Transition from One to Two Kids and Discipline Problems

My son acted much the same after my second son was born and he wanted nothing to do with the baby. My son took all his anger and confusion and fear out on me. I could barely hold it together, since I had just had a baby and had to leave my newborn in the hospital for the first week of his life. Things do get better, but it takes a lot of patience and understanding. He is going through a huge live-changing event and understands very little of it. I don't think spanking is the answer. While you do need to stick with your household rules of behavior, you have to give him some leeway, too. This is a big adjustment for everyone. We sometimes think our older children should be as joyful and excited as we are about the new baby, but sometimes they aren't and that is their right. Just give him as much love and attention as you possibly can and try to ignore inappropriate behavior, if possible. Kids will do anything to get attention, even negative attention. Congratulations and good luck!

Hey K., I just went through this. My son is now 3.5 and was 39 mos old when the baby was born and I could share a lot of stories. If you're interested in reading some of them send me a PM.

I will say that you're going to have to be consistent and as calm as possible.

I chose not to put diapers on my son as I felt that would only let him revert for a longer period of time. He and I cleaned up a lot of messes, but he got the picture that he was not going to wear diapers during the day (he wears one at night) that was for his baby brother.

I spend as much time as I can with him when he's not in school so that he doesn't feel left out. My house is a mess and I do a lot of housework on the weekends just so that I could split my time with both boys and not get caught up with other stuff. Soon they won't want me to play with them and I'll have enough time for chores. So, when he gets home from school, the baby usually goes down for a 2hr+ nap and that's the time we have to spend together. I usually wash bottles and if I haven't already started dinner, I do the prep work (no more than 30 min) I ask him to help and he usually does and when he doesn't I hurry up so that he and I could play. We'll go outside and play with the sandbox, or run around. I let him choose the activities, if we stay inside we usually color, draw or play make believe with his toys. His call – it’s his time and we usually do what he wants.

When he whines, I simply tell him I can't understand a word he's saying and if he continues the less I'll want to listen. We have our days and if I have to put the baby down to discipline him, he gets a time out and I remove the thing or things that was using to get in trouble. To date, I have only had to throw one toy away.

It’s going to be hard and very trying; my best advice would be to talk with him. Ask him what he would like to do and most importantly just listen. Listen to his concerns and you may be surprised at the things he’s feeling.

Congratulations on the new baby and you’ll find your comfort zone soon!

EDIT: OH, one thing I do with him is he gets a BIG Surprise at the end of the week if he shows good behavior in school too. We'll bake cookies and he could decorate them. We'll have a play date with someone. Go to Sonic and get a slushy. Something that I don't do often. At the end of the month if he's good all month at school and remains on green we'll take him to Chuck E Cheese or somewhere similar.

It sounds like your older child has had a very stressful last month or so. Hopefully he'll adjust to the new baby and return to his normal behaviour in a few weeks. In the meantime, I recommend reading "Love and Logic" if you haven't already done so. I also suggest giving him lots of attention (when he's good), appointing him your special helper, remaining firm, consistent, and unemotional during discipline, and try to head off any situations that trigger behavior problems. For example, before I nurse my baby, I tell my 2.5 year old "I'm going to feed the baby now. What do you want to do while I'm feeding Josh? Play with a puzzle, draw, play with play-doh .... ? " Then I help him get set-up before I get started, and I stay near him and talk with him during nursing. Giving him acceptable choices helps him make good decisions. We also have a firm "no whining, no tantrums" rule ... he can do those things, but not in my presence. Early on, I sometimes had trouble getting him to go to timeout when my hands were full with the baby, so I withdrew with the baby to my bedroom instead, telling him that he was welcome to join us when he stopped whining ... that worked, too. I'm sure things will get better soon! Hang in there, and enjoy the new addition to your family!

rest assured that this is a pretty "typical" reaction to what you've described... i know that doesn't really help though! if potty training is a battleground, i would 100% put him back in pullups and diapers for a few months, that is NOT something worth stressing about! you can work on that when other things settle down. try to spend some time with him when baby is sleeping. be firm/patient/consistent and things will settle down. don't give in to him just b/c things have changed, he's testing his limits, so be sure to consistently let him knwo what they are. i have been where you are, bedrested for many months of my pregnancies and all my kids are right at 3 years apart. i promise you, it WILL get better!

