Torn Between Family Matters

Your mom gut is screaming........"remove your kids now"! Follow that gut.
It is all negative energy and if your mom wants to partake in that and forgive & forget, that's great, doesn't mean you have to.

Follow your instincts and remove your kids. When your mom asks why or says you are ridiculous, tell her, "mom, I want no part of her and she is your daughter, so I understand why you do want a part of her, but I cannot subject my children to her so I won't be bringing them by anymore. Please come visit me when you get the chance. Good luck.

I would discontinue the overnights at grandma's. Your sister sounds unstable. Your mom might be choosing your sister over you, but you NEED to choose your own kids' safety over your mother's feelings.

Never allow your children to be around someone who doesn't love you or want to be around you.

Uh......no.
You know as I was reading I was leaning toward "forgive and forget". "Move forrward" "patch things up" etc.

Then I got to the part: "and my sister has told my mom that she hopes I don't ever show up there" and I pulled a 180.

Your mom is in denial of the severity of the situation maybe and probably wants to mend fences with her.

But you need to put the safety of your kids first, and given the vagueness of your reasons and her specific "bad influence" I suspect alcohol, drugs, etc. and if thats in the ballpark, you don't want your kids around that!

Sorry, people who threaten and hurt my family are not allowed to have unsupervised access to my kids. Nobody could talk me out of that. If something were to happen, "I am so sorry..." just would not cut it. If your sis still has a problem with you, and it's sounds like she does, she should not be around your kids. Your mom can come to your house.

if you and your children were PHYSICALLY harmed by her AND it's obvious she hasn't changed - my answer would be no.

I personally wouldn't put my kids in that situation. Especially since my mom thinks I am overreacting and be ridiculous

I don't know the age of your children - they may be old enough to handle themselves...they may not be....do you really want to put them in the situation to defend themselves or you? If the answer is no - then looks like your mom will have to start coming to your home if she wants to see the grandkids.

Yes. It sucks. Yes. It's a hard line to tow. However, if she hasn't changed - then you need to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

Sounds like they should be skipping visit with grandma for a while. If the sister is as bad as you say, there is NO way that I would allow my children to be around her period... If your Mom cannot give you the information that you ask for regarding this situation, then she cannot spend time with your kids...simple as that.

I would say that if your mom is not willing to budge and won't let you know that your sister and her kids are going to be there, then you just don't let them over there (alone) until she's willing to give you that courtesy. Sorry you have to deal with this! :(

I would not take my children over there if there was a chance that your sister was going to be there. Your mom would have to see them a different time.

Well I would NEVER let my child around an aunt who has threatened to hurt them. Your mom should respect you and have the curtosy to call you when they are there as you requested. I would be upset with your mother. It is fine that she has mended the relationship with your sister, you don't have to like it, you don't have to do it yourself but you do have to watch over and protect your kids. What would happen if you sent your children there and something did happen? You would never forgive yourself. Sometimes when I have a hard situation like this I ask myself if my child was in this situation what would I tell her to do? Then I know what the right thing to do is. Your mom will deal, eventually miss your kids and then respect you and have your sisters children over when your children are not there. I am sort this is happening and I know it must hurt. Hang in there. xoxo

I think that you know what you need to do. You need to stop letting your children sleep over at your mothers every weekend. If your mother misses this then she will have to comply with what you ask. If not, no sleepovers. Make it as easy as that. No drama just simple and matter of fact. And if she betrays you just one time then no more sleepovers at all. No matter how nice it is for you to have a 'free night' your kid's saftey is more important.

No more overnights. You can't trust your mother either. And she needs to understand you mean business. If your sister is potentially dangerous, then keep your children away. If your mother is disrespecting you, you don't need to put up with it. If she gets all huffy about it - tell her choices have consequences, and she is making her choices so she's going to have to deal with the consequences. She can come to YOUR house to see her grandbabies whenever she wants.

I looked at your profile, you are an RN, so youalready know the answer. You also know your sister is mentally ill and needs help. As a part of the medical community you have access to doctors and other professionals who can help and advise you. Seek help for your sister and possibly your Mom. Do the difficult thing, you know it is what is best for your family.

Ummmm do not let the kids spend any more overnights with grandma until the situation straightens out.

If she refuses to respect your wishes I would not trust her with my kids alone. JMO

Mom's have a hard time when it comes to choosing between their children.

I would say that you have let your wishes be known. It's time to decide how rigid you are going to be.

