Tuning Out in Preschool in NYC

Oh my.

He's not even 3 yet. He's still a toddler.

That "tuned out look" doesn't mean anything. He sounds like he's an introverted personality type (there is NOTHING wrong with that!). So it's likely that he's just having a grand ol' time in his own imagination world!

You don't have to help him, because there's nothing wrong with him. He'll catch up on his speech and be just fine.

kids who are only 2 or 3 years old don't really play together yet with other kids. They play along side them. He sounds perfectly normal to me. A 2 year old will not join in and play together with other kids all the time. Do not worry about him. He sounds just fine to me :)

Woah??! 2.8? Pragmatics, receptive language, therapists....momma, you are super informed with lots of amazing resources and that's fantastic, but believe me, these milestones are WAY OFF for boys. Many boys I know including my own advanced reading and speaking five year old and several of his cousins and my best friend's nine year old honors student barely talked by three. You need to rest easy with what the top rated doc in NY said: He's not on the spectrum. The tuning out could be relaxing or daydreaming. Not all kids are totally engaged at every moment. My son often seemed kind of zoned out but it didn't worry me even though he didn't talk because I knew he was comprehending the world around him just fine. Your son may hate big loud noisy crowds or he may have just toddled out of a birthday party room randomly. Either way, probably not an issue-lots of kids are cranky, scared and timid in crowds (my third). Keep alert, you love your boy, you've got loads and loads of support, but maybe a bit too much. You shouldn't be freaking out at this age over these signs. MANY kids parallel play at this age Most of my kids didn't really play with others consistently until after age 3. Why hasn't someone put your mind at ease about this? You have a diagnosis coming your way. Breathe, let go, and embrace the answer you are about to receive and move forward from there. He sounds normal to me. Believe that he is.

I'm not sure why you are "losing your mind."
Check out some child development books (the kind preschool teachers study in college) and you will see this is perfectly normal.
Meaning parallel play at this age is normal.
He's engaged and happy when you pick him up.
I know plenty of adults who shy away from big crowds.
WHAT is the problem?

Many kids parallel play to 3 1/2 or even a little later.
This is prime time for 'toddler rules of ownership'.
They tend to grab from each other and they just DON'T play well together.

Maybe by the end of a long day the tuning out is just being tired.
Even with a nap time (and he soundly slept for nap time every time), my son would often come home and take another short nap - school can be exhausting.
You had him checked out, they said he's fine - so now relax.

ETA - Marda asked what pragmatics means. Here's a link:
http://www.asha.org/public/speech/development/pragmatics.htm

Your child is VERY young still. With help from the speech therapist, his pragmatics should progress at an AGE APPROPRIATE rate.

A family member's son had a language issue years ago that sounds VERY much like this. (They didn't use this word back then to describe it.) He worked with an OT and it actually helped him. I suggest that you include the OT in your work with the speech therapist. Just so you know, he graduated from grad school last year and has a great career - NO issues whatsoever.

I totally believe in early invention for speech issues - my son had severe speech problems. The help you are getting him is admirable, but you MUST remember that he cannot learn it all at once. He is very young and it will take time. Get the help and don't stress over it. Don't let the preschool cause you more stress either.

Original:
Honestly, the first thing that I thought is that you are expecting too much of your child too soon. Children this age DO do a lot of parallel play - that's normal. I also think that perhaps your child's school just doesn't want to be creative enough to deal with a child who behaves a bit differently from the other kids.

I also thought that perhaps he has more of a one-on-one personality, and a bit introverted. Introverted personality types need quiet time and alone time to charge their batteries. Perhaps this is what your son does when he gets a bit overwhelmed. Believe me, that's a lot better than a child that has a melt-down when he gets overwhelmed...

If this isn't a physical ailment like petite mal epilepsy, (the tuning out), then I think the school needs to stop pestering you about it and scaring you. You have a speech therapist. That's great. SHE knows more than this school does. You might ask her if she thinks that an OT with a specialty in sensory integration could be helpful.

