Trauma - New York,NY

No, she's not going to "forget what she saw". And if your husband is doing this now, it will only get worse.

You need to BOTH seek counceling, parenting and anger management classes asap. Good luck.

Hitting is NOT minor.
If you and your husband argued that badly, in front of your daughter for pete's sake, that you ended up hitting each other, this is not a good situation at ALL.
You two need counciling immediately. Your daughter does not deserve to be subjected to any of this.

Just to clarify--- you both were hitting?
Then you BOTH need serious counseling or to end this relationship.

There is no reason for EITHER of you to be hitting. Period.

Most everyone seems to be assuming that he hit you. I don't see any evidence to support that assumption in your post. If YOU were the sole person hitting, then you need to consider that your husband might consider fighting you for custody due to your abusive behavior. It works both ways. He might be thinking "I'm getting my daughter and getting out.".
If he was the sole hitter, then you do need to get out.

You need counseling. Or you BOTH do.

Your daughter witnessed domestic violence. This is a big deal. You and the hubby need to get some counseling ASAP & you need to evaluate if this relationship is healthy enough to continue. What kind of example do you want your daugther to see? Your relationship with hubby will be what she thinks of as a normal relationship. Is it ever OK if a man hits her? HECK NO but she will think its OK if she sees this in your marriage. You are effectively signing her up for a lifetime of abusive relationships if you let this continue. Please seek help. Good luck.

Hey, sounds like you're beating yourself up enough, you don't need judgment. And to tell you the truth, I've been there. My husband & I have been together since we were 15, and we had our first daughter when we were 20. I remember, vividly, one fight that we had that progressed to hitting, and I remember my baby daughter, probably 8 months old at the time, seeing us and getting so horribly upset by it. Very small children don't have to understand what's going on to be upset by it.

Listen... hitting is absolutely unacceptable, even when your daughter can't see, but ESPECIALLY when she can. She will most likely forget about this, she's not even 2 yet, but you can't let this happen again.

This doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. It DOES mean that something needs to change though. Have the two of you tried counseling? I tell you from the bottom of my heart, counseling changed my marriage, please give it a thought.

A child's development is impacted by childhood experiences, remembered or not. Sometimes there are memories, detailed, and other times only vague outlines, smells, colors and feelings. And then, especially with the very scary things, there will be no memory left at all. Nonetheless, the experience is there, helping to create who the child becomes.

I think it's almost harder, not remembering traumatic memories. The trauma is still there - the panic and pain - but without the memory it can be more confusing and cloudy because there is nothing to name; nothing to put a finger on.

I'm not trying to shame you, to do so would be counter productive. It took more than just you to create this problem and it will take more than just you to heal, most likely. But a problem it is. A really big one and it should be addressed.

Your daughter doesn't have the developmental ability to place you and your husband's marital strife in context, or to understand it fully. But be very clear, she does understand the anger, fear, and instability in her universe. She senses danger because what she is experiencing is dangerous, physically and emotionally. She understands that something is off and that something is wrong. Growing up believing that this feeling of danger is normal, that it's alright and minor, it's very dangerous. I'm sure you want better for your daughter, and frankly you all deserve better. Take this really seriously. It doesn't have a chance to get better until it's seen for what it is, a very big problem.

I really wish you all luck.

Minor hitting?! That is a MAJOR problem! You need to get help for your family NOW, do not let things escalate. Your 20 month old is old enough to be truly scared by a fight like that between her parents, and she will lose her sense of security and trust if this continues. Do you want her to end up in a relationship with an abusive man because that is what seems normal to her? If your husband will not agree to family counseling or if he is uncooperative in counseling, you need to leave him. And if you have a problem with violent behavior yourself, you need to make changes as well (these things are not always just about the husband). Do it for your daughter’s sake, she can recover from a single incident when she is very young, but an entire childhood of violence does irreparable damage.

"Minor" hitting?

So...hitting can be "minor"?

She's not going to forget what she saw or how she felt.
Sorry--get out of that situation NOW.
Be a role model for your daughter.
You both deserve better.

there is no such think as minor hitting. no hitting should ever happen from you or him. you dont say if he hit you or you hit him or both but that is never ok. even fighting and shouting in front of her is not ok. that is very scary for kids and they remember way more and understand way more than we think they do. she may not remember it when she is 16 but yes she will remember it and the next time one of you even raises your voice she may get very scared. If you were the one who got hit its probably not the best idea to stay with this person. it will just get worse. If this has never happened before it is no excuse but you should probably get some counsling for all of you. you want her to know right from wrong and im sure you teach her its not ok to yell at people or hit or bite, etc but then she see's it happening with her mommy and daddy. that is sending a very mixed message. yes adults will argu but it should be kept minimal in front of kids especially. im sorry she saw that and i hope you can either get out of the relationship or get help before anything worse happens.

There is no such thing as "minor hitting" in a relationship, unless it's between toddlers or preschoolers.

