Tween Drama...how Do I Help My Daughter Help Herself?

I think it may make you feel better to know that ALL girls this age (and beyond) go through this to a varying extent, not just the shy ones. I have seen the most happy, outgoing girls shut down and withdraw, just because they got dissed by a friend, or two :(
What you are telling her is great, but also try not to let her dwell on it too much. Hear her when she needs it, empathize and then change the conversation to the positive. So sounds like Sally's being a pain today, who else did you talk to? Did anything fun or cool happen at school? Keep her as busy and engaged with activities and as many other friends as you can. The busier she is the less she'll focus on one or two friendships, and the happier she'll be :)

I think you and your daughter are both coping very well. It is just part of growing up and I think sometimes it is easier for our kids to "give up" on a friendship once they grow apart than it is for us parents. Let her talk to you, and listen to what she has to say. I've always told my girls that it is better to have a few good friends than to have a lot of surface level friends. Your daughter is just now figuring out that these girls might not have been as good of friends to her as she thought, and she can move on.

And I hope this doesn't get me a thumping...but this is only the beginning! My oldest is a senior this year and last year was heartbreaking for her due to a major break up with some friends. She still has a problem talking about what happened, and it felt like we lost a member of our family. So, strap yourself in for a crazy roller coaster ride called teenage girl years!

OMG...I could have written this. My kid is a little younger, but same stuff.

This is what I told her...

First, don't try to break in on them (the other two girls)...this will only make her look like a tag along and it will irritate them.
Second...take a "who needs 'em anyway" attitude. Invite different people over (mom may have to help)....when the other girls see her not really caring about them, suddenly she will be more desirable to hang around

Third...if she wants to hang around with the other girls you've mentioned, have them over one on one NOT together. Girls don't do well in 3's.
Perhaps invite one at a time to go swimming or some other activity where it makes sense to only have one over.

Broaden her social circle. Find a good church where she can join activities, etc.

Is she going to a different middle school next year? Many kids make ALL new friends at this time. so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes I think this is harder for moms than the kids. It's soooooo hard to watch some of these other girls be so exclusionary.

I used to hate situations like this at her age (later too). What I did was basically trying to focus elsewhere, to find someone else, less problematic and hard to deal with, someone easier. I would advise her to broaden her horizon, to look around for other people to hang out with. Always a good idea to be flexible, at any age. Good luck!

Oh yeah, my daughter is twelve and went through the same thing in sixth grade. I basically told her that if they are being wishy washy(one day her friend, one day not) then they are NOT her friend. I told her to stay true to her real friends who treat her the way she deserves to be treated.
Another thing that really helped us both meet new friends was me volunteering at school, dances, plays etc. Whatever I could help with being a full time parent and working full time. But just that alone has really helped widen her social circle..and mine. Good luck to you both and know that this is totally normal.

The things you've already told your daughter sound really good. I'm going to use some of those words on my own daughter, so thanks for that! I also have a 6th grade girl (although we haven't started school yet). My situation is somewhat different, but there are similarities. My daughter is one of those kids who is very outgoing, and she seems to be friends with everyone. But what I've noticed lately is that she is "surface level" friends with everyone. She has very few close friends, and isn't really part of a group. We went through some hard stuff at the end of 5th grade. There were 2 girls who both wanted to be my daughter's BFF. (One is an old friend from the neighborhood, the other is a new friend in my daughter's class) You'd think that's great, right? TWO good friends instead of one! Problem is, the 2 didn't want to be friends with each other, and they didn't want my daughter to be friends with the other one. Talk about drama! My daughter just could not wrap her head around the fact that they couldn't be a happy threesome. She'd ask me - Why can't we all be friends??? It almost came to the point where she couldn't be friends with either one of them. Things have calmed down over the summer, basically because of geography. My daughter has played with neighborhood friend constantly, and we've had the other friend over twice. I'm anxious to see the class lists next week - which one will be in her class and will the drama resume?

Anyway, I obviously don't have any advice. Just wanted to share my own story. I think you're right in saying it's all part of life. But I'll be interested in reading your responses!

I've told my eldest daughter (almost 12) that friendships change and it's natural for that to happen, especially in middle school. I've also told her that middle school years are the hardest years socially that she's likely to ever have, and if she can get through them no matter how tough they are, she'll come out ahead of her peers.

Her first year in middle school was rough. All of the children in town came together in one school for the first time, so friendships changed and activities changed. She was already overwhelmed with routine changes, the change in surroundings and size of the school, the amount of work and homework, etc. It was a major culture shock to her on every level. By the end of the year she started to get her groove and realized that the 7th and 8th graders knew her and liked her. And that many of them were kids she already knew.

