Too Old Too Soon

Updated on January 08, 2010
J.K. asks from Spring, TX
4 answers

I really need some help with my 12 almost 13 year old daughter. Lately I feel like I am going to completley loose her at any moment.I guess some back story is in order. I am the mom of 2 amazingly beautiful girls one 12 and the other 20 months. Up until 4 years ago it was primarily just me and my daughter. I worked an incredible amount of hours to provide for the two of us and as a result it was much easier for her to "get away" with something with the person who was watching her or to break me down and get what she wanted anyway because I was too tired to fight or didn't want the little time that we had together to be a battle. She has always been VERY independent and because it was the two of us she has also been very mature for her age mentally.( she wasn't in childcare and was around mainly adults as a child.) Five years ago I met my husband. Our relationship was a bit of a whirlwind in her eyes because I kept romantic social life completely isolated from her until I was absolutely certain he was the one. Since getting married we have another little girl. I have gotten the opportunity to be a stay at home mom too. Which we thought would help both the baby and my eldest in adapting to the changes. My eldest was not receptive at all to my husband or the new baby. She didn't even touch her or really acknowledge her existence until she was 6 months old. She has come around with the baby but not my husband. As a result my husband does not discipline her much, mostly at my request to grow their relationship rather than cause her to dislike him even more. As a result her discipline is again left solely to me. As she is getting older I feel like she is moving more and more away from me and that the more I discipline her the worse it gets. I don't know if it is simply because she isn't used to me being here as much or if it is just part of become a teenager. She argues with me constantly, she contradicts and questions me daily.

Recently she has gotten her first boyfriend and here is where the chaos of relationship has really started to show. The first issue was that she wanted to go on a "date" with him that would consist of the 2 of them and his older, 15 year old, sister and her boyfriend to the movies. I told her no. I don't feel that 12 years old is an appropriate age to go to movie dates with or really date at all. I explained to her I wasn't going to tell her she couldn't have a boyfriend but that they could only go to group things in which a large group of friends got together and they just happened to both be there. Then this week she asked to spend the night at his cousin's house, a girlfriend of hers that she knew before she knew the boy. I said ok until she told me that the cousin lives with the boy and his family. I then told her no. She doesn't understand why she can't go see her girlfriend and spend the night even though he lives there.

I am completely at my wits end. I have no idea how to continue to help guide her and show her what's right and wrong without pushing her to a point where she lies to me and rebels to get away with what she wants to do. Please if you have a teen or have had experience raising an independent teen help!!!!! I don't want to loose my baby girl she is so precious to me.

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A.W.

answers from Houston on

Explain to her why it is not appropriate for her to stay at their house. She is old enough to understand, she is becoming a teenager! Let her invite the girl over for a sleepover at your house instead.. Also, she probably needs more one on one time with you. It might be hard with a little one and will be more so once the third arrives, but make time ~ a mom and daughter date, take her to the movies, to the mall, to get ice cream.. something where it is just you and her. Try to do that at least once a month, every two weeks if you can manage the time. Tell her that you're sorry that she had to grow up so fast and that you only want what is best for her. Sometimes, just talking to her when you're not in the middle of a battle will help.
Best of luck to you! =)

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K.Z.

answers from Houston on

Lay down the rules and stand strong through the heat. Your husband, her stepdad (no not her Dad, but he is an adult who is married to you)does need to discipline. She won't like it but will like the guidelines.
When you tell her no, let her know why. She doesn't have to agree but she is your daughter.
I would say no to the staying at the girlfriends where the boyfriend was living. Explain to her it may alittle too excessable to the boyfriend and could lead to adult events. Have you talked to the parents/relatives of the girlfriend? Can you flip it and have the girlfriend stay at your house? Give them a girls privacy night. She is definitely becoming a teen.

R.G.

answers from Houston on

Try reading "Raising Great Teens" by Dr. Ray Guarendi. He's a child psychologist and the father to 10 adopted kids so he knows what he is talking about and he approaches everything with great humor and understanding. I love his books and highly recommend them to you for finding ideas to reach your 12 year old.

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J.S.

answers from Houston on

Its great you are addressing this and you got good advice so far on including her stepfather. But OH MY GOSH, 12 is too young for a boyfriend. You don't say how old the boy is, but pre teens are too young to deal with the emotions o dating, especially with an older couple that might not provide a good example. Its not going to easier with another child on the way, so try to address this now. Have you thought about church youth activities where the kids meet in a group?
Best of luck

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