Trouble with Sister in Law

You've gotten some great advice here. I can only imagine the frustration you feel. I would be beyond annoyed and am certain I could not have refrained from telling her off at this point. Kudos to you for maintaining the family peace.

Personally, I think I'd give Diane D's method a try. I would be making up all kinds of crazy bs things so she would run herself ragged trying to keep up....then I would just sit back and enjoy the show :D

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

I was going in the direction of "this is not a big deal" until the end when you said she was going to go 30 miles from home just to have her child in the same school as yours. What was some pretty garden-variety jealousy and copycatting on her part has turned weird, to me. But you can do nothing about it.

Repeat that about a million times: "I can do nothing about it. And right now, this second in time, this day, no one on the planet is worrying about this but ME. And I choose not to burn up my precious mental energy on this person."

Then you have to make that reality. Stop eating yourself up over her. It is entirely possible that she copies you because she admires you, craves your life in every way, and thinks it is the highest form of flattery to imitate someone else (some would say it is indeed flattery). So: Tell yourself -- and you won't believe it at first but keep saying it -- to put the best spin on this you can. She is living her life and you are living yours; you are at similar ages and stages in your lives so of course you both have kids, houses, cars, school choices at the same time. Hers happen to coincide with yours in ways that make you uncomfortable but you CAN choose to stop keeping tabs of each thing she does that mimics you. You can choose to have less contact with her and her family. You can choose to be too busy to have your kids and hers get together more than you want, if she pushes for play dates etc. You. Can. Choose.

As your kids get older this can get worse or it can get better. Help the situation to get better. Your son and hers are totally different personalities, you say; so rest assured that as they get older, they are going to be into different activities. Will she really shove her academic kid into some activity that your more outgoing son prefers, or vice versa? The boys are also far enough apart in age that they should not be in the same grade at school and eventually, as activities are based more on age and grade, they likely will not be in the same activities.

If she tries to keep scheduling everything together (like the swimming lessons), you have to get strong enough to say out loud and at the very start: "SIL, I know you think it would be great for X to join Y's Cub Scout troop but I think it would be best if they each were in different troops." You don't owe an explanation. Do the same with other activities. If you must tell her something, tell her that since they are cousins and close in age, you want them to develop their own space and activities. The one-year difference in school years will begin to help you with this as they get older, too -- your older child will want to hang with his friends, not with his cousin who's in the next grade down. Go with that. And you CAN tell school administrators or teachers that you do not want the boys in programs together; you can tell scout leaders or others that you prefer the cousins not be in the same troop, group, etc.

Be too busy. If she is in your face with play dates for the cousins, or (heaven forbid) starts wanting all of you to vacation together as one big happy family, be too busy and learn to say no. Sign your kid up for classes and don't tell her -- why does she need to know your son is doing swimming on day X at time Y? She doesn't need to know that you signed your son up for an art camp in the summer for a week at the rec center, or for a soccer clinic with his buddy from preschool. Keep those things to yourself. If she asks, tell her -- several weeks into the camp or clinic. If she's nosy about all his activities, a polite but cool "We're looking at a lot of possibilities with some of his friends from school" is fine.

You do not ever once mention your husband's attitude toward his sister and her actions over the years. It is very telling that the entire post does not say if he also has your resentments toward her or if he even feels that she's intrusive or copying. I would bet maybe he doesn't; he's used to his sister doing what she wants and he doesn't see her actions as the threat you seem to perceive. He might get more upset about it if he realized that she is going to compare your kids for life, but he also might know from experience to just let it roll off his back. Can you do the same?

Don't do anything. You can't control what your SIL does. It isn't your fault that she's so insecure that she feels the need to "one up" you and your family at every turn. Don't waste your energy on her drama.

Focus on your kids. If she starts to compare them, steer the conversation in a different direction. If she starts to brag about her son, just say "that's wonderful!" and leave it at that. Don't feed her need to compare the kids.

If she wants to drive 120 miles per day to take her kid to a certain school, then that's her prerogative. The normal, sane person may think it's ridiculous, but it's not like YOU have to drive the kid!

I understand the need to protect your son from any negativity, but we can't shield them forever. There will always be people judging, comparing and even putting them down :( All we can do is make our kids feel so good and secure in themselves and who they are that no amount of outside negativity is going to do any serious damage. Teach your son that everyone has something special about them.

I read a quote once that said "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its whole life thinking its stupid."

