable.
If this doesn't resolve the dry patches, I'd show them to the pediatrician, it may be a different scalp irritation or eczema.

I definetly think the less confrontations you have with your kids the better. Sometimes its unavoidable and in those cases you must enforce and win. But in things that are not that important, I think you can compromise and use distraction. Encourage her to sit at the table and give her whatever food will keep her there. You can even give her a toy or some drawing paper. As she gets older, she will want to join you at the table and there is not point right now to fight her on it. As for teeth brushing, yes, let her do whatever she wants first and then you get in there and finish up. I make silly sounds and my son has no problem letting me do it. And the last part, my son too hates to have water poured on his head. We are lucky, his hair is short. Just wash it once a week and don't use too much shampoo. They sell visers and also she can lay back if she allows it and that will help. My son will only stand so we try to do it fast. :)

Dear M.,
Two year olds can be a lot to handle. The important thing is to stay one step ahead of them. To answer your questions: 1. When my children refused to sit still at the dinner table, I took one of my father's elastic belts, threaded it through the rungs in the back of the chair, and seatbelted them into the chair (the buckle was in the back where they could not reach it). It was known as the "table seatbelt," and it only took one experience for them to learn to sit properly at the table. After one experience, I only had to threaten that I would get the seatbelt, and they behaved.
# 2. The trouble today is that toothpaste tastes so good that the kids want to eat it. I would try to show her that if she brushes, the toothpaste will foam up. Make a game of it. How much foam can she spit into the sink? etc.
And #3. Most kids don't like water poured over their heads. My husband installed one of those shower heads with a hose attached (European style) in the kid's bathroom, so that I could remove it and rinse them easily, especially their hair. I kept bubbles in the bathroom. When it came time to rinse their hair, I would have them blow bubbles. That way no water went up their nose or in their mouth, and they thought this was a great game.
Remember, age 2 is the first of many battles to come. Stay strong, stay focused, and always be one step ahead.
I hope this helps, W.