People grow and change. My daughter is a prime example of that. She graduated from rehab a year ago and is doing great! I can even stand to be around her for about 12-24 hours at a time now, any more than that and our tempers start to show.

My point is that spending some time with sister at mom's house, sort of a neutral place where mom can see if sister is acting incorrectly, might show mom that sister is not what she is pretending to be. On the other hand you might find that she has grown up and made some changes in her life.

Either way, the kids are not with sister unsupervised for any length of time and you are able to get a chance to see if sister has changed.

No question - you can't let your kids go over to your mom's anymore. Sucks but an absolute. Not even like your sister is trying to make amends! That'd still be questionable given past threats - very different than just bad family relations - but she doesn't even want to see you. I'd never put my kids with someone like her.

Unless your sister and her kids are living with your mom -- surely there are times when sister is not at mom's?

That's when you go. Period. I would not have my kids around her. If your mom is guilting you with stuff like, "But the cousins should all play together etc," well, that's hogwash. Just smile and tell your mom that the kids' schedules for school/activities/whatever have changed.

Don't expect your mom to do anything like ask sister and her kids over at another time different from your usual time with mom. Mom is clearly not going to do that and might even try a passive-aggressive move like inviting you over and then inviting sis and kids, and letting the fur fly between you and your sister.

I would be concerned, if I were you, about your mom and whether your sister is establishing some control over her. It sounds as if your mom may be grieving this death in the family, and sister has stepped back into mom's life at a time of need, so mom feels grateful and is falling on sister's shoulder, so to speak. Your sister may be manipulating your mom. You don't give enough background here for me to know for certain but....is it possible that sister is ingratiating herself and her kids with your mom, at a time when she knows your mom is vulnerable and craving reconciliation? Could your sister be doing this for ulterior motives of some sort -- getting money from mom? Revenge on you? ("I have mom now and you don't!") It's something to consider. If you think that's what's happening, you may need to enlist the help of other siblings or other relatives whom your mom trusts, to sound out what sister may be trying to get your mom to do for her. If you ask, your mom is going to brush it off as you being suspicious and jealous of your sister.

Meanwhile, no, don't let your kids go over when she and/or her kids are there.

"my sister that has children of her own has previously threatened to hurt both me, my children, and my mom in a very serious matter" you are asking if you child should be around her? NO WAY! NEVER! Protect your kids! Figure out another time your kids can spent time with Grandma. May be Grandma comes over to your house. Where you have more control.

UGH! i'm in a similar situation with a toxic family member.

thank GOD my family respects our side of the situation and at least works with us somewhat.

i would honestly tell your mom that (as hard as it is) she needs to respect your feelings on this, or she won't be able to see the kids except at your house.

i'm sorry, but toxic is toxic and while i understand her wanting to fix things with her child - it is NOT her call what your children are exposed to. this would be a deal breaker for me, i'm so sorry. it would also break my heart to have to have this conversation with my mom :(

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Families are meant to be "safe" places both for adults and for kids. That being said knowing what you know about your sister, you are right to be cautious and make her prove she's changed. I've been a mom for over 20 years and I can honestly say that only once (out of dozens of times!) have i had a creepy feeling or 6th sense about someone or something and had it not be bad. If you have a feeling this isn't good for your kids, DON'T let them go to your mom's without you. Just say "mom, I've asked you to give me a courtesy call when my sister is going to be there. These are my kids and I/We have decided we aren't ready to have her be around the kids like this. If you refuse to respect my wishes then my kids will only be allowed in your home when I am there." And leave it! if your mom really loves you and your kids she will comply. If not, don't be disprespectful or any thing, just stand your position and only go over there when you can stay. This may be hard for you because I know babysitters are hard to come by, but where there's a will there's a way. God gave you instinct for a reason and many many times my kids have avoided harm because I've acted on that. Please protect your kids. they are only kids once and for such a very short time.
Best wishes,
K.

You need to have a sit down with your Mom. Explain to her that you understand that she wants to have a relationship with her daughter and grandkids and you respect that. However, you need to stress to your mom that she should have the same respect for you and your children. You do not wish for your kids to be around your sister. Period, end of story. If your mom doesn't understand that she should not be allowed to be with your kids unless its at your home. Respect goes both ways.

When you say HURT, do you mean physically or your feelings were hurt?

If your mom can respect your sister's wishes, she can respect yours. If not, then your mom can come to your house to see them.