Two Boys - How Much Is Too Much Rough-housing

Hey, K. ~

Congratulations on having two healthy, active boys! I have two boys myself - although 4 years apart - and I know if I tried to keep them from roughhousing during the day I'd never get anything else done! My older son is like yours, very kinesthetic and affectionate, and my thought is this: as long as his little brother is okay with it, why should I stop it? Kids are going to get hurt because they're kids, and hopefully letting them do it in a safe, supervised environment will limit the physical damage when they're elsewhere. Plus, it gives them an opportunity to learn empathy for one another, and forgiveness when they are hurt. We have had to devote quite a bit of attention to my older son's physical interaction with strangers, but that is an entirely separate issue.

It sounds like you're doing a terrific job, K., letting your boys be boys while still protecting them. Keep it up!

~ R.

Dear K.,

You set limits by just setting them--deciding what you want to live with and then being consistent with it. Personally I like the idea of allowing one to cry "stop"--as that teaches him that he has some control over his play. (That's assuming the 3 year old consistently respects that limit--a mighty, tall order for most 3 year old boys I know.) I have two boys--with about the same age as your two. Maybe the bigger question ought to be how this "playfulness" will translate into future social/learning situations like pre-school and kindergarten, where caretakers may not exhibit the tolerance and could exercise discipline that may not sit well with him. One behavior modification technique is to set limited "physical contact sport" time, say 15 minutes, twice a day. Is it possible to gradually "wean" some of this away by introducing more "big boy" interests that might make learning time easier once he enters school?

Just "ditto" to Rachel.
T

I have 2 3 year olds, a 2 year old and a 10 month old...and surprisingly, my girls are rougher than my boys! :-D. I usually let the younger one set the pace. I teach my kids that they need to pay attention to what their siblings are feeling--if it is too much they need to stop. As far as limits go...they are only allowed to roughhouse in one area of our home--the living room floor--or outside. That limits where they can "attack" each other and what they can get hurt on. If they are outside of the room, they are not allowed to roughhouse--that way the younger ones can get away if they want to. I think it also helps when "Daddy" sets the pace. Often my husband will throw pillows or something like that and they will try to do it later and the rule is "only with Daddy". Then they don't try to do it when they aren't with us.

In your situation, I would suggest maybe having your husband roughhouse with the boys once a day at a "set" time (like when they wake up from their nap or before dinner). Then he could learn that it is okay when Daddy is there, but not okay when he is not there and Daddy will play "referee". Plus it is good "male-bonding" :-D or at least my husband thinks so!

Oh and I'd like to add that my kids NEVER roughhouse with anyone outside of our family. Because when they are allowed to roughhouse it is in a "controlled" environment, they know that outside of that controlled roughhouse time it is not acceptable to roughhouse so they just don't do it. I think that kids who are forbidden to roughhouse entirely are the ones that end up hurting others because no one shows them how to be gentle and considerate of others' feelings so they never learn what is "too" rough.

I have two older sons who are 16 months apart in age - they are now in their early/mid 20s - when they were little they were always rough-housing and fighting but through high school became very close and are now each other's best friend - the older one is usually jealous of the younger getting attention and the younger usually wants to do everything the older one can so setting limits is a good idea but don't get too frustrated when it doesn't work all the time - just always treat them with equal respect - never favor or believe one over the other unless experience leads you to see otherwise but at this age just love them both and teach them to love and appreciate each other - good luck.

I have 2 boys as well although my oldest is 7 and my youngest is 2 at the moment. My oldest boy is very affectionate and loves to rough house with his brother. I just tell my oldest to remember that my youngest is smaller and to be careful with him and let them rough house and be boys while I am watching. Boys will be boys and rough housing is normal. I will even get down on the floor and rough house with them both. It is fun and uses up the energy they have in them and is good exercise for me. I think they need to play in order to learn their limits and what they like and don't like. They usually complain in one way or another if they don't like something that is being done. Then you stop it for a few minutes and let them start back up a little later if they want.

Hi K., maybe i'm extreme, but i don't think they should rough house at all. my daughter is 3 years older than my son (she's 8, he's 5) and he was always getting hurt because she simply was twice his size. now she is getting in trouble at school for picking up kids or giving them rough bear hugs, just generally rough with them. so my point is, if they have all that extra energy they need to get out, walk around the block, take them to the park, let them play outside, etc. i think it's just too hard to say it's ok with daddy, or it's ok for the next half hour, or it's only ok when you are home, or whatever, but you can't do it outside the home or with anyone else. that's just my 2 cents. good luck!

Hello!

I do no thave boys, but they just had an article on this in the April Parents magazine. The expert basically said that we step in often too soon when they play like that, or something along those lines. The author was Michael Thompson and they were quoting from his book "it's a boy!"

Hope this helps!
D.

I wouldn't let them rough house since they are so young. I'm always afraid of kids getting hurt and when I go ahead and let them go at it, someone usually does! Go with your gut! :)

I usually let my two boys play whatever they want, but the rules are no hitting on the face, no throwing hard objects (pillows are ok), playing only in open areas where there are no sharp objects, and the moment someone screams, everything stops, no matter what it is. Of course accidents will happen anyway, but this way I try to diminish the risks. And of course they can't engage in rough play when one of them is frustrated. A lot of times my older son (8) is mad and wants to play with his brother (4) to wind down. But I know it's not the time. Also, if I cannot handle the noise, they have to slow down. Other than that, it's all good.
Good luck!