Transition When Stepdaughter Comes to Our House

Poor kid. It must be hard for her to have a split life. I think I would whine, too. I think the kids should stay in one house and the parents should have to move from house to house every week.

its definitely a difficult situation that isn't an easy fix. You might want to try some family counseling with someone solid who can help you see the point of view of the stepdaughter: She is going back and forth, doesn't have the stability, sees someone else being able to have her dad full time and she has to leave and come back. you are the cute family of three that she just joins once in a while. Her perspective may only get more skewed as she enters into to adolescence and is seeking the love of a father that may feel out of her reach all the time..

ADD/ ADHD children are infamous for their inability to transitions well. Whoever picked one week on and one week off with this child was not really thinking clearly about this child.

Is it possible to renegotiate this with the child's mother to be at least every 2 weeks, or better yet, monthly?

This child cannot plan anything, feels powerless about the shifts in her life, and extremely frustrated and left out at the swapping details. She is always going to be a much greater risk of melt down with all this back and forth, and her ADD.

I have ADD. That she is only whining and having scheduling issues is, in my opinion, a small miracle.

That said, and if you can't change this situation to her needs, perhaps you can at least talk to her about what would help her transition. And one of those things is that you really need to talk to the younger child about why it makes her sister feel left out and jealous if she fills her in about her time away all the time. I understand that the little sister is just excited to see her, but emotionally speaking, it's cruel to the older child and rubs her face in her lack of control, even if it's well intentioned. She won't always succeed, but PLEASE encourage this younger child away from doing this, and offer her better ways to reconnect with her sister.

If you can manage to arrange a way to redirect the younger child away from the older when she is in puppy dog share everything mode, and allow the poor kid a less overwhelming transition, that would also be a good idea. Institute that the older sister gets a half hour of transition time in which she gets to not be pestered. She can choose to talk if she wants to, but she gets to initiate it. Or at least ask her questions yourself to get her talking so that the little one isn't left to overwhelm her sister, and the older one is drawn out more about something that isn't "Here's everything you get left out of!"

And yes, if the husband agrees to something, he's in charge of it. Tell him that's the new rule. At the same time, be sympathetic with this kid. If you can adapt, please do. She's already carrying an enormous burden of demands for adaptation from her very limited skills on the subject. If you can wait a day for that grocery store run, let the poor kid have a life, or give her a better means to contact you in advance with her requests. Offer to do it tomorrow instead, if you really can't reschedule easily.

Seriously, she is doing the best she can with all this. And it is very hard and emotionally overwhelming for her. Be patient with her while being clear that you would appreciate if she didn't whine at you and such.

Most kids with ADD take a full 2-3 days to adjust to a custody swap, plus at least a day often more of stressing out just before the next time they have to transition. This is leaving this poor child with a couple days of sanity a week at most. That she hasn't come completely unglued is a statement to the fact that she's a really good kid and is working hard.

Dear MH,

Please understand the rock and the hard place between which your stepdaughter lives. She loves her mother. She loves her father. She is heartbroken that she does not get to have them living together and loving each other.

It is not surprising that she does not want to hear about the exciting things that occurred in her absence. Her sister gets to live with both parents so there is bound to be jealousy there. Particularly since her sister gets Her father full-time, while she only gets him 50% of the time.

I also strongly urge you to find a way to be loving and supportive towards her "real" mom, at least in your step-daughter's presence. When something negative is said about a parent, a child hears that as a criticism of themselves. To a child, a parent is an extension of themselves.

When a child expresses frustration or whines, it is their way of letting you know that something is not OK for them. Don't discourage the behavior. Embrace the opportunity to understand (and help her understand) what she is feeling and how to best deal with those emotions.

Divorce is huge to a child. It leaves a lasting imprint that never goes away. It's up to you (and your husband) to decide how to ease your step-daughter through this, but trust that it will never be "gone".

(I have a booklet on dealing with divorce that I would be happy to email to you, if you are interested. Just let me know.)

