Too Angry

I didn't have any anger with the first child. Once the second one arrived, I did. And, now with the third, lots.

I think it's a matter of not being able to keep the house clean or organized (not even close!), having no me time, little time to eat, and sacrificed sleep, though I do sleep when they sleep at night so I get plenty I suppose.

What helped was getting out of the house, joining park district programs. We go somewhere once or twice a day. It's really hard to get super angry in a public place! And, I don't have to deal with a messy house. The kids enjoy it, too.

I can totally relate to you. I have anger repression problems myself. I feel sometimes like I am holding this demon inside that if it got loose would really do some damage. Stressful times make it worse. There are a couple of things that really help me. One, I try to identify what I am REALLY angry about. Sometimes this is painful self discovery, but it helps me to recognize what is truly the cause of my frustration. Sometimes even though I am steaming mad at my husband, after I really think about it, I am mad because of some of my own prideful issues. It's amazing how hard those are to let go of. (sometimes its not my own issues:).
Also I have found that exercise, really HARD exercise keeps my mood much more steady. Running is one of the best ways for me to vent, plus I feel great afterwards. I also really really enjoy yoga. I love doing triathlons, also it is really really hard to find the time for training these days.

One of the other best ways to deal with my anger has also been prayer. I pray (and plead) for understanding, forgiveness, calmness, healing and a softened heart.

Also try to see the humor in things. Sometimes kids tantrums are just downright funny when you step back and think about it. Try to relate to your kids. That helps.
Try not to discipline in anger. If you are mad, remove yourself and the kids from the situation until you can reasonably and rationally and lovingly think of a consequence.

Hi G.--
I thought an alternative perspective could be helpful to you. In Chinese medicine anger comes from the liver. If you physically balance your liver through herbs, homeopathy, vitamins, etc. that should help you with you anger problem. Also, food and environmental allergies can throw your liver out of balance and sometimes manifests as anger (my husband and son both have this symptom of allergies). If this sounds like something you want to learn more about contact me and I can recommend some ideas and some natural docs that could be super helpful.
Good luck!
J.

oh man do I relate to this!!! my irritability is linked to my anxiety when I am extremely anxious with stressors my body is tense and my words are tense and some times I feel so angry inside it frightens me. I have a medication called ativan that was prescribed for my panic attacks--well they kind of morphed a bit and my anxiety/panic comes out in aggression inside me and then spills out if I am not careful. when I notice my jaw is hurting because I am holding my body so tight I take my ativan and it helps me to release that anxiety and focus on what is really going on.
also for me, therapy definitely has helped. I didn't grow up seeing a lot of positive parenting skills, my parents did the best they knew how but there was not a lot of consistency, and TONS of guilt used to try to motivate, which never works in the long run. lots of yelling and I just don't want to emulate those behaviors. I check myself and make sure even if I don't feel like it that I tell my daughter 2 times as many positive things than negative. even if its saying thank you for listening after it took 10 min for me to get her to listen. I love it when you listen. its been helping. also if I let my blood sugar levels dip I get more ornery so I have to watch that, I love the SOBE new lifewater drinks the calories are minimal and no artificial sweeteners, so my body responds well to them. I'm not good at eating, I forget meals all the time and this makes me more moody for sure so I have to watch that. I do have depression with my anxiety and I am on medication for the depression and anxiety but the ativan is a "bonus" I guess--when things are really tense I take one to tell my brain to release that anxiety. My mom just got diagnosed with cancer and yeah the huge life changes do make a difference. talking with my psychiatrist today he said that the meds are working and life still has times when we would go through a depression because it is really hard, but the meds make it do-able, not end of the world feeling. which is true. for me the medication is a must, eating well is a must, and having that bonus pill for the really bad days is also important. I love Yoga, I do a little on my own, I miss the classes I took before my anxiety was so bad I couldn't go to the classes.
I have also had to give myself permission to get mad. not at my daughter, but to give vent to the anger, I lay on my bed and beat my pillow or kick at it really hard like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum and sometimes I yell about what is making me angry (dd is in preschool when I have my fits) kids are pretty smart, getting it all out as loud as you can until you are exhausted really does help! :) just finding an appropriate way to do it...I send my dd to her room to get her cries out, so I tried it with myself and it really did help.
I wish you the best, it isn't the kids, it isn't the spouse, and I don't believe it is a "character flaw" either, I believe it is a symptom of a medical condition as you described it, and yes it can be treatable--if you can find some good friends to talk to about this it does help. I thank God for my girlfriends, I don't know what kind of sanity I would have left without their compassion and sharing of stories as well!! I have some friends I can't talk to about these things as they tell me to read my bible and pray well when I feel like shredding anything in front of me the bible really isn't getting through--no offense to those who it does work for as a first line of defense--so yeah I have been selective in who I have shared with but once I have found those friends who get it, have been through clinical depression (not just some sad days but real depression) and have a compassion for someone else going through it well I cherish that commodore. if you need a friend to vent to you can PM me, no judgment here, I mean come on I just admitted to beating up my pillows :P

