Too Much Empathy

In my opinion this will teache her the resolution when things are sad. My daughter was like this a few months ago and she is still empathetic, but not to the extreme she was then. Remember that when children learn something new (even feelings) they take it to the extreme until the learn how to moderate it. I think that as long as you are reassuring her it is the perfect way to teach her the moderation that she needs. Do not discourage the empathy, I think that we have too little of that in our culture today.

I think your daughter is just responding to her developing emotions, and every child develops them in their own unique way.It doesn't sound like it is too much empathy, just her own level, that is different from yours. I have 3 children, and 2 of them (girls) were like that. At that age, they can't understand reason, and even if there is a happy ending it doesn't justify the means. We took it upon ourselves ( my husband and I) to choose stories and media that were appropiate for them, and took great pains to avoid the rest. Which meant that when they got a little older, they didn't watch Disney animations , because there is always a villain, and traditional fairy tales were out. We did this well into elementary school, until they could handle it. Sometimes in school they would show a video, like a disney one, and she would have nightmares for 2 weeks! It suprises me sometimes how the makers of children's media thinks violence is entertaining. Put away the monkey book and find something else. We always enjoyed 'Little Bear', try that one. There are plenty of appropiate things out there.

I don't think you can avoid some situations. I mean as she grows older and bumps herself, she'll understand how the little monkey felt, and then you can comfort her and also smile and say "just like the little monkey". We can't shield the kids from all minor accidents. Or major, for that matter.

Don't sweat too much about it Kel. We as parents can only do our best and sometimes we just don't know the answers. We can only imagine being inthe kids' shoes and how much 'sheltering' would be good, how much exposure is good. Five Little Monkies is nowhere NEAR being violent like Rambo. I'm sure you'll do what you feel is well balanced. It's maternal instinct.

Kelli,

It sounds like your daughter is very intelligent that she is relating to the characters in the books so closely. She is probably very sensitive, which isn't a bad thing. Too many young people are not sensitive to the feelings of others these days and the fact that she has an early start is probably a reflection of the time you spend with her. I don't think five little monkeys is a violent story or inappropriate for her age, but as you said, you really do need to take the time to explain to her that all is okay in monkey land and continue on to the end of the story. Because of her sensitivity she may require you spend more time reassuring her about the things that are disturbing to her but by all means, talk to her. I don't think she is too young to try and explain these things to. Communication is key in building a close relationship with your kids and helps keep those lines open when they become teenagers. It's never to early to start reinforcing those bonds.

S.

K.,

As a therapist who works with children, I think you are doing a great job! Keep it up!

K.

My daughter was exactly as you describe yours to be. She would, without fail, cry at certain parts of books, empathizing with the characters (even books like Hop on Pop). I would just comfort her when she was sad and show her the positive side (or lesson to be learned) if the situation warranted it.

She is now almost 5 and is still empathetic, but is able to process her emotions differently. She finds it silly that she used to cry at parts of Hop on Pop (I point it out to her with a smile). However, she still will easily cry at other things (frustration, anger, sadness). I think she will always be emotional and empathetic -its just part of her nature.

From a social worker's perspective, this is one of the best qualities a person can have. With it brings understanding and kindness.

I really think your current approach is wonderful. She understands way beyond her ability to communicate, so talking her through it is smart.

Sounds like you're handling it well. I would keep reading everything, and know she's sensitive so avoid the news on TV or other things that may cause unnecessary anxiety until she's mature enough... like a teenager!

She absolutely needs to be exposed to the reality of life. Children are so smart and even when we try to protect them they know something isn't quite right. For example if you are crying and then force a smile and tell her everything is fine... she is confused because she can see that what you are saying does not match what she sees.
It is okay for her to get upset. And instead of trying to "fix" her upset, help her to release the upset and heal from it. Stay close to her, hold her or touch her, holding her hand etc. while she cries about it... and give her empathy. Let her be normal and okay for being sad about these things. "yes, he does look hurt, I can see you look sad seeing the monkey in pain."... then give her some space and silence to either respond with words or tears...whatever she has in her. Don't feel as though you need to Stop the crying. Just be with her through it. You can express that to her, i know it is hard to see others hurting you're doing a great job getting through it. I'll stay right here with you until you feel better.

I teach connection parenting which is the method these tools are based on. Feel free to contact me if you have other questions or if you try it and get a result you are unsure of. Anytime... really... this is my passion!
Take care

K., perhaps your daughter will be a great artist someday because of her sensitivity. The truth is, we cannot shield our children from all the harsh realities of the world. We must prepare them in the right way. You have been a careful, aware mother and I would suggest that you continue on the common sense path you've taken: Don't avoid things that occur in life that may be unpleasant. By being at her side and gently explaining things to her, you are establishing important skills for coping with difficult circumstances. We all have stories of the tough times our grandparents had coming over to America ..... can you imagine a youngster arriving in New York from the Old World by himself or herself? It has happened. And we hope that our children will always face the future with confidence and hope.

Good luck.

Hi K.,

I understand what you are going through. My 3 1/2 year old is like that still. He was like that at your girls age too.( Not to say that your girl will still be like that) We can't read any disney books with the villan's in it. He cried watching mickey mouse because of the "bad"guy in it. I have no advice for you because nothing seems to change it with us, but I would love to hear what others say.

Hi K., wow, ever heard of Tag, advanced program for gifted children. This may be her, the peds Dr.s say it's time to discipline children when they learn empathy, usually at 2 1/2, or 3 yr of age, when I look back, and think how violent the old school cartoon we watched as siblings, then all the vilence of today scary. It will be a challenge to look for books, with no bad things happening to a character. Does she show other signs of being gifted? At my daughters 1 yr check up, her doctor announced that she was showing signs of being gifted, just by saying more than 15, 20 words, apparently the average is 3. Just keep reassuring her, and search for books with a happy theme. Best of luck to you and your little author. B.

Hello. My name is M.. I am a mom of 3 and a licensed daycare provider. Keep doing what you are doing. You sound like a great mom. She is not too young to try and explain things to her as long as you do it at her level. Shes not responding any different than your typical 15 month old. Your doing great. Keep up the good work. M..