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I am stepmother of a 26 year old man, who entered into my life when he was 9. In hindsight, he probably had ADD as well, although his mother wasn't a "participating mom" either, so it didn't get diagnosed at that time.
My best advice is to see the world through your daughter's eyes (the four year old), and imagine her going to someone else's home, with a "very participating mother." It isn't what she's used to, and she hasn't had enough time (or life experience) to really understand any new person's way of doing things. It's different, and it doesn't feel right. And she has to "earn" privileges that the full time daughter would get without the whole house coming apart. Imagine your 4 year old daughter going into a home with "her daddy," only to realize that someone else (cuter, younger, well-behaved and well-loved and who has a close alliance with the "onboard" mother) gets him full time, when she only visits. And as she tries to get an alliance with SOMEONE in the home-- hopefully "her daddy", the participating mother holds all the cards, even over "her daddy."
Now that my children (14 and 12) are the ages of my oldest son when he was experiencing difficulty--- I can see that life must have been so horrible and lonely. I really tried to "make a home" for him, but it was my family's life he had to adjust to, not one the one he could count on as his, or what he was used to. Life DID go on while he wasn't there, and that accentuated that he was a part-timer.
Can you imagine your daughter packing up every other week and going to someone else's life? Could YOU work for a different boss (one "participating" and one "non-participating"?) every other week, and try to keep your work steady, attitude upbeat, much less keep track of your growing self?
Kids need a mirror to reflect back to them what and who they are-- and how their decisions are working out for them. While they are trying on different identities to find the one that rings true for them, the mirror ISN"T supposed to change. How crazy would that be?
I don't have any answers, because my husband and I are still working out our pain and disappointment regarding how we handled our son, even though he has been out of our home for almost 10 years.
Be kind. Let your husband take the lead. Most divorced fathers feel so guilty they allow the new wife to run the show. You are the second-string parent, and should support the first string parents' decisions, even though you may do differently with your daughter. You have time to make your own mistakes, hopefully without a new wife and mom to remind you of them.
Stepparenting is the hardest kind of parenting there is. No one really speaks about this-- and we new moms think we have it all figured out!
I say this as a 20+ year social worker who has worked with families in adoption. It is hands down easier to deal with a birthparent through adoption, than an existing parent through step-parenting.
Go easy on yourself, and your 9 year old daughter. Believe it or not, your 4 year old daughter is watching you, and she'll be old enough someday to have an opinion about how you treated her sister.
All the best-

Amen to what Gina said. This is a girl that is 9. Divorce is an awful thing. It is already traumatic on every level. Which house is her "real home"?
Both of them!

She needs to understand this and have ownership of it. Has she been allowed to decorate her room? Is she free to speak about her mom and what they do together?

Yes, her attitude needs to change and what will it take? Does she need to have certain responsibilities? Does she need to be picked up and given a snack and some time to wind down? Our daughter did each day after school.

What do you need? I agree if dad gave her permission to have a friends over and did not ask you, then HE is in charge of the visit.. You do your errands or whatever and he can stay with the girls, make their lunch and be in charge of their behavior and care..

Make sure you and your husband are always communicating on what each of you have going on and what each child has on their schedules so as a FAMILY you all are in the KNOW. Make a family calendar.. Email it to your daughter and make sure she emails her plans also. I do think when she wants to schedule something on your weeks, she needs to ask your or your husbands permission (this is courtesy) and you all need to do the same with her..

Family counseling is a wonderful thing. we went a few times, but I wish we could have continued. I am a child of divorce and it was so very hard. The feelings of anger, hurt, jealousy, guilt, abandonment, was overwhelming. I did not want to burden my parents so I held it in.. My sister became a very angry person. She is still dealing with this and it has been 40 years.