I've been wanting to respond to this all week, but life is hectic, as I am sure it is for you.

I have a 3 year old daughter and now 4 month old boy/girl twins. I was on bedrest the last 2 months of my pregnancy. We placed our daughter in an in home childcare situation and it was very HARD. She had been home with me this entire time until this happened.

We had a lot of discipline problems- did the time out, spanking, taking toys away...it was rough. When the babies were born, it was hard at first...she had a lot of frustration- toward us, thankfully never toward the babies.

We are fortunate enough to have family close by and are able to help out. What made a BIG difference is my husband, daughter, and myself were able to go & have dinner- just the 3 of us (like it used to be). She really enjoyed it & appreciated the attention.

If you can, see if someone can watch the baby-even for a couple of hours.

Hope this helps!

Best Wishes.

Think about how stressed out you are right now. Now stuff all that emotion into an almost 3 year old body. He doesn't understand everything he's feeling, doesn't know how to work through his emotions, and doesn't have a way to channel all that energy out. And of course he's regressed in potty training - that's the ONE thing in his life he CAN control. He needs a lot of one-on-one attention, and a positive reinforcement discipline plan. First, I would set up some kind of schedule with your husband so each of you can spend 1 hour alone with your son doing something FUN (go to the park, get an ice-cream, play cars together, whatever). Yes, your husband is very busy, and I'm sure there are 2 hours in his week he can rearrange to accomplish this. Don't make this time dependant on his good behavior. It's his special time no matter what. (Maybe the type of activity will be restricted because of behavior. If he's having tantrums just before his time with you, then he can't go out somewhere, but you can still do something special at home...) Also, make sure to get out and do fun things regularly. In a calm moment, talk to your son about what's going on. Tell him you know he gets mad, sad, frustrated, and that's ok. But it's not ok to not follow directions and have tantrums. Then tell him what he CAN do when he feels that way - scream into his pillow, hit his pillow, whatever, until he calms down. When you see him starting to escalate, remind him of his options. Also, set up some kind of token economy so he can earn rewards. Catch him doing good (make sure to reward every little thing at first and then slowly taper back), and he gets a sticker, smiley face, marble, etc. When he chooses to misbehave, take one away. After he earns a pre-determined amount (don't set it too high at first!) he gets a pre-determined prize that he picks out. It doesn't have to be something expensive, just as long as it motivates him. I did a sticker chart with my first son and put a picture of the prize at the end of the row to keep him motivated. I agree about not fighting about potty training. Once you help him learn how to deal better with all of the stress, he should naturally go back to using the toilet. But make sure you're very careful about changing back to pull-ups. Tell him that you don't want him to be uncomfortable in wet clothes and don't want him to feel bad about making messes, so just for a little bit he'll wear pull-ups again until he's ready to go back to underwear. Make sure to use a comforting tone of voice and reassure him it's ok to wear pull-ups for now, and you'll work on using the potty again later. I also second using the Love and Logic approach. I have 3 boys ages 5 and under. Transitioning after baby #2 was the hardest for me. Just remember, it does get better, and when you feel yourself getting frustrated, try to see the situation from your son's perspective. Unfortunately there's no quick fix. Loving consistency will eventually show results. Until you reach that point, make sure to take care of yourself too. Have a girl's night, try to have a date with your husband once in awhile (think outside the box - a quick breakfast or lunch date can be very refreshing), do something little for yourself each day. The less stress you feel, the better you'll be able to deal with your son's behavior problems.