Trust - Mount Pleasant,PA

I think you either forgive and move on (which could take extra time depending on the betrayal) or you go separate ways. Trusting again will just take time, how much time just depends. I'm sorry.

Counseling. Communication. Time.

This is difficult to answer without knowing more. First, do you in general trust people and you're referring to a specific incident with one person or a pattern of incidents with one person? Is the incident related to past simalar incidents with others.How serious was the betrayal? How Iimportant is/are the person (s) to you? ETC Did you trust before this?

Rebuilding trust takes time during which you can see/feel that the other person (s) is trustworthy. It requires that you give the other person a chance to rebuild trust. The process can be short/simple or not, depending on whether or not you're willing to learn from experience and move on. It is a process that takes time. I suggest this starts with considering what one wants as the end result and whether or not the other person is capable of being that person.

I suggest that trust issues are complicated and best resolved with counseling. What are your boundaries? At what place is violation of them unacceptable? The proverbial line in the sand. Is this betrayal similar to other betrayals? A betrayal can mean one has a deeper issue such as insecurity to address before they can trust again.

Also, to consider, is how capable of being trustworthy is the other person? Has this incident happened before, they said sorry and it's happened again? Is their attitude/behaviour ongoing or based on childhood experiences?

I suggest that when every little thing bothers us we are avoiding the big picture; that lack of trust is just one part of it. I suggest that counseling would help you have a better understanding of all that is going on and what to do about it.

Sometimes lack of trust is a good thing. It helps us protect ourselves. A simple example from a previous post of yours. I would not trust your SIL to respect my boundaries. I would be direct in a respectful way to tell her what I wanted. My children can't have cake this late. Next time she leaves or when planning to come over tell her specifically what hours you're available. You have learned you cannot trust her.

By focusing on and taking control of specific situations you avoid the everything bothers me.

It doesn't happen all at once. As time goes by you find the betrayal just comes up in your mind less and less and you find more and more of the relationship that was there before. It has been many years since my husbands betrayal and sometimes I still think about it and hurt, but most days are good now, but it took time, and I mean a couple of years, to really get comfortable saying I trusted him. Its okay for you to take as much time as you need to heal.

I believe trust is a dangerous word. What we generally end up doing is trusting that they will be who we want them to be instead of acknowledging that they are who they are. The danger is that trust can cause a blindness to 'what is' because it focuses on our want rather than reality.

Instead of trust, I believe in observing, staying curious, listening to your intuition, communicating openly, clearly, and directly, having boundaries, and extreme self-care.

Also, allowing yourself to fully feel all of the feelings that have been created out of the experience is vital. Too often we try and move on too quickly and do not honor the depth of our pain. When we seek to "forgive" too quickly, we end up stuffing our feelings and then they will eventually come out sideways or create illness in our bodies. We must give ourselves permission to feel the feelings all the way to the bottom, be extremely compassionate with ourselves, and shower ourselves with lots of tender, loving care.

And as Marda P and Suzi F stated counseling is a must. I had to heal my own childhood stuff that allowed me to attract betrayal and discover how I was constantly betraying myself by tolerating unacceptable behaviors. I had to learn about boundaries and how extremely important they are. I had to learn to listen to my intuition and to ask questions and set limits accordingly. I had to release the "nice girl syndrome" and become a "strong woman." I needed lots of support to do all of this because I had really learned well how to be a doormat, how to deny what was right in front of me, and how to pretend that everything was okay. I had some really great therapists and participated in some amazing groups that provided me with all the important information and care that I needed to heal myself.

Depends on the infraction and how hard the person has worked to regain your trust. It's not up to you to "just trust" after x amount of time. The offender has to work very hard to show nothing matters more than showing you they would never ever hurt you again.

My ex was a huge cheater. He also lied about virtually everything as a first response. He did nothing to change his ways other than lie and say he had changed his ways. He took none of the BASIC steps that ANY therapist will dole out: 1) COMPLETE transparency for as long as you need it. Access to EVERY password and voluntarily telling you EVERY move he makes WITHOUT you having to ask. No, it's no fun to be a spy. You should not have to be in that position. He should not have to live that way, but he did this, so that's what needs to happen until you guys are out of the woods. You don't HAVE to check his accounts, but you should be able to if his primary focus is showing you he has NOTHING sinister going on. 2) He has to change the environment that enabled the behavior no matter how inconvenient. Affair at work and he drinks to much? Quit the job and quit drinking. Or whatever. If it's "too hard" then he's not really serious. There's more but you get the drift. If this was not cheating, then whatever it was, how hard are they working to show you they've changed? How sincere was their remorse?

