Tough Days

Take a deep breath and count your blessings. I have been working since I was 15 years old, now 39 still working. It is not easy to work and juggle home and it is not easy to stay home. Staying home is non stop cleaning and cooking and picking up, etc. You feel overwhelmed and it is normal. If you are feeling depressed get out of the house talk to your husband and let him know the way you feel. If you see that this continues go speak to your doctor and let them know. Maybe your hormones are wacky and you need the stabilized. Don't be afraid to talk about it to others. You need to let yourself be heard! No one sayed it was going to be easy. But yes, look into those baby's eyes and count your blessings. Life can be worse! Good luck -S. C.

www.flylady.net - there's a lot to read, but it's worth it for yourself. JC's suggestions look great - plan a few minutes of fun into every hour (which seems silly - but being spontaneous takes forethought!) Give your son a hug, take lots of pictures and write in a journal for him - you won't regret any of that! :)

A.,
Start by taking 5 or 10 minute breaks every hour to do something you enjoy. Read. Go outside. Take a deep breath. The best thing you can do is to take little steps to put some fun back in your life. We make everyone else important and we need to really take care of ourselves first. You are doing the most important job there is and you need to reward yourself for it!
I'd also suggest going to Flylady.net. It may seem really weird at first, but hang in there. The woman who created it lived through chaos, a disorganized home and depression and teaches women to take time for themselves, while they take care of their family. You can sign up for daily e mails that are so positive and supportive and will help you establish routines so your house pretty much cleans itself and you have more time to breathe and keep your sanity. This is just temporary and you are not alone!! Do something good for yourself...even 5 minutes is a great start!

I was feeling the same way until I joined a Moms group (MOMS International). Best thing I ever did! As the other moms tell me, it's for the moms, not the kids. You can check out their website, or I'm sure there are other groups in your area. It's a really nice group, and I've found so many wonderful things to do with my daughter that I never knew were out there. Good luck, you're not alone :)

Hi A.,

Something you said struck me (that you were always 'present with your son') that made me think of myself and of a book I read right after my daughter was born and I was going through some post-partum depression. It's not technically about parenting, but more about enjoying everything life and staying present through life's moments, good, bad and indifferent. It's called A New Earth by Eckhard Tolle. I know it sounds a little spacey and self-helpy, but it's very good and really helped.

Take care,
H.

I completely understand, I quit my job to stay at home with my little one and feel lucky to be able to do that but some days are tough. It's good to get out of the house often, even if it's just to the grocery store. Your local library might have a story time that you could go to. We've also gone to music class like Music Together or there might be a similar one near you. As someone else mentioned, you could also look into Gymboree classes or Little Gym where your son can run around and you can meet other moms. Basically anything that will help you get out and meet other moms is great.

A.,

Being a stay at home mom is not for everyone although I did stay home with both of my children there were days when I felt just like you do. If you are feeling depressed you should try to talk to someone to help you work out your feelings. No one is here to judge you if you feel you cannot handle being home and maybe you would be a better mom working then go for it. You sound like you are in a terrible rut. You should never feel guilt for your feelings like I said staying home is not for everyone. As you said being lucky enough to stay home with your child is wonderful, however an unhappy mommy makes an unhappy family. The debate over working mom verses stay at home mom in my opinion is ridiculous,there is no right or wrong just personal choice and what is right for each family. It is very difficult to keep a 20 month old busy all day their attention span is sometimes none existent. Do you have any friends that are also stay at home moms that perhaps you can set up some play dates?
I know when I was home with my kids (now 24 & 19) there were so many moms home that I did have a nice network of friends to get together with. Today with the economy the way it is women who are home I think can be much more isolated. As far as feeling like a cleaning lady welcome to motherhood, you are going to be nurse, psychologist, doctor, cab driver, and expected to wear many hats during the day. You are not alone in your feelings many of us have felt the same way at one time or another. I would really evaluate your feelings and do what is going to make you feel better. Also, it being winter does not help the situation. I own a childcare center with over 60 kids and when you are stuck inside all day it can be very difficult to keep the little ones busy. We dance, sing, read stories, do arts and crafts, and basically try to be as creative as we can. So being cooped up can be another factor for you. Once the weather breaks and you can get outdoors it will help to go to the park etc. Maybe try to find some indoor activities like little gym, etc that you can do to break up the day. I hope this helps. Good luck and have a happy holiday!!