check out this free online anger management course for starters:

http://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/fireworks/fw1-1.htm

it'll help.

>kids
-every time you think something grrrrrrrr about someone, say or think of 2 things that are complimentary about that person.
-if you get too mad and do something you regret, apologize as soon as you realize it. Tell your kids that you're doing your best. Ask for their forgiveness. Expect them to do their best, too.

No one's perfect - it's better to show them what to do when you mess up than to make everyone believe you never mess up.

Your question near the bottom of your letter is one you should take to your doctor as soon as possible. Is this depression? It certainly could be, and the good news there is that depression can be treated effectively with medication.

I totally get where you are coming from. I feel like once my oldest got to about 7-ish I became less patient and feel angry inside more. I had a very peaceful upbringing, not any obvious anger but somehow I got it. Now that being said, I do a few things to keep it under control. First, I do pray about it, it seems to help me keep it in check. I also, stop before I speak and count to 5 or 10. It helps me THINK about what I am about to say or how I am about to react. Sometimes the response I get from my kids will spike my anger again so I have found that I will stop and count to myself several times in a conversation. Weird huh? It works though. The last thing I do is really pay attention to what triggers my anger. For me it's an issue of not being organized, so if I am late, not ready for company, didn't get the laundry done, whatever makes me feel out of control it will set my whole day off and I tend to get angry at those around me. My solution is to be sure I stick to routines that work for me so the day-to-day stuff that needs tending to gets done and out of the way early in the morning or later at night when the kids are in bed.

Hope this helps, good luck!!

Hi G.,

First, be aware that just recognizing that you have a problem is a BIG step toward healing. Please honor yourself for becoming aware and trying to make these changes!

I think you've received some great advice already.

Ideally I think it's important to seek professional help but until you are able to afford it here are a few ideas:
1 - journaling about your feelings, allowing yourself a way to safely express your anger--"stuffed" feelings don't go away, they stay in our body wreaking havoc until we process them in some way.
2 - Go to my website: www.healingtreewellness.com/EFT.html and learn about Emotional Freedom Techniques (no need to buy anything). There's a link there to a free download of the manual for EFT and you can search the emofree.com website for articles on dealing with anger. EFT is a great self-help tool for dealing with negative emotions. It is quick and amazingly effective.
3 - Keep in mind that the work you do on yourself will directly benefit your children. Children are extremely open to their environment and pick up on the feelings of those around them even if they're not expressed. You can be the link in the family where these patterns of anger are forever changed!
4 - Meditation and/or prayer can be very helpful in maintaining your center. I believe that Divine help is available, but we need to ask for it.
5 - Create a gratitude journal. Add five new things every day. This simple exercise can be extremely powerful in shifting our focus to more positive thoughts.
6 - Learn about and practice HeartMath (books are often available through the library) Check their website: heartmath.org. There's a lot of great information there.

Best wishes, G.. Honor yourself for the steps you are taking to heal yourself and your family.

Sending love and light,
B.

