Trouble Adjusting to Two Kids

It gets better. I felt the same way going from 1 to 2 kids. Mine were spaced 3 yrs apart as well. By the end of the first year things were WAYYYYY better. I ended up getting pregnant with my 3rd when my second was 13 months. Going from 2-3 was easier. Just keep repeating "This too shall pass" cause it will! Hang in there.

Relax - It has ONLY been 5 weeks. Everybody is still adjusting - including your hormones! Of course your daughter is acting out of jealousy and three is a very hard age. I always say thy went from the terrible two's to the horrible three's! At three they are more independent and that means more exploration. More exploration equals trouble!
Don't worry about more TV right now. It is a nice distraction tool you need at this stage. And as others have stated, there are good children programs.
Two children equals three times the work for you. But the good news is number three (or more) just doesn't seems to matter.
I 'slung' my second child. That freed my hands and attention for child #1 and kept the baby quite happy.
once again, relax, your will settle!

You've got some great responses on here. I have a 2 and 3 year old and I feel like we can just start getting a handle on things around here..except for laundry!! :P Don't worry about watching too much tv. I was thinking the same thing and then my daughter started speaking spanish from Dora and sure it's bad, but it is a matter of survival and tv is better than when we were kids. I find when I go through periods of feelings like this it's really that my expectations are too high. When baby is sleeping could you play a game with your daughter? Also, a great thing a friend told me is to have my oldest play gently with baby on the floor together. My kids are great friends already and I completely believe it was that we started this right away. It's okay to lower your expectaions and have a choatic house right now and sad to say it'll be a long while before things get "normal" since everything is changing for these little ones so fast. God bless you and your family this holiday season!

E.- I feel for you, you are not alone! My son was born in February and my daughter turned 4 in August. I too feel like I'm constantly yelling at her and letting her watch too much TV and she is always having tantrums and acting out. I also work full-time and have a side business. Laundry is always over-flowing, dog hair on the floor and kids crying. Some days it's chaos- two is our limit! But on the bright side, my son is a joy and my daughter is such a great little girl and these days are already flying by. Focus on the good stuff, take a deep breath before you yell. I try to come down to her level (can't really yell when you're staring face to face) and speak to her instead of yelling at her. Try to have someone watch the baby for an hour so that you can have some "girl time" with your daughter. Get to the YMCA or gym to workout- you'll feel better. Find some playgroups, moms groups, library- to have interaction for all of you. Don't be too hard on yourself- 5 weeks is not very long. I always wore my son in a baby wrap, sling or baby carrier, he was very happy that way and I could focus more attention on my daughter or housework. I even went to the gym and worked out and played in the pool while he was in his baby wrap. I got tons of dishes, vaccuumming and laundry done while he was strapped to me and my daughter was very eager to help with chores. Have her sort colors for you, put away her own laundry, fill the dryer. Make sure you all have some down time- even if she doesn't nap- have her read stories to her dolls for an hour. Find things she can do at the kitchen table while you are preparing meals or doing dishes. Legos, playdough, coloring, painting, cutting magazines. Don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy this baby time.

E.,
I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I have an almost 3 year old and had another baby in late August. The adjustment was very hard, and I am happy to say that it is slowly getting better. My older son is really a great kid, but I would still find myself yelling at him constantly. And if I get stressed out AT ALL, for any reason, I find myself taking it out on him. Then I feel tremendous guilt afterward and end up apologizing to him. I've even told my baby to "shut up" in front of my older son. I mean, how low can you go? I think with the raging hormones, the crying baby, and the stress of all the 'newness', we are bound to lose it. Just try your best to remain patient with your older one, and try to remember to walk away when you feel that your top is about to blow. Easier said than done, since I'm still trying to remember to do those things 4 months later. It does get better, though, don't worry. And once spring comes around and your baby doesn't need to eat every 2 seconds and can actually have fun out of your arms, you guys can get outside and shut that TV off! In the meantime, try to watch educational shows, like Sesame Street, Word World, and Super Why. PBS kids is great and makes you feel much less guilty about all the TV!!
Best of luck and patience (for us both :)
Amy