Don't talk to her about it. She is extremely insecure AND she holds grudges. THAT'S why the family caters to her. It's a shame too. Her insecurity has her copying you.

If it were me, I would ignore, ignore, ignore. If she wants to drive 30 miles, it's all on her. NEVER help her out with the driving. Maybe she'll get tired of copying you and move her daughter to another school.

She's never going to change. Unless you plan to move out of the area so that you aren't close enough to visit, you're kind of stuck with her.

As far as the milestones (marriage, house, kids) I have two SILs who did all these things right along with me as well. There wasn't any maliciousness involved, we were all just living our lives and doing the same things at the same time. Personally I loved that all our kids were so close in age, my kids got six cousins this way, all of whom they are still very close to.
I don't know about the other stuff, or why it bothers you so much, but I imagine as you get older and more confident in your parenting choices you will find these feelings go away. So what if she's a braggart and wants to drive 30 miles out of her way to bring her son to your school? That's her issue. Though have you ever thought that maybe SHE's insecure and goes out of her way to be in a school and other activities with family, because she's afraid of doing anything on her own?
Try to let it go, she is who she is and you can't really do anything about it anyway.

As I read your post, I kept thinking "This must be exhausting, all this keeping track and comparing..." and then "How sad. Really, for everyone"....

Making up bs items to give her the runaround is great in theory, but you aren't twelve, right? So you aren't going to stoop to that level.

Both Leigh and Diane B gave you excellent, non-reactionary answers. Do what you CAN reasonably do, shut down any inappropriate conversations. (I had a rule at my preschool that parents were not to talk about any of their child's challenges IN FRONT of the child and instead we'd schedule a phone call-- for exactly the reasons Diane B describes.)

Ultimately, this really is about her insecurities. I would encourage you NOT to 'go there' mentally about kindergarten until you hear that she's absolutely 100% got the green light about her son attending. As Diane B had suggested, if you look up kindergarten-prep criteria, teachers actually have a much larger social expectation/requirement of a child entering K than they do academic. Teachers can teach the academics actually pretty easily in comparison to teaching the child how to participate, move through the day with the teacher, how to interact pleasantly with other kids and ask for what they need. Even then, you can still talk to the admin about class placement as suggested.

Try, try to let this go. Try to see your SIL through a prism of compassion and pity. I would either say that some of these occurrences are coincidental or maybe they are precipitated by your actions, but you are not obligated to hold onto this, right? What does your husband say about this? Is he willing to move because of this, because really, your only two options are learn to deal with this gracefully and with pity for her or leaving the area. I, myself, find I am a lot happier just keeping track of my own self than worrying about what troublesome people might be doing, and if problems arise, I deal with them when they happen, not before.

Try to take a deep breath, remember that the universe has its own way of shaking things out, and let it go.

Take it as compliment...she copies you because she knows you are a smart, caring person/parent and figures if you are doing it...so should she. :-)
You don't have to tell her what/when you are doing something, just do it. Don't worry if she copies you..."Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"

As far as the kids, who cares if she thinks her kid is better, in her eyes he is. Just like in your eyes your kids are pretty awesome. Ignore her and stop giving her so much of your time and energy.

K. -
My middle son is 9 months younger than my niece. My youngest daughter is 9 months younger than my other niece.
I suppose that if my SIL wanted to she could think that I was "copying" her by having my kids when I did.
The reality is that we had been talking about BOTH pregnancies for almost a year before we decided to have them. It had nothing to do with my brother and his wife. NOTHING.
A lot of times siblings find themselves having kids, buying houses, buying cars, around the same time. You are probably close in age and find that you are in the same life situations.
If your kids are close to the same age then they both would be going to preschool at the same time AND swimming lessons and any other sporting event or thing that 4/5 year olds do.
You are looking WAY to much into this mama. She is parenting a child close to your child's age. You will be doing a lot of the same things!
Now, about her trying to test her kid in early to school. I tried to test my kid in to kindergarten early as well. He turned 5 on September 1st (cut off is August 31) and he didn't make it. I may be biased, lol, but my kid is BRIGHT! He speaks two languages, he could count to 100 in BOTH languages, he knew his ABC's in both languages, he could read.....I thought he was a shoe in. NOPE. They didn't ask him any of that. They wanted him to "describe a shoe" "describe what letters are". It was ridiculous. In hindsite, it's been great that he waited a year. My point, since we are in WA as well, is that I highly highly highly doubt that the school district is going to let a 4 year old start kindergarten.
The only thing that would bother me about what you wrote is the constant comparisons. I think I would finally say something like, "George is a really bright kid and you hit the jackpot with him. I think Daniel is amazing too! So lets just stop comparing them." And then any time she asks, don't answer. Switch the conversation.
But mama....really? I think you are reading WAY to much into what is going on with your brother and his wife.
L.

