Total Fits of RAGE from My 3 Year Old upon Me Arriving Home

While I do believe that she needs to be punished for behaving this way, I also believe there might be an easy fix. YOU pick her up from daycare at least half the time. She's punishing you because she doesn't understand why you don't pick her up. I wouldn't do a complete switch. Just do it sometimes and see if it helps. After that, you can continue to work on her behavior when it comes up for other things.

Wow people are quick to punish and punish and punish hard, (your child is emotionally very upset, maybe you could try the ice cold shower method to teach her that her feelings are bad!) Are you leaving something out of your question? You've punished her but have you tried to figure out what she is expressing? What have you asked her and what has she said? How verbal is she? Have you tried asking her why she is mad? Maybe talk to her at bedtime or in the AM when she is calm. If she cant give you a reason start asking more explicit questions. My guess is she is mad at you for being away from her all day. Talk to her about that , it's OK to feel angry but not to hit and scream. Read books about children who's mothers work,and see if that starts a conversation. Read "the Way I'm Feeling" and teach her words like angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad, etc and model expressing how you feel about things. If you are driving and bothered by another motorist say things like " that drive is making me SO mad! I can't believe..." If you and your hubby argue tell her Daddy and I are not agreeing on something, we love each a lot but boy right now we are feeling like yelling at each other" My daughter did that when I took her to daycare yours is just reacting at the end of the day. Is your goal to punish her until she stops expressing her feelings or is your goal to teach her to express her feelings in an appropriate way? Here is a list of books to get discussions going
LLama, llama misses Mama by Anna Dewdney
The Kissing Hand by A. Penn
I Love you all day long by F. Rusackas
Mommy Brings Home the Bacon by Nikki Mark (funny -child tries to imagine what mom does all day)
Mr. Rogers books are always super great! He really knew how to talk to kids he has one about Going to Daycare
Hope these help your little one
When I miss you by Spelman

I've been reading the book Touchpoints, which really gives good insight into a child's emotions as they develop. What the author says about this kind of thing is that the child has spent all day following the rules and doing her routine for daycare etc., and when she sees the mother (or father, depending on attachment) she breaks down because she can finally relax and let herself be free in a way. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I'd definitely check out the book.

I would not add angry punishments to her tantrums; rather just try to give her a warm welcome, then ignore any tantrums -- when my son does this we tell him calmly that we are leaving the room and that we can't talk to him until he is calm. Then we leave the room (if he's safe - if not we move him to a safe spot in the living room) and don't speak to him or make eye contact until he's ready to stop screaming. In my experience trying to reason with a kid in a tantrum just makes it worse for both of us. Tantrums are MUCH shorter now, for my son anyway. All kids are different.

Sounds like toddlers I've known in the past, and my own at times, who are actually mad at you because they miss you so much.

I would try a different routine for your arrival--maybe your husband could keep her busy doing something so it breaks up the routine of you appearing at the door and interrupting everything. I have no idea if this would be easier for her or harder--it's just an idea....maybe you could call on your way home and have your husband take her to the bathroom, or wherever away from the drama of your arrival. And you get inside and just sit on the couch and start a movie for her or start getting a game or tea party ready for her.
Maybe you could pick her up from daycare sometimes, even if it means she's there a little bit longer.
I think that punishing a child damages your relationship. Relationships with a child are not so different from relationships with an adult. Hitting and isolating does not make for happy relationships that last. Show her better ways to be by being better yourself.

If this happens, as you write, "every single time" you come home from work, it's crystal clear she's telling you she has some kind of problem with that moment in her day. She could be showing you, as you say, that she's angry you are not there all day; or that you have just interrupted the schedule of her day she keeps in her own little head (kids have their own very firm ideas of "what should be happening right now" and maybe your arrival somehow upsets that for her); or that you "did something" (or didn't do something) in her mind. You can't read her mind. I would not get all fixated on "What did or didn't I do to make her like this."

