I'm a new mom, my son is 5 months old. My mother is 60 years old and has terrible arthritis in her knees, feet, ankles and hands. She is still mentally capable, but she walks with a cane and has A LOT of trouble maneuvering around/ getting in and out of chairs, etc. She has a disability, and I've come to terms with that. Well, somewhat. It's very hard on me when I see all my friends my age whose mothers are an active part of their grandkids' lives and can babysit, take them to the zoo, etc. But such is life.
I want her to be a part of my son's life, and I'm having a hard time knowing HOW MUCH she is capable of as far as watching him. So far we've only left him with her (my dad was also there and my elderly grandfather who lives with them) one time for about 4 hours. My husband wants to let her watch him once or twice a week for less than an hour, just so we can go running together (we're trying to get back into shape and want an activity we can do together so we're trying out trail running) I'm hesitant to do this. She can't walk with him.... She can hold him just fine sitting down, but that's about it. I know she would never let anything happen to him, but I worry she's in denial about her condition and may try to do too much just to prove she can, because I know it eats her up that she isn't a "normal grandma" and can't babysit. I don't think she would ever come out and tell me if it's too much.... I know she's raised three kids and knows what she's doing, but how important is the physical aspect? WHAT SHOULD I DO???
Wow, thanks moms for all of your thoughtful responses. I think that though she's probably be fine if he's in a pack n' play or swing or something that chance of "what if" just is not worth the risk. I'll just have to try to make special times for my son to stay with her when my dad is around as well to help out. Guess we'll have to see if we can find another sitter while we run or just wait until he's old enough to join us in the jogging stroller! It is important she feels she's a part of his life, we just have to find alternative ways that she can do that that are less physically demanding... it's hard to talk to her about, especially since she wouldn't be in this condition if she would get knee surgery. but that's a whole other can of worms! thanks.
I'm the kind of parent that can Not stand by and do nothing if a child is crying or needs changed. Either grandma doesn't respond to the baby or she does and there is the possiblity of dropping him.
i don't think i would chance having her watch him all by herself.
Well, it matters. when baby is napping and you will be gone less than 15 minutes, yes, anything else... no. A good compromise might be to hire a mother's helper to help. She could officially be there to clean the house or something like that and help out on the side. That leaves you someone to call if things get out of hand.
The physical aspect is one thousand percent important! Unfortunately, your mother isn't qualified to babysit for your baby unless your baby is sleeping. Have her watch your son when he is napping so you and your husband can go out running. This is about the safety of your son.
S.,
As a grandmother who watches my grandsons quite often, your mother will be perfectly capable of taking care of a baby for an hour or more. I was very much disabled when my first grandson was born and I watched him all day one day a week. Since then I have gotten much, much better and have two grandsons quite often. You just figure out different ways of getting where you need to go with a baby. Obviously she will need to keep him on the same floor of her house if she can't carry him and go up steps but for that they have pack and plays. She is not going to let anything bad happen to your baby and from experience I can tell you your baby and your mother will benefit so much from getting time together without you there.
She should NOT be, doing child care, alone, in her condition.
It is for her safety and your child's.
It is, common sense.
She is 'normal.' She just has health concerns. Which affect her and her mobility. So you teach your child that & her.
You teach her as well.... and you be a Mom, and keep your child safe.
If something should happen, to your son or her... while they are alone together... you will not forgive yourself.
I know many Elderly Grandparents. They have health concerns. They have a hard time, keeping up with their young Grandchildren.
Even driving around can be hard for them, much less, keeping up with them at home. Kids are, active.
The Physical aspect.... IS VERY IMPORTANT.
I know a Grandparent, that while watching his Grandchild, all of a sudden fell down. Why? Because he fainted. He was outside in the yard with his Grandchild. He hit his head. Could not get up. Had to be rushed to the hospital. Good thing, his wife was home, too. Otherwise, his Young toddler Grandchild, would be without supervision or worse. Can you imagine, what could have happened- to the child and to him???? If his Wife was not home with them????? The Grandchild's parents were not home of course, they were at work. If his Wife was not home, then he'd still be laying on the ground outside passed out, and the Grandchild unsupervised for HOURS. Who knows, what could have happened then.
So keep that in mind.
When a Grandparent is disabled and/or with health problems... there has to be another Adult person there as well. Watching the child. ie: a Buddy system. For just in case. You CANNOT predict, scenarios.