E.,
I totally understand! We just had baby #2 who is now 6 months, and I have a 4 year-old. I felt (and still feel at times) the same way. It took me (and my oldest child) a few months to adjust--about 4 months, actually. You are a good mom BECAUSE you feel this way, and you are concerned...so just keep that in mind! I know one thing that I did that helped was that I always have a quiet time for my 4 year old--he naps some days, but on the days I know he's not tired, he has a quiet time in his room alone for 45 minutes to an hour--he can read books, play a game, whatever, and I try to time it during the baby's afternoon nap so that I can have some time to do NOTHING (read, have a cup of coffee, snooze for 15 minutes, WHATEVER, just NO HOUSEWORK, NO PHONE CALLS, etc). It has helped me.

man on man, I felt like I was reading my own journal entry when I read your entry! My son is now 8 months old and my daughter 2 1/2 and I still struggle with the same feelings. I feel guilty over the amount of TV my daughter watches and also how I treat her (yelling and such). I have noticed that as hard as it is for me, I have to ask for help. I am a better mother when I take time and space for me, that doesn't include house work or errands! I also take deep breaths and count to ten before I let my emotions get the best of me. It is a hard adjustment, but the fact that you care enough to ask for other input just shows how much you care. I think both our daughters really want our attention, so I try to have mommy daughter dates a few times a week when she gets all my attention. We go get "coffee" (apple juice)and read books at the coffee shop, we paint our nails together, or I let her pick a fun place go to thats close to home. You are doing good!

I had my second baby last fall as well. I have a 8yr.old and 1yr.old now. Things were completely chaotic and nutso for along time. Part of it was me, part of it was just the way things were. I suddenly wasn't being a good mom with my older daughter's homework etc. Things seemed to get alot easier for us when the baby was around 4-5mos.old probaly. She outgrew her colic and could lay and play on the floor and didn't need so much one on one. Try not to be a super mom, let the house work go sometimes, get a break and don't be shy to ask for help. The hardest thing for me has been housework. My house went from spotless to constant tornado scene. I keep up with the important stuff like dishes, and safety hazards. Laundry, vaccuming, and picking up toys can wait.

E.- thank you for posting this question as I feel the same way and you have gotten some great responses. This way we can both feel like we aren't alone. It is no fun thinking you are out of control and not being a good mom...but we have to remember it is an adjustment period that everyone goes through.
I hope that things get easier for you and that you and your family have a great holiday!

I'm in the same boat!! I have a three yr old son and a 5 month old daughter. My son will do anything for attention.
A few things I've learned is when I'm feeding or doing anything with the baby and my son asks me to do something, I NEVER say no to him, I always say of course, just give me a minute, I would love to play with you, etc, just as soon as I'm done feeding, changing, etc.... the baby. This way he doesn't feel "left out". I have learned if I yell, or "gently" grab him, it is me who is having the "tantrum". I try to walk away and give myself a time-out. A great book you might want to read is 1, 2 , 3 Magic.
You are doing the best you can.
Good Luck!!!!
J.

This is a very hard time and very time consuming also. A new baby in the house is very tiring both physically but also emotionally especially when you already have children in the house. Take it easy on yourself, you are probably sleep deprived and maybe have a bit of post partum depression. Most moms at this stage feel totally out of control, it is perfectly normal for both of you to feel totally out of sorts, be easy on your daughter try redirecting her and be sure to take some time away from both of them at least once a week even if it is for only an hour. Her acting our is perfectly normal for her, she is wanting your attention that she had before the baby came plus since her routine has changed she is trying to find her way also. Try getting her involved in helping you with the baby. Things will work out.. have faith in yourself! You are doing what most moms go thru, things will calm down a bit when the youngest starts sleeping thru the night and you can get more sleep and develop more of a routine. If I remember right, you are trying to get things done while the little one sleeps and now you are trying to deal with a 3 year old that wants your attention during that time period. Having children under your feet 24/7 can be trying. Take a deep breathe it will all be okay.

She sounds just like my daughter, who is almost 4. But she is an only child so far!!

Maybe you could try redirecting her attention. We've also found that giving her options to choose from helps, even will small thing (would you like milk or water? would you like your sandwich cut into squares or triangles?).

Is she interested in helping with the baby at all? Try to include her as much as possible. Have her grab a diaper & wipes for you. Have her throw away the old diaper (after you have wrapped it up of course!). Have her talk, sing, & play with her baby brother. If you ever feed the baby with a bottle, let her hold the bottle.

This way she won't feel left out, and you get a little bit of help! My daughter was 2 1/2 when my nephew was born. She was very interested in helping in the beginning, then for a while she didn't want anything to do with him. But now she's back to wanting to help. Picks up his toys when he drops them, shares her toys, etc.