So think hard: Does she come home from day care with dad hungry? Has she had her last snack several hours before pickup so the moment you walk in the door she's melting down from a blood sugar crash? Then have Dad hand her a healthy snack in the car as they drive home--a cheese stick, whole wheat crackers, etc. Or is she in mid-activity when you pull up? Is she usually playing with Dad, or does she run right to her toys when she and he get in, or she's watching her one favorite TV show, and you're interrupting that? (Don't be fooled by the "Yay, mommy's home," she may be saying that kind of automatically before she realizes, mommy's interrupting me.) There could be many tiny factors in the daycare pickup/snack schedule/activity schedule/need for more down time than daycare allows that you and your husband and the day care provider should sit down and pick apart to see if there are additional factors. She may be profoundly tired by the time you walk in and taking that out on you.

She has no business hitting and pushing you, of course. I don't think spanking can teach her "Don't hit mommy" because frankly spanking is striking her in order to teach her not to strike others. But rather than punishment when she lashes out, try turning around and leaving silently and instantly.

She is getting a lot of what's called "negative attention" when she lashes out -- and with kids this age, even the negative attention of being punished IS a form of attention and they will learn to do things to get that attention. So take away that attention -- yes, take away the attention that comes with punishing her and reacting so strongly to her! Your strong reactions (and your husband's, I assume) are a form of attention to her right now, which may be why she keeps repeating the behavior.

You will shake her up a bit if as soon as you say your big smiley "Hello," and she screams and swings at you, you immediately, quietly say, "I'm sorry you're choosing to yell at mommy," and instantly walk back out the door. Shut it behind you. You and your husband will have to see what happens --She might be struck silent, she might burst into tears that she has upset mommy, she might get more angry instead. Go on those cues. Your husband shouldn't cuddle and coddle her at that exact moment; let her have her time to react. He too could try being silent and calm. After maybe two minutes (no more, time is an eternity to kids this age), try knocking on the door but don't open it yourself. Your husband can say, I think that's mommy. Are you ready to try again and open the door for her? See how she reacts. She might well be contrite and want to open the door. She might open it and lash out at you for leaving (in which case I'd say "I'm going to try again and see if we can start over.").

This could take some trial and error but if she's otherwise a pretty sweet kid, you may find that the shock of your turning around and leaving stops her cold. I definitely do NOT mean, make her think you're gone for good, stay away for a long time, use statements like "You drove mommy away!" etc. No! I mean, make clear to her that you are not going to give her any attention for lashing out and neither is your husband. Keep it cool and collected. Don't make any statements like "I won't come home if you act like this" -- kids take those things very literally!

You are naturally punishing her, which would be any parent's initial reaction, but consider trying withdrawing all your reactions to the behavior other than a very calm but very swift departure and a "let's try agaiin" approach. It may take more than one time for this to have an effect. And meanwhile think through her day care day, her tiredness level, the hunger factor, etc.

While your daughter's tantrums seem really extreme, she's exhibiting a classic reaction to missing you badly. This reminds me of a time my younger sister got lost in a new neighborhood. Hours later, when a nice policeman brought her home, my mom smiled gratefully until the door closed. Then she lit into my sister, shrieking, crying, slapping – it was horrifying to watch as a 7yo big sister. My mother (a narcissistic and immature woman to this day) was doing EXACTLY what your daughter is doing, expressing rage and fear and loss and love, all tangled up together, over a situation she could not control.

Three year olds are known for being narcissistic and immature. They simply can't help it. Her universe still revolves around her own needs, and she's feeling a very strong need for you when you're not there. She feels helpless, and angry about not being able to change her circumstances. But you can help nudge her toward some new thoughts that will help her deal better with her feelings during her long, mommyless days.

Talk to her when you have a day together and she's in a good mood. Mention that you notice how angry she acts when you come home. Ask her to tell you what that's about. Most children this age will not be able to say very much about their feelings, so you will probably have to draw her out a bit.

You could ask if she has fun at daycare (she'll probably say yes). And sometimes at daycare, does she feel tired and miss Mommy? Does she wish you could come and get her right then? (She'll probably say yes again.) This is your chance to help her build a new emotional structure to hang her feelings on. Assure her that you think about her, and wish that you had a magic clock that would let you leave work RIGHT THEN and come pick her up. Tell her you really want to make the day go faster, but the day will only go as fast as it does. You wish so much you could be playing with your little girl instead of doing what your boss wants you to do. Wouldn't it be so happy if we could do that? (Get her thinking "happy.")