First, I would say that 9 yr old girls are, by nature, the whinyest kids on the planet. I think that some of the "whine" is age typical :) She is in a very difficult situation (not that you guys are not) and is probably jealous of things that happen when she is not around. However, it is a mixed jealousy because she also wants to be at her moms, which probably causes some acting out (I am sure that she is acting out at her mom's too).

I kind of have the same thing here and mention it so you know that you are not alone. I have a 13 yr old daughter who sees her dad every other weekend. I also have 3 children younger than that whose dad lives in town and we do not have "scheduled visitation" - he can see them whenever he wants. When the 13 yr old is at her dads, she rides her horse (yes, her dad bought her a horse *sigh*) goes to movies, etc. But if the 3 younger kids and I do ANYTHING fun while she is at her dad's, she gets mad. She expects us to put our lives on hold while she is gone and save all the "fun" stuff for when she is here. In otherwords, she expects to be the center of the universe. The older she gets, the better it gets, and at 9, it was pretty awful.

My advice is several fold - make the rules and expections very clear to her when she is at your house. Try the best you can to have a "united front" with your hubby, but understand that it is his child and he should have final say. Ignore the whining and if she is inappropriate with your 4 yr old when she mentions stuff that has happened when she wasn't there, have consequences (whining is one thing - being mean to a little one is another). Ignore the moods when she doesn't get her way. See if you cannot find a counselor trained in blended families for her to meet with a couple times a month.

Good luck!

first of all, do not think of your family as split. That thought will continue to manifest in the current behavior. You all are a BLENDED family and she is just hurt because she wishes that she could be there all of the time or because her mom isn't doing any of the things that you are or because she may think that her dad "likes" this family more than her and her mom. There are a million possible scenarios that could be going through her head, in addition to what is or isn't being said by her mom when she's there. She may feel guilty about being excited and wanting to be there because she could feel like she's abandoning her mom. There does not seem like much understanding is going on with anyone in this situation. You and your husband are not in agreement and therefore not a united front. The lack of unity can scare children, especially if it is something similar to major event in a child's life. As a family, work to understand one another's point of view... including your daughter's. She is that, now. Any extra labels will compound the situation. Work to be more understanding and patient. Take the time to see things from both of your daughter's point of view. Model the behavior that you both expect to see. You and your husband are to support one another and BE the united, cohesive, understanding family that you want to have.

My prayers are with you and I pray that your family continue to seek God first and allow Him to lead you in this situation (Prov. 3:5-6).

Why dont you take it a little easy on her. Do something special for her. Try to see her side of the equation. She gets left out of all the fun every other week. That isnt fair. And of course life isnt fair but she is obviously having a hard time and if you are as plugged in as you sound you should see that. Perhaps she flips out at you guys because it is safe to do so and you will still love and accept her. She may not have that at the other house. Set aside special time and things just for her. In her mind the 4 yr old gets this by default.

maybe the 50/50 custody is too much for her to handle. one week there and one week here is hard ... that would be hard for anyone. and, she is still really young. my daughter is almost 8 and goes to her dads every other weekend and one night a week. that's great your stepdaughters mom and dad were able to agree on the one week / one week schedule but in my personaly opinion.... i don't think some kids can handle that at such a young age.

I agree with Susanne. You have to accept it as is. I had a step son when he was four. and it was very hard counseling and on and on. Then my son had a very serious disease and I could not spend so much time on the SS. So at 12 he went to live with his mother. Looking back I would not have tried to change him just love him and let Dad do whatever he wanted or nothing with him. That was hard as I was more immature and thought I could help him. Even if he does remember some things from me it was my example not my trying to help him to grow and be more stable. He still grew into who he wanted to be not who I wanted him to be. Since I came from a divorced home I saw also that it is horrible to go back and forth which I never had to do but he did. I could never give him stability and security. Hope you have a relationship with your Savior, it will be the only way to get thru this, to let go.

