Trouble with the Inlaws

I can't say exactly how to fix the problem because I have almost the same one. I can't stand my in-laws one bit, I would actually go as far as to say that I hate them sometimes. They don't say anything to me directly, instead it is said to my husband and they do things that they shouldn't. For example one of his aunts showed up uninvited to a bnirthday party after already talking to me about why she wasn't invited. I have 12 siblings and both of my parents are remarried, so just having the immediate family is close to 30 people. I'm sure you would aggree that that can be a lot of people, so we had to sacrafice certain invitations. She decided to show up anyway. My only way of getting through any of the visits with them is to severely limit my involvement. I don't stop my kids, or husband, from being a part of that side of the family, they should be. However, I don't take part in very many things at all. My husband tells them that I'm working or busy with something else. I usually only show up for short visits on the holidays, it keeps them and my husband happy because I don't ignore them and it keeps me sane.

I have had problems with my in-laws from the start......there really is nothing that you can do to change them. They are being the way they are for whatever reasons. The only advice I can give you is to stand your ground, and if they don't like something or how you do it........then there is the door. This is your family now, if they can't respect your hubby enough to show you repect then they are truly Toxic....and there is not enough time in the world to deal with toxic people.....K.

Hey girlie I have been down that route. It is very hard to just ignore it and I did not think my husbands' mom was the same way. But She insists that my daughter was on a schedule when her son is not on one. She keeps telling her mom that my daughter plays me but I have been keeping my cool and keep telling myself. We will be on our own soon. My hubby tries to ignore it to but he says you have to just tell her ok. Lately I just say ok and keeppraying for her to be more positive than negative. I don't think you should have each of the girls open one by one I believe children get bored to fast. And with family around children will get stressed.Well I hope this somewhat helps and if you ever need a friend give me a hollar at ____@____.com / Have a nice day.

I hear what you saying about your inlaws kinda going though some problems with my own.. But the fact is no matter what ya do things between you and them, there will most likly to never get along but stay true to who you are and repect them but you dont have to care so much about what they think .. You know who you are and that is what matters .. In fact act nicer to them it only frusates them selves and it shows you that even tho they can be a pain the but you can handle you self in a matter you can be poud of your self ..~K.

I wish i could say it gets better.... but... I have similar issues. his family frowns down on me and my family because we don't come from a lot of money. We don't require lots of things to make us happy etc. I've been married for 7 1/2 yrs and been with hubby 10 yrs. I still have issues.

Does your hubby care what they think? Does your hubby love you, stand by you. Do you have to be around them all that much?

My mil was so upset she couldn't control our wedding, i didn't need her to stay with me when i had my kids, oh and it goes on and on. They are nice on the surface, but down deep they can say words to stab you in the heart. Oh she loves to call me fat. When i met hubby i was 100 lbs but a thyroid and depression meds added on teh lbs. So i'm not the perfect women for her son though i never really was.

If you and hubby have a strong relationship, talk all the time, love each other. Thats what it takes. in-laws just don't know how to keep their mouths shut and have boundaries. If you ever want to talk you can email me.

oh and i never have thrown a birthday party that pleased his mom. But you know what it pleases my girls so thats what matters.

big hugs

micki

Don't ignore it, I did that for years and when I snapped I really snapped, but then I am 100% italian as well. My mother-in-law did not approve of my husband and I getting married, once we did she did not like the fact that I love to cook, sew, knit, etc; she said I was always trying to show her up, which was bull. Being italian, the holidays are a time that we really cook, especially Christmas and trust me I do it all. I was 12 years younger than my husband and like you, I was told I would never have kids when we decided to get married. I got pregnant and lost the baby and we got married 2 weeks later. F.Y.I. we have been married going on 25 years this Valentine's Day, none of his nor my siblings have had a marriage last that long. My husband ended up laying the law down with his family, but that wasn't until his mother pulled my daughter aside one day while he and the kids were there visiting and she told her it they would see more of the kids except for the fact that I held them away. This was far from the truth, but because of her mouth my husband stood up to his family and they never got to see our 2 little boys. My father-in-law passed away 5 years ago and from what we hear, my mother-in-law is quite out of it mentally.
I guess what I am really trying to say is stand up for yourself and have your husband do the same. Don't let it get any farther than it has. Once this is done it is up to his family to either apologize or stay away, but either way it is their choice and not yours or your husbands. Your girls need to be around love not hostility. Let me know if I can be of any other help or you need a sounding board.
Hugs,
T.