A couple of the girls she had been good friends with changed over the summer and became a bit boy obsessed and their behaviors changed in a manner that wasn't appropriate... lying, cheating, being bullying to weaker girls, being less nice, being snobbish, etc. It bothered my daughter a lot. I had to give her permission not to be friends with those girls any more. She didn't want to associate with them but felt a loyalty to the friendship until I told her she didn't HAVE to be friends with them... only that she had to remain polite in order to maintain peace in class.

Ugh that age is horrible, for many girls relationships are broke and new ones made. It is so hard on them, my oldest girls very bestfriends that she had had for 5-6 years at that point looked at her one day and said "we don't want to be your friend anymore." She went to her very bestfriends house and asked her why and she didn't really have a reason.

However, i knew, my dd was the heavy one, the shy one, but a good fun friend. Like your dd she was liked by everyone, everyone knew her, but she was shy. The whole thing literally broke her heart, she cried for days and days. The problem....these were the popular girls. The 'pretty girls'. The ones other tried to be like. Don't get me wrong, the girls weren't mean girls at heart just teen girls themselves trying to figure out where they fit in.

during this time my dd went through a mean goth phase. Then one summer break she asked for the Turbo Jam video's, in that summer alone she lost 60 pounds. She worked her butt off and changed her diet. When she went back to school no one recognized her. She still was goth, but much more feminine in her choices.

Those same girls, wanted to be her friend now. Instead she picked new friends, and these are the same people who are still her friends at 20 years old.

All I could do was exactly what you are doing. It really is up to them to find their path. It's so hard to watch, but keep talking and things will get better for her.

My daughter is 12 and just started Jr. High. She is also a tomboy. She has more friends that are boys than girls, simply because she has more in common with them than she does with the girls. I think you have given her good advice and maybe she can just be open to other friendships as well. I tell my daughter that she doesn't need a ton of friends, just a couple really good friends, and she has that so far. Also, check at school to see if any social groups are available for her. Both of my kids were in one last year. It was once a week with a teacher who taught them how to interact with their peers and how to handle situations socially. Good luck!

Well I have all boys and..............ha ha Just kidding :)

I do have boys, but I remember being a tween girl. It's HARD!!!
Honestly, I would tell her that #1 she has to be her own advocate. If these girls are not being nice to her, why should put any effort forth with them? I guaruntee that at some point one of these girls will turn on the other that shes buddied up with right now, and come to your daughter wanting her to buddy up against the other. That crazy "girl pack mentality"

I would tell her she does NOT have to tolerate them mistreating her, leaving her out being rude etc. She shouldnt make a big deal about it, but jsut limit her contact. And hang out with friends who show her respect!

AAARRRGGGG!!!!!

Girls can be so frustrating. Get her involved into more outside activities. A drama class may be just what the doctor ordered along with encouraging her to make other friends.

I am an introvert, no shy but just do better with less people around than more. While it may bother her that they aren't being particularly nice to her at this time, remind her that she gets to choose the kids of friends she wants around her.

Taking acting classes could help her confidence or at least teach her how to pretend to be confident until she learns that she really is. It really helped me.

By the way your comment to those of us with boys had me both cracking up and shaking in my boots at the same time LOL. Hang in there because this could get worse before it gets better.

I have a 12 year old boy and he has no friends! He is and sweet and i know how hard it is to watch them go through it. Its been a very long summer here. Let me know what you come up with!

The best thing you can do is listen and be there for her. My daughter went through something similar but it was in the 5th grade. Now she is in the 8th grade and she has a whole set of new friends. (She is happy with them too) She still talks to the old ones but she out grow them. Which is what is happening to your daughter. I know we have that vision of having a Best Friend for life but the truth is it's rare. People are in your life for a season and then they move on. She will learn from this situation and be okay no matter how it turns out.

I know it sucks, but step back and let her handle it. You will be surprised and you might learn something. I know I did.

A new sport or a new team? Help her branch out a little, it might help. Maybe throw in a self competing sport if you can, swimming or track, something where she can work on "her".

Mine is 6, but I was the type to have one or two very close friends, but every one knew me and was a "friend".

My daughter hasn't reached this stage yet. But see what activities out side school she might like to try. I did well with Girl Scouts. It wasn't considered "cool' in Jr. high but those friends are still my friends decades later. We also had a youth program at the local library. Again maybe not the "coolest" activity but good for introverts.