I'm sorry, but you should not leave your child alone with her to Babysit.... at all. Not in her condition.
It is all about safety for your child and her's.
She is not physically able.
Is her home baby-proofed or safety proofed???? That is another concern. You should do that for her, or your Husband.
Don't compare her to all the other Grandmas you see out and about.
This is your Mom. Arthritis... is very disabling and painful and crippling.
It just is.
I hope she is seeing a Doctor for her Arthritis.
All the best,
Susan
HI--
I so feel your pain. My husband and I are in exactly the same situation with his mother. After much reflection the issue became very black and white for us. As a parent you are in charge of your child's safety. Part of that responsibility means making sure they are safe when you are not there. Bottom line, I would never leave my child with someone who isn't physically capable of taking care of them. Period. That simple. What if he gets bad diarrhea and it's everywhere and she can't clean him up. What if a candle falls over and something lights on fire. What if, what if, what if...... It is unlikely that in the short amount of time you are out running that something bad could happen. However, I don't think it's fair to your son or to your mother to take that chance. If your father is there to assist that is different. But, for me, I didn't leave my kids with my MIL alone for both of their safeties. It sucks!!!! But , as you said, such is life.....
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
J.
I would tell your DH that he needs to acknowledge that while she is a loving grandmother, she has limits. My ILs don't babysit, either, for various reasons, but they love their grandkids and attend events and we enjoy spending a few hours with them (before my FIL gets tired). I try to bring the little one over at least a couple times a month while I am there.
As far as running together - why not get a jogging stroller and make it a family outing? My DD LOVES running with her daddy and he's been taking her in the jogging stroller since she could fit in it.
Seriously...she should be fine to watch a 5 month old for an hour. I don't understand the logic of some of the previous responses. Make sure she has a crib or pack & play or exersaucer to pop him into, if she needs to keep him contained for a few minutes, etc.
I think I would wait until the child is older, potty trained and all that. Unless, your dad is there and is capable of helping. Then I would consider it.
A 5 mo old is young enough to just eat and sleep move around a little, so that would involve just feeding and changing and some interraction - In this case I would leave the baby with her for only a short period of time and close by..no long trips out of town that is.
As the child gets older, heavier and more active, it will require more physical activity on the part of your M. and that I wouldn't advise letting her watch them at all (putting in car seat, stroller, running after him, etc). She could hurt herself.
Your M. just has a physical disability so that alone would not prevent her from enjoying her grandkids, but I think you are more concerned because she cannot help as much with the physical part.
Use your best judgement. My dad was asthmatic and in his 80's but very active and he watched my niece and nephew for a long time with no problems until it got where he couldn't do it anymore, so don't limit your M. if she feels she can do it, but use your best judgement on the length of time and number of days, etc.
Has your mom had any kind of occupational therapy or other kinds of treatment for her arthritis? Several people I know take cod liver oil pills and that seems to help.
Let your mom come on over and you can see and guage what she can and can't do while she is guaging as well. I think she would probably be fine taking care of him for an hour. Understand there are mother's out there who are just as disabled as your mom and they are doing it. Your son will be fine.
Let your mom watch him, but not alone. Have another adult present at all times so that they are there just in case.Or you could consider talking with a neighbor and asking them to check on them while you are gone? Maybe that would work too~ GL!
M
Trust your motherly instinct!
No, sorry. Your child will be mobile in just a few short months. If your Mom cannot move well, then she will not be able to keep up with your child. Just not a good idea...
Did mom have this condition with you kids? You know as long as dad was there I would leave him for a short time, like hubby suggested while he is young. THe older he gets a little more. Hang tough she is your mommy, and loves you all. :-)
My mother in law, is in a similar state. To gauge how she would do, I went over with my son a few times and watched what she was able to do with him. She was OK until around 4 months when he started rolling and crawling. She could not pick him up, if he crawled somewhere he wasn't supposed to be. He hit his head one time very hard, and could not get over to him. Once he was mobile, she could not handle it. When your baby is mobile, the care giver needs to be mobile. What if he got a hold of something and was choking, and she could not get to him quickly? Emergencies like choking need IMMEDIATE care. What if SHE fell while trying to get to him, and injured herself? Then your baby would be on their own.
I came to the conclusion, that it was too unsafe to put my child in her care. It was a hard decision to make, because I want her so badly to be able to care for him. The blunt reality, is she can't.