So lighten up on the cleaning, try to cut back on the laundry or do it every other day. The clothes dont have to be folded perfectly and while you are folding give your son some wash clothes or his shirts and have him try to fold them too. Give him a dust rag and let him help clean. You cant do much about the dishes, but if its nice out and you havent done the lunch dishes..so what? soak them and go for a walk. Also you dont have to be a constant playmate for your son, its good that he learns to play alone as long as its not the 'tv babysitter.' Boys your son's age love blocks, build him a tower and let him knock it over. then help him build it back up. They also like cars, trucks and trains, but enjoy pushing them around instead of watching them operate on batteries. Build a train track with him and show him how to push the train around. Get a big ball and push it to him, telling him to catch it. Then show him how to push it back, not throw it. But limit the play time with him to 15 or 20 minutes. Show him how to play, play with him and then throw in a load of wash.
Most of all find time to do something just for you!!

We ALL have these days!! You are not alone! And at least you are aware of the fact that you are not always present to your son. We can't always be present to our kids, so give yourself a little bit of a break, but know that the gift of being present is the best one you can ever give TO your child!! I think setting a time table for those things like cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc will help - allow 10 min to do a quick cleaning here and there, and most of all know that NO ONE has a clean house all day long when they have kids. AND like you said, being present for your child is what will shape and mold them, not having the most immaculate house on the block and a stressed out, worn out mom!!
AND just because you stay at home doesn't mean you have to stay at home!! Get out with your son. Just go to a McD's or Burger King playground for an hour. Walk around the mall, but try to get out at least 2 days a week to break up the week! and JOIN A MOMS CLUB!! find a local meetup (www.meetups.com) and go to playdates and commiserate with other moms, but also share the joys of motherhood with them too! good luck...and remember this time of year it always harder to get out and "feel" better, so it feels like more work!!!

schedule everything....it sounds silly, but it works...you have to schedule when/what you are going to clean/do...I used to be a neat freak..everything in it's place...then I had 5 boys(6 counting the one I married :) and guess what I CAN'T do it all...I schedule when we are going to go do things for them, when we are doing errands and when I am doing things for me...teach your child NOW that chores are a part of life....my 2 year old clears the table, "helps" make his bed, sort and fold laundry and put his clothes away...he also has his own broom to help while I am cleaning...let some things go...unload the dishwasher in the am while the lil ones eating breakfast and load as you go all day...then only run it after dinner...and ignore the rest til the next am...lil ways to cut corners...give your son a swifer and let him do the dusting...he'll love that! and I agree with the idea of joining a mom's group and go to the local story hours...library, Barnes and Noble, Pottery Barn Kids, Borders...all have weekly story hours...find one or two you like and go on a regular basis to break up the day! and remember we all go through this!

HI,

I have been home now for 6 1/2 years. I love it. Not everybody is cut out to be a stay at home mom. My sister isn't.

Try and keep a schedule as much as you can. 20 month olds can benefit for some independant play some of the time. However, left to their own devices too long is just asking for trouble. Laudry and house work can always be put on hold. Not indefinately but certainly for 20 minutes to play or go for a walk. When you do go for a walk, let him walk and explore. I would take my kids around the block after lunch and before nap to let them exercise a little and be really ready for that 1:00 nap. They I would go back to the laudry or dishes. Or I would veg out in front of the TV or talk to friends on the phone. Even take a nap yourself. Don't for get to take time to do fun things for yourself as well. Try to take time everyday to do something fun. You can't always but if you try than it will happen more often thany not.

Write if you need more ideas to keep him occupied.

D. V

Hi A.
First and foremost check with the MD and make sure you are not having a real medical problem that MD can keep from getting worse. Really it sounds like you are simply overwhelmed with the stuff of being homemaker and mom.
The best advice I got was to get all the work done as fast as possible. I tried to do that after mine went to bed at night. Then the day started with a "clean" house. Vacuumed after breakfast and the rest of the day, I planned as a preschool. At 2 we started singing songs, coloring, playdough, band, blocks, stories, puzzles, and whatever else you think of. If you want to bake it is part of that day. All preschools have down time. I simply read stories then because mine stopped napping and since some of mine weren't sleeping well, napping was not a priority. We put one thing away before getting out the next. Hubby got home and took over, and I could then get supper, and we began again. Shopping was an adventure, not something that I dragged them to do, but a planned activity for them. The mall had a playyard and we played, then I ran and got ________ so we could go back and play.
Parenting is a mind set, that your child's growth, health and education is of utmost importance and you are always teaching them. You are you know. They will parent your grandchildren the way you parented them. That is the way my mom parented me, so I don't know where she heard it except perhaps her mom.
Old enough to be your mom, talk to your mom. She may have some great stories to share. Some will give you ideas of what to do and others what not to do.
God bless you and give you peace
K. SAHM married 38 years, adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer whose married with 4 month old, and twins 18 and in college one for fine arts and one for journalism after homeschooling.