Hi G.! Man oh man can I relate to this! And can I fist say that recognizing the problem on your own is a huge step! Alot of people have these same problems or symptoms I should say and refuse to admit that it's something inside them or that maybe was influenced by their own parents.
I too have these same feelings, and it is so very scary! I'm a mother of two and I didn't see my anger get really bad until I had my second baby. My oldest is 3 and my youngest is 7 months. And I realized how bad my anger is recently when I witnessed my 3 year old lash out and say the same things I say when she got frustrated. That was like a slap in the face! And it made me cry, because I realized that my children are watching and learning from me and developing their own relationship skills through watching us as parents and how we treat other people in our lives. I feel terrible that she has witnessed such obscene behavior from me! I've appologized to her and tried to explain in the best way possible that mommy was just having a hard time and was wrong in the way I expressed my feelings. But I can relate in the feeling that sometimes the anxiety and anger and frustration just boils inside us and gets to a point where you just have to explode!!!! The key is learning how to recognize when you are close to that point and to know or develope and exit strategy that is safe for yourself and everyone around you!
I don't know that these feelings are really depression, I would say that they are more of a severe anxiety. I know that there is medication out there, as one other reader mentioned adivan, this medication does help if taken on occasion. However, if taken daily it can become very addictive and can cause extreme irritablitly. I know this because my husband used it to deal with his anxiety.
I would say that the first step to relief of these feelings would first be to talk to someone. Like a therapist or someone you trust but outside the family. Like a pastor (if you attend church?) or maybe take some anger management classes. I'm sure if you went to the library or even Barnes and Nobile and just looked up the topic of anger you could find many self help books as well! What helps me is to journal, venting my frustrations on paper is far safer that in person! And when your done you can choose to keep it and read it at a later date when you've calmed down, or rip it up and throw it away as a symbol of release as well! I also like to pray, but not everyone has the same beliefs in religion.
Well I hope something I've written can help you!! I know its very hard to see the good when you feel like your mind is always "hot". GOOD LUCK!!

Hi G.,

You need to be evaluated and to get some help immediately. It's awesome that you've recognized your anger problem and that is a wonderful start. Now, make a doctor's appointment and discuss this issue with her/him. Likely, you'll need tp start some sore of medication and counselling. Sounds like you have a lot of stress going on. I wish you all the best, S.

G., this sounds a lot like me. I could never figure out why I got so angry so easily. Even little things my kids did would set me off. And then I would feel horrible and get very depressed. Finally I went to the doctor. I found out that I have bipolar disorder. It's not always the cause of the anger, but especially since I went both ways pretty strongly, it led to that diagnosis. I also have anxiety related to it. Daily medication was the first step to being able to gain control, and then counseling and other lifestyle changes helped too.

The only way to find out if it is depression, bipolar, or something else is to talk to a doctor. A family practicioner can't really make a full diagnosis - it's better to see a psychiatrist if at all possible (go for psychiatrist rather than psychologist. The first is a MD who can prescribe meds, etc) They have tests specifically to help determine if there is an emotional disorder going on.

I know cost is an issue. Here in Salt Lake, I would suggest Valley Mental Health as a starting point. I don't know what they have in your area. If you don't have health insurance, try to get on something BEFORE any diagnosis - look into government programs to help struggling families. (I have a really hard time getting insurance due to the bipolar, but if you have insurance already I don't think they can cut you off.)

I hope you can find the help you need. There isn't one quick, take-a-pill and you're done with it fix. For me its a life long issue to deal with. I hope you don't have anything like this, but you still will want/need to train yourself into new thinking strategies to deal with it. It isn't always easy, but I know there's a path through this challenge.

I also have suffered from this, I decided that the best therapy for me was to work outside the home. Everytime I tried to be a stay at home mom, (because I felt guilty for working) the angrier I got, but, when I came home from work each day, I was so excited and happy to see my family I think it helped all of us. I never had a spotless house, but I was happier. If the kids see a happy mom, I think they will appreciate mom more. Another thing that helped me was seeing my sister in law and her attitude toward parenting was different than mine. She turned a bad moment into a fun time. My child was jumping on the bed in a hotel, I got angry, and my sister in law was encouraging a fun time. I learned that I could go for a little fun too!