Hope that helps!

Sounds like you may have a small case of the baby blues. Talk with your doctor about it. My daughter in law had it and they put her on a low dose of antidepressent for a few months and it helped her alot.

Congrats on your new baby.

Sorry, I didn't read the other responses, I just saw the post and had to respond. I think every "new to two" Mother can relate to you. I know I can! It's still something I work at and my youngest is 21 months. Don't beat yourself up. Start out with a deep breath. A couple positive affirmations, like "I am a calm Mom, that can handle what comes to me". Then ask your daughter to "help" you. Not help with baby stuff so much as just helping you; pick out her clothes, sweep, then move into baby helping, if she's interested. She wants your attention so badly. She wants confirmation that she's still important. When able, get some one on one time with her. Let her pick the activity. When she talks to you, turn to her and listen while making eye contact. Sometimes I get in a rush and forget to do some of these simple things, and my oldest acts up almost instantly. Make her feel as important as she felt when she was your only one. Easier said than done, but just a little effort goes a long way.

Well, first of all, give yourself a break- you're probably exhausted from not getting much sleep because of the new baby, plus running after your 3 year old. One suggestion for you- give your daughter "quiet time" every day for a hour and a half or so. Call it quiet time, not nap time, and let her sit in her room and read her books until you tell her she can come out. That way, if she's tired enough, she'll get a nap in, but either way, you'll both get some downtime. I've been doing that with my daughter since she was about 3 1/2, and it works very well. She knows she can come out to go to the bathroom, but otherwise has to stay in her room. Sometimes she isn't keen on quiet time, but I think we both need it! Your daughter sounds like my daughter! She has said the same thing- "Nothing naughty". I think besides the quiet time, the biggest things you can do are to help involve her in your activities- like big sister helping the baby- getting a diaper for you, or wipes, or picking a toy for him, etc., and helping you with some of your "chores"- like throwing the laundry in the dryer, helping to put the silverware (minus the knives) in the drawer, helping to set the table, whatever is age appropriate. She'll feel like such a big girl, and she'll get extra quality time with you. As long as you make it fun and seem like a privilege, she'll probably eat it up. You get a helper, she gets to feel good about herself and gets Mommy time, and she stays out of trouble. Win-win! Also, just make sure that you are spending quality time with her- just her. I know that when my daughter doesn't feel like she's getting enough attention, she acts out. Hope that helps! Good luck and congrats on your little one!

It sounds to me like you and your daughter are both trying to adjust to the new baby. People always talk about the "terrible twos" but I found with my children that two was good, when they turned three was when it got tough. They must be finding their independence and want to do things their way. I think most of us have an image of how we plan on raising our children but it doesn't always work that way. We have to be strong in some areas and flexible in others. Hang in there and enjoy your little one and your three year old, they grow up way too fast!

You are not alone. It took me several weeks to feel like I had some sort of handle on the situation (then I was diagnosed with cancer and had my world turned upside down with that).
Is it possible for you to spend some quality time with your daughter when your son is sleeping? Perhaps just the alone time with Mom would improve her attitude a little. Unfortunately, 3 is a hard age. We're right there with you, and we are finding all kinds of new sides to his personality that weren't previously evident to us.
It does get better. She probably just needs a little attention and to know the amount of love you have for her isn't any less with a new brother.
I also noticed how much I'd forgotten about having an infant even though ours are only 21 months apart.

For me it wasn't a matter of weeks of survival mode.. but months! And I only had one. I'm sure survival mode will be more prolonged with #2.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your three year old, but I hope that you're able to find a way to gain some control. Good luck!

Hi E.,
I just wanted to encourage you! Going from 1 to 2 kids is a big change and the adjustment takes longer than a few weeks. It will continue to get better and easier over the next few weeks and months as you get more sleep and get into a routine. Take each day as it comes. Like other posts, I would keep your daughter involved with the helping part and doing chores together. It helps her focus on how she is special and the things she can do that her little brother can't do right now. I remember praising my older children (especially in front of other people). It made them feel important and know that I noticed their good behavior and help. Be specific with your husband on what he can do to help as well. Do you know other moms that you can get together with? It helped me a bunch to have playmates for the kids and for me to have someone to visit with for a little while. Best wishes to you in the new year!