I think your mother is fully capable of being a normal Grandparent. You are making her more disabled by "limiting" her time with her grandson. I think in the long run she would tell you if something is too much for her, but not giving her the chance is hurting her feelings.
Updated
Ask her..that is the best advice I can offer
Oh this is so tough. My mom is sort of the same way, but because the mental part is still there, she really wants to babysit. I would be with her and gauge it for yourself. Watch as your son needs things over an hour, and see what your mom can or could do. Less than an hour might be just fine, but I second those who say she should not be alone. For both their sakes. You just never know and you would never forgive yourself if something happened to either of them.
If you decide against babysitting, just make sure your mom is included in other ways. That's what I've had to do. I don't let my mom drive my daughter, and even though my daughter is now 10, I know mom could babysit but most of the time I just feel like it's too much to ask. So I make sure to do other things, just visiting, or if we're baking or making jelly I invited mom to come sit with us. It is hard to watch, especially when friends seem to have such healthy spring chickens for parents. But as you said- such is life- and I'm learning to be glad to just have my mom around, whatever that may mean. Good luck.
when he's mobile it will be more difficult, but for right now i think it's fine for her to watch him while you go running. it's a great way for her to get some precious one-on-one time with baby, and good for you for running!
this will also let all of you see how it progresses as baby starts to move around more. keep the lines of communication open with your mom. it's natural for her to be a bit defensive, but if she sees that you truly want her to be able to do everything she's capable of, and that you are facilitating her relationship with your baby not hampering it, you guys will work it out.
khairete
S.
Can he crawl or does he roll around quickly from room to room or anything like that? If he does, then I would probably hesitate leaving him there unless she can "chase" after him. If she isn't going to be able to keep up with him physcially then I wouldn't do it. If he isn't moving on his own yet then it's probably fine to set him up with some toys and a blanket and let her watch him. You may have to adjust your plan when he does start to move, but until then it seems reasonable to have her babysit for an hour.
My parents lost my son at age 2 because he decided to bolt and they could not chase him. It may be ok now, but you could go through a period of time soon where it is not ok. Believe me, I understand how awkward the conversation is. They want to feel trusted and needed and you need to protect your child. It could work out when she gets older so maybe you could just say something like I don't want to put you to all that work, perhaps when she is older and less labor intensive to care for.
My granny is 80. She LOVES the kids, but just can't do it by herself anymore. We have all decided that she can watch the older ones (that can walk and talk), but not the babies. If they fuss or need changed, she is just not able to do it. It sucks, but unfortunately, it's the way it is.
I too am in the same situation. My ailing mother in law lives with us...that has given me the opportunity to truly see, on a 24/7 basis, her many limitations and health restrictions. This is extremely difficult for all of us. My mother in law was "super grandma" with her two grandsons, who are older than my two daughters. She did EVERYTHING with them, several days a week - babysat, skating lessons, soccer practices, school activities and sleepovers, just to name a few. Her health has declined so dramatically over the last 4 years, basically leaving her incapable of even living alone. Yet, she continuously offers to watch the girls...who are 1 and 2 and NEVER stop!!! She has been advised NOT to pick them up due to severe back problems, she has parkinson's, early stage dementia, diabetes....most of which she tries to be in denial of. Understandably, these are all difficult to accept and it has become very depressing for her.
We have tried simple things like asking her to watch the girls, on her side of the house, for a couple of hours so my husband and I can work - we work from home. I typically have to go in and check on them every 10 minutes or so, as she has a tendency to fall into a dead sleep without warning. I have gone in to check the girls to find them crawling on the bathroom counter going through the medicine cabinet...my daughter eating a bottle of tums...my older daughter had an insulin needle in her hands...oh, and my mother in law has a tendency to drop pills as her parkinsons has significantly restricted her capabilities with her hands - tremors and no muscle tone. Oh, I forgot to mention the time I found her in my mother in laws shower holding the razor.
My point is this....whether your child is only months old, or a couple of years old...it only takes a few moments for something to go tragically wrong.
My husband and I are still struggling daily with this situation. My mother in law truly WANTS to do more to help...but it breaks her heart to be told she CAN'T. We are, also, now unable to get babysitters. She kicked a couple of them out after my husband and I left. Other times she scolded us for getting a sitter telling us it was rude and an invasion of HER privacy. How do I "gently" tell her that I will not compromise the safety of my children....even if it breaks her heart?????
I feel your pain...on a daily basis.