"So, what can we do so you can have some of that 'happy,' even if Mommy can't come pick you up? Let's think of some ideas!" Here, you want to get one of her crayons and a big sheet of paper, and write down all of your ideas together. This is brainstorming, so write down even the impractical ones, like "Mommy could stay with me every day." Include your own ideas, like "We can send a little book of photos to daycare with you, and when you are missing Mommy, you can open the book and look at happy pictures of you and me together." Both you and your daughter will probably have ideas that are more specific to your lives.

When you've written down all the ideas, go through the list and pick out a few that can actually happen. These should include respecting your daughter's feelings and need to express them. One idea might be that she has X minutes when you get home to tell you how mad she feels. Give her words to say that you can agree with, like, "I was so sad at daycare before Daddy got me. I wanted you to come, and I felt mad that you didn't!" She can't help having those feelings, but she can learn to express them in less negative ways.

You can find additional tips in two wonderful books: The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. These books recognize that you can't punish negative feelings out of a child but that kids will do much better if you help guide their feelings into more positive channels, and also that the child herself can be an essential part of the problem-solving team.

OMG, I have no answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that I could've written this WORD FOR WORD about my 3yo son. We are dealing with the exact same thing.

I'll be watching this for suggestions!

I agree completely with Peg. Your daughter misses you, is so glad to see you, and then unleashes on you for leaving in the first place. Her emotions are much stronger than her ability to control them.

Instead of you coming in the house, how about your husband and daughter coming out to greet you in the driveway? Or even down the block? You could hop out, your husband could hop in and drive home, and you and your daughter could stroll home chatting about her day. Holding hands. (Can you hear the birds singing?) - but really, I think a change of routine/scenery is in order here. She's fallen into a tough pattern and so have you and your husband. Change up your "I'm home" routine and see if that helps.

i think kids that age go through that phase....i remember my son flipping out when i got home but hed be fine when i dropped him off to school....

Unfortunately, she is in the "Trying 3" stage. I think it's "Terrible 2's", "Trying 3's", I'm unsure what 4 is and then "Fabulous 5's". My daughter is in the same boat. She turned 3 in March and she has definitely gotten worse than when she was in the "Terrible 2" stage.

Time outs do work, as long as they are consistent, but I think the girls are right on here. When you leave & go to work, she probably feels like she is being left behind. How long has she been in daycare? If she just started going, it will take a bit for her to get used to. Does she like daycare? If she doesn't, she could be releasing her anger on you. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, but remember it is a phase she is going through right now so it just may take awhile. Tantrums happen because it's the only way a toddler/kid can release anger. If they get the attention (time outs, mommy/daddy hugging them, etc) they will continue to do it. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. I'm not saying to stop time outs. If she is hitting, then yes a time out needs to be given. But if she is just throwing a tantrum for the heck of it, I would leave her go and ignore her for awhile. We have done this with our 3 year old and she eventually stops. She understands she either won't get her way or she'll get over it.

Remember, she isn't getting hurt. Unfortunately, we parents just have to deal with it.

Good luck!!!!

Hi Mom Of One, Children should nevwer be allowed to show that kind of disrespect to their parents, if she was fine a nd happy before you walked through the door she is fine once you walk in the door and she is playing you, trust me I KNOW I have been a mom for 27 years and we had a no tantrum policy in our home, and I am happy to say we raised 3 kids and NO tantrums.. You mentioned punishment, that's the problem, that type of behavior needs discipline not punishmnet. Over the past 14 years I have been doing daycare I have had many children have a great fun filled day an then as soon as mom walks in they totally change, and I believe they do so cause they can, there is usually no consequences because mom hasn't seen the child all day, so the baby and pamper. Pampering has it's places but NOT during or for bad behavior. Your daughter doesn't want to be left, so she is acting out when you get home. J.