Well, I will just add that I know how you feel.

I 2nd, 3rd, and 4th, the suggestion of writing your thoughts and feelings down in an anger journal. You don't have the money for a therapist right now, but they would probably ask you to do the same thing. Don't show your papers to anyone, just get it out on paper. It really helps a lot. Don't obsess about your past and upbringing or your past mistakes. Just write your angry thoughts down.

Medications can lesson anxiety or depression, but I believe the root causes of those emotions are what your belief system is about yourself. Rather than take medications, ask yourself:

Do you think that if your kids misbehave, that you are a bad parent/person? Think a lot about that question. A lot of anger at kids can come from not being able to control them and freaking when they are not perfect. Why is it a threat to you that they mess up? Are you taking it personally?

Try getting up before the kids and doing deep breathing Qi Gong exercises. It sounds crazy but not at all. I got a book from the library on how to do them because I get anxiety and depression. Chinese believe that when you have these emotions, they can make your body sick and all your systems go off kilter. You need balance in your life from the business and craziness of being a mom.

Try to go out on a nature stroll every day. Nature can calm your spirit.

Religion helps too, like praying to God and trying to give him your anger and let him take care of you.

Cheers,
Marci

Wow, I didn't know there were a lot of people who felt like I do. I read your response G. and Im like that is me, except my mother was the abuser. It sounds like you have what I have experienced and still going through. No one else mentioned it in their responses, which is we suffer from PTSD, post tramatic stress disorder. It's not just a war soldiers disorder. For a while books have suggested that those who suffer from PTSD could completely overcome that disorder. New research suggests those who went through continous trama as a child may never overcome this disorder. I to had been in therapy for ages, and stopped thinking I would be ok, but unfortunately I will have to back again, with the same issues your having about anger issues. I have tried meds, but found the meds helped for a while then after a while, I felt like I was just popping pills for no reason. So, I got off the meds with doctors help. I think religon has helped the most, and admitting I do need therapy again. I hate what my mother did and unfortunately can't go back to help her change. Anyhow thanks for posting the question. I wish I had good friends also. Good luck, M.

G.,

Don't feel bad. I too didn't realize how angry I could get until I had kids and a husband. I didn't realize what a temper I had and I often feel bad for yelling at my 2-year-old son for things that "kids just do"! I too am overly sensitive at times (okay...all the time) and take things personally and get my feelings hurt lots. I too feel like both my husband and I yell too much, but it does feel like he doesn't listen unless I am yelling. I have been working on saying things quiet, asking please and saying thank you and trying to point out when I see him doing the right things...trying to be more positive than negative, but I haven't figured out yet what else I can do when I get set off other than walk out of the room until I am calm.

I did deal with depression about five years ago (not been medicated for it for the almost all of that because the side effects were worse than the depression...and I did use a reliance on the Lord and found a great accountability partner who had been through depression too to talk to on my down days), so maybe that's the answer, but I hate to put an "excuse" to it if it is just me! I hate how I feel after I yell and get so angry (I have even found myself aplogizing to my kiddo when I feel like I went too far and giving lots of hugs and encouragement), so I am looking forward to what responds you get too, but no, it's not just you!

S., 26, mom of 2-year-old and 2-month-old boys!

Without going into a long involved back story on me, let me just say that I understand what you're saying (your post sounded a LOT like me), and I want you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.

This is a very complicated issue. Depression could be an issue. Residual feelings about your childhood could be a factor. Simply the fact that this is the parenting style you know could be a factor. Trust me, I know how difficult it can be to parent in a way other than the way you were raised.