I don't think it matters if she tries to outdo you with cars or houses or schools or whatever. Who cares what she does.

Is it possible she just wants to be good friends and have her child(ren) share experiences with their cousins?

But I think you need to let that go. It doesn't matter in the slightest. If she constantly compares the kids, that's extremely annoying, but if you know that saying something will cause friction then maybe it's just best to try to ignore the comparisons, and respond to them with "Oh yeah?" or "Umm hmmm," and let it go.

She's got problems, you don't need to get sucked into them. Just be the better person.

I think that you should just politely tell her, next time she starts the "mine is better than yours" BS that all kids are different, and all kids have different strengths and talents, and that comparing them does a disservice to both kids. Say it with a smile. Then ask her a question to change the subject. If she keeps it up, after the polite notice to knock it off, walk away and find something else to (if you're on the phone, end the conversation).

Your SIL is pathetic and insecure. You should be feeling sorry for her. When she starts to brag, simply put on a half smile and say "hmm...that's nice." in a very neutral way. Then walk away or change the subject. If you have confidence in YOUR parenting abilities and how YOUR children are developing, then what she says or does just doesn't matter. Instead of letting your reaction be one of annoyance, it really should be one of pity. Because she's pathetic and insecure.

Just because she had the time to teach her child to count to 300 doesn't mean he's "smarter". You'll see...in time, your child's ability to take things apart and put them back together will help with problem solving and thinking outside the box. HER child will simply be good at memorizing and spewing back answers.

In the meantime, since she's not going to change, all you CAN do is adjust YOUR thinking. Have some compassion for your poor insecure SIL who can't make a move without copying YOU (obviously, you're doing something right for her to need to follow your every move).

I think maybe you need to give your sister-in-law more credit. Isn't it just possible that all of those things in your lives coincided because a sister and a brother were in the same place in their lives? I don't see that as a competition. Nearly every single one of my friends got married in the same year that I did. We all got pregnant in the same few years. So did one of my sisters-in-law. I could have viewed all of that as "competition" or copy catting, but seriously? My SIL was just at that point in her life. It's been wonderful having children the same age both with her and my good friends. The friends and family that are in different stages in life, where they're all ahead of us or really, really behind us, are harder to keep track of and get together with.

And when you have children close in age, it's natural to compare a bit. Not in a "mine is better than yours" way but as a way to start conversations. Maybe that's all she's trying to do in an effort to make conversation and have a relationship with you. She wants the cousins, your children, to be close and be friends. Maybe she doesn't understand your responses... and honestly, I wouldn't either. It seems kind of cold.

This is her problem. I would not tell her anything!!!!!after the fact, maybe but not before. Imitation is the biggest form of flattery. Obviously, everything has always been about her. She is not going to change at this point.

Driving 30 miles each way everyday will get old real fast. Not to mention cost of gas! Very rarely will a school,start a child early. Kid may be ready academically but if he is not ready socially, he will not survive. I doubt they will admit him to K.

You can't change her, change you. Stop telling her what your plans are. I do like the poster that would have her doing crazy things just because you "thought' about doing them. My most craziest would be that you were going on a cruise (get the brochures and things) and then go camping or something else. She surely would be on board all by herself.
Sorry my evil twin came out.

Oh well, just move on with your life. Find a few good neighbors or friends or moms of your son's friends to hang out with more. Exclude her from the mix. It kind of sounds like she doesn't have many friends of her own for the reasons you have expressed -- everything has to be a competition and that does get old quickly.

Find your own way and stay there. Distance yourself from her as much as you possibly can. Mum is the word from now on.

If she finds out what you are doing, you will know that your husband spilled the beans and you can have a talk with him about this.

Good luck with all the family drama of SIL.

the other S.

"She's the type of person who takes everything personally and holds grudges."
Pot, meet kettle, you're both black.

You just recited everything you have held on to since your engagement.
Except you thing your life sucks by comparison. She probably thinks the same thing. You both have pretty low self esteem, if you keep comparing your lives to each other.