You know if the person is doing the HARD work or not. If not, do not trust.

BIG RED FLAG: They aren't doing the work but they ARE trying to make you feel bad by complaining that you "still don't trust them". My ex would say things like "Why should I even try if you don't believe me anyway" when I caught him with a secret email account. I later found out he was seeing 4 women at time. If he's trying to turn things on you: He's not trying to put your feelings first. Any therapist will tell the offender it may be YEARS before you trust them again, and they should not hold that against you. Though of course rubbing their face in it all the time is not a good idea, but you won't feel the NEED, if they are WORKING hard at being good...

I will never ever ever trust my ex again. Even for basic information about stuff. Do I forgive him? Have I let it go? Yes, we are friends who get along. But I don't trust him. Never will.

That said, I did forgive him and trust him after the first time I caught him. It could have been saved had he kept on the straight and narrow. Surprisingly I never thought I could get over something like that but I could have...But he hadn't changed, and all the signs of him "not trying" were there. Heed the signs!!! If he's doing right and proving it, over time you will be able to move on.

This answer isn't cut and dry.

What trust was broken? Financial Fidelity/trust? If it's that? Then full disclosure - doing the bank statements each month together and accounting for each dime spent. Yeah, it's like being a parent again, but you need to know what's going on. IF Financial trust was broken - you need to know WHY he/she felt they couldn't trust YOU to tell you when they felt under stress and did whatever it is they did.

Fidelity/Loyalty - Time. Putting all your energy into getting your marriage back on track. That means counseling so you can learn to communicate with each other. Obviously, with this it's hard. Getting STD tests done to ensure he/she didn't bring any disease home. Find out WHY he/she felt you couldn't provide what they felt they needed. When my ex-husband cheated on me? It wasn't because he wasn't fulfilled at home, it was because he felt entitled to more than ONE partner, he wasn't ready for a committed relationship/marriage. He wanted his cake and eat it too. We got back on track after about 6 to 9 months of counseling. However, every time he left for extended TDY's (he was AD USAF), I couldn't trust what he was doing....and who he was doing it with.

You need to figure out HOW to communicate with each other.
You NEED to hear WHY or HOW it happened. You don't need the details, you just need to know what he/she felt he/she was NOT getting at home that caused the straying. The grass is NOT greener. It's a common myth...you need to water what you have and it will be just as green...but I assure you that the greener grass he/she sees from the fence? It's NOT all green...it has brown spots too...

I wish I could tell you it happens fast. It doesn't. But you HAVE to want it to work. If you already have a foot out the door? It will take longer, and it might NEVER happen.

You DO have to WANT it to work.

Good luck!

Time

Okay after reading a few responses I completely disagree with the "complete transparency" approach and here is why. First of all you don't trust them, if you don't trust someone you are still going to see them as hiding something from you. The second part is say this dishonest person suddenly becomes honest you are now depending on their honesty and not your instincts.

Which brings me back to my original response, it takes time. You have to strengthen your trust in your own instincts. You have to know you are seeing the truth and not what someone is claiming is the truth. At that point you will trust them again because you trust your own judgment.

I think if your talking about trust/betrayal in a marriage...like Amy J said: complete transparency for as long as injured party wants/needs A ND offender never gets to complain about it and needs to realize this is the bed they've made for themselves.
Good luck!

If you talk to the person and tell them about it that should tell you how to proceed. You need to tell them what they did and why it bothered you, this is very important. How do they react? Are they genuinely sorry? Do they want to hear about your feelings or do they dismiss you? Do they want to work on a way for it not to happen again and take responsibility for their actions or tell you that you are oversensitive?
If they care and want to do better, try to let it go externally and move on with caution. Its understandable to stay a little guarded and over time that will fade if things go well. If they are defensive and trite, you can't trust them because they don't get it in the first place and will likely do it again.
Good luck

Counceling will help because he should be an open book with you and you have the right tonask him questions and as many questions as you like. If you make it to easy and "forgive and forget", he will do it again. One question I would ask is "are you sorry you did what you did or are you sorry that you got caught? Most times, it's that they got caught, but they will not tell you the truth.

I have always said if you break my trust once, it is over because I will not be around for round two.