Prayer is something that has helped me a lot. When I feel angry I will say a quick prayer asking Him to take the anger from me, and then I try to let it go. It does no good to ask Him to take it if we won't let Him. Someone once told me that they were sure that God sent angels to help parents, because the raising of children is a sacred trust and very important to Him. Sometimes thinking of angels being there watching me has helped.
When I am frustrated at my husband for things I know I shouldn't be I try to find ways to remind myself what a wonderful man he really is, and I make an extra effort to show him how much I love him (hide love notes and such). Crazy, but it works. After a while its hard to remember why I was upset.
With the kids, I have found it helps to remember myself at that age, and to see how much I've changed since then. Also, it helps to remind myself that I love them and that they are still learning all the complexities of life. A few stumbles are to be expected. Of course there are times when none of that works, so I tell them straight up, "I'm feeling really grouchy right now. It's not your fault. But if you pester me (or hit your sister, or...)I might bite your head off. I'll try not to, but I might." Sometimes just saying that is enough to help calm me and deal with the situation in a more mature way.
I have also been to therapy, and recently started taking an anti-depressant, which really seems to be helping.
It can be a struggle, but definitely worth the fight. Best of luck to you.

I'm glad you asked this because even though I don't let mine out, I have a lot of anger inside. I suffer depression, anxiey and headaches and I grind my teeth really bad at night. Well I grind my night guard now.
I've read that you can tell how a person was raised by how they express anger.
I keep anger in which is bad. But so is lashing out. It needs to be expressed but in healthy constructive ways. I'm thinking of finding a good counselor to help me with this too.
I probably I hold mine in because I saw and felt how absolutely AWFUL it was to grow up with a father who lashed out. It was very scary and damaging. I had a mom who held hers in, who I probably learned my style from but it has been very unhealthy for her also.
Good luck. You're smart to recognize and admit and get help so you can be a better teacher/example/role model for your kids. That's what motivates me too. These sweet little ones!

Do you journal? Journaling-either online or on paper (don't forget to lock the pages up or do what my neighbor does & burn them-also kind of cathartic, burning up the anger & bad feelings)-helps me get the feelings out & start feeling better about things. Exercise helps a lot too. I started taking an anti-anxiety med for depression/anxiety & found that I was less stressed overall about things. I call them my happy pills. I still have emotions, it just takes the peaks & deep valleys & levels them off to manageable. I'm not good at yoga, but that also helps calm my mind. I also find that a long walk by myself calms me down. Tae Bo or other agressive workout videos also help when I'm ready to punch somebody-I get all of the frustration out, get a great workout cuz I sometimes imagine actually punching a person (would NEVER do it in real life though) & after I shower, I feel like a new woman.
I think a combination of things will help you-you've just got to keep trying til you find your perfect cocktail of exercise, relaxation, talking, medication, etc.
Good luck!

Try reading the Five Languages of Love for Children by Gary Chapman. It is an excellent book & will help you gain some perspective as far as discipline goes & of course on the languages of love. When a child has a bad behavior it is because they have a need that is not being met. This book might help you define the specfic needs of your children. Also checkout Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Good luck; I can understand how you feel.

this is one of my least favorite things about parenting. why can't i be mild and sweet like i used to be? i really want to be better about controlling my temper too. i decided to try another Mamma's suggestion to whisper when i feel like yelling. i have only succeeded a few times, but the effort has helped me to quiet my voice overall when i'm angry. something that i have noticed over the years is that i'm angrier and less in control when i have too much progesterone going on in me. sometimes this has been because of a birth control pill, even the ones that have estrogen as well to "balance" the progesterone. stopping these kinds of meds has helped me a lot. if you move to utah, send me an email and i'll refer you to my favorite psychologist. she helped me deal with things past and present and it made a difference. i felt stronger after seeing her. God bless!

Hi G. - I just wanted to encourage you with the fact that what you are feeling is pretty normal and very common among stressed out moms, especially ones with family issues. I always say that it's not what you think, but how you act toward others that is the most important. Many have those dreadful and sometimes tempting thoughts in moments of fear and panic - the most important thing you are doing right is not acting on those thoughts. A counselor could be very benificial helping you sort it all out.

I've been in your shoes and I've asked myself all those same questions. Your neurotransmitters could easily be low since stress depletes them easily. You might try a good brand of SamE to see if that makes a difference or talk with your doc about another medication. Cutting out caffeine completely will work wonders in reducing your irritation and improving your resilience. You might also consider getting your thyroid and other hormones checked - an imbalance can lead to mood swings as well.