Please get some counseling, both of you if possible, or at least you. I don't know who hit who, but whoever started it needs to realize they have a problem and deal.

If you were willing to get physical with YOUR DAUGHTER BETWEEN YOU, you need to see reality - you both put her in danger and you have to deal with that NOW before someone really gets hurt.

If you were the victim and defended yourself, get to a shelter if he won't get help. If you were the attacker, get help FOR yourself for the sake of your child.

Good luck in taking care of this. She may forget the specific incident, but this kind of tension is probably around all the time, and unless you deal with it, she won't forget it - she'll feel it all the time. My parents did not get along - the didn't hit, but my home was so tense and miserable I don't really remember much of the first 10 years of my life inside my own home.

It always shocks me that people behave this way.

No hitting and no yelling. There is no reason for this childish behavior. Grow the heck up, mama! You might feel like I'm being mean by saying that...but you know I'm right.

If you and your husband need to argue, you put DD in bed, sit at the table, and talk it out like adults. If you can't talk without yelling, you both need to take a break and calm down. Leave the room, for for a drive, go for a walk, whatever. But no yelling and no hitting.

You CAN permanently emotionally scar your child with this kind of behavior. Stop it now.

She may forget the actual act, but she won't forget the tension or the feelings it evoked in her. And there is no such thing as "minor hitting." It's either hitting or it's not.

It takes two to fight like that. You need to be the bigger person and walk away especially when your daughter is there.

Interesting, why do you hit your husband when you are fighting and why do you think that is minor?

You need to learn to control your temper and communicate. Otherwise your daughter will grow up thinking this is how people communicate.

I think she will forget it...eventually...but until then she will get scared every time you guys fight!

~I hope this was the wake-up call you two needed! Knock it off! Hitting is never a reasonable way to end a fight or even be in a fight with anyone let alone your spouse. You guys need to have a good calm talk about what happened and how it NEEDS to NEVER happen again. If it continues you are setting up your daughter to enter into an abusive relationship when she gets older...and I am sure neither of you want that!!

She is 20 months old. No she is not going to remember this when she is older. For now yup. anytime someone raises their voices or gets loud, yes its going to take her back to those feelings she had for a while. But no this is not going to haunt her for the rest of her life if this was a one time thing.

But you and your husband need to take a huge step if not jump back and look at what happened... the events that lead up to that and figure out how to handle it better each and every time you get mad at each other so it never gets out of hand again and this happens to your daughter, you or your husband. The next time it may not stop at "minor" hitting... from either of your ends. If neither of you could control yourselves to stop at the minor.. next time it will be the major. This is no longer about just the two of you... you now need to think about your daughter. If the two of you can't do it on your own, then please seek outside help.

shouting is scary enough, hitting no matter if its minor, or major is very traumatizing. I dont know your situation. I dont know why anything would make you so angry as to fight between yourselves with a baby in the middle. Must have been pretty bad. If you want to fight, and not find peaceable solutions, then do it outside or away from your child. Kids can get hurt very easily and do you want your baby to be injured when you and your husband can't act like adults? Heated arguments are better behind a closed door. It sounds like you both need a step back and look at your maturity levels, and possibly talk to someone about the issues at hand. Once I think she will be able to recover, if this is a constant issue, then no, you will forever scar your child.

Hi Mrs. Vin -

I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that there is help and hope for your family. I have read that it's not so much the fact that you and your spouse fight in front of a child, it's *how* you fight and for *how long.* Kids need to see healthy conflict AND conflict resolution so that they can learn the same skills for their own lives and marriages. It sounds like you guys need some tools for how to argue and end arguments the "right" way. Please don't get stuck in feeling "bad"; you can do some things now that could very well change the course of your future and your daughter's for the better significantly.

I also wanted to suggest a few resources for help right away:

http://referrals-loc.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/referrals_loc.c... (for free marriage counseling)

http://www.familylife.com/ (many free resources, including eMentoring)

http://loveandrespect.com/ (website based off of a book by the same name. Many helpful tips in here, including understanding the needs of a husband/man vs. that of a wife/woman)

As you probably can tell, I am a Christian and I love the Lord. But even if you are not, one of the great things about churches and the resources I listed above is that they are very willing to help - through licensed, trained counselors - for free. In this economy, I know that is a very important consideration for many people.

There is no "minor" hitting between spouses. Your daughter needs to be protected and made to feel secure between you and your husband. Find a counselor and find a way to work out issues without hitting of any sort. YES your baby understood that Mom and Dad are mad and acting crazy and it freaked her out. Don't let an argument get there again because it affects and infkuences her every time. Here is an example for you. My husband when mad tends to throw thing and he is getting counseling for it. My 2 year old started doing the same thing at about 18 months and I have had to repremand her for it and tell her we don't throw things when angry. Our children ARE us! They will do what we do and it starts at birth with them observing us and then mimicing us. We call our daughter "Memorex" sometimes because what goes in comes out!!!