I feel the same way, get into a schedule it helps. For example, Sun afternoon I do nothing and rest, the same on Mon and Tues. When she naps I do or do things for myself. Then I do some light cleaning on Wed and laundry, Thurs clean the down stairs, Fri upstairs and the bathrooms. Sat laundry and sheets. It does feel like that is all I am doing, but the other days its great to take a break. I sometimes give her a bottle and take a bath next to her, or check my e-mail There are lots of ways, find what works for you, but take a day or two and not clean it is the best thing I did. I just don't do it, it was hard at first, but I really need the break, that is more important I think. Good luck.

You may want to try meetup.com - this is a website that you can find another mom's group or playgroup for you and your son. It may give you some new ideas or suggestions. Also - if you have family around locally, try to get them to watch your son for even 1 hour while you get some cleaning done. Make a list and divide the tasks around a whole week. But most importantly make sure you are making time for yourself - or you will easily get burnt out. Good Luck!

Well Does your son like music, Play the radio or a fun CD and dance with him. Give him a rag and show him how to dust and have him help you. Get an aqua doodle and draw with him. It is only water so who cares if he colors himself or half of the house. You could also give him a play paint brush dampen it and let him paint a piece of colored paper with it. Have him help put clothes in the machine, it is the only time he can throw things in a hole; however, be careful put the clothes in with no water so he does not confuse the tolet for a washing machine. Let him dump in the soap(help him of course) Buy him a little vaccuum so he can vaccuum when you do. When you cook have him help even if it is opening the box, putting a fork on the table, etc. If you have a sterdy door frame and you do not care put in some hooks and put up a swing for him to swing while you sing and clean. buy a small basket for him to carry some clothes to a dresser so you can put it away. give him some wash clothes to fold, he will do a bad job but that is ok, you can fix it after you finish all the rest. That is how I spent time with my boys when I had to clean, then when you are done you can do fun stuff like go for walks, play in the tub, Play on the floor with favorite toys, or wrestle.

I hope this was helpful.

Hi A.,
I have two kids - one now 8 and the other now 6 - and I remember those days well. I'd suggest you sign up for a Kindermusik class. You'll get a really high-quality program for your son that will stimulate him, you'll meet other moms with children of the same age, and each child enrolled in a Kindermusik class receives a great set of at-home materials that he can play with at home. Plus, Kindermusik educators know a lot about early childhood development and are great for answering your questions and just generally have a lot of tips on how to make parenting easier. You can search for the one closest to you on kindermusik.com. Look for the class locator tool.

Take him out of the house! Take him everywhere! Join mom groups, so he can have playdates and you can talk to adults. If there isn't one near you, start your own! (I did this, because I didn't feel connected to the moms in the one group near us.)

Some cool ideas for toddlers:
-finger paint (he can do this on the kitchen table while you do dishes), but put down wax paper or newspaper first!

-playdough

-drawing

-drums

-"organizing" your cupboards

-Music Together or Gymboree (look them up online- awesome classes)

-join the YMCA, and take your son to the open kids' gym and the pool

-play different types of music, and drum along with it

-big legos- have him build you something cool

-buy him a child's tool belt, and ask him to fix something for you.

Give a little of that housework up. What's more important- a spotless house or a happy mama and baby? Laundry and dishes have to get done, but I've learned to let go of some of the other stuff this year. :)

Finally, take one night a week for yourself. And at least one morning or afternoon on the weekend. Take a class, meet a friend for coffee, go to the bookstore, get a pedicure, read the newspaper at Starbucks, etc. Enjoy the freedom of being you, without a baby to define you for that short period of time.

Being a mom is my favorite thing in the whole universe, but I am a MUCH better mom when I get this time to myself.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling that way. If you have the means, I'd suggest some counseling (with in-network insurance it's only your copay every week). It really helps to talk to someone when you feel this way (especially someone who specializes in women's issues). Also, keep in mind that it's not forever. Even a few months will work wonders.

Also, try to get out more. Go to free library classes or join mom groups (look them up in your area on Yahoo). Go to the bookstore and let the little guy run around and burn off some energy. And if the weather is ok, bundle him up and go outside for a 1/2 hour. The fresh air will do you both good.

Forget the housework - enjoy being a mommy!

Definitely the weather doesn't help. You gotta be able to get out a bit... to the library, the dollar store, something. Moreover, look into hands on creative activities such as finger painting, clay, water painting, etc. This will help your son developmentally and it will help lift your depression b/c its something creative and fun with its own little 'accomplishment' in the end (that's not just clean laundry, etc.). Try to read silly books and act the silly parts (he'll laugh, you'll laugh at yourself and you'll laugh more cz he's laughing), such as the animals sounds that correspond, showing him what a frown looks like and all kinds of silly faces and sounds. Best wishes, N