If you decide that you are going to ignore her times when she seams to copy you, then you will be better off. I understand you think you have tried to do that but obviously, not successfully.

The school thing is taking it one step further to obsession. She obviously thinks you are one smart cookie, if she is willing to make some crazy decisions like this one. I agree that you need to make sure they are never in the same class. Most likely, the drive will be too tough to make this decision perminate.

And yes, stop sharing your personal business. Be vague. Be undecissive.
Lots of "maybe". Still try to be kind. Forgiving. And yes, find the humor in this!

I would not share information with her that she could copy.. until the last moment or the moment was over.

She must be pretty pitiful to not be able to think on her own..

I know it is very hard to ignore, but just try.. It has been all of these years.. She may never stop, but do not let it hinder you..

Of course, I have been known to throw a ringer at people like this, by making up things.. Just to see if they would copy..

I think you got some great advice below and I can't top any of it. Just wanted to say that yeah, the school thing puts this into the realm of stalkerish and weird. What does your husband think? How does he handle her? It's not the end of the world to greatly reduce contact with a sibling. My husband and his brother had a falling out a few years ago so we only see him and his wife maybe 3 times a year at "command performance" family events. Their family was all in a tizzy for the first year ("what do you mean, you're not coming to...!?! Everyone will be there!!") and then they got over it. It's the way it is and it works out just fine for us. The sun still rises every morning, kwim?

Apparently you are doing so well that SIL feels compelled to imitate your every move.
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but it's her trying to one up you all the time that gets on your nerves.
Especially with your kids getting to school age, just be too busy to be in contact with her a lot and don't share the details of everything that's going on.
When you do talk to her, be sure to ask her 'What's new with you?' and let her talk all about herself and family, tell her 'That sounds great!' and then be vague when she tries to pump you for info.
It's hard to compete with someone who won't play that game.
If she tries to pin you down on what your kids are doing/signing up for, just say you have several options in mind but you have not made up your mind yet which to choose.
Many families get together (and catch up) only a few times a year for major holidays - it sounds like you are ready for that level of contact.
Just because she's your SIL does not mean you have to live on each others doorsteps.

Let it all go. Its as simple as that. I know easier said than done, right?

Some people are always going to be the type to compete and you can either sit and let it bother you or just come to terms that this is just how the person will be and just focus on your own life. Let it go in one ear and out the other.

IF her son ends up at the same school, see if you can request they be in separate classes. This is what I'd be doing anyway. Also, I'd start guarding your information the best you can if you haven't already started to do so.

Lots of good answers here. I keyed on that she is older and her younger brother is doing all of the major life events first. I am the youngest in my family and have a serious age difference between my eldest sibling so this never came up but she did get to do everything first because she was the oldest. (I did retire from a job first though) Reading your post made me see how much I myself keep track of every little detail and how much that adds to stress in my llife, I am going to work on letting that go and suggest you do the same. I do ish you good luck in this, she is family and is here to stay, you have to come to some type of an agreement to keep the peace.

You've gotten some really great advise below...don't let her get to you and rreally try to share as little as possible about your lives as possible..be vague..I know it's hard...been there...the school thing is a little weird and yes a bit stalkerish--however 30 miles one way everyday will grow old very fast, particullarly in the winter..

Good luck

I'd talk to the school, the principle or someone, and ask them to please not allow this child in the same class as your son. That there are family issues that you chose to not disclose but would prefer if they were not together.

They should not let him in if he's not old enough. There are laws for a reason. A 4 year old does not belong in kindergarten no matter how old they are. They'll be either 16 or barely 17 when they graduate.

Now if he's truly gifted and needs to progress and, say....maybe graduate high school at 13 or something then move on to MIT or something then by all means, he should be allowed to move ahead.

Have you considered moving? Hubby might be able to transfer to another division of his company? That would get you guys away from her totally. Then you'd just have to make sure you don't have an extra bedroom, no overnight visitors...Only put twin beds in the kids rooms and that makes staying overnight even harder.

I'd probably just move to a nearby town that's at least a half hour the other way from her but still have a safe way for hubby to commute. That way you'd have your distance but still have access to the family and home town.

Like moving from Seattle to Tacoma. Just a half hour away but still enough that she's not going to want to drive that far each day twice. I guess she might do that so you might want to move a bit further like Seattle to Olympia. There's enough distance to have your own life but not so far that you can't drive to see everyone every weekend....