The problems your inlaws have isn't really with you. It's with themselves. You have a close, loving family that enjoys your children and the efforts you put out, but his family obviously never did things the same way. That probably makes them feel uncomfortable, so accusing you of feeling superior is just projecting how they feel instead. The only thing you can really do is keep ignoring them, or simply don't include them in special family events.

Wow -I have to say I have in laws of the same level. My mother in law didn't have much interaction with my husband and I before we got married. I tried to get her invloved in the wedding she had excuses. She responded yes to my bridal shower. then the day of it she called my mom and said she was sick and couldn't go. I felt bad for her and brought her a dish after the shower and to tell her all about it. As it turned out she painted her living room and bedroom that day. She of course was shocked to see me that day. It was then i knew I would never be good enough for her son. Then we finally got pregnant after being told we couldn't. My son is 19 months old and always very sick - She expects us to cater to her. When we don't go out - she gets mad. She is fine and is able to come to our house but feels we should take the baby to her. The issues got so bad my husband and I ended up going to see a marriage counselor. Now, his mother is barely around and my husband finally speaks up to her. Maybe you should talk to your husband and let hm know enough is enough. It does get straining on a mom.. Good luck and hang in there.

This is a case where your HUSBAND needs to stand up to his family and tell them thet HE loves you and that they need to stop making snide remarks about the mother of his children. He needs to tell them he doesn't want his kids growing up around people who make their mother feel badly and if they don't stop, he will stop bringing you and the kids around them. The only person his family members will respond to is him; he needs to be on your side. You are his family now and they need to respect that.

And next time they make comments about your side of the family "spoiling them" just smile and say "I know! They can't help it! I feel pretty lucky that the kids have so many people who care so much about them!"

Hi E., I find that keeping a distance from certain relatives works well for me. It is hard to please everyone and the fact that you 'stole' him away from them, makes them upset. They probably figured that they would always be the ones to make him(your husband) completely happy until you came along. Just remember to always be respectful and decline from invitations when you feel they will be too traumatic. I keep in touch with my inlaws but when I feel it is time for distance I just keep it that way. Having a one on one with an understanding person always helps. Your feelings are not being respected and that is not fair to you. I come from a big family and I seem to be the one always doing for everyone else, and I do have some siblings that tend to get jealous because I am known throughout the family for keeping peace and doing for others.You can't change who you are but you can change certain situations by avoiding them. Good Luck!! N.

Toxic In'Laws is a really good book to read - (Trust me)..
I have a Mother-in-law who tries to control everything even her son and she does him but i put her in her place 5 times since we've been married for almost 9 years which telling her off is not my job but hubby (don't have the well you know) so i have too.
I too stress but if i don't want to see her and her black cloud i will say to hubby when she calls no she can't come over then she tries well how about another day and he says no as i am glareing at him from across the room.

I don't like to hang around people who are negative everytime you see them.. Life is to darn short to put up with the bull.

You need to tell them how you feel and trust me you will feel better not holding it all in .. Check the book i mentioned above it really helps..

Good luck!

Hugs
S.

This truly isn't your battle to fight. It's your husbands. They are his family after all. Get him involved. Tell him that they are making you uncomfortable and that he needs to do something about it. That they don't have the right to say anything and if they do it will no longer be accepted. If he refuses to get in the middle then let him know that you will no longer be able to hold your tongue and the remarks you make won't be pretty. So either he handles this or the holiday's won't be a whole lot of fun.