Hello, I would not tell her to not take out her frustrations about her mom on your family. What I would do it mirror that she is feeling left out. In other words, I would say something like this, "It sound like you feel left out when we do things and you are not here. Maybe we could plan special trips when you are here. Can you help us to decide where to go?." Also, I would let her help with the menu and that way, you might avoid the "I don't like it" problem at meal time. My grandson is now 14 and always feels like he is a fifth wheel. His father and step-mother don't take any time to make him feel like a part of their family. In fact, his step-mother even went as far as to say to him that he is old enough to decide whether he wanted to come and visit and didn't have to anymore. He is a very polite young man with very good manners and treats his little cousins with kindness. He has two step-sisters who he says are allowed to do what ever they want to him. This will be his father's loss.
By the way, I would ignore the whining and any conversation which includes it. You can tell her ahead of time that you will not discuss anything which includes whining. I did licensed daycare for many years and the times when I had groups of 8 to 10 years old was the whiny stage. :-)
Good luck with your precious daughter and step-daughter.
K. K.

For one, your step daughter is different, different than your children, different than other kids in a whole family. She will need the attentions of her father for what seems excessive but she will try and get all the lost time in a short weekend even if being bad does the trick, not intentionally but as children do. Please don't be jealous of their relationship. She will need special 'daddy/ daughter dates' that he may not have time to do for the other children. Please let them go and don't make them suffer by lecturing (not saying you do). It seems unfair but your kids get him every day, she only sees him every other weekend.
Why I'm saying this is because: children are treated differently when their father's aren't around to look out for them and when their mother's are too busy or unable to protect them. I'm always shocked by the things adults say and do to kids when their parent's aren't there knowing they are alone. It's really sad.
As for you, God bless you for caring and giving your best effort. Please remember, any interference in that daddy relationship will always make you look like the bad guy. You aren't her mom but she desperately wants to be a whole part of your family even though she may never say it and some of the bad behavior really is just that - she wants to belong and have a normal life. Kids from divorce hold a lot of shame, sadness, and guilt that is displaced.

What I recommend, is asking questions of her and trying to always be fair and just. If she's bad, she knows it and the punishment is deserving and punish her just as you would your own. If she's good, same thing, reward as you would the others.
The transition alone from one house to another is stressful to a child, if she is there only every other weekend, try hard to be patient while you teach her some respect and manners but not be a policeman. Keep her active with her siblings and lots of hugs and praise will do you both some good.
As for daddy, I pray he doesn't leave the burden of her visit all on your shoulders. He must not show partiality in the way of unfairness or un just towards the other children. She wants to be whole, not spoiled.
As for the ADD part, seems like every child sitting in school is ADD now a days. If she is ADD it only means she thinks differently and maybe together you two can explore what it is that she is special in and build her self confidence.
I also recommend church youth groups and give her a middle place - some place between mom and dad's where she can belong all the time and for several years. That continual positive social gathering will reinforce her feelings of trust and security and her bad behaviour at your house will lessen.
I wish you luck. Remember, she wants to love you and be loved. She wants to keep her daddy all to herself and you are the other woman. By 'sharing' him you welcome her and take the fear of losing him again away.
Love and hugs to you. Keep the faith!

Hi there. I was reading your question and thought that your stepdaughter sounds just like my 12 yr old daughter. I'm not saying it's not some resentment and sadness that her parents aren't together anymore. But 9 yr olds whine and complain. That's just what they do. It just gets worse as they start to turn into teenagers. i'm a stepchild as well and it's really hard to deal with. Try to be more sympathetic. Who doesn't want there mom and dad to be together? And for a little kid, it's like it's your fault. Like you did something wrong to make it happen. Try to put your self in her shoes. She's sad and angry and yes jealous because your daughter gets to live there all the time and she doesn't. It's also just the age difference between them. My girls are 6 yrs apart and my oldest doesn't want to hear a thing from her sis. The play date thing too. If it were your child, you would probably agree to a playdate without checking with your husband. Or would it be okay if he accepted a playdate for your child without asking? You would probably be more okay with it because that's your kid and the other girl is not. Just look inside yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you treating her differently because she's not yours? Again, put your self in her shoes. How would you feel if your stepmother, the women who was married to your dad, treated you different because you weren't her's? I don't mean this in a mean way, It must be hard to be a stepmom, but just think of her as a child who didn't do anything but her life got turned upside down. A child with a broken heart. :)