Remember - he's not even 3. He's allowed to be his own little person. Just because he is a little different than the other kids in his little class doesn't mean that something is wrong with him. If they won't let up, find another preschool.

Jen:

Welcome to mamapedia!

So you are looking for a label for your son? How about CHILD? How about acting his age?

You have some expectations that he should be doing more than he is! Sorry - but some people DO NOT "do" crowds - at ANY AGE! And will shy away and withdraw...but since it appears you are looking for a label - how about "introvert" - a person who does NOT like crowds and does NOT engage openly in conversation...guarded...HE IS ALMOST THREE YEARS OLD!!! LET HIM BE A CHILD!!!

Some kids DO NOT interact with others. That's a fact of life. WHY are you trying to force this on him? I don't get it.

If he is speech delayed. Fine. Get him the help. But STOP trying to make him into someone he's not.

This sounds so normal to me. Kids this age do mostly parallel play tho some play in groups. I also suggest that he's young to be expected to stay alert after a day in preschool. This may be his way of dealing with over stimulation.

It's not unusual to be shy in crowds. Why, my 2+ granddaughter is shy with me even tho she sees me several times/week and definitely hides her face when in a crowd. Birthday parties can be overly stimulating. Too much noise and movement.

I suggest that your son is fine. However, you need to call and talk with the developmental pediatrician about your concern so that you can be reassured

What is pragmatics? Why is he in speech therapy? Not talking much at this age doesn't necessarily mean he has difficulty. I've had experience with this issue with my grandson who started speech therapy around this age. He had a diagnosis of apraxia of speech. Tests showed that he was having difficulty forming sounds. Otherwise, without the tests, he would've been considered OK.

I, too, suggest that you're over reacting. Please find a way to calm down. Your anxiety will make it more difficult for your son to learn and interact with others. He will take his cue that something is wrong, whether or not something is, because of your reaction.

Later: I just noticed Kim B.'s post. This is the exact same post she's made to numerous questions, starting in 2008. Word for word. This post isn't related to the question, even. She's not asked any questions. It's very very strange. I reported it. I love a mystery and wish we'd know why she's doing this.

He is listed on the Internet. He's an atolaryngologist in New York.

For starters, he is 2.8. He shouldn't be in school. He should be playing with trucks or blocks, or other toys.

Everything you mentions is age appropriate. Your library should have all of the books by Dr. Ames. I suggest picking up the book on 2 and 3 year olds.

Sorry you are so stressed! It is hard to way for answers and just not know. This by far, is the most difficult thing I have found in regard to being a parent. I have a 2.5 year old and honestly I feel like her personality changes constantly. She can be super happy, super bossy, super grumpy and I just never know what I will get. My son, who is now 7, was so even and I always knew what to expect from him. From day one he wanted to play with anyone he could...he was unusual in that he actually didn't parallel play, he always wanted to play with someone. My daughter on the other hand will play by herself, sometimes other children. My point is, is that these two children from the same family are SO different. It amazes me daily. It sounds more to me like your son can be dealing with a little anxiety? You say he comes put of the tend out look eventually and that may be when he is starting to get more comfortable again, when he is with you and at home. My son went to daycare and my daughter stays with my parents during the day. I can tell you that my daughter would not do nearly as well as my son in school at this age. She is a little anxious. Something can turn her off very easily, and she will not go back to that place. I used to spend a good amount of time at my son's daycare during drop off and pick up and it always amazed me at how different each child was. Now that I see many of them still seven years later, they are all doing pretty well! The child that cried everyday for a year and half is probably one of the most adjusted ones. It's hard to tell at this age. It sounds to me like a little anxiety and i honestly think he sounds fine and will adjust with time. I think you are doing the right thing! Any thoughts of changing schools maybe?

I would discuss with the teacher and with the pediatrician whether or not this is within norms or not. My DD can play by herself quite well, which is something her teachers think is a good thing. Is this "checked out" or just him being independent and introverted? Not everyone is the life of the party or a social butterfly.

Did you describe the "tuning out" to this doctor, in detail, with examples? If so, it sounds as if she said he's OK anyway.