I am going to try to say this without being insensitive to you. She is a child. she is sad child and at 9 years old, she is still emotionally immature to deal with her world and her insecurities. Try thinking about it in the sense if your little one was her. You realy need to sit back and realize that she was not asked to be brought into this world...now wouldn't it be nice to think of her when in a gift shop as well? Just the thought of getting "2" of something may seem like not a big deal but would make her feel less left out..it could make her feel "thought of" while she is gone. Are you guys able to create some kind of communication between the weeks? I want to also say that it takes an incredible person to marry a man/woman with kids from a previous relationship, so please do not think I do not know that you are in a sometimes awkward situation. I married a man that took on my 3 from my previous marriage and it is work. We have one little one of our own as well and yes, I see his open love for her and I love it. I also know that over the past 6 years we have gone through many ups and downs with the kids and different emotional and academic issues. It takes work..but most importantly, you being the woman, it takes compassion and sometimes just trying a little harder to include her and listen to her requests even when it seems selfish or unreasonable. Having a friend over is something that may make her feel like it's her home too. Maybe she wants to show off how wonderful her life is at your home. Maybe she doesn't and just wants to whine because she knows you will say no. All I am saying is it sounds age appropriate and having a 13 year old girl right now I am telling you, this is the easy part. Please try to be the bigger person...this situation needs a hero and it needs to be you since you are the one voicing a concern. Sorry if I don't have any real concrete ideas or fix it solutions...it is really as simple start of getting her more involved with the things that you know bother her. Yes, stay appropriate with parenting her but she is not the bad guy here..her situation can not be changed and I don't know about you, but when I am sad about my life or current situation, I at least know how to resolve it and it still makes me upset. Now think of it in a little girl's sense. Lastly, one way to look at it is that after really making an effort to involve her, think of her and show her more attention while she is away, you will see if she is able to change her ways or if it is just going to be something that you have to accept and maybe seek professional help if it becomes a larger issue.

~J.

I am trying to understand what a 'participating mom' is.

was going to respond but you already have so much great advice!!!

This is a pretty delicate situation. I am currently in a very opposite position myself. My 12 year old son recently moved in with his father and "step mom to be." I will say as a biological mom it is a huge challenge to share parenting with a new person that was not there for the first 10 years while I was parenting him alone...my ex was not an "active" father, to use the term you did.

I will tell you that the biological mom will always be mom, regardless of how well you feel she has done her job. I don't know your situation at all, but I do know that no matter what is happening at home and with whom, it is natural for your step daughter to feel angry and resentful. A blended family is very stressful on EVERYONE.

My son is adjusting very well. I see that he has a "special" relationship with his future step mom. She has helped him a lot in a wide variety of ways. She is important to him and she is helpful to him, and that is important to me. He only seems to get "strange" when the step mom has overstepped her bounds. When she starts picking up and doing all of our "special things" together he gets anxious and a bit more withdrawn. I can only assume that he feels torn and is not sure how to effectively honor and respect both biological mother, and "special adult".

I am now about ready to get married so my son will have both a new stepfather and a new stepmother. I understand that side too. I want my new husband to take an active role but I have been single and raising my son without a man for so long that I understand we need to tread very carefully. My son has never had to "share" me before.

I think the best we can do is move slowly, try to be understanding, read as much as we can (there are some great books out there about this very topic) and allow the child to move at his/her own pace.

She wants you to be her Mom, and she's jealous and frustrated that you are not. Maybe you could let her know you feel the same way, or just let her know how much she means to you. She wants to live with you it sounds like.