It is normal for kids his age to prefer parallel play for a while longer. That normal stage, combined possibly with his personality if he just doesn't like crowds, may make him more self-contained that you expect a child his age to be. I'd really get some good books about children's developmental stages and look at the wide range of what is normal for a child his age; you may have some expectations for him that are not really realistic. If you feel he "should" be playing with other kids a lot, or he "should" be doing this or that -- the issue may be your expectations more than his behaviors.

Wait for the formal diagnosis. But if you get the answer that he's fine and not on some spectrum, please don't stress yourself and him out by then taking him to more and more doctors to see if someone can give you a diagnosis...just because you feel he has something diagnosable. He may not.

I'm not exactly sure what parallel play is. I assume it means he isn't interacting with the other kids. I remember watching our school kids on the playground and talking to other moms about this. Alot of our kids (not all) just kind of played by themselves until K or 1st grade. I was afraid I had an anti-social kid but many acted the same way. He is still very young. As far as not wanting to be in a crowd, maybe he is just an introvert. My little guy needed to regroup and get away from crowds once in a while, too. Could the tuning out thing just be that he was over stimulated and tired? Only you have seen him but to me nothing you have said has sent any red flags whatsoever.

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD - he too tunes out. Our doc thinks that when he gets overstimulated and is in fight or flight mode he escapes into himself. You should keep a diary of it along with the other issues you go thru to see if there is a trigger and a way to help fade her out faster. I can now tell when my son is on the brink and remove him from the situation before he "goes there" but it took time, and monitoring to figure it out.

Jen, I want to tell you not to stress out over this.

This is the part of teaching preschool and having a kid that I hated: those darn developmental milestone markers. People seem to feel they are holy writ; they aren't. They are a loose generalization of averages that get clumped into months which may or may not correspond to any individual kid.

Speaking as the mother of a kid who did everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) at least a month or more later than that damn chart, I made a choice not to let the chart affect how I perceived my son. I think you will need to do this too.

(Um. just because I'm wondering,what is a 2.8 year old break down to in actual months, b/c most people break it down as either months or year/month, but not decimals...)

From my perspective, it sounds like your son is pretty much on target for his age. I agree with educating yourself on the overall development of the young child. Parallel play and playing alone with what interests them is common. "Checking out" could mean anything: sensory overload; thinking about what's going on/being said--which is a lot of work for some kids--or their mind is on something else. Don't we all have the right to have our own thoughts? We all know adults who 'check out' at times, right?

If it's any consolation, my son did this some times at preschool--- wasn't really interested in playing with other kids, even at nearly four, didn't participate much in group activities.... so the preschool teachers helped him and taught him how to go about being in the group. His first year of preschool he spent most of his time observing or involved in his own pursuits; the second year, he was doing what the other kids did (singing/music and movement) at circle times, playing with friends, contributing to conversations... it just took him more time than it took some kids.

Each child has areas of growth and those areas where they need to develop and they can't progress in ALL areas at once. Don't compare your son to other kids (first rule of parenting) and just try to relax and see *who* he is, what he is good at all on his own. Focus on that. Play with him when you have time, and don't let your worry for him supersede your enjoyment of him. Kids pick up on our worries and fears, so go forward carefully and do not talk about this in front of him if at all possible. Good luck.

Ditto everything Doris Day said.

What does the school say about his parallel play?? If they are a good school they will tell you that is so normal. and walking away from crowds etc is my son. even now. there is nothing wrong with my son, he is an introvert. He had speech therapy from age 2 to age 3 and now talks a LOT at home or with close friends/family but still quiet with strangers and in groups.

Don't panic but call a neurologist. It could be silent seizures, I have seen them many times and are much like you describe. An electroencephalogram can rule them out. They are not dangerous to his health, but can cause children to lose a lot of instruction time because it is like you say, they tune out and have no idea what is going on once the seizure is done. Have the teachers keep a record of when he does this
and how long the episodes last, you can do the same at home which will be very helpful in diagnosing.